February 4, 2022
I feel like there’s always a lot to update you on - I feel like this is dragging on WAY longer than it’s supposed too. There IS a lot that has happened though the last week or so.
Sometime during the evening of Jan 25, Em messaged me saying “Hey - I had some more time/space to process our chat from Saturday and had a long convo with my family recently. I am not sure if you already have your own thing planned - wondering if you’re free again end of the week? Either downtown or I could make it there”. I told him that I wouldn’t mind going downtown, since I know how much of a hassle it would be for him to come to my place. Anyways, him giving me the option of coming to my place, I thought that he had a change in heart where he wanted to get back together. This message was also a SHOCK to me because the week before, he said that he didn’t know what he wanted, didn’t know where he was going in life, or anything of that sense. I told him I would give him space to figure it out, and he told me that he would take some time. So, messaging me on TUESDAY after our talk on SATURDAY was hella surprising to me because I honestly thought it would take him longer to figure out. But, whatever. I thought, hey, maybe he really wanted to get back together and couldn’t wait to give me an answer.
So, around the same time as the week before around 11:30am, I went to see Em to see what insight he had on everything. I was going to grab some bubble tea, but I opted out because the weekend before we talked so much and we didn’t end up drinking it together. Anyways, I went to talk to Em. He told me why he was so depressed while living with me, a mixture of feeling unhappy because he felt trapped, but also felt like he was feeling complacent. He felt like he wasn’t able to do his own thing, and that he “couldn’t see himself” living the lifestyle he did with me. He contributed a lot of his depression to the incident in Toronto that happened years before. He told me how every that incident, he always had a bad vibes from Toronto. Since that incident, he also pushed a lot of his friends away and his family as well. He told me that he was always afraid of Toronto inherently and always felt like there were other options available to him. I guess he was able to talk to his mother about a lot of this, and he explained to me that he doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. He told me that he wants to go “all in” Toronto, and wants to build a relationship, and now has a definitive goal he is working towards. He says that he wants to go back into real estate and hopefully meet his goal that he set for himself within the next 2 years. He had asked me what my goals were, and asked me if I saw his goal a common goal between us - I told him it was. We discussed a bit about how I was too needy, and how he felt like he couldn’t leave me alone, or else I would “fall asleep” or “wilt”. He felt like he needed to entertain me, which also meant that he wasn’t able to do the activities or things he truly enjoyed. He felt like I was a puppy, and that he would always need to keep me entertained.
We were able to talk about our differences, but then also our commonalities as well. We talked about how things would look moving forward, and what would change. He told me that he was able to talk to his mom about me, and while he did not tell her EVERYTHING about me, it was a start in terms of building rapport with his parents. I think that he was asking me a lot of questions, especially from the week prior when I said that my “outlook on life has changed”. A lot of questions were surrounding that comment I made, and what I would do in the future/ moving forward, and what things would look like. We talked about getting back together, and how I had a lot to think about because the way he broke our relationship off will always give me trust issues and doubt. He knew that he did not do the right move, but also compared it to a parent hitting a child, how it was just impulsive because he could not stand it anymore. He couldn’t stand the way of living, how he had to compromise so much, how things weren’t streamlined, and how he couldn’t do his own thing. He said that nearing the end of the relationship, he felt like he needed to smoke up because he was that happy - smoking up also flared up his hip which also caused him more pain. I suppose everything in the end was just a negative cycle for him. He was saying how in the end, he was doing things (like playing Switch) when he didn’t even want to because he felt like he “needed to”. I think while living with me, he lost a sense of who he was, because he was adapting so much to me.
He questioned what things would look like moving forward if we got back together. I asked him why he wanted to be with me, and I suppose he said that he knew I was good to him. I tried to figure out HOW much he liked me, but he said that it was difficult to tell because we were long distance for a while, and then I was studying, and then I was working a lot/ sleeping when I got home, so it was really hard for him to know which “me was the real me” (oh, actually, I think he mentioned this during the phone call on Feb. 3). Anyways, we explored the idea of what he wanted if we got back together again and what that looked like. I asked him if he had ever been in “love” before, and he said no. He’s never been in love with either of his ex’s (which is kinda a red flag for me). Anyways, I ensured that our goals were aligned and that our family goals were aligned (he said he wanted to work on his goals for the next 2 years, and then maybe he would be able to retire and have kids by 36). Anyways, I honestly thought things went well - we ended up talking all day, another 8-9 hours. Overall, I thought it was a good visit. We had lunch together (egg and toast), and we even had dinner together (pasta). I did not shed a single tear that day. I thought that a lot of his answers were able to give me the closure I needed about everything.
