“There’s great power in letting go, and great freedom in moving on.”
Dear Grandma:
Today, as your spirit and love is celebrated for yet another year, I wanted to take some time to write you. Sometimes, it is still such a struggle to accept you are no longer a text or phone call away. There are so many questions I have, where I secretly wish you could present yourself in a form that would allow me the opportunity to do so. Like, how does it feel to be pain-free? Did you look cancer in the eye? Did you smile as you left your bodily temple? Is Heaven real? Is the freedom all you ever imagined it would be? Have you seen your parents…and Uncle Chad?
It’s been six month since I carried your body to the grave. At times, I get so angry at cancer for eating at your body. I keep trying to tell myself it was for a reason, but get so angry again questioning why it had to happen at all. I still get selfish at times, wishing I could have you by my side. Each time I came to visit you and Grandpa since 2003, the time never felt like enough. I always wanted more. If cancer would not have taken over your body, I could have had a few more years to spend with you. I know you suffered, but you took the pain and smiled through it all. It was so unfair, but you were such a fighter. You were so strong, no matter the cost.
Whenever I’m asked about my ‘story’ on coming out, I think about how you stood up for me and my sexuality, and how amazing your love was for me. You were the family I hid from for so many years. There are nights I lie awake, wishing I could see your smile again. Your smile brightened my day. Your embrace gave me strength. You taught me how to carry on. You taught me real love existed. Your love, it literally saved my life. You were my hero. I miss you so much, it hurts. As much as it hurts, I try to persevere through the pain remembering your body at the gravesite is not where it ended. I believe I will see you again.
I believe when your moment of freedom came to take you away, you were able to leave saying, “I owned every second of that battle cancer threw at me, because I loved unconditionally. This is my moment of freedom. I still won. I have lived.” I only hope when my moment comes, I’ll be able to say I lived. Until then, please be my guide. Let me feel your spirit surrounding me when I’m so confused. Let me feel your love when I’m down. Live through me.
I love you.
[“We’re born. We grow. We live. We die. If we’re lucky, we have friends and family who know us and love us.” I was lucky to have an amazing role model. Now wherever I go, whatever I do, I can know your spirit is alive…in my heart.]
