H.O.E.

Cry. Laugh. Smoke. Drink. Rinse. Repeat. 

[asriviva]

I would like to NOT

Holy fuck buckets. I feel like this might be a mental breakdown happening. I could absolutely be going overboard, but I just.. it's just a lot. I have all of these thoughts rushing to me, and of course, that means I need to post to social media. I am just overwhelmingly emotional. I absolutely use humor to deflect what's really going on, but also need to make sure I stay strong through whatever I'm going through. It's almost like a manic episode of a million thoughts at once aka word vomit. The way that people are being traumatized all over the world, mainly people of color. How most of the time we don't hear about it until some hidden agenda needs to be addressed as if it hasn't existed this whole time. I am just tired, ( read exhausted). We are literally fighting for basic human rights, and there are literally people trying to justify why we shouldn't have them? The thought of people returning to work in the world right now is extremely overwhelming to me. I am at work right now and clearly should probably not be, but CAPITALISM. What can ya do? I'm really sad, and really tired. I am also concerned that maybe this is what takes me overboard. Is this what drives me to my limit?

[asriviva]

Still Broken

I never recall my brain struggling the way it has lately. I want to show up for so many people, and it’s just becoming so much harder than I want to admit. I find some days to be so frantic inside, that I wish I could just scream. I want to be saved, but I’m not sure anyone can do that for me. I just feel so unhinged. It’s all too much. I’d even like to run somewhere and hide, but I know that solves nothing. I find myself desperately looking for answers, I pray but maybe not hard enough? Maybe I’m not pushing myself hard enough for real, I don’t know what to make of anything anymore. Part of me wants to go back to my comfort zone, but the other part struggles with it feeling different. I almost feel like there is a lesson or a discovery I’m suppose to learn and that’s why I haven’t had peace about going back. It’s heartbreaking most days when I really let myself feel it, shit it’s heartbreaking dealing with most of my trauma. I struggled deeply with putting things into words, I want to be saved. I feel that most often and know the people I want to be saved by won’t because they know deep down they can’t? I don’t like being in a position where I feel like I have to depend on others, it’s almost like if I’m not fixing a problem it becomes increasingly uncomfortable for me. That’s when I feel most useful in some ways. I do want the lesson, but I’m worried I won’t survive. What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger though- right? So it’ll be fine, as I say far too often. Maybe life will get easier and I can start to believe it 

[asriviva]

Outstanding

When you make up your mind about a decision, you want peace to be the next thing that accompanies it. I find myself purposely breaking my own heart, because unconsciously or perhaps consciously I am still punishing myself. I also don’t think I’m ready to cut him out my life permanently. It seems to final, and such a terrible thing to do. The dilemma is I am ready to let someone else in. Maybe it’s always been him, as I find myself pondering more and more on a daily basis. This thought is also accompanied by a million and one other thoughts, about how it shouldn’t always have to be someone, right? Maybe it’s just me and I’m here to learn from them. I just have such a hard time breaking that cycle, because it’s my comfort zone. My go to, ya know? But a point was made that if I continue to guilt myself and not confront my emotions I can’t move forward and live. I have to live. I have to move forward.

[jadespetal]

chloe bailey is on her way to end us all

[asriviva]

Home

When things happen, how do you know it’s not something that “just happened”? Or maybe it comes down what you believe in. I had a session today with my therapist, ( yay for mental health ).. I started to peek at some clarity surrounding my friendship and just for a moment I was able to step outside my normal overthinking and give myself what could be deemed as grace. I am able to exist in way that I haven’t been able to in a very long time, I think that is the draw. My entire life has been based on the expectation whether it be from self or others that I am consumed by independence. I have carried things for so long, that for once I felt like I could trust someone else to take over. It’s terrifying because it seemingly happened so fast, and in a way randomly. How do you explain that, or is it even necessary to explain it. Maybe I have been harboring on something that shouldn’t even need to happen. When you go through life trying to tackle so many things at once, and becoming your own person as a human being you get overwhelmed. For me, I get that but I also feel like I take into consideration so many things that the phases of going through the emotion shouldn’t be drawn out. That’s the expectation I have for myself. All the trauma, all the influences, all the experiences, have landed me right here. Right now. I guess if I’m being honest, I don’t have time to figure out space to have a mental break down. I have things that need to be accomplished, and shit that needs to get done, things have to keep moving forward. I guess that’s why 

[destroymylife]

[umgarotoo]

I belong deeply to myself

[thoughtkick]

I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me?

Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[thoughtkick]

It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.

Paulo Coelho (via thoughtkick)

[asriviva]

Progression

So here we are post breakdown, and clarity may be presenting itself finally? I have this overwhelming sense of needing to further my knowledge with astrology. I just know the energy of the planets had an effect on my mental health these last few days. I realize that wanting to be a good person, and wanting to make decision solely based on the progression of where I feel like I need to be doesn’t always FEEL good, no matter how much I want or need it to. Someone I care deeply about, although I am still 10000% trying to process all of that told me they loved me today. He’s said it before, but it’s been a while and it just gave me this feeling that I haven’t felt in a while. There’s a process of grief that I feel like comes back and fourth when it comes to my current life affairs. I like saving people, I like “fixing” people. I don’t like feeling I’m breaking someone though, and I know it ultimately comes down to what I choose to take on but damn, sometimes I just need to know that it’s okay to be ....human. On this search for a deeper meaning of life, sometimes the lesson leaves you with more questions than answers. I’m hoping we are progressing in the right direction, but maybe that’s my problem. I always feel like there is a right or wrong way, when we all know that life isn’t just black and white. So ultimately, maybe that is the lesson to learn. Learning to exist in the area that is shaded gray, even if that means the answers aren’t clear. 

[asriviva]

Empty

Today I realized that I got what I’ve so desperately been asking for. S P A C E. I moved in with an old high school acquaintance in hopes that it would settle my anxiety and overwhelming collection of emotions. It’s made it worst, if we’re being honest. I am so tired of being sad. I’ve been perpetually addicted to social media, and I’m so annoyed by it. I am taking a training that mentally and emotionally should be assisting me, and I suppose in some way it is. I don’t want to quit, I want to keep trying, I am just ready to feel better. To feel something other than this overwhelming sadness and grief. I read something that said everything is just too much for everyone right now. I truly believe that, but how do we move past it? How do I work through all these feelings and come out feeling like I want to live again? I’ve been “ going through a tough time” since last year, when does it end? Am I victimizing myself and the situation? It’s unclear, but what is clear is that I am done. I. AM. DONE.

[sunsetquotes]

The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.

Ernest Hemingway (via sunsetquotes)

[asriviva]

All That I Can Say

You runaway to a new place in hopes that it will fix you. It will fix that deep emptiness that seems to be growing constantly, you want to fix it so desperately but have no idea where to begin. You feel split into so many pieces and desperately want them back. Pieces of you are with people you never thought would get to this point, life is crazy. L I F E I S C R A Z Y. This world seems to be slowly dying and people have lot of different ways in coping. I’ve never felt this sad before, even when I experienced loss on such deep levels, my mind seems as though it’s not even mine no matter how hard I try to find distractions. I am so sick of where I am right now, and each day I have this moment in my day where I just fall deep into this pit of despair, where I can’t seem to get a grip on anything anymore. This is where I am and something has a hold on me and I cannot shake it for the love of GOD. This must be what depression feels like

[build-me-a-home]

[thoughtkick]

I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me?

Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[thoughtkick]

It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.

Paulo Coelho (via thoughtkick)

[asriviva]

Happiness

I had the random urge today to just burst at the seams. This world we currently live in is so overwhelming most days. Sometimes I just don’t want to feel happy, positive, and optimistic. I am trying the best way I can most days to just get up and not give into the overwhelming build up of every feeling inside. Sometimes I just don’t want to be. I don’t want to make decisions, I don’t want to feel bad about others feelings, I don’t want to feel heavy. I just want to not be in my life. My goal with this is to just write, and maybe someone will understand and maybe I won’t feel so alone even though people in my life tell me that I’m not. But the show must go on, and the search for happiness over everything is apparently deep within, so shall we start digging?