I’ll love you forever. I'll like you for always. @aslongasimliving - Tumblr Blog

Dear Eli, Micah, and Kaiya,

I am afraid to write this next letter to you as I have this feeling that this could either be the last letter if God has a different plan for us, or it could be a memory. I am writing this in bed as I am nursing Kaiya, and looking at pictures of the boys, with slow tears coming out of my eyes. If we all make it out of this together, we have nobody to thank but God and our healthcare providers/essential workers. I never thought I’d have to write something like this since leaving the Army almost 9 years ago.

This has been a really tough month for all of us - mostly your parents because you guys have been home for almost 3 weeks now on a mandatory quarantine. The boys have been at their dad’s house now for coming up 4 weeks, and soon you’ll have spent almost 5 weeks there until mommy takes over. I’ve kept myself sane because I have so much to worry about. I will explain, but for today and the last three weeks I’ve been grateful to Lauren for taking this time off to be with you boys. As for Kaiya, auntie Bella and London came down to be with you. Boys - you’ve been so happy at daddy’s house lately and it just makes me so happy that you are. I could easily become depressed and anxious, but I’ve been managing my loneliness without you guys with more exercise, reading, and school work. I am currently 1/3rd of the way through the Syracuse MBA program.

In the last 3 weeks, we declared a national pandemic with COVID-19. We currently live in NY, which has the greatest mortality and morbidity rate in the world currently. We’ve run out of medical supplies, ventilators, masks to help anyone. We are assuming everyone is sick. Three out of four of the total parents work for the hospital as a surgical nurse, and two Physician Assistants. We three are so afraid of coming home to give it to you guys. I’m more afraid of this virus than I was in Iraq for 27 months.

Tomorrow, I start training for inpatient hospital medicine. We are preparing for the worst two weeks in the hospital currently, and it’s already starting.

To prepare for things at home, I sent grandma home to Washington since she’s very immunocompromised. I prepared and updated my Will. I have an updated Life Insurance policy. Food is stocked, and we have one month of savings currently. The boys are still in online distance learning, and loving it.

When I start filling in at the hospital, I will likely be self-quarantined. I can’t touch or kiss you guys. I won’t be able to hug you guys. I have to wash my hands so well and pretend my face is on fire so I don’t touch it. I’m afraid. I hear about so many people who are extremely healthy, and are dying on ventilators. I’m afraid if I get sick I’ll never be able to see you guys grow, graduate, get married, and have kids. I’m afraid you won’t be able to say goodbye to me. I’m afraid of Kaiya having no memories of me, and you three not growing up together. I’m afraid I won’t know enough to help someone. I am afraid of panicking when I take care of my first COVID patient on a ventilator, and watching someone die without a chance for their family to be there. I am afraid of how much a loss of a parent will affect you as you grow - but I know how immensely loved you all are, and I know you’ll be well-cared for. And because of this love, I have to give it up to God to tell me where he needs me and us. Tell me how I can be a channel of your love. Tell me how I can stay strong for my family and you.

If this is my last love letter to you three, please promise me this:

That you three will take care of each other, always look out for each other, do your best to remember how I loved you three and project that love into everything else that you do in your life. Please remember that although my work was a priority, it was also a blessing and a gift from God that I was able to help when needed. Please stay strong, and please remember that your family is always first. Be loyal to each other. Stay humble. When you don’t understand something, you can talk to me anytime and please continue to pray. Some things will never make sense until God needs you to understand at a certain time. Never forget your roots, and I will always be your biggest fan.

If this is found soon enough if I pass - I choose to be cremated and remains with my children divided. Spread some of my ashes in every ocean, and in places that remind you of me. My will and life insurance is a blue folder in the desk or a copy in my closet. Please keep all of the pictures and memories you want and need.

I was never a perfect parent, but I always chose you first before anything.

I would like to share something I found:

Just so I NEVER forget..... April 2, 2020

Gas price a mile from home was $1.85

School cancelled - yes cancelled

Self-distancing measures on the rise.

Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other.

Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors.

Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.

Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.

Entire sports seasons cancelled.

Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled.

Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled.

No masses, churches are closed.

No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 5 or more.

Don't socialize with anyone outside of your home.

Children's outdoor play parks are closed.

We are to distance from each other.

Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.

Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.

Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.

Shelves are bare.

Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.

Government closes the border to all non-essential travel.

Fines are established for breaking the rules.

Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.

Press conferences daily from the President. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths.

Government incentives to stay home.

Barely anyone on the roads.

People wearing masks and gloves outside.

Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.

Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this status?

One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!

Be thankful. Be grateful.

Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.

We are all one! ❤️

3|365 attitude of gratitude Seeing my kids prefer playing with boxes and forts vs new toys

I hate living here

But I need to change that mindset. I try to convince myself every day I have a purpose here, and I know I do, but my faith is not at its greatest. Surely, one of the greatest things happened in my life when I met Brandyn here. Not much made sense till I met him. Outside of our love, I still find myself bitter here. I hate upstate NY. I hate this weather. The locals try to say it's a great area to raise your family, low crime. Yes, low "crime" because everyone stays home doing drugs or the weather is so fucked up it nobody can do anything. There isn't shit to do for kids period besides an expensive trampoline park, Chuck E. Cheese, and an indoor expensive playground. Oh, but why not get your kids involved in sports or activities? Well, weather cancels games often. Why would anyone want to live here that knew any better? I know of one couple who moved here not from here, but it's because their family is a few hours away and they found teaching jobs here. And even they say it sucks. Everyone is in everyone's business, and I seriously hear them talking about each other at their kid's sporting events - hence why I'm careful making friends here. The hospital has a shitty reputation. Stores close down often. No business wants to thrive here. So you ask why I moved here - because I chose to with my ex husband to have a few years with his family. Turns out I'm here for fucking ever because if you divorce in this state, and can't agree where to live, you stay where you're at. You think Tim would ever move? No, because a part of it is to spite me, and two because he doesn't know any better. My ex's parents (especially father's side ), never felt like family, and it was very uncomfortable living that for years. But I need to remind myself I'm a mother first, no matter where I am. God has a plan for us, and I'll be okay.

While most girls were likely dreaming of their wedding day or being a princess, I was dreaming of owning a home that I could host all of my family and friends in, and raise a family in. There were many moments growing up where we were nearly homeless or actually homeless, but the one thing that never changed is how much fun and love my siblings and I tried to have wherever we called “home”.

This last year or so has been the wildest ride I’ve ever been on - from letting go of a marriage that I felt wasn’t the best example for my boys and was not bringing out the best in me, the aftermath of restarting life in an area I was growing to despise, and recently resigning from a job I thought I loved but I felt was not bringing out the best of me. I knew who I was, and I’d let her get walked on, backstabbed, and feared letting love in. Tim and I made some terrible decisions, and some we will regret for life. For the last 10 or so years, I doubted myself, and for those who question that after doing so many races and schools - it never went without a fight or tears. I literally lost my voice and who I thought I was before I chose to leave. And in the end, truly after many hurtful and tearful prayers, I left. I truly vowed to stay single for at least a year, but again, when I least expected or wanted Brandyn, he came (another blog for him in the future :) )

But here I am. I literally gave it up to God and the universe about a year ago, and watched my life surprise the heck out of me. I’ve learned that every negative in the past was for a positive reason here in NY. My kids are adapting well to a two-home life, and I’m slowly learning sometimes i can’t protect the kids from everything. I have to try to be the best example for them no matter what, and that has always been the forefront of my mind.

Had dinner with the previous owners of the home last night, in our shared home :) The family leaving is an active duty Air Force family who have two little boys born and raised in the home. I couldn’t be more grateful to have had this home-buying process go so eerily smooth, and buying from a family who is leaving behind so much love poured in.

God places you in situations and places people in your life exactly when and where He means to. You can fight it, you can cry about it, but when you learn to understand there is a purpose for every storm, you’ve got to just learn to let it go. People will talk, people won’t always be as humble and as kind. The people I always thought were so real ending up being the last people I could trust. Everything started to make so much more sense over the last 6 or so months, and everything led to this “home”. This was the first home we looked at, and knew it was home as soon I pulled into the driveway.

For now, I sing my praises. My children are happy, healthy, and intelligent loving human beings. I have such a good man who wants to love all of me and reminds me of my strength, as well as what selfless love feels like. I have a new home to share so much love with others in, and hopefully my boys make some of their best memories here. This home has love and the heavens above as the greatest foundation.

Basement flooding

Tim’s basement was found to be a 12-inch deep pond yesterday. The kids were sent downstairs to play, when he realized there was a pool down in the basement.

