Ask The Hermit Coffee Co.

Ask blog for the characters of The Hermit Coffee Co.

[askthehcc]

Welcome to the Hermit Coffee Co.!

Do you have a question for any of our baristas or their friends? Pop them here and we'll get an answer out of them between orders.

This is an ask blog for the fictional characters of The Hermit Coffee Co., a Hermits and friends fanfic.

Answers will be set during the latest chapter of the fic. Any questions for future chapters will be answered when relevant, if possible!

[askthehcc]

Gay people are a recession indicator #breakmumscarianup

Xisuma: I don't know what this means.

Xisuma: I think I might need to ban you.

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This one is mostly for Zed and Tango, but other members of JC/anyone else who remembers can comment too: How did the Zedango debacle occur? How did you two realise that you were actually platonic soulmates instead? And how did you manage to not muck up your friendship???

Tango: Err.. That's probably my fault.

Zedaph: I wouldn't say that.

Tango: Well, I was the one who initiated it.

Zedaph: And I let it happen!

Tango: Let's agree to disagree.

Zedaph: Hmm... I'm not overly happy with that, but we digress...

Tango: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Tango: Anyway, what happened is that... Well, I guess mostly what happened is that I don't have the best grasp of my own feelings.

Tango: Especially when it comes to the difference between platonic feelings and romantic ones.

Zedaph: And I don't necessarily see the point in differentiating.

Tango: So, I guess, when I felt like I really, really liked Zed in the sense that... well, I kinda thought he was the coolest person in the entire universe...

Zedaph: Awww, Tango. I'm blushing!

Tango: Oh, shut it. Loser.

Zedaph: Heh-heh.

Tango: Anyway, when I realised I felt like that, I thought it meant I was, like... into him... In the romanticky way.

Zedaph: And then – and see, this is why I think we're both equally responsible here! – then, when I realised Tango was trying to "woo" me, if you will, I thought that if that's what he wanted and I wasn't fussed either way, then...

Zedaph: Well, then I was fine with it!

Tango: Yeah, until I realised pretty quickly it wasn't a romantic thing and then I didn't want to hurt you by breaking up with you.

Zedaph: And that's why I think it's as much my fault as it is yours!

Tango: Ehhh...

Tango: Maybe.

Zedaph: "Maybe!"

Tango: Anyway, that led to the big "Tedaph" stand off 2019.

Zedaph: Yeah... what a mess.

Tango: As for not fucking up the friendship, that was all Impulse.

Zedaph: Yes.

Tango: What you might not know about Impulse is that he's literally a relationship genius.

Zedaph: Truly. He excels in his observations.

Tango: We'd been quote, un-quote "dating" for about six months at that point, when Impulse just comes up to my room one evening when Zed's out and asks to talk.

Tango: He asked if there was a reason I hadn't gone out with you that night.

Zedaph: Mhm.

Tango: And i said it was mostly just cause I was catching up on coursework, but he saw right fucking through me.

Tango: And he says something like "I wondered if it was because there was something going on with you two... or maybe something that's not going on?"

Tango: I literally immediately started sobbing.

Tango: And I was so ashamed.

Zedaph: Oh, Tango... No. I'm so sorry.

Tango: But Imp just climbed onto my bed and hugged me for as long as it took for me to get any of my shit back together.

Zedaph: Stop, you'll make me cry!

Tango: Good. Deserved, you bastard.

Zedaph: [laughing] Alright, I deserve that.

Tango: But yeah, I cried for, like, an hour, and then Impulse asked me about our relationship. He managed to get the truth out of me and told me that he didn't think I'd need to worry and that he'd talk to you.

Zedaph: Which he did.

Tango: What did you guys talk about?

Zedaph: [sighs]

Zedaph: Well, I believe it was the day after he spoke to you. I was in the kitchen making some tea and he lulled me into a generic conversation and then he asked me, very smoothly:

Zedaph: "Do you think you and Tango will go the long haul?"

Zedaph: And I said, I remember, I said:

Zedaph: "If that's what he wants, then I don't see why not."

Tango: Oof.

Zedaph: I know.

Tango: How long did it take for you to hear it?

Zedaph: Well, then he asked me what I wanted and I said that I didn't really mind, as long as you were happy.

Tango: Dude.

Tango: That's sweet.

Tango: And also totally dumb as shit.

Zedaph: Oh yeah. Big time.

Tango: Yeah... So then at some point Impulse sat us both down and talked us through our break up.

Zedaph: It was actually quite remarkable.

Tango: For sure, for sure.

