to the people and memories these notes are about.

all original notes i’ve written in my iPhone.

[aurevoirbby]

11 November 2025

I read back all the posts on this account today. And wow…how much has changed in the 8+ years since my first writing. I’m not that young woman anymore who was so scared and hurt by the world that she was hiding from everything. I can’t even remember the feelings I felt when writing those posts throughout the years. I’m sad for that girl who was really going through it. I also can’t help but laugh at the love I was begging to be given by people who were not for me. I didn’t see it then, but I definitely see it now and I don’t think anything that was truly meant for me missed me. Like at all.

I’m also so happy because of where it has led me today. I’m now 25 and probably the happiest version of myself…ever? I have found the love of my life who I hope will be in my life forever. We live together, talk about our future together, and we love so deeply and intensely it’s never a question. All of those people who broke my heart in the past don’t even come close to comparison to my amazing love. All the loss I felt still hurts sometimes, but my life is filled with so much now that it hurts less and less. I live in a city where all my friends are walking distance, I have amazing long distance friends I get to travel and see, and my family has grown through in laws and a niece. I have a job that I enjoy and can live comfortably while still enjoying some of the small luxuries of life. I’ve travelled small parts of the world and am confident in myself and my future that there will be plenty more for me to see. I am the young woman I have always dreamed of and it was really bittersweet to read where I once was. I cannot even believe there used to be nights I cried myself to sleep in silence and now I have nights where I get to sleep in my love’s arms.

I’m so happy I am able to read back and remember the moments: good, bad, and ugly. It has made me feel especially grateful for where I am right now. I still get insecure sometimes and I’m not always my best self. I am still a work in progress and there are some days that are hard. But life isn’t perfect and it’s not always pretty, but it is beautiful and I am so thankful for all the life I’ve lived and where I am today.

[aurevoirbby]

15 July 2024

If you asked me in February if I saw myself now I would honestly say no. I never thought I’d get over the boy who made me feel like what I thought was the top of the world but I realized was only the top of the city for 4 months last summer. I convinced myself that we were victims of right person wrong time and that if the world wanted us to be together we would find a way back.

But it’s July now and the facade of that has melted along with the winter snow. I’ve found someone who genuinely is meant for me. And he isn’t anything like the person I once missed. He is everything and more. He makes me feel like the most beautiful and special girl in the world without me asking. He makes me feel like I can do anything and go anywhere and we would make things work because we love each other so much and life isn’t life without each other.

I used to wish for someone who would love me in the ways I dreamed of and I think I found that. He makes me playlists, sends me songs, draws me, cooks for me, makes me laugh, helps me in tough times, and loves me for everything I have to offer. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a love so pure before. I have never felt so much love and fear of losing someone before but I’m so excited and nervous to be so in love with my very best friend.

He is my world and I am his. He is my forever and I am his. I want to be his forever forever. I want to love him forever. Please god let me love him forever and let him love me forever.

[aurevoirbby]

2024 February 14

Maybe I’m thinking of you because today’s Valentine’s Day. Or maybe I actually have had very few days I don’t think of you since the day we met. I’m scared I’ll miss you forever and that you’re not even thinking of me. Is right person wrong time even real? If it was the right person could there ever be a wrong time? I don’t know if it’s better for me to believe or not. Part of me wants to think we were meant to cross paths and maybe we’ll find each other again. Life is so crazy and there had to be a reason we found each other, even if it was just for a little bit. But another part of me thinks if you wanted to you would have. You would have wanted to try, even if we had to do long distance. You would have texted me by now. You would have booked a flight and come to see me and tell me you can’t live without me. And you haven’t and it hurts. But why does it hurt? Was that even an option for us? Was that even a possible book for me to choose from my midnight library? I need to find myself again without thinking of me with you. And I’m trying. I really am. Sometimes I wish I could forget you and other times I hope I never will and that you can never forget me too.

[aurevoirbby]

I know you said you’re leaving soon, but I’m leaving too. And sometimes I wish I was leaving with you.