Before I left, he said that he would be willing to try again if I was able to compromise with him in terms of supporting him with his goals, letting him do his thing, and giving him more space. I know that would be a big change for me, and I told him I would, but he honestly wanted me to take it back home to digest everything he said to me, and then give him an answer. He compared it to “even if you finish a test before it ends, just sit and double check everything”. So, that’s how we finished off. He said he would be willing to try again, and the “ball was back in my court”. Before we parted, I asked if I would see him again - he said we would. I said I would message him within the week about my answer.
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February 2, I talked to my parents and friends about it, and I thought it would be worthwhile to try again with Em. I know a lot of things weren’t done right on my part, and while it would be my turn to compromise, and I didn’t have much (except for time to lose), that I would try it with Em again. That evening, I messaged him “Hey Em, I had some time and space to process our chat from Saturday. I still have a couple of questions and comments I wanted to clear up. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up or have a chat about it. Let me know what works for you”. He called me shortly after and we talked for another 2 hours - it was coming up to be 1:30am and we both had to work the next day, so we inevitably had to end the call. During this call, he was saying how he was really not happy living with me and how he lost himself because he was compromising with me so much. He had asked me if I had noticed anything, but I honestly couldn’t tell that he was unhappy. He was saying how he wanted me to do my thing, but I didn’t, and would end up falling asleep. He told me how he felt pressured to hang out with me every time I was over at his place downtown to make the “trip worth it”. He told me that he had a good month for himself where he was able to think and grow and figure his own this out. He might have mentioned that he liked being by myself more than he liked being with me at some point, but also knew he wanted a partner in life. I told him again, that I would compromise with him, but he said that he didn’t trust that I would because that’s what I said before. He listed a bunch of reasons why he was unhappy, or rather “frustrated” with me, and so I told him that with these reasons, would it not be responsible for us to break up. He started to get defensive with me saying that I was the one that had to change and that I was the one that wanted to give up on us. He started complaining how HE felt drained every time he talked to me, and he got frustrated because I was so task oriented, always asking him “what’s next” or “what are we doing”. He felt tired always trying to help me (mentally and financially) because HE also wants some direction in life. He just thinks that the relationship was not fair? maybe?
Anyways, in conclusion, HE wanted MORE time to think about everything. So, he told me that February 2, so at this point, I’m so over it. Like, my friend was saying but it seems like “he thinks he could do better but he's debating about settling with you”, which actually does make sense. Like, I know he wants a family and wants kids when he reaches P3, but he’s also not in the mindset to date and look around because that takes effort and time. But, then he also knows I’m good TO him and that my INTENTIONS are GOOD. But then, he also needs to make compromises, which he doesn’t want to do. So, I think he’s trying to debate what to do. OR, the flipside is that he’s actually just done with everything and just doesn’t want to break up because he feels add (because from the way he talks, he just doesn’t seem like he’s THAT interested in me). I have tried ask WHY he wants to be with me, or WHAT he likes about me, but he just says “you had to deal with my bullshit”. I’m like... anyone can do that. OR, you know what, he also mentioned something about 1) NOT trying again but then potentially missing out on what could have been, and then 2) TRYING again, but then potentially arguing even more and then being at a worse spot with him than I am at now. So yeah, I asked him yesterday what he thought about getting together, but he kept asking “oh, what would things look like? What would you be doing at my place? What would you be saying? How would you be acting?” I’m like, there’s no way I can tell because I’m NOT in that position right now, but I will try my best. And then he’s not sure if he can trust me, and I’m like thinking LOL I’m the one that can’t trust you because you don’t communicate well and you might just take your shit and leave again if you don’t like something. HE REALLY needs to learn to communicate better or just be less cowardly - like either break up or don’t. Either tell me what’s wrong or forever hold your peace - don’t break up with me, and then 5 weeks later tell me how much you hated your life because you were living with me. And every week it seems like I talked to him, there was more and more he didn’t like about being with me, but then for some reason, he won’t break up with me. Anyways, whatever the case may be, there’s a lot to think about for him (I guess)? I told him, hey, you know we’ve been broken up for almost 5 weeks, now... things won’t be the same IF we get back together. He said he knows, and that he WANTS us to be separate for a while because we aren’t GOING to start where we left off IF we got back together - we would be starting fresh. So yeah, at this point, there’s not much more to talk about. I’m just slowly drifting away and living my life. I don’t know IF he will reach out to me ever again, and I don’t know what my response will be. Perhaps I won’t want to get back together because I think the latter will happen - I’ll try again with him and I will be the one that hates my life, and then we would’ve been better off not trying. It’s hard to invest your time and effort and heart into someone that would just end up walking away. I don’t know, but I’m SO over it at the moment. I’m not sure what else I can write from here or when he will message me again. He said he would, but I’m not sure, and I don’t really care.













