here lies my being.

  pat | twenty dear universe mementos letters lists art dearest

[auguselcouth]

february 13, 2021

tenerife sea - ed sheeran; 1:26 am

i don’t know why i keep on writing to you—someone i hope to exist, and someone i don’t know, but will willingly love forever. 

i kinda hate it na bigla kitang naisip, lalo na nung nagplay yung tenerife sea

parang gusto ko iiyak lahat ng mga sigaw at tanong ko sa universe, na totoo ka ba kaya? na meron ba talagang para sa’kin at mahahanap ko ba talaga yun? na matututo ba talaga akong magmahal at mahalin *romantically* in this lifetime :( 

feel ko miss na miss lang kita ngayon, as in ngayon lang nung pinakinggan ko ung tenerife sea, at bigla kong gusto iiyak lahat ng frustrations ko sa mundo kasi ang unfair!!  bat di pa rin kita nakikilala? na hanggang kailan ba ako maghihintay? ilang maling tao pa yung kailangan kung kilalanin para makilala kita? hanggang kailan pa? ilang taon pa ba akong mag-iisa?

ilang taon ko pa bang kailangan sanayin ang sarili ko sa pag-iisa? 

gusto ko nang umuwi sa’yo, mahal. 

gusto ko lang naman ng kayakap sa mga gabi, gusto ko ng pahinga, gusto ko rin ng makakasama sa lahat, gusto ko na ring maranasan lahat ng depinisyon ng pag-ibig. 

gustong-gusto ko nang makauwi sa piling mo. 

pero wala, malas talaga ata ako, hanggang iyak na lang sa lahat ng mga tanong na di ko pa alam ang sagot

di pa naman ako sumusuko sayo, pero medyo nahihirapan na talaga ako 

masaya naman akong sanay na ako sa pag-iisa, na nakikita ko yung sarili ko na buo at ‘di kailangan ng iba, pero may mga gabi kasi talagang mapapatanong ka na lang kung anong mali sa’kin? na bakit parang sa iba ang dali-dali lang ng pag-ibig, pero sa’kin, hindi? na ano ba talagang pagkukulang at bakit hanggang ngayon wala pa rin? na magkakaroon ba talaga? 

nakakatakot lang talaga na medyo may ilang beses na kitang hinanap sa ibang tao, kaya di ko na rin alam kung ilang maling tao pa ang kailangan kong pagdaanan para lang mapunta sayo. 

kumusta ka na, mahal? ok ka lang kaya? may jowa ka ba ngayon? tas stressed ka ba bukas dahil valentine’s tas hindi mo alam ibibigay mo sa kanya? sobrang miss na miss na kita, pero natutuwa din ako na hindi na nakabase ang buong buhay ko sayo, na masaya ako sa kung anong meron ako ngayon, na alam kong maganda ako, sapat, magaling, at kumpleto

valentine’s lang talaga bukas kaya namiss lang kita bigla, pero sana okay ka lang talaga ngayon, mahal na mahal kita, at patuloy akong hihintayin ka. 

sana mahintay mo rin ako. 

[auguselcouth]

february 4, 2021

love like this - ben rector; 10:53 pm 

since i’ve been gushing over vern enciso and ben lim’s wedding, vern inspired me to create a list of all the things i wish for for the guy that i’ll marry someday:

(although no pressure, future pat! i know how happy you are right now by yourself, and with yourself :), if he comes, then good for you!, if not, okay lang yan! :) )

someone i can trust completely

makes me believe that there is still good in this world

unapathetic with the current issues in the world

selfless 

passionate

family-oriented!! gusto maraming anak (only if afford namen) 

magaling humawak ng pera, not necessarily stingy; practical but likes to enjoy spending money rin when we deserve it 

walang bisyo 

makes me fall in love everyday

will slow dance with me until we’re old and gray 

yung mamahalin ako kahit matanda na kami

mararamdaman ng kids namin na mahal namin isa’t isa 

my family will love him 

someone who loves his mom 

inspires me to be the best version of myself! (and hopefully i’ll inspire him too)

will take care of me kahit na di ko sabihin and iparamdam na kailangan ko ng tulong (wews acts of service am i right) 

di kami mag-aaway sa harap ng mga bata, di ako pag bubuhatan ng kamay 

loves himym!! HAHAHA or basta love ang sitcoms 

loves dogs!!

will make me feel like i’m beautiful everyday

likes to cook!

i wouldn’t need to remind him to do his chores because he has initiative

someone that’ll treat me as his equal and partner!! (none of that patriarchal bullshit) 

we wouldn’t sleep until we make up whenever we have fights 

makes me feel at peace and content always 

will appreciate all the things i do for him (may it be grand or little gestures

a romantic

worthy pagbigyan ng curated spotify playlist ko hehe

okay hanggang dito na lang talaga muna <3 

Last update: February 4, 2021; 11:12 pm 

[auguselcouth]

february 4, 2021

is this the love that i need? - flu; 10:35 pm

january recap first!!!