Zedaph: And we managed to make it through in more-or-less one piece.

Tango: Yeah. I mean things were kinda awkward between us for like... a few days, until Impulse sat us down again and told us to stop being fucking dumbasses.

Zedaph: Yeah...

Tango: So, yeah. The answer basically boils down to Impulse.

Zedaph: Yep. Yes, it does.

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You can't hide from me I'm here now *slides back behind the plant* -InkyTea

Tango: Whoa, what was that?

Impulse: What was what?

Tango: Didn't you just hear something?

Impulse: The steam wand just kicked out a bit... is that what you heard?

Tango: No, no. It was like... a voice. You didn't hear that?

Impulse: Mm, nope. Sorry, T.

Tango: I could've sworn...

---

Impulse: and that is how you make ten bucks in ten seconds.

[askthehcc]

So guys….

Who in the staff do you all ship secretly? Do you have any crack ships that would never happen but are just funny?

Cub: I think the world would weep in devastation if Cleo and False ever confessed their love for one another.

False: Devastation?

Cub: For no man nor creature could truly withstand the power such a partnership would produce.

False: Oh, right...

False: Yeah, I can see that.

Cub: Unless the world was a Ren Faire. Then they would bask beneath your collective craftsmanship.

False: [nodding]

False: We'd truly be unstoppable.

---

Joe: In another world, Cleo and Tango would be a thing, for sure.

Cleo: Pfft.

Cleo: Yeah, I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever in the market for an itty bitty little boyfriend.

---

Bdubs: Me and Etho.

Cleo: Wow, nobody saw that coming.

Bdubs: YOU BE QUIET, CLEO.

Etho: No, no... I think he's on to something.

Bdubs: YEAH, CLEO.

---

Impulse: Would it be weird if I said I kinda think Bdubs and Zed would be kinda cute?

Impulse: I mean, it is weird, I do know that.

Impulse: But I do think it's kinda cute the way they pester each other, ya know?

Tango: ... traitor.

Impulse: Oh, be quiet, you.

Tango: [Huffs]

---

Wels: I ship myself and a paid redundancy.

---

[askthehcc]

For Doc or Xisuma, what do you do when you catch one of the employees slacking off/making a mess/other inhibitory behaviors? Is there any sort of punishment for that or have you just accepted it at this point?

Xisuma: Of course, if it's serious, I'll have a word with them.

Xisuma: Thankfully, when you have a low staff turnover like we do, you end up with a pretty solid bunch.

Xisuma: If anyone is being a little shit, they're relatively good at self governing.

Xisuma: That being said...

Xisuma: I have had to split Zed and Tango up for Bdubs' sake.

Xisuma: [sighs]

Xisuma: Poor guy just could take it.

---

Bdubs: THEY WERE THE WORST.

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Doc, What are your thoughts on Xisuma?

Doc: He's a good manager.

Doc: I'm happy to let him run things independently in my absence.

---

Xisuma: He said that, did he?

Xisuma: Wow.

Cleo: High praise from the boss man, that is.

Xisuma: It is, It is.

[askthehcc]

Grian, what would you do if the Watchers showed up at the Hermit Coffee co?

Scar and Mumbo, same question.

Grian: ...W-what? Why would you even ask that?

Grian: I...

Grian: They wouldn't.

Grian: They can't.

Scar: Hey hey hey. Breathe, little bird. Breathe. It's just a hypothetical. They're not showing up here. They won't. You're safe, here, yeah?

Grian: ...

Grian: I...

Grian: I don't know what I'd do.

Grian: Freeze up, I guess.

Grian: Want to die, probably.

Scar: You know what I'd do?

Grian: what?

Scar: Ask for one of those sick tats, for starters.

Grian: ...

Scar: Oh, maybe we can even get matching!

Grian: You are unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Scar: That may be, but...

Scar: You're smiling, are you not?

Grian: ...

Grian: You're ridiculous.

Scar: I'll take it, gladly.

---

Mumbo: At the Hermit? Gosh, I'm not sure, really...

Mumbo: I mean, I've imagined it, of course. Obviously.

Mumbo: ...

Mumbo: Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd actually do, but...

Mumbo: I've spent more than a few nights thinking about what I'd like to do.

Mumbo: I'd like to think that I'd stand my ground. Tell them where they can shove their bullshit.

Mumbo: I'd tell them they were the ruiners of lives, that they should be ashamed of themselves.

Mumbo: I'd like to imagine myself telling them to shuck it and never show their faces here again.

