another 4th, 6:00PM EST. a wednesday. the date should not be that significant anymore, but...it is. to the me that wailed like my heart was being torn open on June 4th and many days after, it is.
everything i say about this started to feel like a broken record even just to myself. so right now... there's not much to give besides just my feelings.
my heart thumped in my throat as i stared at the short message.
the day's almost over. i don't even celebrate my birthday, not really. ugh... why did i type that...
releasing a low sigh, i put my shaking fingers on my thighs and gripped the worn surface of my pants. maybe she won't notice...? it doesn't matter that the message is pinned at the top of the chat because i made a donation, i always make a donation, but maybe this time she won't notice despite that, she's busy, she's not even reading the chat right now-- oh wait no she's reading it.
she noticed.
"hey _ _ _ _, thank you for the donation as always! let's see... 'it's my birthday today!' oh my gosh!" mikimiki's avatar jumped in place and waved her hands cheerfully. "that's so cool! happy, happy, happy birthday, _ _ _ _! i hope today's been treating you well! oh, and remember to not eat too much cake, okay? it's not good for you!" she giggled.
"cake?" i mumbled back, absorbing every word.
"sometimes it's okay to indulge when it's a special occassion, but too much will just give you a stomachache." she continued. "it's your day, you deserve to do whatever makes you happy and healthy! anyway, thank you so much for being here with us today! i hope you enjoy the stream!"
i continued watching. i had a good time as always, and after it was done... somehow, before i knew it, i ended up making a late evening trip to the convenience store. i guess mikimiki's words gave me the motivation... thinking about it, that's probably why i even sent that message in the first place. she can always make me feel better, about everything.
and besides... this is a good opportunity. i don't really remember the last time i had any cake, honestly. maybe once, when i was very young, but that seems so long ago. more of a reason to get it now... i don't really feel like eating, but sometimes it's okay to indulge, right? right.
i closed the front door of my apartment and leaned back on it with a sigh, before making my way to the small living space and putting my bag on the table. inside it was a small slice of chocolate cake packaged in clear plastic. that's not the right kind of birthday cake, i think... but it was cheap. it was on clearance too... lucky. maybe nothing bad will happen...
i made myself comfortable on the floor before opening the container and breaking the silence with a melodic whisper. just in my own voice. i don't feel like doing anyone else's right now.
"happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
"happy birthday, dear masa..." i trailed off, for a few moments only listening to the ambient sound of the room.
it was so quiet. empty. mikimiki's cheerful well-wishes were long gone. there was only me, singing to myself. the silence echoed, the walls of the room swaying like they were itching to close in on me and swallow me whole. suddenly, i felt so painfully, crushingly alone it took my breath away. what...am i doing? this is pointless...
with that thought, a familiar pit opened up in my chest. my shoulders sagged, with the leaden weight of my existence bearing down on them. on my lungs too.
i pitched my body forward, until i laid the side of my head to rest on the small table, breathing slow and shallow.
right... that's why i don't like thinking about my birthday. or... thinking about my life in general. i get like this, heavy and numb, and i spend all day in my futon staring at the ceiling. sometimes i see i missed a stream, and i feel even worse too. there's no point to that.
when i don't think, i can live normally. i sleep, read, play games, look for work, eat when i remember to... and i watch mikimiki's streams. i donate to her, and when she thanks me i feel something like happiness. that's what matters most. that's how i'd like to pass my days. it's nice.
but this isn't. inhale... exhale... i know what to expect by now. and i don't think i'll manage to get up again today. i didn't have much to do either way, but my heart still churned with added frustration.
with some effort, i brought my stiff limbs up, rearranging them under my head. the cake sat untouched right in front of me. i will eat it later, probably... but seeing it reminded me i needed to finish the song. i felt too tired to even mouth the words soundlessly, so i just thought them in my head and closed my eyes.
everything's so much easier when i'm asleep. it's peaceful. sometimes... i wish i could sleep forever.
It's Wada's birthday and I completely forgot about it until I saw a post earlier today. I'm a fake Wada fan. A fraud. I'm so sorry Wada I love you I swear.
I didn't get anything specifically drawn for his birthday, but I do technically have something Wada related to share for his birthday...
It's been a literal month and you're still grieving? Do you have any other favorite characters besides him
hi there. i'm not sure what this is referring to as i haven't made any grief posts this month lol. though the drawing probably counts...
it's a bit funny to me that i got an ask like this right now, and not much earlier last year. how do i say this... it has almost been literal 8 months and i'm still grieving. somewhat. it's different now.
Going into this project i already knew Wada had two different designs through pink, and I don't mind making alt galleries when needed, but then i also learned that they're trans and the fact that this was never explored in the story and Von had the audacity to kill her off after surviving the whole ass killing game without ever being able to figure herself really pissed me off. So i decided to swap the alternative clothes by making pre and post-transition galleries, in this case, i basically mashed both of Wada's masc designs into one thing.
Wada has 63 sprites, 126 counting both galleries, and as always, these are free to use for whatever and i very much encourage it as long as it's not NSFW content or fed to AI.
All sprites can also be accessed through this masterfolder, which aside from the sprites has a collection of doodles I've been sharing on a friend's discord as i complete these and a bunch of Wip images.
discoholicmusic
germansingergirl
gummygunk
areudirty
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
dailybridgerton
romaincrisis
izzy806
