“Ito na toh. This could be it so…haaay bahala na nga!”
He fixed the car’s front mirror to himself making sure that he looked presentable, and then he took a deep breath before finally getting out of his car. He decided to come to a friend’s party knowing that she’ll be there too, hoping that he could get all the answers that his heart has been pleading for quite a long time now. You see, tonight his going to take his chances, it might be his last so his taking nothing for granted. He’ll try to know what she feels by telling her what’s truly inside of him, he’ll make a confession. The confession of his heart. But the upshots are out of his control, he has no idea on how she’ll react to this; so tonight could either start a love that has been longing for a chance or end something that never really got a shot in the first place.
He went inside the place and much to his surprise; there were already a lot of people. His eyes searched for her in the crowd, squeezing himself in an effort to find her but some of his friends grabbed him to every corner, making it impossible to get to where she was.
“Oooh Lloydie! It surprised me that you don’t have any drink with you! Party toh pare, c’mon let’s have some fun! Anung gusto mo? Vodka or Tequila?”
“Ahhmm no, thanks bro. May hinahanap kasi ako. Have you seen Sarah?”
“Si Sarah? Bat mo sya hinahanap? Hindi ko alam eh. Dyan ka lang tol, I’ll get you some drink!”
“No…ah…” He was getting a bit impatient up until he saw Luis with some close friends. “Luis! Ahmm sige bro ah dun muna ako kila Luis.”
He hurried his way to where his Kanto Boy buddy was. Not wanting to be drag by some drunk folks again.
“Luis, bro!”
“Uuy Lloydie! Kamusta bro!”
“Okay naman. Bro nakita mo ba si Sarah? Dumating na ba sya? Kanina ko pa kasi sya hanihanap eh, I can’t find her.”
Luis gave him a somewhat mischievous look before bursting into laughter.
“Ehem! Eh bakit mo naman hinahanap si Sarah? Wala ka bang kasama? Miss mo na yung bebe mo? Hahaha”
“Bro naman eh! Sagutin mo nalang kasi yung tanong ko.”
“Haha! Well kanina pa dumating si Sarah but I only saw her once nung nag-uusap sila nila Anne.”
Nikki stepped into their conversation and gave him a warm hello.
“Well wherever the camera is, Sarah is there. Alam mo naman si Sarah G. Habulin yun ng media.” Nikki gave him a quick smile and went back to her group.
“Sige bro, she must be right. Hanapin ko lang muna sya. Maiwan ko na muna kayo.”
“Okay bro! Goodluck lover boy! Sana mahanap mo si bebe!haha” Luis gave him a friendly nod and he bid him goodbye.
He searched for her again around the place then he saw flashes of light on one crowded corner, it quickly brought smile on his face and hoped that she was there. He made a slight peek at the side just to make sure that she was really there and Nikki was in deed right, the cameras love Sarah, she effortlessly endeared every one of them. But something caught his attention that instantly dropped his smile into a frown. He felt his knees weakened and his heart shattered into pieces. The image of her wrapped on someone else’s arms, playfully enjoying the crowds teasing and that big smile on her face brought not by him but by someone who was just being linked to her, this wasn’t the thing that he expected to see. He wasn’t prepared for this. He felt numb and unable to move, he wasn’t expecting for this short notice.
This is all too painful for him.
He stared away pretending he didn’t see anything, he didn’t want her or any of the press people to notice him so he immediately went out to the parking lot, besides he needed some space and fresh air. But little did he know that Sarah got a glimpse of him as he went to the exit.
He walked looking at the ground while holding the tears that would probably burst any minute. It was devastating, he could feel his throat tighten with every breathe he makes and his chest pounding as if telling him to break something already. He didn’t know what to do anymore, sure he wanted to punch some walls but it was too risky to be seen by anyone. He was just a few steps away from his car when he heard someone call him from behind and much to his surprise, it was Sarah.
He turned to face her and she looked puzzled, maybe wondering why he was hurrying to leave. He wanted to talk to her, hoping he wouldn’t choke with all these emotions stuck in his throat.
