how is it possible that i am such a narcissist when i have such low self esteem

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how is it possible that i am such a narcissist when i have such low self esteem
okay yes i know i am a raging bisexual girl who likes other girls a lot and theyre pretty and some of them have soft hair and cute noses and nice eyes and some of them are really tall and cool and some are really cute and have adorable personalities and wow i have had big big big crushes on a lot of them and sure its a curse to like men and whatever but.
boys are so cool wow um
how i wanna be in 2020: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