On Broken Wings

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One month after mom died (in May), I rescued 3 kittens about 10 days old. They are the cutest little monsters! Two are calico and one is a ginger. Calicos are almost always female, and gingers are almost always male. They have helped me a lot the last couple of months keeping me from falling into depression. They were in pretty bad health when I got them and feeding them every two to four hours for the first 3 weeks nearly killed me, but it was worth it. Now I enjoy my bloody legs and arms getting scratched up from them climbing, jumping and playing on top of me. Turtle, Tigger and Lovergirl are their names. Just today they have started hard food. I love them so much!

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This is what we go through daily in order to give these kittens a chance at fighting this fatal disease - FIP. I try hard not to emotionally react but sometimes I have to leave the room in order to regain my composure. Even my husband breaks down sometimes to. The medication is acidic, and this is why it is so painful for them, and this day was better than most days. Anytime that I have to reinject them I have to change the needle because the needle frays after one stick (you can't see it though). I learned that all needles do this, and this is one reason it is more painful than it needs to be. I also try and love on them before and after that way they understand I am not hurting them on purpose. I have noticed over time with Lovergirl that this has made a big difference in her reaction to the next day's injection. I also try to distract from the pain as much as possible and Tigger likes to bite so I try to give him the blanket or something he can take his anger out on. I used food before with Lovergirl, but I found that this was a bad idea because it became a trigger for her when I tried to give her food later in the day. If they are not cooperative when they come out of the cage, I put them back in just to try and calm them down.

We have been treating Lovergirl for a little over two months, and we just started Tigger last week. They have to be on this medication for 84 days and then go through a waiting period for 60 days before they can be deemed cured. They both get gabapentin two hours before the injection but as you will see it doesn't work for Tigger too well. This is hard to watch. But worth their lives.

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I love watching crime shows, and I came across one last night about a couple who murdered their children and other family members because they thought they were zombies. They belonged to the LDS church and somehow came up with the belief that certain people we're losing their souls and demons were taking over their bodies and that's how they became zombies. They thought it was their job to cleanse the world of these zombies.

Every time I watch shows about churches it always takes me back to 1976. My father took us to a church called Worldwide Church of God. They were kind of cultish, women/girls couldn't wear makeup, jewelry, or pants. No one was allowed to smoke, or drink and we had diet restrictions. It was very strict. I did some research today and found some interesting information about the founder of this church. His name was Herbert Armstrong and he mixed different beliefs from prior churches he attended to make his own church.

He has since passed but his church has branched off a couple times into other churches with similar beliefs. Unfortunately, one of the branches is very big today. As I was reading up on this man, he made over 200 bold predictions that didn't come true, for example, he said World War 111 was going to happen in 1972 which he contributed to the Great Tribulation and said that Christ was coming in 1975 to reclaim the earth. On his deathbed he admitted that he did not know when Christ would return.

He had written many books and thought he was a prophet. He tried to add one of his prophetic scriptural books into the Bible in the church. He misquoted the bible and set forth his own laws and rules of how to get into heaven. He abused his authority by raping his daughter for years. After his wife died, he remarried a woman half his age and then divorced her a couple years later. This man was world renowned and sold many books. He met with heads of countries and led many people a stray with his made-up beliefs. This church had functioned under the umbrella of Christianity, the branch off churches do as well.

After reading this, things were starting to make sense about my father. This kind of belief was the confirmation he was looking for to justify his abusive actions.

When I was in my mid 20's someone told me that I didn't have to do everything that someone said to do. When I heard that, a light bulb had come on. After that, I questioned everything I thought, believed, and was taught. When I watch crime shows, I often wonder how people get so brainwashed or commit such horrendous crimes and then I remember how abused and controlled I was in my childhood. A dysfunctional background contributes to mental issues and a chaotic life, and I've been diagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and PTSD, but I haven’t killed anyone.

I think that it all comes down to choice and justification. I do believe there are people that have serious mental conditions, but I don't think it's as common as a lot of people believe. It's hard to look at oneself and our wrongdoings but in the long run it's better to fix our issues rather continuing in it and making life worse.

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Sexual Abuse

As I start my story, I have to tell you that putting this down on paper is scary but to share these secrets with unsuspecting eyes is even harder. However, I pray that through my stories you will see my healing from the abuse that my father and others inflicted on me. I understand how people can think that God allows bad things to happen, but this simply is not true. God gives us choices, and this was my father's choice.

From a very young age, I have had a lot of deep-seated wounds around intimacy and my father is at the helm of it all. Around the age of 8 years old I remember him telling me, “Susan, the only thing you are good for in life is sex.” I stood there looking at him confused, hurt and ashamed. My mind couldn’t process why he had said this to me, but I can tell you that maximum damage had been done. Whatever his intentions were he surely accomplished them that day. 

There are different types of abuse: they are physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and financial. Unfortunately, my father graced us with all of them. Day to day living in his presence was disheartening, demoralizing, and bewildering and I never knew what would send him flying into an explosive rampage. It could have been something as simple as walking in front of the television in order to get to the next room, scrapping my spoon on the bottom of my bowl, or simply just being in the same room with him while reading a book. He chose quite frequently not to utilize any self-control but instead took all of his frustration and anger out on the closest person in the room. We learned quickly to stay as far away from him as possible at all times. If we were forced to be around him for whatever reason, you would not hear the enjoyable sounds of laughter and chattering that you would normally expect to hear from the average child. In public, people mistook us for well-behaved children in the place of being paralyzed with fear.

