Aste(risk) It All

Asterisk | they/it | 19 | university student by day, welding enthusiast by night | (immersive narrative project)

[asteriskitall]

i got truly inebriated for the first time this weekend.

i don't know what came over me. i was just there, and people were asking if i wanted to do stuff, and i remembered that he did that stuff so i wanted to do it too.

i guess maybe he's still influencing my life. a lot more than i'd like to admit.

alice wrapped a blunt and told me to breathe in, hold, inhale, then breathe out. we were sitting out on the grass off the street, just talking. the first hit was alright, but the second one was a long drag and i started coughing like hell when i breathed in. eventually i stopped and everything got dizzy. i felt kind of like i was dying and my throat was burning. i lay on the grass, then on alice's body. she kept asking me questions, trying to keep me there, and i remember wanting so badly to let go. to float off into space, and abandon my body. i thought maybe i could do it. i was high as fuck though. my voice started sounding really low, then the cars that were passing on the street looked like they were going in slow motion. i couldn't sit up for a long time. eventually i walked to alice's. she put a movie on but i don't know what, i just fell asleep on her couch.

like two days later i went over to some of alice's friends' apartment, to drink and play video games. i'd never met those girls before. one of them mentioned if maybe i was his partner and a piece of me sort of unwinded and i guess maybe that was why i chugged that second beer after the first one after a few shots of vodka even though alice told me not to. who knows, really? she left me with her beer and said "i'm trusting you to throw this one away," and i was only going to take a few sips from the second bottle, really, but a few sips turned into several swallows and then the bottle was like two thirds empty, and at that point what can you do but finish it off?

i remember at some point i sat outside on a bench in alice's arms and cried to her about him. i thought time would heal this but we loved each other enough for a lifetime and i don't think i ever miss him any less. he was my whole world.

i got hella dizzy. again. luckily when alice came back from getting her shit and i told her, she bundled up my ass and slept next to me. i woke up several times in the night, feeling kind of like throwing up. when i woke up my skin was tingling, but i ate and drank some water and it faded eventually. i guess it was a vitamin deficiency or something. i haven't really been taking care of myself. i still went to class eventually though.

sometimes i think about fucking the people i meet at parties. or even alice, when the thoughts turn really dark. i would never want to fuck alice though, and destroy the pure, honest love we share. she's like an older sister to me. but yeah honestly, i know fucking other people isn't the same and it never will be. after he took my virginity he told me i'm the last person he'll ever have sex with and i locked eyes with him and said he's my first and last. that hasn't changed for me. i don't know if it's changed for him. i hope not.

i don't even really know why i'm writing all this out. i guess i just don't have anyone else to tell. all of these things, the weed and the alc, i thought they'd be more momentous to me. more significant. but after he left, everything's been sort of monotone. being inebriated was nice. i was spacey as shit but it was nice because for once i could live beside my feelings for him, and choose to feel them, rather than letting them sneak up on me all at once.

also, i was having such a hard time focusing on shit that even if those things with their void bodies and glowing eyes were around, i don't remember them and i wouldn't have noticed. i just didn't give a shit about my mortality for a while. and that was lovely.

i should probably get some sleep. it's 1:36 am here right now. i don't think anyone even reads this blog but eh, it's my own record to keep. alright, goodnight world.

i hope he knows i love him.

[asteriskitall]

once, he took a video of me. it was years ago, but i have it still, saved and favorited. we were riding hovercrafts, racing them over the city skyline. he took the video on the camera embedded in his eyes' contact lenses so that it was completely from his perspective.

i don't think i've ever looked that happy. before that video, i'd never seen how my eyes light up, how my mouth splits wide open into a grin when i'm happy. and i don't think i've ever felt that much joy, except for when i was around him.

i opened the video on a whim tonight and played it again. my face, my smile, my eyes, the blur as the camera shifts. his voice: "come on, let's race. come on!" and then the camera swings forward to the gorgeous sunset, the towering buildings in front of us and speeding by on the sides of the frame when he urges his hovercraft faster. the camera blurs as he turns back to look at me, then focuses on my body crouched over my own craft, head tilted back, laughing with giddy excitement.

never before, and never again. that video captures such an isolated and beautiful moment in eternal memory. i hope he has it still. i wonder if he ever thinks of me the way i think of him. if he only remembers me half as often as i dote on him, i might be content.

i miss him. i miss him more than anything, especially when the night grows long and the memories all come rushing back. i miss him so, so much.

