Okay so I have two basic main points: why endgameâs ending feels different, and what exactly that means to me- and, I think, to a lot of us.
The ending to this movie feels, to me and to a lot of us, like a complete betrayal of Steve Rogersâs character. But the problem here is that the writers wholeheartedly donât believe that- and a lot of other fans donât believe that either. Itâs not like the ending of GOT, where even people who had never watched the show were outraged over the poor characterization choices. There was a righteous uprising against the objectively terrible writing. But this feels like itâs just us. Weâre lumped into the category of The Hysterical Gay Shipping Fangirls, which immediately strips away all integrity in our criticisms and complaints. And itâs always been this way, for the majority of popular shows with large followings.
But the reason it feels different this time is because this isnât queer-baiting (which is another term thatâs been driven into the Laughable Stupid Fangirl terminology handbook.) This isnât just a network executive appeasing their gay-seeking audience while at the same time being too scared to jump to actual legitimate representation (see: Sherlock, Night at the Museum, Supernatural, etc ad infinitum.) (And no I am not joking about NATM.) This feels like queer-shaming, if anything. This feels like the writers are deliberately showing us how stupid we were to ever hope- to even think in the first place- that these two characters would ever care for each other with any form of love. (Oh, but this time they made sure to clarify that theyâre fine with gay people, and Joe Russo is fine with playing a gay character whose only defining characteristic is that heâs gay- yikes- but just donât taint any of our beautiful, strong, straight righteous men with your ~gayness~.)
And yet still, the worst part about endgameâs ending is the finality. Thereâs no re-interpretation that makes this okay. To reach anything remotely resembling happiness between Steve and Bucky, youâd have to undo the fundamental plot point that was written. (Which, honestly, wouldnât be hard because it was so sloppily tacked on that they had to stuff awkward foreshadowing throughout the rest of the film to keep it from feeling grotesquely out of place.) But itâs not as easy as just assuming that between CACW and AIW, Bucky and Steve had probably seen each other. It would be disingenuous now to assume that theyâd ever interact again, at all.
Iâve talked to my therapist about this- learning how to move on, and how to be okay with the idea of moving on as a concept in the first place. And it all boils down to grief. I- and Iâm sure I share this feeling with many of you- I am just grieving. Iâm grieving the loss of a character I loved, the loss of a relationship that inspired me emotionally and creatively, helped me find connections with other people. Iâm grieving the loss of a long period of happiness in my life that I canât get back. And when I come on here and I see people talking about Steve or Bucky, or drawing them or painting them or writing about them, it triggers that grief all over again. I had to take a break from social media for a while to escape it.Â
I spent five years of my life writing and living in the Stucky fandom, and (I will say, unhealthily) it was a central part of who I was as a person. And now that thatâs changing, itâs hard to figure out what thatâs going to mean for me. I feel lost, because I donât have this label anymore and Iâm trying to figure out who I am without it. I feel scared, because I donât know what Iâm going to do creatively without these characters, and Iâm scared to care about something else so strongly again. I feel shame for caring this strongly about fictional characters and their relationships. I feel anger. But mostly I think I feel tired.Â
Even writing this feels hopeless. When I started, I had the idea that if I could pinpoint exactly what I felt and why, it would have some sort of effect. It would make people see the truth, maybe it could change something. But I know that it wonât. All this will do is make me look like one of those angry, hysterical fangirls that the world seems to hate so much.Â
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