Mumbo: That's what I'd like to do, if I were a braver man.

Mumbo: What I'd actually do?

Mumbo: [shrugs]

Mumbo: Cry, maybe?

---

Grian: I keep having this nightmare – it's not really a nightmare, I guess, it's just... vivid.

Grian: I'll be at work and suddenly I'll turn to serve the person at the till and then just... there he is.

Grian: Just... staring at me. Waiting for me to say something.

Grian: But I never do.

Grian: ...

Grian: Although, I guess that wouldn't actually count in this case, because he's... I mean I assume he's still... gone from them...

Grian: So, maybe it doesn't count for this.

Grian: I don't know.

Grian: This is stupid, nevermind.

[askthehcc]

zedaph i am going to buy you a labubu

Zedaph: A la-what?

Zedaph: What is that?

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Hey Tango! Who was that blue-haired fellow that visited the shop a lot a while back? I'm curious!

Tango: Oh, you mean Blue?

Tango: I mean, Scott.

Tango: Blue's just what I call him, you know because of the – yeah, you know, you know.

Tango: Anyway, yeah, he's one of Grian's friends from back home.

Tango: He's gone back now though, same with the rest of G's old buddies.

Tango: Which, y'know, sucks, 'cause they were a cool bunch.

Tango: Blue, especially.

Tango: I didn't get to hang out with him a whole bunch while he was here, but he seemed really cool when I did.

Tango: Jimmy's done a few facetimes with him since they went back, though, and I've been there a few times.

Tango: ...

Tango: He's having a bit of a hard time, right now, which really sucks, so when he calls Jim always answers.

Tango: Sometimes I send him memes to try and cheer him up and let him know we're thinking of him.

Tango: ...

Tango: Oh, also, whenever I see something blue I try to take a picture and send it to him all 'Hey, blue, when did you get here??'

Tango: Heh.

Tango: Not like all blue things ever, but like, specifically blue, you know?

Tango: Like, an ad for a blue flavoured slushie, or like, one of those blue dolls, or something. There's a criteria.

Tango: Heh.

Tango: But, yeah.

Tango: That's who that was.

Tango: Blue.

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I think the printer runs may be a lie... i think he's hiding from you...

Grace: To be fair, I never look at the printing.

Grace: He could be playing me.

Grace: Maybe it's time I start cashing in some of those hot chocolates.....

Grace: Let me call my boyfriend before I start ruining Zedaph's life :)

[askthehcc]

I'm on your side grace, I think you deserve every hot chocolate, and Zed has to make them all

Grace: Thank you so much.

Grace: He still owes me like, eight hot chocolates by the way.

Grace: It's his damn printer runs.

Grace: Honestly, his legs aren't painted on.

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I'm personnaly taking Grâce's side. Zed should know now not to ask for favours lmao

Grace: So trueeee

Grace: Zedaph is an idiot.

Grace: Always making me do extra work.

Grace: .....

Grace: I appreciate him very much, actually.

Grace: He's very kind and funny.

Grace: But don't tell him I said that.

Grace: I'll lose all my cool points.

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After the absolute harassment from Grace asking Zed for a hot chocolate I don't think Grace deserves it anymore. So Zed I am completely on your side.

Grace: I think you should not be on Zedaph's side.

Grace: He's a coward.

Grace: But like. You know.

Grace: Also I don't harrass Zedaph.

Grace: He just asks me for many favours.

Grace: So he owes me many, many, hot chocolates.

[askthehcc]

Hiiii love <333 you should get to answer many more asks, this is true. So here's one for you lmao

Grace: Hi babe!!!

Grace: I will make Zedaph make you a hot chocolate, and I'll bring it to you at work.

Grace: ZEDAAAAAPH!

---

Zedaph: For the love of all things printed...

Zedaph: Fine, Grace, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Zedaph: [sighs] Undergrads, honestly...

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Grace i want you to grab Zedaph by the collar and FORCE him to make you hot chocolate and maybe record it cuz i feel like his reaction would be adorable

Grace: You are so right, anonymous person.

Grace: ZEDAPH!!!

---

Zedaph: Erm...

Zedaph: This fellow cannot come to the phone right now. He is currently pre-occupied with anything other than whatever... err... intriguing picture you just painted is over.

Zedaph: Leave a message after the beep.

Zedaph: ...

Zedaph: Beep!

...

Grace: I hate him.

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We love our Arma-Grace-don !

Grace: Thank you.

Grace: I'm having a lot of fun answering the little questions in the box, actually.

Grace: I think I should get to answer a lot more, actually.