[aurevoirbby]

2023 September 26

I think I received a broken hearted girl’s dream come true. I am getting ready to go to London for a month. And I’m so excited. I get to see a new country and have a great opportunity that will provide me so much growth and change that I so desperately need right now. It almost feels like the universe took you away from me to give me this. And maybe that’s a sad way to look at it. But for some reason, this is giving me the comfort that maybe what I’ve been asking for isn’t what is meant for me. I wanted us to try. I wanted us to live in bliss until you left. But now I know, if we didn’t end things then, we probably would have ended things now. I’m trying to be so excited for the future that I don’t even have time to reflect on the past, but lately I’ve been waking up and my first thought is you. And I’ve been going out wondering what would happen if we ever ran into each other. And sometimes I even lay in bed and think about how I miss you laying next to me. I miss you cracking my toes and stroking my hair and telling me about those random conspiracies you believe. So I’m glad to get away from here for a little because even though this was never your city, it sure feels like everywhere I go has pieces of you.

[aurevoirbby]

2023 September 7

Has it been hard for you too? Do you wish we met each other sooner and maybe we could have given us a chance? I still get sad because I think we could have done it. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out but at least we tried. At least we had a little longer with each other in our lives. We’re so young. I know it would hurt the same but I don’t think I would have regretted it. I wish you would have rather had something than nothing. Even if it was only for a few more months. I can’t stop thinking of the times we had and thinking how much I’d love it if we made it.

[aurevoirbby]

2023 August 23

I’ve been feeling better. Maybe I could even say I’ve been feeling good. Like myself again. But I felt a tear fall down my cheek and now I’m sad again. When you first told me about this job offer, my friend asked me “If your relationship was a 12/10, would you not give long distance a try?” And my answer was no. My life is here. I’ve done the moving away from home thing in college and I was tired of it. Does it hurt being far from my closest friends? Yes. But it doesn’t hurt as much as finding out a family member died over the phone and having no one around you who understands the feeling or loss. And it doesn’t hurt as much as not being able to be surrounded by the people who bring me genuine peace. And you knew that, I knew that, and maybe we just didn’t want to see the signs. You’re life is there. You care so deeply for your mother who is there, your brother is there, your best friends from childhood are there. And you told me you always wanted to move back. I knew that, you knew that, and maybe we just didn’t want to see the signs. And despite the fact that we both knew our futures didn’t align, we continued seeing each other anyway. And I think I secretly was wishing we could get there. To that 12/10 place. And I was secretly hoping that my mind could be swayed. That maybe I could do it. I mean I’ve moved away before. Maybe I’d be willing to do it again. For you. But we never got there and we never will. And now I have nothing but sadness over the lost possibilities that our future could have been. Because you aren’t willing to try or maybe you’re not willing to go through the guaranteed heartbreak. I don’t know which one hurts me the most. The bottom line is you weren’t willing and I was.

[aurevoirbby]

20 August 2023

I miss you already. And we just ended things today. I thought it would be different this time. I was more on guard. I was trying to not let my worst habits get the best of me. But here we are, and I’m suddenly alone. I know we’re making the best decision for the both of us. If it hurts now, I can’t imagine how much it would hurt at the end of the year when you actually leave. But I’m still sad. And I think I’ll still miss you for a while. I almost wish I could be mad at you. But instead I’m scared I’ll allow myself to romanticize the what ifs. What if you stayed? Would things have been different? Would we have worked out? What if in another universe things do work out for us? And the timing was right? What if I was enough for you to want to try? What if you liked me so much the distance didn’t matter to you? What if you fought for us? Told me that you would do anything to make it work? What if you change your mind? And in a week, maybe two, you realize that being away from me is harder than you thought. That you don't care about the inevitable outcome, you just want us to enjoy the time we have left. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. Because the bottom line is, in this universe, you’re leaving and it’s over. And that’s ok. I know each day I will wake up and it will hurt a little less. But right now, it just really hurts. And I just want to go to sleep and dream about the universe where it worked out for us. And secretly, I hope I could not wake up and live in that dream forever.