Of all of the damage done by the water: kids posters, paper works, crafts, old books I’ve loved and cherished, etc. - what surprises me the most is what exactly was damaged and what wasn’t. The claims agents were around to go through all damage and already had bags saved of all ruined items.

There was a box of pictures I wasn’t able to retrieve just yet before leaving his house. This box contained pictures of our wedding in large print, Mother’s Day gifts, drawings, pictures of myself pregnant with Eli, Anniversary letters Tim and I wrote to each other, and a few pictures of my family. As I examined each photo to determine it’s ability to be salvaged, I realized one true fact: the only pictures that were not salvageable were our wedding photos. My family pictures, my sons’ first baby pictures, and the few happy memories I had from pregnancy were saved.

God, if you’re there. I hear you. I get it. Thank you.

Gratitude, 1

Today, I am grateful for the following:

The 27 y/o autistic young man that taught me that patience, persistence, and knowing your limits can eventually allow you to reach past the limitations others have set for you. He was not supposed to be able to speak, hold a job, graduate high school, go to college, live alone, manage his own finances and medications, or even look me in the eye. He did not say any words until 4 1/2 y/o. All noises and congested areas scared him. He was overly stimulated, and found comfort in wrapping himself in blankets every day after school. He would hum and create sounds to calm himself down.

Yet, because of the endless love of his mother and father, and pushing the school district and county to allow teachers to be trained to better assist those with autism, this young man is now:

A high school graduate, with a regular diploma, not a special education diploma. He failed one class - English writing, but passed every class in high school with an 80% average or more.

He is a full-time employee, working for a private company. He organizes and assesses products.

He manages his own medications, and chooses to be the most proactive in his care and appointments.

He trained himself to look at someone in the eye. It was one of the hardest things he ever made himself do, but not once did he look down or around when speaking to me today.

He is looking forward to finishing college, although at a slower pace, but is doing well.

He told me there is always a way.

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Today, I am also grateful for people who appreciate my thoroughness and explanations.

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I am grateful for Micah, who held his “kissing hand” sticker all day, and asked his teacher to hold onto it, keep is safe, as it is a special sticker.

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I am grateful for a mother who sits, listens, laughs, and cries with me.

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I am grateful for 80-degree weather today.

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I am grateful for being able to run.

#gratitude with hope

Dear Dad,

Today is your 60th birthday, and I have no memories of singing you “Happy Birthday”.

5 months ago, you deleted me on Facebook as a friend because I begged you to start over and just be a part of my children’s lives. Today, I wrote you a message wishing you Happy Birthday. You write back: “thx”.

4 years ago, we found out we had a baby sister through social media stalking of my cousin’s page where she slipped and said Happy Birthday to her beautiful baby niece, Richelle Anne Mae David. Rightfully named after you just finding out today on Facebook that she shares the same birthday as you. I wonder if she knows she has other brothers and sisters?

3 times I have seen you in the last 20 years, each no more than 2 days.

2 children of mine you will likely never meet because you chose not to.

1 person who suffers here - no longer is that person me. Fortunately, you have surrounded yourself with very young teenage women with whom admire your stability and monetary benefits.

For years, I wondered what it would be like to have a stable and loving husband who devoted his life to choosing to love and admire me. I have only wondered what exactly it meant to be a good and present father. I have wondered what it would feel like to take your daughter to a daddy-daughter dance. To have someone to teach me how to stand up to a man who doesn’t treat me like a woman should be treated.

The unfortunate part is that you’ve never been a great example of that. What I do admire about you is that you don’t give up, and how far you’ve come in your career.

After all of these years, I have chosen to see the beauty and light in every shitty situation. Perhaps you weren’t in our life because you were scared of commitment and reality. You were scared to lose your freedom. You were scared to know what true love really was.

But at no other point in my life did I wish I had a father until now. I chose to leave my husband because I did not feel I was loved and respected the way I know I deserve to be. I gave my all until I gave up on myself. But how can I ask and vent to a man who has never been faithful to one woman, let alone put his pride and arrogance aside just to wish his kids their own Happy Birthday?

One last few questions: Who the fuck are you? Do you even know who you are?

Moved

Moved into my new apartment today. Felt an uncomfortable sense of relief and overwhelming sadness. The best part was seeing the kids love their new home.

Forgive me, my loves

The past 2 weeks have been a blur. We’ve been separated now for 2 weeks, today.

