I think I've figured out that my sister gets annoyed when I talk about my uneventful love life.
Of course I'm a broken record.
At this point it's my fault.
She's out of it now. She's settled now and every time I try to tell her about my insecurities and my self reflections, she dismisses it and cuts me off. Whatever analysis I try to do, to understand what's happening to me, or rather what's not happening to me, she belittles it with "you're thinking too much" or "things just come naturally".
And what if they are not just bound to happen to me? They just don't. No meet cute. No crushes or flirts.
She told me "it sounds like you're anxious about it not happening/anxious about waiting".
I'm almost 26 and I'm exactly where I was 6 years ago. Nothing has changed.
Soon I'll be the only one left. Everyone else will have someone by their side.
They'll prefer to be with their someone and obviously I can't expect anything else. Unless I find someone too, I'll never be anyone's priority.
And the thing I don't understand is that I'm fine alone, maybe I could be better with the right person but that's an hipotetical. I'm fine with my life.
Whats messing me up, it's constantly hearing from society that I'm supposed to not be fine with being single. That's I'm supposed one day to find a parter and be happier that Ive ever been. That people will think I'm failing at life I find myself alone at a certain age.
I'm just afraid that I'm missing out on experiences that everyone else has. That I'm trowing away time and my youth.
Because I'm fine now. Will I be able to day the same at 35, 40, 50?
Everything tells you that you'll be fulfilled when you find your person. I think most people imagine this for their future.
Little me did too, and she would be very dissatisfied with the me of now.
My sister only talks about what happens to her. We don't talk about anything else. Her course. Her relationship. Her commitments.
There's nothing outside of her everyday life. It seems like he's on autopilot.
The only time we talk about something more abstract is her relationship. It always go back to that.
And I get that people are interested in relationships. I also get a little rush of happiness and intrigue when my friends bring up a new interest they have. New gossips to discuss together. New adventures with a new person.
But I find myself there. Always just listening to their stories. Always unable to relate. At this point unable to care that their 395847 situationship didn't go anywhere.
And many times, after listening,listening and listening again, I find myself thinking "I don't give a shit".
I mean either she's on the phone minding her own business and doesn't give a damn about you. Or she talks about things that are her own business and honestly I don't care that much.
It wasn't always like this.
We used to listen to each other. Now I don't care anymore and I think it's mutual.
We used to spend so much time together. We handed out. We traveled. We talked and laughed so much. When she was single we used to spend so much time together and I miss that so much. It makes me feel I was just a there to fill her time. That if she could have switched the time spent with me with time spend with her partner she would have always picked that over me. And I am supposed to accept that, because it's life and it's only natural.
One thing I can't stand is when both her and a friend of mine are texting someone while you are hanging out. Let's say you are getting a coffee, chatting about how life is going. You are trying to make the mundain interesting. Making jokes. Trying to keep the energy high, for how high energy a chat over coffee can be. You're talking and the guy they are being texting with for the past week has just send his 487472829 test of the day.
They have to answer right now. Of course. You're there, you just asked them a question. They are no even looking at you anymore. The question hang in the air, and you are waiting. You look around in silence thinking how naturally this stranger they barely know has to have the priority. Because they guy you are texting to this month cant wait that half an hour, we are hanging out together.
Because it doesn't matter if you've known them for 10 years or even since you were born, the guy who get their attention will always take precedence. Because they're interested in him.
Because you are the friend who's always there no matter what. The one to hang out with between dates. Because that's the ultimate goal.
Love, sex, relationships. Everyone talks about that all the time. That seems to be the main goal of every person you meet. Everyone does everything for that.
And what place does a person who doesn't think about those things have in this world?
What about those people that don't feel romantic love, whose only relevant love in their life is that of their family and their friends.
No it doesn't come naturally to me. No, I haven't "not meet yet the right person yet".
Sometimes I just wanna move away and completely lie to my family and fabricate a perfect life for them, so that they can think I'm happy. I'm doing my thing. I'm living life. I'm enjoying my single life to my fullest.
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