It's an odd feeling, not being the type of person who considers themself terribly bothered by loss. Grief passes through me and over me in waves, and altho I grieve I am not the sort of person who feels like they are drowning in it. I don't find it easy! Just that it doesn't choke me up. If I am angry or feel like crying-- or both, as I often cry when I am angry --then I am and I do and I don't feel silly for it. If I am swept up by whatever emotions then I just am; then I self-sooth and continue until the next wave. Breathing through this metaphorical tide for as long as I am caught in it is natural to me but hard to describe in plain language which is why this is so damn flowery.
It's been a really really long 3 weeks. We've finally finished sorting trash from meaningful belongings which was the part that I was really good at. I still have to figure out how to rearrange our apartment to make room for new things. I also have a couple of trips to our storage unit to make, to reorganize what's in it and make room for things I can't quite fit in our home yet. That will keep me busy for awhile, and the clarity of these tasks is grounding... for me. I don't think any of it is particularly grounding for my partner whose family was already tiny and now only consists of us.
Our insurance doesn't cover mental health at all, so there's no option for grief counseling as we can't pay out of pocket. The best I can do is pull up books and offer to listen to them while they do. I might be able to find some groups? But we don't live in a large town, options are limited, and I am not sure there are any for people who aren't widow or widowers. Even if there are, my being out of work and my partner working 3rd shift makes attending some groups really hard.
Truly a disaster.
