Queen S

Fall in love in different languages; play Mario Kart when sad; snowboarding is the embodiment of freedom; loneliest place in the world is an empty hotel room; have family dinners; "let's go home" are the most wonderful words to be whispered; cooking is stress relief; keep a garden; have a lot of naps; outdoors sex is good sex; in love with soy milk and yogurt. There's absolutely no reason why I can't rule the world someday

[avecqueen-s]

i live between three worlds

as if the eastern and western cultural clash isn't already enough

then again, i'm never one for settled living

we get exactly what we want

yet i feel good

how lucky one must be this loved

i'm grateful

extremely grateful

politics is fascinating

there are a few who gets to see the inner workings of our world

the mishaps, the ego, the connections

and of couse

that ultimate game for power

tv did not lie

power is addictive

it is the most fulfilling, destructive, eye-opening and toxic drug there is

[avecqueen-s]

we are at an age where we have lost the war to spam

not just limited to that email inbox

but in all aspects

most of us in the western world consistently consume trash 

but maybe the issue is that we’re also producing more trash 

beautiful trash 

charming trash

addictive trash 

[avecqueen-s]

im at peace these days 

there’s a lot of things to look forward to 

upcoming travels, holidays, exciting work projects 

spring is coming 

and there’s always more hope 

though i do admit there’s a lot of distractions 

and maybe we allow ourselves to be distracted with cat videos, celebrity gossip, and ridiculous satire because we’re unable to cope with silence and the subsequent thoughts running amok that more often than not ends in anxious self doubt 

we’re lonely and addicted to the endless feed of social media 

it’s been a while since i sat silently and finished a book 

it takes longer for me to finish a book 

in that sense i miss the 14 years old me that reads 1000+ pg biographies on controversial historic figures 

i am more lucky than most 

i’m keenly aware of that 

i take low dosage adderall sometimes for immediate weight loss results 

i have a few major conferences in the horizon with lots of media presence

i am photographed constantly during these things 

adderall works well 

unsurprisingly the mood swings are heavy too 

i never go above 10mg 

i want to read more 

i want to spend more time in nature 

i want to live somewhere with daily exposure to vitaminD is a guarantee 

i’m grateful that my parents are well, happy and finding joy in life 

i’m grateful that my brother is kind and sweet by nature (despite how neglectful and mean i was when i babysat him) 

i’m grateful for D and his love for me 

i have a hard time finding love in my heart for others 

including my grandmother

a point at which i swing between awkward and annoyance 

i keep my circle small and i’m ok with that 

i want to spend less time with my screen 

and try to remember the dreams i had when i was 12 

i look forward to being a mother one day 

[avecqueen-s]

when D and i spend the day writing and smoking, smoking and writing

he’s such a dream 

[avecqueen-s]

that time I got high out of my mind and watched 甄嬛传 with grandma

[avecqueen-s]

今天听到很美的一段话

相遇时太年轻

还不知道怎样和对方朝夕相处 共度一生

是呀

长大后在正确的时间遇见正确的人

也不会再犯之前的错

好像对 “不悔梦归处，只恨太匆匆” 又有新的理解

过去的真心不在留恋

有那些美好的回忆就够了

现在的生活我很知足

现在的人我很爱

过去我怕一辈子都忘不了

而现在我知道真的可以忘

很诚恳的谢谢陪过我的人

但他们都不重要了

[avecqueen-s]

i live in complete debauchery with D and it’s indescribably fantastic  

[avecqueen-s]

i like pulling back from the world and just working through things 

the guilt and hardening i used to feel when i did that no longer exists 

the best thing the universe has ever done for me is opening my life to people who are my ride or die 

and yes, i have several of those 

work is a lot 

but i’m managing through it 

like spring, i’m arriving slowly but surely 

and it feels good 

the future feels promising 

[avecqueen-s]

these days i consider when i’m not spinning into depression and tears as a win 

i know that everyone around me is also flailing at life 

and hence i also expect very little from them as well 

things will be better 

[avecqueen-s]

the word of the year is “languish” according to some sociology magazine 

perhaps that’s how i’m feeling most days 

there’s a sense of impending doom that is constantly around me 

yet i don’t feel i deserve to use the word languish to describe my situation 

on the outside i seem to have been surviving through the pandemic unscathed 

i haven’t lost anyone to the illness 

everyone in the family seem to have kept their jobs and/or going to school 

tho it’s on rocky grounds, i still do have a relationship 

yet there’s this unnamed burden on my heart 

like it’s on the verge of tipping off the cliff and breaking into a million pieces 

maybe because there’s still lingering hope in me 

where there is still hope, there is also fear of losing 

i feel numb most days 

lack of motivation to complete tasks assigned to me 

i will not come out of this unscathed 

the rebirth process is painful 

like a dull knife cutting through dull pain 

or perhaps i’m just over exaggerating 

no life is too fulfilling when you think about it too much 

i will go put on some makeup 

[avecqueen-s]

it’s 2pm and i’ve cried holding my cat at least three times already today 

what is this i’m feeling 

is this death before rebirth 

mourning for imminent loss 

or just winter blues 

what if this relationship ends 

perhaps i will let myself fade 

fade into the background 

fade from a few distant friends 

and maybe...  

