cheeky bum @astorgos - Tumblr Blog

It's been a while!

Geez. I am not sure what went into my head and decided to recover this account.

Maybe because I have a lot of things on my plate right now. As much as I want to share them, it felt difficult to organize them and put into words.

I’d rather be alone than have someone stay with me just cause they feel bad for me. You do not love me. You do not care about me as my partner.

Akala ko mayroong matutuwa na dahil parte ako ng buhay nila. Akala ko lang pala. Saan nga ba ako magaling? Ang maging disappointment at sagabal. Ang mali kasi sa akin, sinasarili ko kapag mayroon akong problema tapos kapag nalalaman naman nila ay di ko ma-express nang maayos at pati tuloy sila naapektuhan.

I spoke with my Kuya today. He asked me what my problem is and I told him the truth. I really do not understand why it’s hard for me to understand the way I manage or see things. I overthink and try to isolate myself. I have been like this for weeks already at ngayon lang ako nagttry na to deal with it dahil tapos na ako with my internship duties. I finally have time for myself.

He then told me “Di kita maintindihan, magbigay ka ng specific situation. Ano ba sa tingin mo? Is that a generation thing? Sensitive na ba masyado yang generation nyo?” and he kept on comparing things between me and himself. I wanted to drop the call so bad. Oo nga pala, hanggang ngayon ata ay in denial siya na yung kapatid nya ay...

I thought it would end there already. I did not expect his responses pero mayroon naman akong nakuha from him.

I am worrying too much about something I cannot control or beyond my control.

I am being too hard on myself.

I should be focusing my energy onto something productive.

Kulang lang ako sa usap.

See, kahit ako di ko maintindihan as to why I overthink. Ako mismo naghahanap ng paraan para ma-divert ko yung energy ko at pati na din ang attention ko. Kaya nga laking pasasalamat ko na I went back to school kasi kahit papaano eh mayroon akong kailangan gawin and I feel forced to focus on that instead of my worries.

“Pagod na ako intindihin yung sarili ko at kung bakit hindi ko mapigilan na pakinggan yung mga boses. Pagod na ako mag-overthink, hindi ko siya intentional na ginagawa ko pero kusa siya gumagana.”

#personal

One thing’s for sure, oh you were eternal.

dallasclayton

I am the 2018 version of yourself.

Yesterday, you went to see your psychiatrist and was hoping if you could stop taking your medicine. She did not allow you. However, you were given an explanation as to why you cannot stop taking your medicines. Why am I saying this? It is because you still do not know who you are or maybe you are just pretending not to know. You do not like your psychiatrist- for her, you are just worried and overthinking. She decided to give you medicine just for the sake of you coming back again to her. You wanted to have a new approach.

You are still awake, thinking about a lot of stuff. No, not really. Well, okay.... you are thinking about him. Who? Him. Miguel. Yeah, that guy. He made you feel all and then one day, he decided to end things. You guys stopped talking last February then on his birthday, March 3, he asked you to stop talking to him. Of course, you miss him. You tried. You were able to push yourself and avoid talking to him. Things were going well when he decided to call you again. And things began to become shitty again. You asked him multiple times but he would not answer you. He was able to make you shut your mouth when he asked you “Can we not just talk about the past and talk normally?” Marupok ka, eh. You decided to try it again, hoping it will work this time.

Two weeks ago, he told you that he does not like to facetime because “it’s time consuming.”

--------

Fast forward to today, December 28 2019. You are now single. Miguel is now in a relationship with a girl named Taja. For sure you remember how it all happened. You decided to stop contacting him around August 2018. He went home to the Philippines in the same month and met up with Taja. After his vacation, around September, he decided to call you. You were able to ask him stuff you’ve been wanting to ask. You were able to make him confess. All the while, he has been communicating with her. He totally made you a fool.

It was a mess. As usual, you continued talking to him until shit happened and it knocked you off. You were miserable. You were heartbroken. I don’t know what else to type. You know what happened. But hey, you are getting better. Forget about him.

And here I am, bumabalik yung 14/15 year old self ko. Gumagawa ng paraan para di na umattend ng afternoon classes, nagsasakit-sakitan sa clinic, hindi pumapasok, at ayaw na magbasa ng anything. Balik na naman ba ako sa zero? Yung tipong lahat ng bagay sa paligid ko, malala. Ah yes, sa isip nyo siguro well shit happens. Ewan. But this time, no more of those acting shit. Hinaharap ko na pero may urge na ako na sumuko na.

I tried. Almost five years ko na ito nilalabanan pero napapagod na ako. I have no idea what’s stopping me or who is stopping me every time na I attempt to do it. Mas lalo lang ako naging malungkot ngayon.

It’s hard to explain to someone na ganito na ako talaga. It’s not that I am not trying my best to be “normal” or become “better” hindi lang talaga ako “normal” at hanggang “good” lang ang kaya ko. Think of it as a factory defect, na mali talaga pagkakagawa simula pa lang. But hey, at least I still function and I can do other things.