january was a breeze, days before di ko talaga alam kung mabagal ba jan or mabilis pero ngayon feel ko ambilis nga haha. i loved how happy i was on the last week of the first month of the year, i spent the week with my friends, family, galas, good food, and lastly, a spontaneous family trip. nasunog mukha ko dahil sa init sa tagaytay pero it’s ok, at least magpapaderma na me hopefully soon! and i don’t wanna stress so much about my appearance na rin masyado.

ang weird kasi parang ung last week of jan ung first official week ko na walang acads at all, pero pagod na ako agad sa free time HAHA anlala. ewan ko ang weird pa rin sa pakiramdam na wala akong need gawin, kaya minsan di ko rin alam kailangan kong gawin for the whole day HAHAH. working out has been the highlight of my days lang, and i’m about to finish editing my first re-attempt to vlog again!! idk what will happen pero i enjoy what i’m doing naman, and i’m proud of my work and editing skills, i just hate it when i put too much time/ pressure on myself to excel agad, and baka i’m just doing this all for validation

i’m gonna start studying about notion soon and sana maging part ako ng rvs-vsb huhu i wanna cry i want it so bad :<, not only because of the prio, but mainly to have my clique and close friends in cba!! :< sana kayanin ko pls!! manifesting. 

anyways that’s my only goal for this one month break! to put out videos, study notion, be a part of the rvc, and workout. feeling hopeful tbh. 

[auguselcouth]

january 23, 2020

heart attack - one direction; 12:29 am 

((yes nasa 1d phase na naman ata ako!! HAHAHA))

surprisingly, medyo inaantok na ako at this time kahit na technically ang aga pa!! bat feel ko late na kjssjhj 

andito na naman ako sa phase ng buhay ko na sobrang gutom lagi :(( feel ko talaga sa hormones to during my period!! huhuhu i wanna eat a lot talaga, may donuts pa ako tas may chips na ina-eye since last week and i can;t eat them since i’m still on IF!!! HUHU idk when will i end it!! :(( siguro pagbalik na ng campus pero tbh i am so sick of it na :(( i think i’m going thru another quarantine fatigue huhu i am starting to get sad and sick of everything again hay ganto ba talaga pag wala akong ginagawa/ i’m not working towards something hdkjsjks 

anyways, 

it’s the time of the sem again na grades are out and honestly i don’t wanna revel in it!!! alam ko na pinagtrabahuhan ko lahat this sem, beyond my capabilities pa minsan, pero ayun, hirap lang pag madami kang nakikita sa main twt na nagtutweet ng grades nila, di ko alam bat sobrang obsess ako sa grades ko lagi it isn’t good for me!!!! alam ko masaya naman ako basta mameet ko yung goal kong either us/cs consistently every sem, and everyone deserves grades that they work hard for :(( ang sakit lang na unfair talaga minsan and baka i expect a lot from myself and my profs!! pero story’s not fucking over!! until it’s over!! ayoko na muna tignan and compute overall gwa ko until it’s done, and wish ko lang talaga siguro maka-magna!! pero okay lang naman kung hindi!! 

it will pass, it will pass, it will pass. 

you shouldn’t revel in it so much since it still isn’t the end!!

i have to repeat myself these kasi this isn’t the end pa naman!! i have a lot of sems pa na makakapagbawi and will dictate my faith, for now i know na in myself i always give the best in everything that i do (well minsan it’s sickening na i have to give my best!! i need to learn to pace myself din) pero yun!! this will pass and days will pass din!! tas laban uli!! all i need to do now is rest well and prepare for the next sem :( the last sem hopefully na remote-learning setup 

it feels nice din to write this out kasi it gaves me some space in my mind also!!!PUTANGINA LANG TALAGA NI Z/AR//CO KASI I EXPECTED KAHIT 1/1.25 lang!!!! pero ayun deep inside :(( alam kong mababa lang din talaga makukuha ko :(( like a part of me thinks na medyo mababa ako kasi kahit na maganda ung grp namin :( shitty lang talaga si zarco as a prof

dapat talaga di na lang tayo nag eexpect at all :( tinabraho ko pa naman maging class beadle hay putangina talaga sad reax, pero ok lang makakamove on din ako!! sts na lang hay no expectations na!! pero sana highest gwa this sem huhuhu *fingers crossed* 

ayun :((( i’ll give it a week talaga!! lalo na ung frustrations ko over profs, di naman yun worth it, and di naman talaga me sobrang naiinggit sa mga clout-worthy grades!! kasi i know what i did was enough :(( nakakainis lang talaga ung profs na parang di nila nakita yun and kahit unting compassion lang to curve wala para sa kanila hay sad!! i learned na better if no expectations talaga masyado, pero don’t forget to laban pa rin lalo na pag alam kong worthy naman ung efforts na binigay ko ng higher na grades!!

congratulations for finishing the sem!! first sem in BA!! i love you and proud of you!! fact pa lang na you’re out of LOA na tas striving for your highest GWA so far is an achievement in itself!!! i love you and thank you so much!! it’s okay to be sad over the little things, pero u should note na more on comparison talaga yun from other’s progress and struggles, you don’t always have to be the highest all the time!! and these wouldn’t matter so much!! just do what you can and enjoy everything more!! technically it’s still my 3rd sem and i have a lot of sems to go pa!! dami pa time to eventually bawi (hopefully with less pressure!!) 

i love you, and i’m proud of you always!