[aurevoirbby]

2023 August 8

Here we go again. I have found someone who I think could get me. I mean, I really do think you get me. It’s been about 3 months since I’ve met you and it’s crazy to think how much time has passed. I tried to do things differently this time. Tried to communicate less, not get my hopes up, not read into little things. But somehow, we’ve ended up at the same outcome. I like you. And I think you know. And I would like to believe you like me too. But then there’s life. And maybe I’m just blaming life because the uncertainty of your true feelings is hard for me to face. But you’re moving. Away. From me. And it’s not tomorrow and it’s not next week. But there is a limit to our time together. And that scares me. Because I feel so many things now. What will I feel when it’s time to actually say goodbye? I’m telling myself that the future doesn’t matter. That I’m so young and things feel so good. Why try to break something that isn’t broken yet? Why try to kill something that could live for a few more months? I’m trying. I really am. I hope you feel the same way I do. I hope you want the same things I want. Maybe I even secretly hope you want more than what I’m putting on the table. But in the end I just hope you want one thing. And that’s me.

[aurevoirbby]

Do you ever feel like you are just a pretty face? And I’m not saying this to say I’m pretty. I’m saying this as in: I feel like I have so much to offer, but sometimes I’m only seen as surface value. Dating in your 20s in this generation is so fun and so hard all at the same time. I love going out with new people and the possibility of finding someone to really connect with. But I had an experience recently that made me think, “Do people see me for me?” I was dating this boy for about a month and he really liked me. I know, I should be so flattered. But honestly all I could was “How can be like me so much? Why does he like me so much?” We hung out probably 2-3 times at this point. And I think I’m a fun person, but I’m self aware to know it doesn’t take 2-3 times being around me to fall in love with me. Sometimes I feel like people are interested in dating me while it’s fun, but aren’t interested in dating me when it’s time for things to be more serious. And when they do want to make things more serious, I feel like it’s the people that barely know me, the real me. I guess this is just life and when I find the right person, these questions won’t come up.

[aurevoirbby]

2023 April 6

Wow. It’s almost been 3 years since I’ve written on this and so much has changed. Where should I even begin? I moved to the city. I am close to home and living with my best friend from high school. Many of my best friends are long distance now and we travel anywhere and everywhere. I am taking a trip almost every other month because I truly found my people in college. But I won’t lie, the months immediately after college were dark. Looking back, I probably fell into a really intense post-college depression. I moved home, started a job that was remote due to the pandemic, and was fighting with my parents. I hated everything and anything, including myself sometimes. I became deeply insecure and it was hard to motivate myself to make a change. But moving has really motivated me to turn the page to the next chapter of life. I started dating which is something I feel like I avoided for so long. I was always emotionally unavailable and looking for a fun time. I never was willing to put myself out there and allow myself to experience heartbreak. I got a taste of it and I didn’t want someone to know me like the back of their hand and leave me because that really, like really, broke me for a while. I found someone for about three months and I’m not sure if they’re the first person who felt worth it or if they truly were something special. But we were looking for different things and I almost let myself drown again. I picked myself back up, or at least tried to. Maybe distracting myself isn’t always the best way to heal, but I think of them less and less. I won’t lie, no one else has remotely sparked my interest or made me feel like them. But I refuse to beg for someone to be in my life who doesn’t want to be in it anymore. I barely talk to anyone from high school. I disconnected myself from that friend group the summer of 2020. The distance and exclusion began to hurt me too much and the friendships no longer served me purpose. I found myself mostly upset over how those people were making me feel and at the age of 20, I was sick of feeling like I was 15 again. I thought I knew loss 3 years ago, but I was not prepared for what life had in store for me. I lost family, friends, and the town that I found a second home. But life lately has been good, great even. I look forward to the future, maybe a little too much. But the flowers are blooming again and I’m trying to focus on myself right now. I’m looking for happiness in the simpler things which might be why I rediscovered this. All I want now and forever is to feel at peace and I’m really trying hard to make that a reality for myself.

