Translation of run_withthewolf’s instagram post (Jonghyun’s will)
[Korean has many ambiguous pronoun sentence structures so I bracketed the uncertain pronouns. My Korean is not perfect so please read with caution!]
“I had my last goodbye with Jonghyun.
As I saw the smiling photo, I still believed Jonghyun would come towards me and smile as if this were all a dream.
A while ago, Jonghyun opened up to me with his dark and deep stories.
I think it was very hard for him every day.
I informed his family of these worrisome thoughts and tried hard to reach his heart, but in the end, we were only able to buy time and were unable to stop the end.
I still cannot believe that he is not in this world anymore and it’s so painful.
Even now, I am afraid whether it is right to upload these words but Jonghyun himself requested me to upload this if he ever disappeared from the world.
I hoped that this day would never come…
After consultation with family,
Following his testament, I upload his will.
For sure, I believe there is a reason he entrusted this action/deed to me.
I worry that there will be criticism as well. However
I expect that much and thinking that this was what he requested of me, I decided that this is the last thing I could do for Jonghyun’s sake.
Even now, I wish to let Jonghyun know that he is not alone.
And tell him thank you for the effort… you did very well…
Please tell him thanks for enduring well.
Beautiful Jonghyun I love you so much.
I will continue to love you more.
In that place, I hope you will not be in pain but be comfortable.
.
This is the whole will.
.
.
I’m broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly nibbled away at me eventually swallowed me whole.
I could not win against it.
I hated myself. Though I held onto the collapsing memories and screamed at myself to hang in there, there was no answer.
If I cannot stop the choked breaths, it’s better to stop it overall.
I asked who can take responsibility for me.
Only you.
I was absolutely alone.
Saying that I will end it is easy.
Actually ending it is hard.
I lived through (because of) that difficulty.
I just wanted to run away.
Right. I wanted to run away.
From myself.
From you.
Who was over there? [It] said it was me. Again, it said it was me. And again, it said it was me.
Why do you keep forgetting? It’s your personality’s fault. I see. In the end, it’s all my fault.
I hoped that someone would notice but no one had any idea. Because they never met me, it was obvious no one would know I existed.
Why do you live? Just because. Just because. Everyone just lives.
Why do you die? If they ask, I would say I’m exhausted.
I suffered and contemplated. I had never learned how to turn loathsome pain into joy.
Pain is simply pain.
Don’t be like that, [they] urged.
Why? Why can’t I end things the way I want to?
Find the source of my pain, [they] said.
I knew too well. I’m hurting because of myself. Because it was all my fault and I was worthless.
Doctor did you want to hear these words?
No. I did nothing wrong.
When [he] blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought being a doctor is quite easy.
Why am I hurting this bad? It’s a fascinating. Those people who are struggling more than me live on just fine. Even those who are weaker than me live on just fine. I guess not. Out of the people living, there is no one weaker or struggling more than I am.
Live on anyways, [they] said.
Even if I ask myself hundreds of times why I should do that, it’s not for my sake. It’s for your sake.
I wanted it to be for my sake.
Please don’t say things you don’t know.
Figure out why I am in pain? I explained it many times before. Why I’m in pain. It doesn’t have to be this hard. Does there need to be a more definite drama? Do you want to have more stories?
I already told the story. Are you perhaps pretending to listen? The things I can win against are not left as scars.
Encountering/facing the world was not my role it seems.
What was broadcasted (becoming known) to the world was not my life it seems.
It’s hard because it’s like that. Because I encountered, was known, It’s hard. Why did I make that choice? It’s funny.
Persevering until now is commendable, right?
What more is there to say? Just tell me “thank you for the effort.”
That I did well. Acknowledge that I went through many difficulties.
Even if you can’t laugh/smile, please don’t send me off with blame/fault.
Thank you for the effort.
You went through a lot.
Goodbye.”
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