[auguselcouth]

january 20, 2021

i don’t wanna be okay without you - charlie burg; 12:22 am

siguro deliks talaga ako at this hr ksjkadjj sobrang nagpapalamon ako sa loneliness :(( i hate it nga pero hay, idk what to feel anymore, bakit feeling ko araw-araw na lang akong longing?? lalo na paggabi djksdjd more on paggabi lang naman!!! 

i also wanna start my youtube channel na rin and focus more on singing?? like as a way of release talaga ng sadness? and creative outlet din!! ineenjoy ko lang pagiging tamad this week tbh lskkjskdj pero at least good na magkikita na kami ni jean!! naeexcite na ako pero kinakabahan din kasi ewan dami siguro naming need pag usapan!! ayoko lang idread sighHHH lkskdjsj ayun lang naman 

jowang-jowa na naman ako!! haha mga ilang taon pa ba huh!! putangina talaga jskjadh hay pero yun sad di ko alam pagod na ako sa mga patterns ng mga lalaki!!! sjkdjjd why does it have to come so hard pag ako :(( why is dating so hard for me? why do i somehow always pick the wrong guys!!! GRRR hay jskajdkjdkj i know i look and feel good na!! pero di talaga mawawala sa sarili ko na palaging tatanungin kung may kulang ba sakin :( ano bang kulang sakin :(( and bakit ko to kinukwestyun dahil sa mga lalaking di naman worthy in the first place ijshjdh EWW PAT 

pero yun regaining na talaga na i’m fine being alone, it gets TOO lonely lang talaga minsan :( lalo na at night when i want some landi and want someone to talk to, i need to get to my bad bitch attitude na talaga always dnmkjjcjhhd i hate reveling in loneliness so much, kaya gustong-gusto kong ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na “kapag may itinuro sa ’yo ang pag-iisa, yakapin mo.” 

ang panget lang talaga siguro ng dating life na naabutan ko hay again why do i have to live in this age? :(( feeling ko sobrang malas ko talaga, and what did i do in my past life to live in this period? HAY 

will watch modern fam na nga uli AAAAAAAAAA it makes me laugh so much kahit na hate ko pagtrato nila kay alex :(( alex talaga bext character for me!! she deserves so much more pls :( will always root for the underdog ig!!

[auguselcouth]

january 12, 2021

watching riley rehl’s “traveling across the country to visit a boy” vlog and kjdjksjs as much as i want to genuinely say na #noboys2021 pero AAAAAAAAA whenever i watch vlogs like these or see posts on fb, ganyan :((( napapatanong na lang ako na “what’s wrong with me?” or “pangit ba talaga ako?” ayun nasasad lang ako tbh, kaya feeling ko rin kaya ako workaholic so that i won’t feel too lonely jjdklsdk anyways enough with the sadness kjsjjkdj hay sobrang gutom na me at 1:22 am!!!! pero syempre diet mode pa rin kasi i have goals before my bday 

really tired from that workout, and mental gymnastics ng ba 181!! so i won’t write too long na, and feed my sad thoughts!! kasi most of the time i know na it’s just my brain hating me, period hormones, or both. 

sobrang saya ko kanina na ako ung highest!! from the exam i took for 9 hrs!!! and sure nang uno ung ba 115 huhuhu msksd pero after nun, napatanong na naman ako bigla na para san ba tong ginagawa ko?? para san ba to lahat?? HAHAHAHAHAHAH ksdksdj na why do i aim for high grades always?? na bakit gusto ko mag magna? na kanino ko ba talaga prinoproove sarili ko?? na palagi bang dapat may purpose lahat ng bagay? or okay lang naman na wala and just do the things i do because i genuinely like doing them?? 

in addition (HAHAHA kaka-essay ko na ata to), hanggang kailan ko kaya sasanayin ang sarili kong maging mapag-isa, hanggang kailan ko kaya lulunurin sarili ko sa trabaho para ‘di ko maramdaman na may kulang sakin? 

alam ko naman talaga na walang kulang, na nalulungkot lang ako, at alam ko rin na kailangan ko pang pangalagaan at pagdaanan ang pag-iisa kasi sobrang dami kong matututunan at natututunan!! and actually i’m all for it -- being genuinely independent. di ko lang talaga alam kung hanggang kailan?? na makakahanap kaya ako ng taong magmamahal sakin ng way na deserve ko? :(( na meron din kayang nakalaan para sakin?? na matututo din kaya akong magmahal? :(( 

haha i really want to cry, not because i’m sad, but because the answer to these questions might not be the things i hope for, and that will break my heart.