[aurevoirbby]

24 June 2020

This year has been a whirlwind to say the least. It is crazy to think with all of the chaos going on in the world, life is still moving. Sometimes I wish I could just press a pause button and fully understand what is going on right now. Life is so so good that it almost overshadows the bad, but it’s hard for me to always remember that. You would think that friendships and relationships would get easier as you get older and more mature. It really hurts to outgrow people. I am the worst at letting go of the past. But I have to. It’s almost toxic at this point. I can’t have friends acting like we are 16 again in high school when we are now in our 20s and living through the largest rollercoaster of our lives. Your 20s are such a transformative period with family, friends, living situation, jobs, love. Even though I have only been 20 for 4 months, I can already see my life changing drastically. Friendships ending and memories of better times flashing before my eyes. It has truly been such a hard time for me, but I cannot scream for help. Instead, I suppress the feeling of sadness and try to remember all of the good I have in my life right now. But it’s not always easy, you know?

[aurevoirbby]

8 April 2020

it’s happening. again. I think? I'm scared. I've been down this path before: falling for your guy best friend. and look how that turned out for me. i don’t want it to be true. and a part of me knows that my love for you is like a brother. but sometimes my mind gets clouded and my vision gets blurred and suddenly i can’t picture a future without you in it. but i can’t. we can’t. i don’t want to lose you forever. i don’t want to ruin what we have.

[aurevoirbby]

8 April 2020

it’s crazy to think during such stressful and chaotic times I feel some kind of inner peace. when I reflect on the past few months, i realize that i cannot remember the last time i cried myself to sleep. a year ago today, that was something so normal to me. i almost couldn’t go a few days without breaking down in tears. is this what true happiness feels like? am i finally happy in such a depressing time? what is going on?

[aurevoirbby]

10 March 2020

it’s been a while since i’ve taken the time to write. i sometimes feel as if i simply do not have the words to summarize my life. and lately, i’ve been tackling the dilemma of letting people go who no longer serve me happiness and not trying to start unnecessary drama. i wish i was able to be selfish without feeling guilt. the past year, yet alone decade, has been hard. but with a new year, a new decade, i want to have a fresh start. for me.

[aurevoirbby]

10 December 2019

It's been almost an entire week since you've left and a little over a month since I found out that you were leaving. And somehow, the pain doesn't hurt any less. Some people say that time heals everything but if anything, I think it makes my wounds hurt more. When more time passes by and the silence form you continues, it seems that it just hurts more and more. The hardest part for me is that I know I'll be okay. I know life will continue to move and the world will keep spinning and I'll still find happiness from day to day. But it's the late nights in my room that keep me up late thinking about life that really get to me. I feel like I have to constantly distract my mind to not think about you leaving. But another part of me knows that I have to give myself time to mourn the loss of you and our friendship. It's hard to look back at photos and see you in ever single one and not know if every memory with you was genuine or real. And that almost hurts more than you leaving. If anything, you finally flying to Canada was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. But it's the memories that haunt me and I can't help but get sad over the moments we had and feeling like I never even knew you. You- the person who I considered my best friend, my other half, my ride or die. Now you feel like nothing but a stranger to me. And yes, I've lost friends. It's a part of life. People outgrow each other and move on and that's just fact. But I just never thought that could happen to us. And I guess that's my fault for being so naive to think that you could never leave.

[aurevoirbby]

2 December 2019

Loss. It seems to be the only word I can truly use to describe this past year. And maybe that’s me being a dramatic 19-year-old girl who is still learning so much about life. But it’s hard, you know. To lose so much at such a young age. I know right now it feels like the end of the world. And I know maybe tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or even next year, it will feel like nothing. But right now it feels like everything. And maybe it’s because it seems like it’s all been happening all at once. As if these past 30 days have been the hardest. As if everything around me is slowly falling apart right before the new decade begins. And for some reason, I feel like I am numb. Yes, I cry myself to sleep probably way too often than I should. But at the same time, I still am happy? And it almost makes me more upset. Because I feel like I am numbly walking through life. But trust me, I know the pain is coming. I know I like to act tough...it’s a pride thing I have. But I know one day, everything will seem fine, but I’ll realize everything that has changed. And I’ll cry myself to sleep once again, in the silence of my room for no one to hear or witness but myself. Because that’s how I am. And I can’t help it. It’s so hard for me to let things go. And lately, it seems like I’ve been losing so much that the whole world is slipping through my fingers. How can I make it stop?