Why am I saying this? Siguro, na-apektuhan ako sa sinabi ng isang taong malapit sa puso ko. Sure, people can remove your from their lives kung nagiging toxic ka na. Pero, sigurado ba na toxic na ako? Sigurado ba na ako ang nagkulang? Hindi ko lang ma-gets kung bakit hindi ako kinausap na lang, na may nagagawa pala akong hindi sapat. For me, I tried my best. I gave my everything. Lahat ng oras at atensyon ko binigay ko. Why? Kasi alam ko kung ano feeling na walang nakakaintindi at walang nagiintidi sayo. Kung may kulang, sabihan lang ako ulit. Pwede naman ayusin.... Nasaktan lang ako na masabihan ng taong akala ko makaka-intindi sa akin na toxic ako. Tangina sorry ha, may saltik itong nilandi mo eh. Dibale papa-double ko yung dose sa doctor ko next time para tumino na ako. Akala ko tanggap nya ako, hindi pala.

Ayon lang, kaya ayoko na malaman ng iba may sakit ako eh. Ewan.

#personal

tvneon

It’s been a while. Yung last post ko dito, matagal na din na-post.

Life update: A lot of things have happened this year- I am not exaggerating. Nonetheless, I am glad with whatever that has happened to me or my life in general. Sad to say, I was diagnosed with depression comorbid anxiety and anxiety. I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist, counsellor, and psychologist. It was kind of a weird feeling at the beginning but as months passed by, marerealize mo na ‘hey, this is like an actual thing and i should not be embarrassed about it.’ Of course, you will meet those kind of people na hindi talaga lubos na mauunawaan kung ano nga ba ito pero mawawalan ka na lang talaga ng pake? You’ll eventually get tired of explaining shit to them. But of course, I really want to discuss it with them so that they’ll know what is it. Not for my sake. Iba na ang may alam.

This month last year, I started dating a guy. He came home from Canada, spent two months here, and we kinda decided to meet. Prior to that, nag-uusap na kami online for quite some time na. All I can say is, it was hard but I am happy. Madaming iyakan pero nagkabalikan na kami muli. Dating again. We are still trying to figure things out- mahirap na hakbang ito. He will start working at the hospital (he just graduated and passed his canadian boards) and malapit na mag-umpisa internship ko. Describe him? Totally my type. Chinito, blind like me, smart (as in), and incredibly funny.

College life: I am *almost* there! This incoming school year, fourth-year college student na ako! I am *almost* there! Block section na lang kami, from 80 students down to 47 na lang kami. I’d say na the past school year opened us to the ‘our future world’. We met our patients already; assessed and diagnosed, performed tests, and more. I have to admit this: I fell in love with the program. Although I have already admitted before that I love kids, but in this case, I prefer handling geriatric clients.

#personal #college

I am back again. It’s already 2017, kay bilis ng panahon eh ‘no? I came across my tumblr blog kasi nag-aayos ako ng google account ko at nasa profile ko ang link ng tumblr ko. I remembered na naka-link yung email ko for school sa youtube account ko. So I had to preview it and check if it’s “professional” enough at hindi pagtawanan ng professors and blockmates.

It’s been a month since I had the attack, after it everything became weird. My blockmates became cautious or concern with me, they told me to eat on time or they always ask me if someone’s gonna fetch me. I want to tell them to just not bother me. Lol. Of course, pati si Inay naging cautious na rin. It felt weird for her to be this concerned sa akin, siguro di lang ako sanay. My mother asked my uncle if he could drive me to school, I felt hesitant kasi syempre abala at sayang sa oras. Mga two weeks lang na ganon then I finally told my mother na h’wag na. After the attack, I don’t know. I don’t feel weird? Walang changes sa akin? Siguro, naging mas aware lang ako sa surroundings ko. I tried reading articles and mga experiences ng mga tao online whenever they experience an attack. Tapos I also try to dx myself, it was mentioned that some cases can lead to more serious concern such as schizophrenia edi syempre ang lola mo napaisip. Will I have one? Siguro kung hindi ko aalagaan ang sarili ko. I also went to the school clinic kasi gusto nila ng update about me, the head physician of the school checked on me and she wanted an ECG and another test ( i forgot because i was drowsy when we talked) but she gave me the prescription so. Of course, di ko pa sinasabi kay inay.

I learned that it’s okay to vent it out to someone, masama na isa-sarili mo lang iyan. Yes, everyone gets anxious but if it affects the way you live, talk to someone.

I can't stop my mind from thinking, kesyo ayos lang ba yung sinabi ko sa taong ito, may nagawa ba akong mali, nagbasa ba ako ng ayos, pinaguusapan na ba nila ako, galit siguro sila sa akin kasi may nagawa akong mali, magkano natira sa baon ko, bakit kaya ganon siya, bakit ang bilis nya maglakad, at iba pang bagay. I constantly think of others pero sarili ko hindi ko iniiisip. Hindi naman ako over-acting, eto talaga eh.