[avecqueen-s]

in times of distress, reread gone with the wind over and over again 

something about that book soothes in times when my chest tightens and i feel like i can’t breath 

it’s been so long ago since i felt this heavy weight on my chest 

ah winter is here 

[avecqueen-s]

i told the few friends who found my blog that these are just fleeting words from fleeting emotions 

don’t take them too seriously 

don’t take them at face value 

and for godsake don’t ask me to explain them 

on that note 

it seems we’re heading into a new round of lockdowns for this winter 

and i’m feeling quite zen about this situation 

it’s like one of those situations where you’re ssooo hungry to the point where you don’t even feel it anymore and then can keep working for a few more hours 

well that’s me now 

all that bundle of anxiety and melancholy started to evaporate over the weekend 

perhaps with all the hopelessness of everything 

getting through the day one day at a time is well enough 

if my relationship with D ever ends 

it won’t be because of the distance 

personality clashes would be the cause 

then again, A told me before that seems to be my excuse for all my past relationships failing 

yet i’m also very zen about it 

there’s no more wondering whether i’ll ever believe in love again or fearing for a future of being alone 

people like me will always love again 

and people like me will always prefer to be alone 

[avecqueen-s]

we have a tendency to filter our memories to exactly how we wish to remember it as fitting for our current situation 

i have vivid dreams quite often 

and although we tend to dismiss our dreams as fleeting films played by our subconscious

people who dream as often and deep as i do are left with more than a residual thought when we wake up 

reoccurring i had this scenario play out in my dreams quite often 

i would get caught up in a whirl wind affair with someone and midway through it when their attention was not on me, without warning i would hop out of the car and disappear into the crowd 

then watching hidden somewhere unnoticed, i would observe the way that they frantically look for me 

that guilt and fascination would be unavoidable 

however the dream would often end with me leaving for something else without ever making my presence known to the one that i’ve abandoned

this time i was different 

rather than leaving quietly, instead i found myself looking frantically for D 

his golden curls and impossibly adnois-like smile went through my mind and all i can think of is if he’ll accept that i’ve stepped on more than a few hearts to get to him 

perhaps dreams mean nothing

or perhaps it gives you a brief insight of the hypocrisy of being human 

[avecqueen-s]

I think it’s hard to figure out what the next step will be when you’re not exactly sure what you want

I like this city only to the extent that my family is there, period.

Unlike my residue longing for other places i have lived, my feelings for this current city is placid contempt at best

But that’s also not a good mindset to have

Therefore I’m going to write down all the things that i do enjoy about this city:

- easy access to libraries

- outdoor nature space for jogging

- metro enough for amazon to have one-day delivery

- pho everywhere, affordable and really good pho

- affordable groceries

- downtown actually has a nice European vibe to it

- legalized weed

It’s a strange feeling to have now because there was a time when i did love this city, yet i can’t remember exactly how it felt

Perhaps the way we love something is always a bit circumstantial

All the pieces of the puzzle needs to be there for “love” to happen

Back then i was in school, had a fun job, my cousin lived with us and we had a great dynamic going on, the family structure is solid and i was satisfied with the social scene of this city because i never had anything more exciting

Then ten years went by and everything about me has changed

I came home and after the initial novelty of being home wore off, I’m having difficult finding the spark in this place

I live in the poshiest neighborhood with stable job and substantial savings + no debt, everything on paper says I’m good by any standards

I don’t have the drive that i had while in school, my current job’s “excitement” factor diminished significantly from the pandemic, and by choice my social life is stagnant

And the worst thing is, i know this is privileged complaints and i should be counting my blessing

I feel guilty quite often

That i should be happy with what i have but I’m still complaining

That i have my parents with me and I’m still bitching

That i am already coming out better than most in my peer group in this pandemic and I’m still unsatisfied

Since we’re still in the pandemic there’s no real data on how people my age should be faring

Almost like rubbing salt into a gaping bloody wound that doesn’t seem to want to heal

I do predict that going into psychology and becoming a therapist might be a very lucrative career path in the coming years as we’re all going through the pandemic damaged in one way or another

[avecqueen-s]

call it naivety, blind faith or wishful thinking

but i do think that we have the power to attract what we desire 

if anything, we should worry about what we should do when we actually do get what we want 

what’s the next step 

how to adopt to the new norm 

[avecqueen-s]

I had a colleague awhile ago, exactly 10 years older than me and living by herself

S, let’s call her

She was new to the city and got an apartment quite close to work while i commuted back and from my parents’ place everyday

I often asked her what she does after work (mostly since i was envious that her commute was a nice brisk walk from apartment to office while i had 1 hour+ bus ride)

She told me she walked a lot and explored the neighborhood

That sounds nice and all, but god that sounded boring as well

This is not an easy city to make friends, people tend to settle early here and grew up close knit

I can imagine dating is even harder

I mean last time i was single in this city i was 24 and that basically doesn’t count considering everyone wants to date you when you’re 24

Sure, I’m not single now and I live in one of the poshiest neighborhoods with the richest whitest and oldest people (there’s a massive retirement home right in front of my apartment), but “single” living is enjoyable to only an extent when you’re used to having someone with you

Perhaps living with the bf for a year made me codependent on him, idk

Either way, i miss him terribly

Sometimes i’m quite conflicted on what to do with myself seeing as he wants me to move to Denmark for awhile (and probably a bit longer than that)

I would miss my family

And yes, just the family, not many friends left in this city anyways

But when i start to have these thoughts and feeling my anxiety coming on, i just put a stop to it to the best of my abilities

One of my friends who seeings a therapist on a regular basis told me that people sometimes have the tendency to “emotional hijack” themselves into depression, and those emotions during those moments aren’t as real as we believe them to be

Perhaps that’s the one thing i really learned for this year, that not all feelings are valid, and it’s actually ok that they’re not valid

Anyways, the future is unknown and there are so many changing factors

Perhaps there will be a way that i can keep my family close and live out my dreams

I do believe that <3