siguro di genuine ung #noboys2021 ko, pero one thing’s for sure tho-- is that no boys muna uli na legit, until what we both want is real :(( and imposible pa talaga to have that in this environment, so another full year of being alone and learning and growing!!! i genuinely just want to know if there’s someone that exist, only for me. sabi kasi ni tin nun, feel niya raw real ung destiny, eh ako i think i don’t believe in that na, and what i believe in is that you should be committed in making things work :))), growing together, and just overall making each other the best version of themselves. I really hope to have that, someday. 

anyways some milestones na i want to remember this week (which is genuinely bakit dapat ako nagsusulat ngayon jsdksjd pero naging rant fest na lang hahahah) 

1. overworked myself last week,which paid off -- twio mistakes lang sa ba 115 and di ako nadeduct for my late submissions sa work!! i think madami pa dapat akong need ayusin uli by the next po :(( sana bigyan pa ako uli pls!!

2. spontaneous roadtrip with elem friends!! roundtrip sa tagaytay nung bday ni james!! 

one for the books tbh, feel ko kung nakakausap ko lang din sila ng maayos, mas masaya ako kasi ganun talaga akong tao, like i feed off from genuinely talking from people, ung mga deep talks, ganyan!! pero i think i also learned na rin na elem friends are not those kind of people lang, 

3. wala na ako nafifeel for him at all!! na feel ko nasa pt na kami nang friendship where we can both laugh abt it na lang hehe as in gusto ko na shang tanungin bat di nya ako jinowa smh HAHAHA 

4. wala na rin akong nafifeel kay francis HAHAHAHHAHA ew @ me bat di ka makamove on don!! di naman sobrang pogi!! paasa pa, maganda ka pls period!!

5. less screen time in social media!!! after talaga ng sem na to bye everyone muna, magrerevel lang ako in cooking, baking, cross-stitching, music, and hopefully vlogging and editing!!

6. was able to do a new channel for youtube!! kaya kaya 1k subs by the end of the year? ;)) 

anyways thank u for listening to my ramblings!! i am so tired, i think i need to sleep na talaga kjdklsj and fix my sleeping time ++ finish my last requirement by tom!! good night, i love u!! 

p.s.: always know your why, but do not force all things to have a purpose!! 

[auguselcouth]

january 3,2021

 patience - bad suns; 11:33 pm 

I'm approaching a breakthrough I'm happy now I've been wrapped up in different lies I've been wrapped up, I've been untied

watched 3 episodes of modern family and every ep just warms my heart every time, sobrang ganda ng relationship ng family nila and i think that’s actually achievable, and i want that for my future family!! not excited to go through that pa because that will still take a lot of years and growing to do, but i know that i’m willing to work hard for a beautiful family - i’m always hopeful about it

bakit nafifeel ko lately na yung soulmate ko ay hindi filipino?? like hindi siya taga-dito? na i know deep down i won’t find him here. na i have a lot of years ahead of me and I shouldn’t be scared to move away to an entirely different country, feel ko kaya ko naman, and i actually need it. 

it is scary, but actually now that i’m healthier, feel ko talaga i’m meant to live in different places din, i want to meet new people and experience different things, and experience a whole new life. Idk but watching that australia ep of modern family just hits different. feel ko talaga i am meant to live there. i just want to leave and plant my roots somewhere, i wanna explore the fucking world!!

also retreating to this blog whenever i feel like i’m annoying even on my own rant account - i know it’s probably my brain hating me pero ayun feel ko rin naman na better din yun so i can always look back here and read and reminisce :)) realized kasi na i just put my thoughts in twitter and never revel in them?? i don;t look at archives that much and ayun ‘di siya ganun ka-helpful since i’m a pretty sentimental person 

I've been writing my thoughts down To clear my mind To try and figure out my brain To confront and set aside my pain

feel ko di ko ibibigay yung account na to ever to anyone? pero ang nice na the world actually sees this, and probably non of my loved ones will,  pero ang comforting pa rin na i’m still an open book to strangers hehe

feel ko extrovert talaga ako na in a sense na nanghihina na ako for months of not meeting new people, and genuinely get to know them. i enjoy my own company too and sometimes get overwhelmed when i’m surrounded by too much people - feeling na nasusuck out yung energy ko, pero i regain it naman agad overtime, kaya di ko alam kung introvert ba ako or extrovert xDD 

ayun lang, it’s super nice to write your thoughts down, and i realized recently na i have a lot of outlets for that, i have my ig and twt rant account, tas i have this for myself. old pat would try hard to keep it all in one place, but current me actually loves that i can leave pieces of myself in different places hehe and i that i can always go back at every single one of them, at different times of day, whenever i need and want to, 

my big question lang rn is kung maglalaw pa ba ako?? feel ko parang hindi na, feel ko magfofocus na ako sa business and continue studying in the field to propel my career and hopefully move abroad, and start my life here. that’s what i want to do at the moment, a good thing being single tho is feeling ko sobrang free ako sa future plans, like walang nag aabang sakin and walang pabigat sa dreams ko. feel ko kasi rn all i want to be is selfish and prioritize myself, feel ko napagod na ako sa family ko na ako palagi nagpapalaya, at na ako palaging nag aadjust. alam ko never nang magbabago perception nila sakin non, kaya i owe it to myself na ako naman uunahin ko, i know it might be a bad thing pero i’ll work on it naman to set boundaries 

achievement din na first month of the year pa lang and i have new entries na!! what hehehe love that for me 

love u, pat! i can’t wait for more realizations, and you learning about yourself and what you want to do in the future :) 

