It's been like this. Ever since your presence haunted every room in the house. He must be hallucinating.
Why must he suffer like this?
He would find you in the kitchen, humming a tune that always manages to soothe him every morning. You were dazzling. just the side of your profile was enough to make his morning pleasant. The way your hair was tied messily, just the way he likes it, the way the apron was hugging your body just right, and the way you're deeply focusing on the food you were cooking. But your attention would then shift to somewhere else then. you'd look up from what you were doing. Your eyes locking with his for a moment. A knowing cheeky smile that would always appear when you caught him staring too hard.
"You're up early kuni, Breakfast is almost done!"
The voice he wouldn't mind hearing every damn second. He could only let out a gruffly, "yeah yeah" but deep down he knowsโ you know there wasn't any bite to it.
He marched towards you, and made his way behind your back. His arms wrapping around you tightly, as if he doesn't want this moment to end, as if he's afraid to let go. He always does this in the morning. Always clinging to your side when he sees you. He rested his chin against your shoulders, listening to you complain that he was too heavy and that he needs to get off. But he doesn't. He doesn't want to. He doesn't need to.
More of your complaining was enough for him to finnally let go, mostly because you were beating him with the end of the spatula. but archons. How he wished he didn't. Because now, his kitchen was filled with memories he wishes to forget.
He'd wake up, desperately hoping to somehow find you where he would always find you. You were there. In the kitchen. Playing the same very memory he cherishes. You'd look up, locking eyes with him. A cheeky smile on your facโ but it wasn't the fucking same. Stop it. He needs to stop. he was hallucinating. Undoubtedly, that was the case. It's not fucking real. You weren't real. He's surely lost his mind. Because you weren't here in his very world that you were once in. You were gone. You weren't here anymore. And he needs to fucking get it in his head.
his morning will never be pleasant like before.
...
By afternoon, you'd take care of your garden. He'd watch you by the window. Watering your beloved plants with care. He'll remember the day you lecture him about how plants need sun or whatever. He wasn't listening. He was too caught up with how you looked while explaining something trivial to him.
you're just wasting your time. You should've been here inside with him, showering him with attention but you're outside. your attention on plants he couldn't care less about. Then again. It's as if you've got some sixth sense. You looked up, turning around to meet his gaze. You chuckled, waving at him through the window. Fuck, he was lovestruck. Heck, he couldn't even care less about the dirt that was on your face. if he were to see this sight multiple times, everyday, every second, i guess he wouldn't mind letting you covet on those stupid plants of yours everyday.
You're such a headache. He's seeing you again. And the grip on his mug would break any second now. You're outside the garden, planting more plants. Although this time, the sky was dark and cloudy. You don't do this. It was out of character of you to do this. You don't go out to see your plants in this kind of weather. You mostly see them when the sun illuminates brightly. It was a win win for you and him after all. Your plants will grow more healthy and he gets to see you under the sun. The ache in his head wasn't getting any better as you turned your head to meet his cold gaze. You raised your hand as if you're about to wave at him, your mouth openโ
Shatter !
The window was broken. The shattered glass scattered around the floor. The mug on his hand that he held was gone. And you were also gone. He was panting heavily. His teeth gritted. He truly has lost his mind. He did. Because he swore you always took care of your plants, but why were most of them wilting? They shouldn't be wilting. You always took good care of them. It must be him.
...
Evening. He'd find you at the back of the house, staring at the sunset that was about to set. It was the scenery that you both loved. He slowly walked up to you. he was hiding something. He was. And you caught him once again. You quickly turned around. His body instantly freezing when you did.
"kuni?"
"Tsk, can't even let me finish what i was supposed to do, huh?" He rolled his eyes. Clicking his tongue. Awkwardly walking towards you.
You could only let out a giggle, you tapped the ground with your hand. Beckoning him to sit beside you and watch the sunset. And he did. He sat with you. Your hair was ruffled by the wind and yet you still looked breathtaking. It bought a small smile to his face. Sighing, he looked away. He didn't want to. But he needed to so he could hide his flushed face. He brought his hand up, flowers and a box of chocolate. Your favorite kind of chocolate.
"What's this for ..?" You slowly reached out for the present he prepared. Your hands brushing against his as your lips stretches slowly into a smile.
"Nothing, just... A gift for you"
"because?"
"because.. i love you."
"that's so corny"
"you know what? Nevermiโ"
"you're so easy to tease."