Sparing all of the historical details, which I likely won’t mention unless you know me well, I chose to leave.

I didn’t like who I was when I was with you. I was anxious. I was afraid to say anything. I was afraid to go anywhere without you thinking I’m going out to meet or mess around with other men. I was afraid to spend any money. I felt guilty getting my nails done or doing something nice for myself. I’ve never been able to share my true feelings or fears without being ridiculed, humiliated, or judged. And even if you didn’t have anything to say, you literally said nothing and it felt cold. I looked for every reason to leave, and I stayed because of the kids. I didn’t like feeling like sex was a chore or not sacred. I didn’t like feeling cheap or as an object. I didn’t like not feeling like the only woman in your eyes. I didn’t like hearing you should’ve married Molly. I didn’t like who you were when you drank. I didn’t like not being honest, or feeling inadequate. And I stopped caring as much. I stopped wanting to be hugged or wanting to make love because I did not feel like a loved woman. I still don’t trust that you’ve never slept with anyone because every time you acused me of wrong-doing, you were doing something. You did “everything” for me by ensuring I had a roof over my head, no monetary worries, car cared for, and taught me how to be financially independent. And when I needed you most this past year, we did not meet in the middle. You actually taught me to say no. So, no. You’ll always look back at the last 2 months before this, and wonder why it was our “best”. That’s probably because I wanted to try to see if giving you all of me would allow myself to heal and forgive. It was hard, it was nice at times, but there was still something missing from our ability to connect on a deeper and spiritual level.

So I left. I stopped crying a few months ago, and I knew that if I wasn’t happy, and if I stayed, the kids would think that it’s okay to put up with being unhappy and settling. That it’s okay to fake it. That it’s okay to treat a husband and wife like that, let alone someone you love. That it’s okay to sleep in different beds and not show affection. In these hard moments, I imagined what it felt like to be loved again. I remembered the last time I felt “loved” and adored, and I kept his memories alive in my heart. I went out of my way to seek that, and when I let him know - I knew it was wrong and not real all along. I so wanted it to be, but God has a funny way of making you learn what true love is and showing people their true colors.

My husband, you and I have been through some of the most unimaginable circumstances that most people would never go through in 50 years of marriage. You’re the best dad I’ve ever seen. But, I didn’t like who I was when I was with you. So I must walk away and learn to love myself first before I can learn to love again. So cliche, but I’d want our kids to do the same. But you and I deserve better for now. I pray and hope you find love, light, and peace. I do pray someone can love you more than I can right now, because you deserve it. I’m sorry for bringing shame into your family by leaving, but I can’t hide anymore. I gave you the whole truth, wishing I had said it sooner. I know we're in the middle of a big renovation and getting the kids in school. My biggest regret and fears are not being able to see the boys every day and kissing and singing them good night. But we will be okay.

To my kids, I pray you can forgive us. We will always put you first.

#divorce

I'd give it all away. Mo money, mo problems! But if y'all win, just check out my Amazon wish list and list of bills if you're feeling generous 😉 #Powerball

#powerball

My dear sons - you are strong, smart, kind, and mighty with an even mightier heart and smile. I hope you continue to look up and see the beauty in every tough situation you face. [Three y/o checkup: still short and stalky, and a whole lot of non-stop talky]

Zylah (my sweet niece) and Micah in the Philippines circa 1988. Mom and Dad, what are we doing here? Am I washing Erica's cloth diaper? 👯🙍🏻#fbf #Philippines #1988 #dirtydiapers

#dirtydiapers #philippines #fbf #1988

Missing my happy and hilarious parents :)

Very rough master bathroom vanity sketch...while waiting for sushi 😁 #farmhousereno #farmhouserenovation

#farmhouserenovation #farmhousereno

Very rough master bathroom vanity sketch...while waiting for sushi 😁 #farmhousereno #farmhouserenovation

#farmhouserenovation #farmhousereno

What Micah was most excited about on his first day of school: school itself, and to eat. Of course my sweet baby would be excited about food :)

Taken exactly three years ago, and now he's starting preschool tomorrow. I've been sad today and dreading this coming day. But, of course - he's beyond excited, so it makes the transition easier. I start work next week, and it's going to be a huge adjustment going from being a full-time student for the last 4-5 years, staying home with 2 kids, and now back to the real workforce. "Back to life...back to reality"...Wish us all some luck :)

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I’ll love you forever. I'll like you for always.