[auguselcouth]

january 1, 2021

new year’s day - taylor swift; 4:08 pm 

what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was able to make it out alive!!! bye 2020!!! you will not be missed indeed kahit feel ko andami mo rin namang binigay sakin 

lists of all the things 2020 gave me (list na lang since tinatamad ako mag paragraph and explain, just so I can remember) 

1. started seeking help for my mental health!! (a HUGE HUGE STEP)  2. fought battles I only knew 3. trying to overcome anxiety! 4. forgot the last time I had a panic attack  5. worked out consistently for 9 months!! a lifetime more <3 i love u  6. really really LOVED myself this year  7. taught myself that i am capable of being beautiful  8. taught myself bravery and letting people know how i feel about them  9. gained a worthy best friend!! 10. made me realized my real friends (and naunti lang sila) 11. made me realized how much i love my friends, and how i’m willing to work hard for our friendship  12. took a lot of pics wearing underwear HAHAHHA 13. learning how to sext 14. learned i’d rather be alone than waste time on a relationship na walamng patutunguhan/ for fun lang (most of the time HAHAH)  15. having a better relationship with food! hopefully lalo na ngayong 2021  16. gave me maguie!!! <3 <3 <3 the current love of our lives  17. had a good relationship with my mom  18. lost some weight, gained some muscle!! i love love love my arms and thighs and my “abs” (kasi ako lang naninwala na meron ako HAHAH), learned that the number on the scale doesn’t matter to me at all, what’s important is that i stay active (for the sake of my mental health), i am much much happier now, and I feel like i’m constantly getting to the best version of myself <3 all for self-love this 2021!! 19. learned something about relationships, and how i still have a long way to go before meeting the one, really hopeful for him tho   20. breaks are important for me!!  21. know that i am worthy and capable of love, no matter what happens  22. learned how to forgive people even though i didn’t accept an apology  23. learned to love my huge thighs!!

:)) forced myself to write these so i can remember :) i love you the most self, congratulations for surviving that hell of a year!!

anyways, i think yearly tradition ko na ata na i just take it easy at the first day of the year :) and nice din na ganun din si mama and the rest of the family (pero si daddy nasa labas lang HAHAHA) kaya no pressure to move around and work work work kasi nga di masyado nag uutos si mama, and i have a lot of time to reflect about the past year, and revel in my hopes for this year

medyo happy naman ako, although sad lang na alam kong wala masyadong huge moments to look forward to, kahit qc moments to look forward to, this 2021, lalo na worsening yung pandemic and all :< i just wish that i don’t get sick so much of all of my routines, thinking about it pa lang na i’ll be stuck at home for a whole year again is medyo off for me, and i know that i will still go through a lot of quarantine fatigue, kaya hopefully, lalo na this break, i hope to find new things to invest myself in

dami kong gustong i-claim this year!! the first quarter of the year is always the hardest for me :< kaya sana this coming 2021 it doesn’t hurt too much, lalo nang sa working out na nakadepend ang happy hormones ko

ayun i really have a lot of hope for this year!!! sana it will give me a lot of gifts!!! and sana walang magkacovid sa family. i don’t wanna expect a lot from it too much, so idk if i’ll still create a bucket list for the year (maybe later), pero one thing’s for sure tho. 

i hope na december 31, 2021 pat will feel happy and fulfilled, like how december 30, 2020 pat felt, or hopefully more. 

i love you, lovely. here’s to loving you more, this 2021! <3 

[auguselcouth]

december 25, 2020

christmas tree farm - taylor swift, 9:58 pm 

“Merry Christmas, i guess?’ kdjsdjkdj that has been my mood the whole day, this might be the weirdest christmas i’ve experienced?? siguro saktong saya lang, busog and etc. i feel indifferent tbh kjdjfjjfkj pero at least may napamaskuhan me heheh, tbh para lang siyang regular day 

ang sama nito pero madalas sa days na ganto, mas gusto kong nasa labas si daddy, tas uuwi na lang sha pag lasing siya. nasisira niya kasi talaga lahat :( feel ko talaga i’m at my happiest pag kasama ko si mama kumain, tas nag uusap lang kami, kahit kaming tatlo :( si daddy kasi ang sama talaga ng ugali, sobrang pa-importante - kahit pag kumakain ka, pag may utos siya, dapat sundin mo agad. Unfair lang talaga siya, and that’s what i hate the most.

