It’s over, I’m done.
[tl;dr I’m a nervous, mental wreck and I hate myself]
I’ve been truly blessed these past 22 years but I think my time here is up and I don’t feel like I belong here. I feel like I belong anywhere but here. Where that will be, I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know where my light will take me but I want anyone reading this, or anyone that I spent some time with, to know that I enojyed a lot of my time with you (some more than others) and am greatful to be apart of each and every one of your stories. Although, I am not happy with the cards I’ve been dealt and I don’t want to play this game anymore. I just always thought that you deserve what you give in life. Right now and for the past five-six months I’ve been feeling very lonely and very imprisoned. It’s not that I’m ungreatful with the people around me. I can’t always accept so much of what I’m given because I feel like I can never give back enough. I’m skeptical of how people see me because I want to believe it but I feel like I can’t because it might not even be for real and then when I finally cave in start believing, what I thought it was is now what it isn’t. Maybe that’s my fault. It usually always is. It’s always my fault, every time I look, it’s the first thing out of their mouths. It feels like too much has fucked up to where trying to fix anything would be counter intutive. I know it’s all in my hands but the only thing I can manage to do is walk around the house talking to myself, day dreaming about what could’ve been, and wishing I hadn’t spent so much money on cam girls. I know one might not understand why I want to take the “early flight home” but I guess it’s just down perspective on my own personal experience. I feel empty, like a big part of me is gone along with the passion I used to have for the world. I don’t care so much about collecting as much money as possible to ensure a comfortable future, video games are getting worse, and pain killers can only get you so far. Nothing else really makes me happy anymore, or gives me reason to. The future just doesn’t seem that bright to me. Looking out any window, I see black, white; good, bad; rights, wrongs, it’s definately a mixture but I know there isn’t balance. I don’t see a point in going on if I’m so unhappy. It’s like a hurt that no amount of Norco can pave over or constant unease ringing in my ear louder than the things I should be greatful for, sometimes I can almost feel where the neurons aren’t firing anymore and I feel like the trouble isn’t worth the weight and I’m sorry but I just can not and will not do it anymore. I feel like all I’m good for is being people’s stepping stone on their path to personal glory and gratification and I don’t feel happy about that. I have started hate myself for it. I don’t even know who I am anymore or if I was ever anything at all. It feels like I’m just a collection of learned behavior and apart of a context created only to further someone’s goals. I don’t like that I’m subconciously trying to convince myself that this reality can’t be real either. I don’t like having to try to escape to some fantasy world or rearrange my perception of reality so I don’t have to feel so defeated and worthless. From my angle on things, I’m just some boring tool who gave too much of himself to the world and there’s nothing left in me and people see that and perpetuate the process, take from me until they see my worth is depleted. There isn’t much that I left behind either. I’m sorry parents, friends, acquaintences, but I’m not as strong or bright as you may have thought and I’m not the same person you all used to like having around. I don’t even feel like I’m good at anything useful in the world so I’m probably just a waste of resources, honestly. All that’s left for me to want is liberation from this physical world. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. So yeah, all in all I’m making the concious choice to cease expeirencing the physical world. The ego has greatly affected the self and I don’t know how to get around it. So don’t blame this on my hobbies, I let go of all my hobbies and freed myself from my vices and found out I’m still me so a person’s actions should be a reflection of them and their psyche, not on some arbitrary coincidence with their hobbies or eating habbits or whatever. If people just let go of their indentities and not want so much fucking credit for every little thing, everyone’s world would be much more healthier. And people are always so quick to fuck me over, like if we’re playing the ego game how come I’m the one always held to a higher standard? How does that justify people being shitty to me for no real reason. Everyone just fucking gives up on me but also expects me to listen to all their problems and help them with their issues first. No one wants to deal with me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It feels like no one wants me to roll with them for too long. I have so much I want to say and express but no one has the time for it, it seems. I can’t just love people, there’s always a catch and it’s always the most absurd shit too. I’m just so tired of it, I’m so tired of being afraid to bring more people into my life because they almost always fuck it up or aren’t worth the time and effort and end up wasting my time. What’s the point of it all? What’s the point in having all the answers if no one wants to listen? Why listen intently and be a positive exchange when people just want to sell you their bullshit or just tell you what they think you want to hear? If that’s how things are then why does anything matter anymore? I don’t want to deal with this unnecessary heart ache anymore, it’s just not worth it. I actually think I might just be a really shitty person and I just can’t see it. Maybe my head is just fucked up. I know it’s because I am sad and I am alone. I’m just no good for very long and it feels like I am rotting. I think I’m breaking from any coherent sentence structure of any written passage of All Time so I guess I’ll stop.
Before I forget, just to clear up the air, no I’m not “a gay” nor do I think I am a woman trapped in a man’s body because that’s a common thing and there are too many filippino dudes that are turbo gay for that not to be a thing. I just don’t feel like I supposed to be here and the last thing that’s been keeping me here was a fucking video game. Yep that’s right, you heard it here first; total fucking dumbass held off killing himself so he could play A Hideo Kojima game. That’s probably why I deserve to go Hell. After all, Heaven is a place on Earth with you.
