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[avtifulchaos]

I don’t know if your reason is true or you are just being kj. I hope its the former because I don’t want to hate you on Christmas day.

[avtifulchaos]

Dear Lolo,

I think you will be disappointed. I’m sorry but I tried doing my best but the timing won’t let me. I wish I can turn back time but it is impossible. I know rhis is your wish for us but I think I won’t be able to fulfill it. I am sorry, Lolo. Sorry.

[avtifulchaos]

Dear Lolo,

How are you there in heaven? I know you are good there. Alam ko po na gulat na gulat kayo sa ginagawa kong ito. We never really did this before. Pero sana po pakinggan niyo ako.

Lolo, Daddy is cheating again with some other woman. This is the 3rd time. Pangatlo na po. And still, I’m deeply hurt. I will never be used to the pain. Sobrang sakit pa rin. Sobrang sakit. Lolo, why does daddy keep on repeating this thing? Before, I asked him to stop it and he promised that he will but here I am now, telling you his another love affair. Binali niya iyong pangako niya sa akin. Are we not enough? Hindi ba niya kami love? Kasi kung love niya kami, bakit niya kami sinasaktan?

I don’t know if dahil po sa stress niya ito sa work kaya niya nagagawa ang bagay na ‘to. Kung dahil po doon, I really want to understand. Pero the more na nagsisink in sa akin, the more na nasasaktan ako. Siguro mas grabe yung stress na nararamdaman ni daddy sa work kaysa po sa akin pero kailangan ba talagang umabot sa ganito? Tapos Lolo sabi ni daddy kaya daw po nasa daan kasi makasalanang tao. Nirerecognize nila iyong kasalanang ginagawa nila at hihingi sila ng patawad kay God. Sana marecognize niya po ang kasalanan niya. Sana humingi siya ng patawad kay God. Sana gawin niya ito at itigil niya na po ito.

Lolo, you are the person that I want to talk regarding this matter. You know why? Kasi daddy really looked up to you. He speaks so highly of you. Daddy also mentioned how nice a person you are. So maybe, can you visit him in his dreams? And please tell him to stop. Please wake my father. Baka magising na siya sa katotohanan. Please tell him to stop hurting his children especially mommy. I witnessed the 2nd time and I really don’t want to see my mommy crying again. I don’t want to see her hurting again. To be honest, that is the part of my life that I want to bury. Bakit kailangan pa ulit hukayin? Kaya Lolo, please help me. Please guide Daddy in the right path. Please Lolo, I am begging you. Baka makinig po sa inyo si daddy. Kasi sinabihan ko na siya pero ito na naman. Lolo, I am not asking for a perfect father. All I’m asking is a loyal father who only loves his family. Iyon lang, mahirap po ba iyon?

Lolo, alam niyo na before that everything happened, I dreamed of marrying a man just like daddy in the future. But seeing what is happening in the present, I am starting to put this dream in the past. Sa totoo lang po, napapaisip na ako kung dapat bang tumandang dalaga na lang ako or look for a man who is a total opposite of my daddy.

Love ko po si daddy, Lolo. Pero itong ginagawa niya, nagiging rason ‘to para may mabuong galit. I’m sorry Lolo. I know he is your son and he is my father but still, I am a human being. I feel pain.

I think ito po ang una kong pagkausap sa inyo. I’m sorry for being a bad apo. I hope you know that you are always in my heart. And I really don’t know who I can’t talk to. I should wish to God pero kayo po talaga naisip ko na perfect na pagsabihan nito besides God po.

Thank you Lolo sa pakikinig.

Love,

Abby

[avtifulchaos]

I want to be free

I want to be free from worrying

I want to be free from shaming

I want to be free from thinking

I want to be free from them

How I wish this end already

But the situation is not letting me

All I’m asking in the day of freedom

Is I want to be free too

Call me selfish

But it is selfish to ask for happiness?

[avtifulchaos]

In 1 or 2 months, I’ll have my masteral.