Feel ko kaya isa sa main reason ko kaya bat gusto ko magsolo lalo na agad pagkagrad is because of him :( ayoko na magstay sa bahay na to because of him. I wouldn’t take it against my mom also if she cheats/ doesn’t want to give care to him kasi sobrang sama talaga ng ugali niya :( 

sorry pero the only thing that’s good about him is his money :( wala talaga akong maisip na iba :( i think i’m getting better at managing anxiety rn, and napatawad ko na sha at some issues (for the betterment of my mental health na rin, ayoko nang magalit palagi) kaya yun, i hate that he really ruins everything :( one moment masaya kami tas bigla na lang siyang sisigaw, di ko rin alam bat sha kinakaya ni mama, for 21 years, di nga nambubugbog si daddy pero grabe ung emotional damage and trauma na binibigay niya kay mama

kaya feel ko i will remain single until i find someone na hindi magiging katulad ni daddy, lalo na someday. i really want true love, not convenience. kaya siguro tutuparin ko muna lahat ng gusto ko sa buhay, hindi ko na lang muna gagawing goal ang pag-ibig kasi pagod na ako atm. alam ko malungkot, and madami pa akong years na malulungkot dahil sa pag-iisa, pero palagi kong panghahawakan yung isang ep sa GSP na: 

“kapag may tinuro sa ‘yo ang pag-iisa, yakapin mo.” 

kaya ayun, firm talaga ako na di ako magsesettle sa kind ng love na mayroon parents ko ngayon :’( i want more than that, gusto ko na someday yung mga anak ko maiinsipire sa love story namin, na we’ll hold each other until we’re old, na he’ll slow dance with me in the kitchen kahit matanda na kami, na maiinspire anak namin sa love namin sa isa’t-isa - settled sila na di kami maghihiwalay, na di kami mag aaway sa harap nila :( ewan, i really want something real and a love that’s lasting, for my lifetime. di kami magsasawa sa isa’t isa. haay 

possible kaya yun, universe? 

sagot ka naman minsan. sana. 

okay lang talaga maghintay sakin, kahit gano katagal pa yan, basta para sa kanya. miss na miss na kita, sana ok ka ngayon. love u, can’t wait to spend hundreds of christmases with u 

i miss u, my love. 

[auguselcouth]

december 22, 2020 - 9:49 pm

off she goes by the bad suns 

Where, where do you go When the light leaves your eyes? And you're just out of reach Like a tree-bound kite

Where, where do you go When the tears leave your eyes? When you feel that burn I know words can't describe Where do you go? Remember when you told me? Remember when you told me?

When you can't believe in yourself All you hear is anyone else And if you'd just believe in yourself We can tune out everyone else That's alright Ooh, that's alright Alright

Idk i just wanted to write something tonight and i think my brain is starting to hate me!!! kasi feel ko ang daldal ko talaga and oversharer, na even my friends are sick of me na kcjksj pero i know for tonight lang naman yun heheeh anyways we went to tagaytay today!! dami ko nagastos pero ok lang!! bawi na lang ako sa ff weeks so I can earn money *hopefully* from freelancing, feel ko sobrang lantang gulay lang ako lately and pagod, gusto ko mamahinga as fuck!! as in deact everything, di ko alam kung kailan :(( pero siguro inform ko na lang friends ko na mawawala muna ako at magiging tambay sa reddit and here, try to make covers, build up confidence, love my body and exercise, and overall just prioritize being comfortable in silence, gawin ko muna lahat nang to for a week feel ko sobrang makakatulong!! i want to learn more songs, create covers, write a song?? HAHAHAHA and try painting again!! and practice writing and writing here!! be good at making this my diary hehe 

ok going back, we went to tagaytay today and ayun best part siguro is the road trip, esp. the time we we’re going to solenad and nagvavibe lang sa folklore album :(( while singing along to it, feel ko lahat kami pagod na kaya di mashado nakapag usap, pero that’s really enough for me. vic and i had an exchange gift din which was cute!! huhuhu ang nice, what i know is i platonically love him hehe and sana di na ako mag overthink tangina ayoko na malito sa buhay ko pls 

ayun gusto ko lang ilabas (di ko na rin to makwento kay vic kasi feel ko yung pagka-jowaers ko lagi naman nang topic) na kahit na may jowa both si ange anc vic kanina, and may times na sila lang nakakarelate sa pinag uusapan nila, di na ako bitter at all (unlike before!! kaya SUPER SUPER PROUD OF U, SELF!!), siguro may times na sad lang, pero di na rin ako naiingit na “sana ako rin”, na “next year may kasama na rin kaya ako magceleb ng pasko?”, kasi i know that i did my best to have that this year!! i think ilang beses na nabreak ung heart ko/ nagpakatanga ako sa infatuation, and i want to scream lang sa universe na  “tangina!!!! ginawa ko naman na yung part ko!! kahit paulit-ulit na :(( pero sige bahala ka na, i know i did my part na!! :< 

 if i need to be alone again for a long time, honestly ok lang sakin, i;m learning to master the art of being alone na, and i think i’m in a slightly way way better place than before. I have to learn na being alone shouldn’t feel lonely at all (pero ok lang naman minsan). i know that i’m beautiful!! i am enough, and i am worthy of love, i just need to find the right person (again ksjdjkldjkjd), and honestly bahala na muna, ayoko na muna maghanap, bahala na kung sinong dadating, pahinga na muna ako. 