He rolled his eyes as you instantly snatched it away from him before he could change his mind. You stare at the flowers he got you. It was lovely. Your favorite color. You glanced at him, he was still looking away. You let out a small 'hmp' as you set the flowers aside. quickly, you opened the box, picking a heart shaped one and popping it in your mouth. Humming to let him know that you approved of the taste. He turned his head to fully face you. Wanting to see the face he dearly loves contort into pure bliss when taking each bite. He was proud. Why wouldn't he be? You smiled for what he prepared for you. And that smile makes him smile also.
you brought another heart shaped chocolate up. But this time you angle it to his face. Too fixated by your face, he failed to notice. It's when you pressed the chocolate on his lips is where he snapped out of it. He sighs, hesitantly opening his mouth. You fed him it. And he ate it. he tired looking away to try hiding the embarrassing awkward look on his face yet again. But this time, he didn't because you cupped his cheeks.
"kuni." His eyes widen, when did your face get so close? He was about to say something but couldn't form a proper sentence due to the chocolate in his mouth. And at the right moment. You pressed your lips against his. Sensually. It took him a minute before he relaxed. Closing his eyes, he savored the moment. After minutes you pulled away, eyes drowsy. Muttering, "thank you."
...
Your fingers played with his hair. He was resting his head on your lap. Eyes closed. He accidentally mentioned it before during a conversation with you. He always manages to fall asleep when he lays his head on your lap. It slipped out. And you couldn't forget how red his face has gotten that day.
You paused, your fingers stopping. And he took notice of it. He open his left eye to look at you with a raised brow. And you could only stare at him.
"spit it out." He bluntly says. He doesn't like it when you do this. It does something to him. It somehow makes his heart ache when something bothers you.
"I'm sorry."
...
"im sorry that i couldn't... I couldn't be strong."
His throat has gon dry then.
"I'm sorry that I'm not healthy, I'm sorry that I'm weak... I'm sorry that I'm sicโ"
He didn't let you finish. He wouldn't let you finish. He got up instantly. His body suddenly was pressed against yours, his hands wrapped around your waist as he pulled you deeper into his arms. It was a tight hug, too tight for your liking. It knocked the air out of your lungs. You didn't get to finish what you were about to say.
He told you multiple timesโ He hates it when you bring that up. Hates it when you apologize for something that wasn't your fault. Hates it when you smile when it always comes to this. It isn't your real smile that he was used to.
You couldn't see his face. But you knew. You knew. You knew what face he was making. He was yours after all. And he knew. He knew that you knew what face he was making.
"you're impossible ... " He said it so easily. But you knew him.
"It's not your fault. None of it is your fault." He was stuttering. Some may not even notice he was but you did. You always did.
"I'll fix this, we'll fix this, we still have time." He was breathing heavily this time.
"Iโ"
"don't." He knows that there wasn't anything good that will come out of your mouth. And you knew it too. So, you could only say,
"I... I love you... Kuni.."
...
"I love you more..."
It was dark. The room was cold. Too cold for his liking. He's having trouble drifting to sleep. Well how can he sleep when he he knows that his special person that was always by his side wasn't here anymore? He has your shirt beside him. clenching your favorite shirt tightly. The very shirt that he bought for you, the shirt you always wore, the shirt you always got dirty with dirt when you're gardening. It still smells like you but he doubt the scent will last.
He seems lifeless. It's like the color in him has been drain. It's as if his life no longer had meaning. He seems to be staring at your vanity. he could see your reflection in the mirror. But you looked more healthy there. The last time he saw you was how tired you looked in his arms. You were frail, coughing up as you tried hard to hold onto your precious life. This place was truly haunting him. Mocking him perhaps. Yet he couldn't bring himself to leave. Because this place was his sanctuary. Your sanctuary. The very place you both call home. The place where you promised you both will grow old in. The place where you both made countless memories that he would always cherish.
But, why are those beloved memories you both made are haunting him now?
scaramouche didn't even planned for this to happen. didn't even planned for you to be a part of his dull, pathetic life. Heck, He didn't even notice you break the walls he built around his sensitive heart. He didn't even notice anything that happened around him that involves you in it.
He just started talking to you every day in class, surely it was because you were only trying to get a word out of his mouth by annoyingly bothering him, and it worked! Although, let's put that aside for now.
He would find himself sharing small or either big things without fully realizing that he was already spilling too much to you. He would find himself letting out a small, soft, genuine laugh after you told him a awful joke that nobody would absolutely find funny. He just didn't want you to feel bad if he didn't laugh. Surely that was it.