In 5 or 6 months, I’ll be in Canada.

In 7 or 8 months, I’ll be a student again and study film while working on weekends.

In 2 or 3 years, I’ll have another bachelor degree. And this time, I’ll start looking for a job. I’ll start as a p.a. in a tv show or films.

In 4 years, I’ll try to write scripts. It maybe for a tv show or movies.

In 7 or 8 years, I’ll be a director.

I have this elaborate plan. This is what I’m planning for the first few months of 2020. This is what I want to do in the future. But because of this CoVid-19, this plan is somehow will be on hold. This virus is not only killing the people but it is also killing the dreams of people. It does not only affect the dead but also the alive people. I wish this ends already because I’m not planning to end my dreams.

Corona, please stop already. 😔

[avtifulchaos]

The answer to “Why this is so hard?”

No, I will not resolve your problems in life. I’m not God. I will just try to explain why we end up saying this question every time you complain doing something you can’t accomplish.

I have two answer for that question. First, it is something new. Something that you first time to do. Of couse, it is hard. Doing something you never done before is a big adjustment for you. But never end up with that question. Because eventually, you will improve. You just need time. Not every thing is instant. You have to work hard.

And what if you are doing it for the long time and yet, you keep asking yourself that question. Maybe you need more time to practice. After all, practice makes perfect. Or maybe, you don’t like what you are doing and this is the second answer.

I can testify my own experience. I am currently a secretary on this office. I answer calls and emails. I log every incoming ang outgoing documents. I set meetings. I do some personal things for my boss (not sexual, fyi. ewww). For almost two years, I’m still having difficulties. I am used to my work but I’m still having a hard time. I know I have do my best. But it’s really hard when you do things out of obligation than passion. Its okay if you are in stuck in this kind of situation like me. Sometimes we have no choice but to deal what’s in front of us. Its okay. Deal some other time on what you truly desire

You may find yourself in any of these two reasons. But you have to know that you are there for a reason. As long as you live, you will encouter problems. But don’t let it stop you. Make one problems stop. Then, proceed to the next challenges and never stop until you are in a coffin.

[avtifulchaos]

They rather be silent than be sorry.

[avtifulchaos]

Believe that one day, you can fly. Not on the same place but in a place you want to be. You’ll get there, self.

[avtifulchaos]

To my favorite stranger,

Everytime we crossed path

You walked as if I don't exist

Every time I see you

You never smile like before

-

What happened?

Am I being obvious?

Am I being annoying?

Or just being dramatic?

-

After all,

We are in the same company

But different department

Just happened to see once in a while

-

So maybe that's the answer

Maybe I'm just a stranger to you

And not a favorite stranger

[avtifulchaos]

Because whatever I do, I will never be enough

AE

[avtifulchaos]

Haiku 9

Look at the garbage

Just worthless and not useful

Oh hey, it's a mirror

[avtifulchaos]

Haiku 8

I tried everything

But do you know what happened?

Its still you, stranger

[avtifulchaos]

Stranger

You are just a stranger

A stranger that I saw once in a while

Those smile

Those good afternoons that you said

You are just a stranger

So it means nothing

Then suddenly, everything change

Those smile that makes me smile

Those good afternoon that makes my afternoon good

And now I see every details of you

Those perfect set of teeth

Your tan color

How you walk

Your height

Thin lips

Big eyes

Oh stranger

You are getting too much space in my head

And I think even my heart

Its getting scary

I have no idea of you

Not even your name

After all, you are still a stranger

My favorite stranger

[avtifulchaos]

So I have no rights for my own emotion?

AE

[avtifulchaos]

Haiku 7

a lovely woman

beautiful inside and out

and you're my grandma

[avtifulchaos]

Haiku 6

season of giving

yet a cruel heart of you

its time of sadness

[avtifulchaos]

Haiku 5

a sea full of fish

yet you haven't found the one

where are you my fish?