solipsism

What happens to wisdom that is never fully understood?

[atleastimliving]

This life isn't mine to live

This breath has burdened me for all eternity

I'm not happy and I'm not sad

I am burdened with the knowledge that I exist

I am burdened with the knowledge that this is how I exist

I am the fool

I am the writer

I am my past

This existence was not meant for me

And here I rot

And here I breathe

- spring 2026 - k.s.

[atleastimliving]

creo que te he conocido antes

te escribo este poema

en la noche más sola

porque no dejo de soñar en ti

creo que te he escuchado antes

te leo este poema

en el día más triste

porque no dejo de pensar en ti

creo que te he amado antes

te pienso este poema

en el atardecer más cansado

porque no dejo de quererte a ti

- déjame enseñarte mi amor - k.s.

[atleastimliving]

i came back empty

looking through a glass pane

searching for you

the weather outside is different

from the one in my memories

everything is different

maybe i shouldn't complain

i knock

you don't look up this time

have i always been here?

i touch the glass

it cracks

the weather outside is different

maybe i should start complaining

you look up to me

a gentle smile

have you always been there?

blood pools on my hand

shattered glass on the floor

the weather outside is different

maybe i shouldn't complain

-where are you?

[atleastimliving]

I miss when I was younger

I had no worries

And I knew what I wanted in my life

Now

I just sit and wait for something to happen

And I worry

Because I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore

-k.s. (July 27, 2016)

[atleastimliving]

odio que puso rabia en mi corazón

[atleastimliving]

la maldad pudre

[atleastimliving]

A friend asked me why I was quiet today

I hadn't realized I hardly talked

No, maybe something else. Where was I.

A friend asked me of the weather today

I hadn't realized it was raining

Wrong again. Say something else.

A asked me something today

I hadn't it was nothing

Try try try try try try try try try. No, again.

Where is my friend

Why am I realizing now

No no no no no no no no no. You are off script.

Why aren't they here

Why is this happening

Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Leave. Now.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Please let me stay

A friend asked me how I was doing today

- are you my friend?

[atleastimliving]

the light filtered through today

casting a shadow on what once was

i simply stared

wishing it would give me answers

basking in the heat of the tiny sliver of light

"Coward"

i hear it whisper

it sounded so much like you

- i've nailed my curtins closed

[atleastimliving]

where are you now?

what have you done?

who have you been?

do you remember the time you played a song on the speakers of our old auditorium?

you really wanted me to hear it

do you remember for your birthday i made you a drawing and got all of our friends to sign it?

you had been really sad because you thought I had forgotten

do you remember my theory about the whole universe being different versions of the same baby?

you sent me a message discussing it instead of laughing

I've forgotten what song you played

I've missed four of your birthdays already

I haven't made up any theories since then

Are we still okay?

Are we still the same?

Do you still worry about me?

- a letter to one of my dearest oldest friend

[atleastimliving]

I love seeing my mistakes, because it reminds me that I still exist

[atleastimliving]

i just wanted a mother

i already didn't have a father

-sometimes its difficult to remember you

[atleastimliving]

the ruined temple in me is starting to fade

the people do not come any more

broken pieces of glass shattered

depicting what once was glorified

-perhaps it is best to forget

[atleastimliving]

where am i?

where have i gone?

help me

help me

help me

i can't see it anymore

my reflection

please

please

please

why can't i see?

why can't i know?

someone

someone

someone

i can't feel it anymore

my soul

why me

why me

why me

-i lost myself looking for something i have never known

[atleastimliving]

and the further i went

i could hear happiness beckon me

it was silly, you see

the trees were swaying

and i was basking in the sun

running, feeling free

then a dark warmth seeped into my skin

not a chill or a feeling of cold

dark, warm sorrow

the dirt between my toes yearning to feel

yearning to know why the sun had gone out

i stopped running, why did i stop running

-freedom -k.s.

[atleastimliving]

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm trying my best

why can't you see that

why don't you leave me alone

why won't you forgive my mistakes

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm at my worst

you must see that

you should be helping me

you can forgive my mistakes

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

what did I do wrong?

why do I deserve this?

will I ever feel better?

-why don't you ever help me?

[atleastimliving]

everyone makes it so hard for me to exist

i know i come off as a scary person

so i always try to make myself small so that you are comfortable around me

my breathing has become so shallow my doctors don't notice it anymore

i use manners like "excuse me, please, and thank you"

the tape has been running out and i still have patches of my skin that i need to hold in

yet you still look at me like that

like I'm going to hurt you

like i could break at any moment and have you regret trusting me

and if i ever mess up, you point it out and say "yes, i knew you were always like that"

you all make me feel bad for existing

- why do you make it so hard for me to exist?

[atleastimliving]

BRO FUCK BEING AFRAID