And before he realized it, he found himself indulge in your hobbies, your hobbies that was like a parasite that insist on stitching into his own hobbies and not only thatโ he enjoyed everything about it secretly.
Somehow getting a text from you when starting his mornings: barely touching his breakfast as to keep replying to your so called 'annoying' text. He should've been finished eating by nowโ he should've been in the shower already or taking a small stroll outside or... or doing something that he finds enjoyable! But no, he's on his phone. Texting away with someone not worthy of his time.
by the evening he would listen to music, his daily basis. He finds it calming, it keeps his problems away for a moment, but instead of listening to it alone, he now listens to it with you besides him. sharing the purple earphones he bought last summer. The very one that you pestered him to buy because the color reminds you of him.
by night he would usually do school works or study but this time, not alone. He has you on call. Also studying along with him. Now, as much as he wants to focus solely on his work, you tempted him. that was it. it's not because he likes hearing your voice, it's because he pity you for not having friends to study with. And he'll feel bad if he didn't help someone indeed as yourself.
He didn't mean to let you in, it was a mistake, a mistake that he was thankful for. No. A mistake he regretted.
Becauseโ
you suddenly pull awayโ why? Why though? For what reason? And damn it, it feels like withdrawal. It feels empty. It feels stupid.
Scaramouche tend to try to convince himself that everything was fine, it always has been.
but there was something weighing heavily on his chest. His heart clenches every time he scroll down his phone, his fingers stopping mid swipe when it always lands on your new post every day, as if mocking him. His body freezing every time when someone mentions your name in campus. His lips slowly stretching into a tin line when someone mentions that they have a certain liking that you also like.
This is what he was afraid of, why he's afraid of attachmentโ the reason why he wouldn't let anyone come close, won't let anyone interfere with his life, won't let anyone stick beside him like a parasite, won't let anyone walk in his life as they pleased and then just suddenly leave.
Because he knows it will be hard to get rid of someone that has took place in your heart, Someone that caught your full attention, someone that always manages to make you smile and laugh.
He could only keep telling himself that it doesn't wound him, he wouldn't let it wound him. He has been through the same thing before anyways. He can manage it. He'll just do what he has always been doing everytime this repetitive shit happens. but it doesn't work the same as before. Why?
He knew he shouldn't have gave too much of himself. and now he doesn't know how to take it back.
he despises himself for it. But how can he? How can he when It was you that bought numerous sickening sweet, fun, bearable memories into his life? You made the colorless surrounding of him filled with vibrant colors. You made him complete. You made him extremely happy for his own liking.
And he can only treasure it by the means of thanking you, but it will also mean he will have to suffer with it also.
...
He hates that you still live rent-free in his head, hates that it is you that's in his mind rather than any useful things that one should always think about, hates that he can't think of anything else other than youโ hates how hard it is to forget about... someone you care so deeply about. Someone that held a special place in his cold heart.
Just...
How can every song remind him of you? How can every phrase remind him of you? How can every object remind him of you? How can... Everything in this cruel world remind him of you? It's always been you.
"Forget about them!" That's what people say. It wasn't easy. How can someone find that so easy? How can HE find it easy?
Well... how can he?
How can he when he passes by the scenery you love to watch? The same scenery that you brought him to when he was feeling down?
How can he when every little small things reminds him of you? Trinkets, flowers, numbers, fruitsโ just anything at this point.
How can he, when his heart clenches after seeing a person having almost the same features as you?
How can he, when every place feels smaller without you in it? The same places that you both frequently pass by?
So, it did deeply wounded him. More than he cared to admit.
He's just out there, having trouble trying to rebuild the wall you destroyed. The very wall that he built so proudly, vowing that no one would break it ever again.
And you're also out there, not knowing what he's going through or maybe... You actually do, you just don't seem to care enough.
Loser!Modern!scara who goes out, having no little care about the same raggedy clothes his been wearing since yesterday while people would just stare at him dumbfounded cause who would go out looking all homeless and basically looking like he just raised from a grave.
Loser!Modern!scara who has multiple posters on his wall and a guitar that he doesn't even touch. He just finds it cool and thinks it makes him look cool.
Loser!Modern!scara who would brush off the people that tried to befriend him. Claiming that they are annoying and a waste of time, leading to people disliking him.
Loser!Modern!scara who stays up all night in his room playing video games with his door locked just in case if his mother barged in to start barking at him to get some proper sleep so he would stop sleeping in class.