[asteriskitall]

welding is something the ancients used to do, the people who came before us. we learned a little bit about them in our history class. the ancients welded to build things with metal, like steel bridges. they wore protective gear to do it, like special darkening helmets and heavy gloves and jackets. you can be blinded, or damage your eyes, if you look too closely at the weld without protection.

i wonder what it was like back then, when death and injury lingered so closely. why did the ancients continue to endanger themselves? even with safety precautions, they were surely aware of the risks. why did they do it anyways? what drove them?

and does it drive me too?

but these days, safety is a given. if i so much as cut off a finger, i can repair it or regrow it at the hospital. and everyone wears the same lightweight composite clothes. although people like to pick unique colors and patterns, i think everyone's moving towards efficiency. the most protective, lightweight, comfortable clothes. even our clothing patterns are moving towards minimalism.

art, design, beauty: more things lost, silly toys belonging to vandalists, criminals, and the time of the ancients.

but i'm trying.

that's why i weld. i want to create.

like the ancients, i want to build, and not solely for functionality.

i want to design things that look good. i want to create art.

when i breathed in the air tonight, i smelled the smoking steel: a metallic, acrid smoke, very different from the cedar-campfire candle scent that assaults me every time i walk into a store of chemically engineered products. maybe the ancients were breathing the same air, all those years ago. there's something beautiful and traditional in carrying on their practices.

i'm taking a break right now, and i couldn't resist checking my texts. i've pulled up the screen right in the air, feeling the gentle buzz in my gloves as i flick through screens.

he hasn't messaged me.

i hadn't expected him to. but i still feel a little bit like crying.

at least i can't see any of those things. i'm wearing an antique welding helmet, the one passed down from my mentor. we don't necessarily need it... theoretically, our bodies have been so transformed that they are resistant to the injuries that welding might cause. but... well, it's tradition. it helps me feel safe, to focus on what i'm doing instead of looking nervously around me for those things.

and anyways, it helps me remember my old mentor.

he was like a father to me.

i hope he's doing alright.

honestly, i just hope he's still alive.

[asteriskitall]

was walking back from class today when i saw one of them. it had yellow eyes. i didn’t see it very clearly… i try not to look at them. they don’t usually hurt me if i don’t… i mean, i don’t know. i don’t… i can’t write it all here. i don’t know if they’re watching, if they know. 

they always know. 

[asteriskitall]

come home, come home, come home.

come home to me.

this is what i'm thinking while i weld.

sparks fly across my gloves. the flux core tacks steel to steel. i listen for the perfect snap, crackle, pop of the weld, "like the sound of sizzling bacon" my old mentor once taught me, to judge my distance and my pace. it only takes a few seconds to tack on each joint, but the important part is getting the pace right so the weld is clean and neat.

you can't rush things. you have to be patient.

like waiting for him.

like wanting to text him, but not doing it, because you know he's partying with his little university boys' club. you can't spam text him no matter how badly you want to, because you know you're being clingy and overwhelming. you really need to stop. take a deep breath. and allow time its gentle flow.

[asteriskitall]

supposed to do calc hw rn but ... i can see one of them out the corner of my eye. it's looming and it's so, so hard to ignore. i want to close my eyes. i want to scream. i'm trying not to cry.

it's like a void. empty. alone. not even eyes. just negative space.

it's terrifying.

i feel so empty when they're this close to me. and i'm starting to get cold. and it's really, really stupid, but i miss him.

once, he and i went on a night walk. my hands got cold, so i stuffed them in my pockets. but he noticed and rubbed my hands and blew on them until they warmed up. we held hands on the way back. i can't help but think about him right now.

when he's around, i can't see them anymore. or, maybe, they leave us alone. they leave me alone. i don't know. it's never happened before... or ever again.

i wish i could see him again.

[asteriskitall]

i… i don’t know. 

i don’t know what to do anymore. 

university was supposed to be my escape. 

no one can see them. 

no one but me.