No, it's not about the presentation nor when my professors criticized my work. I was mad at myself for not studying, for not presenting properly, for being a disappointment, for being dumb, and for being forgetful. How could I forget that? It was assigned to me, I could've just presented it properly. No, I am not mad at anyone. Only to myself. I guess it was just the last straw- my system finally gave up. I had to let it all out. I couldn't control myself, I have no idea what was happening already.

But what if, they thought I did that because I didn't like how they criticized me? No, I am actually okay. Go criticize me, it's all right that's how professionals become successful. No, I didn't react like that because I do not like being criticized. Please do not jump into conclusions. Try listening to me.

Okay I'm getting anxious again. How could I ever face them again? I haven't slept yet, I mean how could I sleep if my mind wouldn't' stop thinking? Yeah, another attack? No, not at this hour. God, that was tiring and stressful. I barely much remember how they injected me with a substance that would help me calm down. Anti-depressants? Was it valium or xanax? I don't know.

I have no intention of doing that, I couldn't stop myself. If only this thing had an on and off button, I would've clicked off. But there's no button.

Have I ever considered saying goodbye? No. Never. Even if I’m physically and emotionally tired of what’s happening inside of me, I still try to pick myself up. After all, it’s all you- you’re the only one who can fix yourself. I am trying, so do please give me some more time. I do not know what’s wrong with me or why am I having these attacks. I cannot control them, they just happen whenever I am in a situation I could no longer handle. I only knew about it yesterday; that I am fragile or have a defect. Please do not compare your situation with mine, the voices in our heads are different.

I didn’t plan this, if I could stop this from happening again, I would. I’m doing all my best to clean these shits. So stop blabbering non-sense.

Siguro kasi iniisip ko palago kung nakakasakit ako sa ibang tao o di kaya ay may nagagawang mali. Lagi kong iniisip na pinag-uusapan na ako ng ibang tao, na may galit sila sa akin. Kahit nagpapansinan, di mawala sa isip ko yung idea na may galit itong tao na ito sa akin. Na ayaw na nila saakin. Madami akong naririnig na boses, di ko mapigilan na di sila pakinggan. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. I hate myself because nagiging insensitive ako sa feelings ng iba. Na nasasaktan ko na pala sila, kaya ayan nilalayuan nila ako o di kaya ay pinaguusapan. People may come and go, alam ko naman iyon, dati pa. Kahit nga yung mga taong di ko talaga kilala eh wala na.

I am embarrassed for what happened yesterday, hindi ko maintindihan bakit ako nagkakaganoon. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit doon pa, sa harap pa nila. But I knew I wasn't feeling well even before the presentation. But what they know is that I was okay and I went in front with a big smile and full of confidence. But I wasn't okay. I was just hiding it, by laughing or talking to my friends. I had to control it. I had to stop them from controlling me. But I failed, they were able to take over my body. They filled my mind with negative thoughts. For a few seconds, they made me think whether everything around me is real or not. Although, nakapagpresent pa ako but not so much. I really don't know it was my part or talaga bang alam ko pero nakalimutan ko? For the whole week, parang ang dami kong nakakalimutan. Ready naman akong magpresent, kaya ko naman, but fear has already indulged me. Pangit ang naging presentasyon ko. Then it happened. I felt as if somebody's choking me, I couldn't stop myself from moving my hands- I was still aware of my body movements. I tried to stop myself from leaving the room. But I was so mad at myself, for being a useless person and for being dumb. I was already scared of what they will say about me, I could see them avoiding my sight. I could hear them laughing because of my stupidity.

I do not what happened after, all I know is that I am tired. I woke up twice, or maybe more than that. Yung huling gising ko, nasa faculty na ako ng SLP. With my program director. She explained to me that I had a panic attack that day, I saw scratches on my forearms. I do this every time I do something awful. Then she drove me home. Binaggit niya sa akin na ako ang huling taong aakalain nya na magkakaganito, dahil pala-ngiti at tawa ako. Nakakakapagpresent naman daw ako ng ayos sa klase. Well, that's how I hide my pain. I laugh or talk to my friends. It helps pero after a few minutes, yung atensyon ko nasa mga bagay na nangggulo sa akin.

I do not know what's wrong with me, all I know is that I feel afraid. Scared. Of what? I do not know. I know there are things in my head but I cannot explain it to them. I want to tell them that there are a lot of things going on inside my head, which all make me feel this way.

I am afraid that I might not be able to control my body and mind. That I might go insane. My paternal aunt was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while my uncle is under therapy and medication, he almost lost his mind before.

What if, I will be the next one in our family to have this? I do not know. I want to graduate. I want to live.

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