ayun lang, sobrang happy lang ako kasi?? naiba na yung perception ko sa sarili ko and about love, before kasi, ang lala nang tingin ko sa sarili ko na never akong worthy of it, kasi di naman ako maganda (kasi nga mataba ako), feel ko sipag ko lang mabibigay ko, and tbh boobs HAHAHAH, pero yun, i have so much to offer! i am a catch, matalino ako at masipag!! maganda, mabait, maalagain, malambing, sexy (sige na pagbigyan niyo na ako sjkdkljd) and more pa, and i will be more pa, this is only just the beginning 

kaya ayun, napapatanong na rin ako sa sarili ko kung para san ba yung pagjojowa? na parang badge of honor siya nang lahat ng tao, na para bang lahat ng tao gustong magkaroon? 

napapaisip ako na ano ba dapat purpose ko bat ako umaasam nito, bakit ako naghahabol? pero for me, feel ko ayoko nang magsayang ng oras, date to marry kind of person talaga me, pagod na ako maging option at maging pampalipas oras, kaya siguro sana, yung susunod na seryosohin ko, pareho na kaming isa’t isa yung hinahanap aaaa, naniniwala naman ako na meron sakin, kung ng effort para hanapin, willing to do the work naman, pero lately, parang ayoko na lang muna. time out muna, tsaka na pagkaya na uli ng puso ko kumilala ng bagong tao ((yung tatagal naman sana) 

i don’t want to wear this broken heart like a badge of honor, i don’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, i did my part na :< napagod lang ako :( siguro sana time naman ng universe to do the same. 

[auguselcouth]

it’s 1:37 am and i;m listening to this djjsjfjkajdkjd while searching #wfkbj tags here on tumblr ohmygod i;m so soft :((( i aspire to have a love like this someday!!

honestly di ko alam kailan ako magsasawa kay jung jun-hyung HAHAHAHAHAHHAH 

https://open.spotify.com/track/3XgPo7U4PhQubpDLvwXAit?si=ugB1Va48T6Of47Hc6nYLmw

[auguselcouth]

who will love you when you're that ashamed of yourself

Jung Jun-Hyung (aka my love), Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo

[auguselcouth]

september 21, 2020

unwritten - natasha bedingfield, 12:29 am 

FUCK LITERAL NA UNWRITTEN HAHAHAHAHAHAH kasi!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rambled for abt 30 mins already pero!!! walang napala kasi may nagawa akong katangahan huhuhuhu 

pero ayun, ewan, i;ve been putting off blogging dati pa kasi feel ko never ako magiging consistent :((( which is true!! pero enough with that aaaaa i’m learning and growing and loving parts of myself that I never loved before, i’m exploring this new version of pat that’s willing to go past and beyond what i’ve ever been (kudos to 6 months of consistently working out, it really did wonders for my mental health - which is my top priority after all, i hope I never lose sight of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 

kaya siguro a part of me wanted to erase that first draft (pero i’m still bumbed that it was erased kasi dami nang thoughts GRRRRRRRRRRRR) kasi it was getting sadder, and a part of me siguro didn’t want to leave that sadness here, so ayun, ang daldal ko HAHAHAHA i felt like i talked for 30 mins tas naerase lang, ayun, i;m gonna start wrting again! and treating this as my online diary

inconsistent man or hindi, i;m not the kind of person kasi na tends to write in journals, feel ko sobrang helpful nito - like a way of therapy since these are days that i don’t feel like talking to anyone. 

I realized na I tend to overshare a lot!! to anyone!! and that annoyed the heck out of me, ngayon ko lang narealize na I give myself away too easily, kaya mabilis ako maubos :( and now I want to keep things to myself 

siguro isa sa mga reasons ko kaya i overshare is to have someone like me!! pero now aaaaa bahala na lol, i know i am worthy of love (minsan tOO much knowing HAHA, i;m full of myself smh) and that someone will know me if they genuinely wanted me, so ayun kaya pamysterious na muna 

Feel ko rin kasi yung way nang pagkeep ng things too myself is mainly because feel ko nauubos na ako :( Kaya ang refreshing sa feeling aaaaaa, ewan I feel happy naman, di ko na viniview yung sarili ko na sad and lonely (altho minsan yes), now I feel like i’m really strong and independent  - like iba na yung view ko sa life

Before kasi, I tend to daydream a lot, most esp abt having someone aka a boyfriend!! I remembered asking every new year, as the clock strikes 12, “ngayong year na kaya ako magkakaboyfriend?” and now na DI PA RIN AKO NAGKAKABOYFRIEND dkjkfjkkjdkfjkfj sawa na ako LORD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA magwish nang magwish, maghintay nang maghintay, ipause yung mga gusto kong gawin na ibang bagay kasi i still have no one to share them with

Feel ko talaga I put my life in pause, in some ways, until I get a boyfriend. Thoughts like: “Siguro kung may jowa ako this and that”, “mas masaya siguro ako kung may jowa ako”, “panget ba ako kaya wala akong jowa?” etc etc and I GOT SICK OF THAT!!! that wasn’t healthy. 