“Oh Sarah, anong ginagawa mo dito?”
“Ikaw nga dapat tanungin ko nyan eh. Anong ginagawa mo dito Lloydie eh di pa nga tapos yung party. Tara, balik tayo sa loob.” She grabbed him by the hand but he didn’t move an inch instead he pulled his hand away.
“Ahhm kailangan ko na kasi umalis eh. I really need to go Sarah.”
“Ha? Aalis ka na? Maaga pa naman ah. Emergency? May problema ba Lloydie?”
“Oh no. Wala namang problema. Pagod lang ako, dapat nga di nalang ako pumunta eh kaso mapilit yung mga makukulit eh. But you go on Sarah. Balik ka na dun.”
“Sure ka, okay ka lang? Lloydie...is there anything na gusto mong pag-usapan?”
He paused for a moment, thinking that maybe this is his chance. He could just tell her that he loves her deeply and be done with this. But the flashback started in his head and once again he saw how happy she was with that boy inside. It has been a long while since the last time he saw her smile like that, there was glow in her eyes and she was even laughing back there. Surely, that boy made his Sarah happy and the thought clenched his heart. It finally got into him, that what he saw was painful but what he saw was enough. Enough to give up whatever he felt for her, to forget whatever he was about to tell her. He thought that maybe...it was time to let go. So he took a deep breath before putting this away.
“Nothing, Sarah. Wala namang kailangang pag-usapan. I’m fine. Kailangan ko lang talaga umalis.”
“Sigurado ka ah. Pero bakit mo ba talaga kailangang umalis agad?”
“Aalis na ako kasi I already saw what I needed to see.”
He gave her a halfhearted smile before answering “Ikaw.”
“Ako?” She looked stunned and blushing, it was quite obvious which made him smile a bit.
“Lloydie naman eh! Puro biro!”
“But Sarah, could you do me a favor? Please?”
“Oo naman! Kahit ano, lam mo namang special ka sakin eh!”
He thought to himself ‘special’. This is what breaks him, the thought that he’ll probably be just a special friend to her forever.
“Sarah, I want you to stay wherever you are right now. Kung saan ka man ngayon, I want you to stay there and be happy. Ang importante totoong masaya ka. If it truly makes you happy then don’t go. Seize and never let go, okay?” He smiled at her, still holding his tears. But he was still hoping that she could read his eyes and know that he loves her so much. He loves her so much that letting go made it too painful to bear.
“Lloydie anong...” And before she could ask him further, he walked towards her and pulled her closely to him for a hug. It was the warmest she has ever had in years, she felt a different kind of jolt somewhere inside her heart and for the slightest moment, she felt like it meant something else but then he whispered something to her ears.
“Friendly hug. Basta Sarah, as long as you’re happy, masaya na din ako.”
And for the last time, he allowed himself to feel her warmth, to pour everything he has for her and let it be that way forever. She will never know that he loved her more than anyone he has ever loved, that in his heart she was and will always be his other half. She will never know any of this. He wanted to tell her how much he loves her but instead he tightened his arms around her and inhaled the scent of her hair, even the fragrance of her shoulder.
He was unaware that she already gave in too, her eyes were closed, feeling him as well. But she looked calm, as if clarity has been served to a baffled heart. What he didn’t knew was her desire, her desire that this would last forever, that he wouldn’t let go and leave her confused again. She was hoping for the same thing, for this to happen and never end. But fate and time played with two hopeless hearts.
It took a few moments before they finally let go of each other. No one dared to say a word to the other; feelings were left unsaid once again. He looked down and felt upset but he knew he needed to go now so he squeezed her hand and gave her cheek a soft kiss before turning around to where his car was.
She just stood there outside the parking lot, left hanging again. She felt frustrated that she didn’t know what she was to him and that she didn’t even understand what she feels for him. And for some reasons she couldn’t explain herself, tears just started flooding her cheeks.
It felt painful that an unfortunate kind of love consumed them.
---M.J.
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