As I share my memories and stories with you, I want you to know that I do not tell you about these things in order to gain your sympathy; God has and continues to heal me. There is no good in wallowing in self-pity and as a matter of fact it can do more harm than good. However, it’s perfectly fine to empathize with others who are struggling in order to give them the support they need but be careful not to get pulled into the point of losing yourself as well.

The sexual abuse started at a very young age, so young in fact the memories of the abuse go back as far as I can remember. One memory in particular sticks out the most and this is why I have had insomnia most of my life. Before kindergarten, my mom would put me down for naps as I’m sure your mother did as well. One day my father called me into his bedroom to put me down for a nap and this was odd because he had never done this before so I was a little reluctant as you might imagine. Unfortunately, I had little choice in resisting whatever command he gave, and I remember laying down on the bed and watching him pulling out a pocket watch that was on a long silver chain. He started swinging it back and forth as he told me to keep an eye on it. He said to me, “You are getting sleepy” over and over again. At the time I remember thinking to myself “this is weird” but once again I dare not question this 6ft burly man’s motive as he towered over me. This went on for a few minutes and I was not getting tired. I saw his frustration start to mound so I decided to play along in order to alleviate my discomfort and fear of this confusing situation. As I pretended to sleep, I held still for as long as I could even holding my breath. Not only did my body go into shock when he touched me, but my mind went into a state of fugue. I was incapacitated and in distress and there was no one around to help me in this perilous situation. He molested me that afternoon while I pretend to sleep. I don't remember much of the actual molestation as my counselor said this is normal. After a traumatic situation your brain will shut off access to certain memories that are too painful for you to remember. But for children they simply don't have the capacity of processing something this traumatic especially when it is a trusted caretaker who is the abuser. Children are naturally inclined to trust their parents and when the parent is the abuser it not only messes up the trust process for that parent, it creates trusts issues across the board to everyone that child will ever know over their life span. Then it leaks out into other issues like boundary issues, relationship issues, mental and emotional issues and much more. Abused children fall prey to other predators easier because they aren't taught the skills to identify and deal with this type of behavior. Shame is a driving factor in order to get the child to stay quiet and to except this type of behavior and this shame does not even have to be spoken in words. It's a universal language that's implied onto the child through the actions and body language of the other person. And unfortunately, children who are abused either become an abuser themselves or stay a victim as an adult. This is why there are so many dysfunctional adults not to mention these same adults get into dysfunctional relationships and then the cycle continues.

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Grounding Technique

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You are a diamond in the rough

A journey from pain and anguish to total freedom. There is hope, help, and healing.

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Learn how to set boundaries for toxic people at diamondintherough.life

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The Serpents Call

What if I had only done this. What if this were to happen? What if I had better parents? What if I am not good enough? What if, what if? Do you hear it calling? What is it saying to you? Are you worthy enough? Do you need saving? It whispers in your ear. You listen to it every day. You believe the lies that it tells you.

The Serpent’s call is to condemn and destroy you. That is the goal, and it will continue to work until you come to this realization.

I believed the lies and I allowed it to destroy many things in my life. I believed the lie that my father told me when I was 9 years old that the only thing that I was good for was sex. That lie led me into a deep dark pit of promiscuous teen years that led to another lie, that my unborn child was just a clump of tissue. One lie after another, the serpent no longer worked as hard because I took over its job.

Lie after lie for 30 years led me into the biggest lie of all, and almost cost me my life.

Lying on the couch for weeks on end, not sleeping or eating. Images of all the lies darted toward me one after another so quickly that I couldn’t catch my breath. The devil had ahold of me and without a doubt I bought into it. I got up off of the couch with my mind made up, it was like a light switch that had been flipped. No doubt or concern crossed my mind, just a solution.

As I made my way across the living room towards the bedroom more images flashed in front of me. I saw my lifeless body lying in my bed, I saw my mother sitting on her couch crying, I saw my daughter commit suicide at the age of 19 for what I had done. Then I saw myself hanging off of a cliff holding onto someone’s hand for dear life. Sheer terror ripped across my face as I heard gnashing and grinding below my feet. Darkness surrounded me, my throat tightened, I couldn’t scream but my wide eyes desperately begged this person not to let go. As I looked up to see who was holding my hand, I realized I was looking back up at myself. I was holding onto my own arm! I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t take any more of this life.

I fell to my knees crying out loud, “God help me”.

I heard a voice say to me, “Get up”. So, I did.

“Turn T.V. on”. So, I did.

This lady was walking across a stage talking about things that I could not understand, it may as well have been in a different language. After a few minutes I understood her say, “Say this prayer with me”, and so I did. I had no understanding of what just happened or what the prayer really meant but something changed. I felt different. I felt relief.

At the end of her show, I ordered her books and CD’s and for weeks I delved into them. Then I bought a bible and started reading it as well. Most of the time I couldn’t understand what the bible was saying but the more I read it the clearer it became.

In my 20’s I had been diagnosed with Manic Depression and two weeks after this experience that depression was lifted off of me. To this day, 19 years later, the depression has not returned, and I continue to learn His word. I am very grateful for His mercy.