I know I am capable and worthy of love, pero for now, self love muna talaga!!! I want to be so good to myself, love myself better, be confident, sexy, admirable, and more!! I want to go beyond my comfort zone, I want to continue uplifting and uplifting myself. 

I really want to love myself until I finally feel at home. 

And for now, that’s what I’m willing to do :). 

I love you, me. More thoughts tomorrow maybe?? acads pat is back again and really motivated for ba 115 :) bawi tayo!! and it’s okay to make mistakes and ask for help HMPPPPPPP 

i’m not going to even proof read this kdjkdjkj proof-reading is a social construct (pero actually, lahat naman jsjjfhkdjj) Spend your time wisely hehe 

Love you, stay safe and healthy! I am so so so proud of you. 

[auguselcouth]

coldplay - orphans

grabeeeee I missed writing, this will be my online diary

I’ll consistently prove to myself na I am getting better and getting stronger everyday. I love you, life’s been hard lately so wag na natin dagdagan pa :((

Let’s continue to be better. I love you, you’re finally okay. 

[auguselcouth]

#3 | self

dearest self, 

Ang tagal na bago ako nakapagsulat sayo ulit, ilang days ko na pinipilit yung sarili ko na magsulat para sa iba and I never really get to doing it. I’ve just watched You’ve Got Mail and Leap Year, so my fuel of writing was really filled. I want to say na I am proud of you, especially what you’ve been through this past month. I love you, and you never fail to surprise me with all the new bravery and capabilities you’re generating. Alam ko uhaw ka na naman ngayon, and i admire you for that, pero please don;t be so hard on yourself. If you want to do something, act on it. I understand na may days na you’ll be sulking or be stagnant, pero ayun you just need rest. You’ll bounce back! Because you just always do. I love you. Wag mo na muna masyado ipressure ang sarili mo sa UP, kung ibibigay ni Lord yan, ibibigay niya yan. :) 

[auguselcouth]

18th

hii ewan ko pero i feel melancholic, and natrigger ako kay anna kasi I saw how active her new tumblr is - naencourage akong buhayin yung akin, hence, this post. Inaabangan ko lang si cea na magonline uli kasi i really miss talking to her, and my heart feels extra tonight - extra nostalgic and basta something - dahil ba ‘to sa pagiging eighteen ko in  just 3 days?  Uy, gusto ko talaga masurprise sa bday ko. Kaso wag na tayo magexpect para ‘di tayo masaktan. I hate myself for wanting more for more than I have. Basta self, let everything flow, just go with it. Bakit nga ba ang laking pressure ng page-eighteen. Hay, but I really wanna feel special and loved. :) 

And i’m still updating myself sa blog ni ate cj, ngayon naman sa blog ni anna. Ang galing nga kasi kahit anong mangyari, pagnagbabasa ako ng blog ni anna, I know na ‘di pa siya nagbabago. If only we reconciled, baka may bestfriend pa me ngayon, kaso wag na hehe masyadong matagal na and tapos na ang period para maayos to? Pero I am happy naman and I hope she’s happy!!! (Hi anna!! if you’ll read this in the future I hope u are happy and well hehe. I treasure u). Ewan ko ba bakit ang hilig-hilig ko magbasa ng blogs ng mga taong nagmomove-on. Siguro dahil sa 18 years ko sa mundo di pa ako nakakaramdam ng saya ng pagiging in love. This week puro tanong lang saakin kung ipapakilala na ba akong boyfriend oh ano. Haayyy :( sorry pls 

[auguselcouth]

#2 | to self

Wag mo nang i-pressure yung sarili mo. Wag ka munang masyadong mag-isip. Alam mo naman yung sagot sa lahat ng problema mo ngayon, kailangan mo lang talaga magpahinga at patawarin ang sarili mo. Kasi si Papa napatawad ka na niya, pero ikaw sobrang hirap mong patawarin ang sarili mo. You are worthy, take your time, explore the world. Never tame your flame. Never let the people dictate your life or the person you want to be. Crucial sa step ng pagmamahal mo ng sarili mo ang pagpapatawad din dito. Wag ka masyado mag-isip, basta go with where God’s love will take you, and please please let Him in again. Alam naman natin na sa kanya tayo kukuha ng strength ‘di ba? And He is waiting for us, again. It is okay kung may again, kasi at least bumabangon ka uli ‘diba. Mahal kita.