If you have read my book you probably think I didn’t have any fun down under and spent my days lamenting over the poor treatment I received from Australian men. I am writing this blog to prove you wrong as I did have fun living in Sydney and lots of it. So f'in much fun my face is permanently damaged from all of the laughing and smiling I did during my stint in Sydney. For anyone who is looking to take a vacation there, please feel free to check out my top all time Sydney picks for things to do and also feel free to let me know what you thought of them, assuming you made it down under.
MacKenzie's Top 10 Things to do in Sydney
1. Local barbeque – Throw some shrimp on the Barbie and grab a Tooheys at your Sydney mates’s house bbq. If you are lucky you will see grown ass men with no gear on shaking their wieners at each other and digging holes in the yard to stick their wieners in. Don’t forget to watch your cornhole as while these type of men claim to be hetero, but I am just not convinced.
2. Get wasted at the Opera House Bar – Now this is an absolute must. As soon as you have checked in to your room and chucked your bags in the corner, jump in a cab and tell them you want to go to the Opera House Bar. It is a Sydney icon and every cab driver will know exactly where to take you. If they don’t, well f' em and find another driver. Once you are there steal the table that is closest to the harbor and start getting on the piss. This is a lovely spot to take in views of the Opera House and harbor, watch Sydney’s men and women stay as far away from each other as possible, and get blind drunk.
3. Head out to Bondi Beach – While sharks have had a few visits to Bondi Beach, you are much more likely to see a plethora of Irish and English people who are bright red due to their stupidity of not covering their ghost white skin with the 50 + sunscreen that every chemist in Australia sells. If you happen to visit Bondi on Christmas day, you are in for a real treat. Inevitably an Irish or English tourist or several of them will drink to many Tooheys in the hot sun and then decide to go for a swim. As we all know, the Irish and English don’t spend much time in the ocean and are completely unaware of its powers, especially when they are on the piss. The combination of these factors makes a rogue riptide dragging one of these drunk characters out to sea a common occurrence on Christmas day. When this happens you will get to see the Bondi Lifesaver’s in action in their budgie smugglers. True that!
4. Go to an AFL game – What the hell is an AFL game? Well imagine 30 some odd guys running around in short shorts with no rhyme or reason to their movements. This is a sport that doesn’t have ANY strategic plays. It is a complete free for all and the “players” run around for a good hour and a half or so trying to kick a ball through the opponent’s goal post. If I had to compare this sport to any other sport, I would say it is a combination between soccer, football and hanging out at the Abbey in LA (gay bar). You will have a blast watching these guys run around in their short shorts with zero plans of what they or anyone else will do next.
5. Take the ferry to the Manly Beach – Next to Bondi, Manly is Sydney’s most famous beach. It is located across the harbor to the North. You will most likely board your ferry from the Circular Quay and will arrive in Manly after about thirty minutes. Spread your towel out on this pristine beach with all of the amenities and soak up some rays while watching little 8 year old blonde boys shred up the surf on their boards. When you have had enough of the blazing hot Australian sun head across the Corso to the infamous Manly Wharf Hotel. This is a prime location to sit indoors or outdoors and enjoy views of the wharf over frosty mugs of Tooheys. The crowd varies, but you are sure to see plenty of quintessential paralytic bogans in short shorts and work mens' boots.
6. Go out for a night in King’s Cross, aka, The Cross – The Cross is Sydney’s version of a red light district. Unlike most red light districts it is pretty damn safe and jam packed with late teens and twenty somethings looking for a good time. This area is full of pubs and nightclubs so you are sure to find some place to your liking to hang out for an all-night dance party as the clubs close at 6 AM. Cross people are usually on coke and ex so if that is your thing, feel free to indulge. You will fit right in.
7. Tour the Western suburbs – In Sydney there are four distinct areas, the Northern beaches, the Eastern Suburbs, the Western suburbs, and the Shire. I recommend visiting the Western suburbs as that is where all of Sydney’s white trash population, aka bogans live. The Western suburbs are a stark difference to the rest of Sydney as they are shockingly ugly and water views are non-existent. It is no surprise that this is where white trash would migrate to. You will be pissing yourself after seeing numerous business in the front , party in the back bogans.
8. Visit the Boy Charlton Pool in the Domain – This is Sydney’s famous gay pool. If you want to swim some laps and watch gay guys lathering each other with sunscreen and saying sweet nothings to each other in lispy Australian accents, this is your cup of tea. The pool’s truncated name is the “boy.” This name will have a whole new meaning for you after your visit.
9. Get your party on in Darling Harbor – Darling Harbor is lined with cool restaurants and bars which makes it the ideal location to have a late dinner followed by copious amounts of booze. Bar hopping is easy peasy here as there are tons of options depending on what you are in the mood for. If you can’t wait until the evening to get your drink on, this location is also hopping during the day. Bungalow 8 is always a good choice, but watch out for all the wankers that think they are just too cool.
10. Play “Spot the Aussie Boy” – Grab all of your girlfriends and organize a day of playing “Spot the Aussie Boy.” What this game entails is covering as much ground in Sydney as possible in order to hunt down Aussie males. After you find a guy, you slap a sticker on his back that says, “I am an Aussie male prick.”
This is by far and away MacKenzies top pick.