Loser!Modern!scara who rarely steps a foot out of his room but when he does he would immediately go back with food in his hands.
Loser!Modern!scara who always wakes up by the sound of his mother yelling at him to get up and start getting ready for school.
Loser!Modern!scara who always falls asleep in class and yet still gets high grades.
Loser!Modern!scara who finds his seatmate, you, annoying because of how much of a goodie tissue you are and how you would practically do anything to wake him up if he falls asleep in class again.
Loser!Modern!scara who now finds energy drinks on his table with a note saying "please take care of yourself :)"
Loser!Modern!scara who usually throw the energy drinks he gets in the trash but now, reluctantly drinks it while you watch with a wide smile on your face. It's not because he did for you, it's because there's a upcoming midterm exam.
Loser!Modern!scara who rolls his eyes by the attempt of you, constantly pestering him so he wouldn't fall asleep in class. (It worked)
Loser!Modern!scara who now decided to skip playing games all night long and instead slept like a baby in his bed. (Totally not because you kept lecturing him about it.)
Loser!Modern!scara who went to school feeling less tired than usual.
Loser!Modern!scara who raised a brow at you when you asked for his number before he lets out a low chuckle and a smug grin. "you want it? you like me or something?"
Loser!Modern!scara who now regrets the decision of giving you his number because of the dozens messages you sent when he's on his way home.
Loser!Modern!scara who once saw you as a good for nothing idiot now changed into something that has decent taste when you mentioned you play the same games he plays.
Loser!Modern!scara who finds himself smiling and letting out a laugh after hopping on call with you to play games.
Loser!Modern!scara who teases and makes fun of you because of how bad your gameplay is.
Loser!Modern!scara who now starts to strike up conversation with you, because he might "fall asleep" in class.
Loser!modern!scara who lower his gaze down submissively, and willingly when you check on his mental health.
Loser!Modern!scara who pays attention to your rants and thoughts. He just finds it amusing on how you can go on and on talking about something inconvenient.
Loser!Modern!scara who caught himself lost in your smile.
Loser!Modern!scara who just now notices how ethereal you look and how tolerable your presence is.
Loser!Modern!scara who begins to admire your features from afar, talking with nuisances who seems to have also taken a interest in you.
Loser!Modern!scara who let's out an annoyed, exaggerating groan when you ask him to take pictures of you but secretly enjoys it.
Loser!Modern!scara who guides you through the crowded cafeteria because he doesn't want you to somehow trip or get squeeze till you can't breathe. (but it's also because he likes being beside you.)
Loser!Modern!scara who has his phone on dnd but constantly checks his notification, hoping that maybe one of them is from you.
Loser!Modern!scara who helps you improve your rankings in games that you are bad at because he "pity" you.
Loser!Modern!scara who doesn't leave your side 24/7, following you around like a dog that's sincerely loyal to it's owner. What? He's bored, can you blame him?
Loser!Modern!scara who scares away a group of people that talks shit about you. It's none of his business, really, it's just annoying when people mentions you in their conversations.
Loser!Modern!scara who got in trouble for beating a student up because he heard IT insulting and making nasty rumors about you.
Loser!Modern!scara who bought you a certain something that you like. Expensive? Hell yeah, but remembering on how your face lit up and how you suddenly jump into his arms for a hug was worth it.
Loser!Modern!scara who flinches and blushes when your fingers brushes against his. He's not used to it! It's a normal reaction!
Loser!Modern!scara who tries to act cool around you but automatically freezes and sometimes stumbles back, falling on the ground when you try to link arms with him or initiate physical touch.
Loser!Modern!scara who's now the one that's sending you dozens of messages.
Loser!Modern!scara who finds himself catching feelings for you the more you both hang out and talk!
Loser!Modern!scara who starts fixing his hygiene because you mentioned that what you like in a man is having a good, proper hygiene.
Loser!Modern!scara who makes effort in looking presentable when you asked him to hang out with you.
Loser!Modern!scara who immediately tenses up when you held his hand for the first time while you led him to a cat cafe.
Loser!Modern!scara who clenches his teeth when you pull him in a photo booth when he infact said he didn't want to. (He wanted to)
Loser!Modern!scara who hands you his hoodie on the way home because you were shivering. He couldn't let you freeze to death! It's common decency!
Loser!Modern!scara who came home, trying to hide the smile on his face while already marching his way into his room so he could pin the printed photos on his wall, staring at it for who knows how long.
