[axtrn]

7.20.23

today i’m feeling emptier than normal.

i’m going to be honest. i don’t want to let you go. i don’t want you to continue to grow without me. i don’t want you to find someone else. i don’t want to know that i couldn’t have your time but someone else will.

i’m sad. i love you sm, i miss you.

it’s hitting now & i’m drowning in this emptiness. i feel like a part of me is missing, it’s you. it’s always been you.

i lied to myself to be strong but i’m not. you’ll never see this, you’ll never know how i truly feel.

i will continue to act strong so you don’t feel guilty for not prioritizing me but it’s so hard.

[axtrn]

7.19.23

i still think about you a lot. i think about where you might be working rn, if you’re fixing up your house, playing games, sleeping, etc. i miss the way i learned new music from you. i anticipate when i will be able to see you again, whether it’s the moments you have free time you come see miso, or when it’s we see each other at camping. i miss you.

[axtrn]

7.10.23

my long awaited post. it’s been 3 days & honestly i’m doing fine, i haven’t cried since i left, i haven’t felt barcode vibes, i don’t feel bad about myself at all.

ITS STRANGE. ITS WEIRD.

he told me straight forward and let me make the decision. as hard as it was to leave, i knew i wouldn’t be satisfied/fulfilled if i stayed. i just would’ve been there.

i wonder if i made the right choice, should i continue to support him and stay quiet about it or should i continue to walk down my own path. did he ask me and expect me to stay? should i have stayed? do all my thoughts make sense? is it wrong of me to ask him to stay in my life? i thought i didn’t have any “what ifs” but here they are

[axtrn]

the more i self reflect, the more it pisses me tf off. it honestly shouldn’t be like that at all

[axtrn]

6.16.22

growing up i remember spending a lot of time with my grandma, cousins, my sister, & my dad. my mom was there - she worked a lot and deep down i never knew the reason why. why does she work so much but where does that money go. my dad always claimed he paid the bills and do i know if he’s lying or telling the truth? no, i’ll never know. all i knew that growing up, i have my mom but i didn’t have my mom.

my family doesn’t communicate with one another. my parents don’t communicate with their children and they certainly don’t show their feelings to us. they always had something to say but never anything to say at the same time - confusing right?

but yesterday, my mom apologized for being a distant mother. i’m a lot older now & i realize that it’s a shame that sickness brought this family closer but couldn’t be more thankful that we are still together.

i love my parents and especially my mom. thank you for all that you do. before i never made a hard choice because i knew how it would destroy her and i’m grateful that i didn’t.

i still get super negative and depressed sometimes. i haven’t told anyone. i cried to javi when he was opening up and if i told my close friends how i felt - would they accept me or would they tell me i’m selfish?

[axtrn]

later i feel so bad if i have to leave javi while he sleeps. he been rlly cute lol

[axtrn]

i understand i’m sick, i understand i can’t do it alone. but i miss my freedom. i feel like i just started college again and that wasn’t fun.

[axtrn]

this how yesterday’s conversation went. he adorably said

J: “you’re the first person i’ve gonna hit a year with.”

A: “that’s not true, you dated angie for a year”

J: “we broke up at 11 months”

A “we barely reached 11 months wym”

J: “wdym we’re gonna hit a year. i’m getting you a gift for our one year”

[axtrn]

kinda sucks how we don’t talk outside of when we spend time together, feels lonely

i’m not used to it, but it’s supposed to be healthy right?

[axtrn]

finally back at home now that javi has moved out. it’s only been an hour and a half and i’m feeling depressed and cut off from everyone. ha ha ha 🥲 why am i like this

[axtrn]

why am i convincing myself that i’m unloved

[axtrn]

i didn’t realize i was this bad at communicating or making choices 🥲

this adding onto my insecurities fml 😭

am i worth it at this point

[axtrn]

i haven’t enjoyed something as much as i enjoyed snowboarding but javi be talking about me like i really suck 🥲. i must really actually suck 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲

fuck what i enjoy, it’s bout skill 😗✌🏼

[axtrn]

i think i figured it out. i’m feeling empty inside bc i feel so much guilt towards javie. i feel super bad for getting him sick, for ruining his weekend, for being selfish, ignorant, etc.

i can’t seem to do anything right. i was so selfish to spend time with him that i hadn’t realized what was at stake (his health). these things happen but i kinda ruined his weekend, something he was looking forward to.

i can’t keep being selfish but how can i find a balance between being selfish & not being taken advantage of.

he’s not taking advantage of me, more me taking advantage of him at times. but my willingness to do whatever it makes me happy. it’s kinda hard to explain but maybe working will help ease my mind off things. i’m overthinking everything & it’s putting me in a rut.

[axtrn]

i’m in the trenches.

when will i stop feeling like this. i feel worthless, non important, too much, just so negative today. i feel like the problem. i could use a hug rn 🥲

i don’t know what it is but i hate myself (-:

[axtrn]

i feel so bad for getting javie sick before his snowboarding trip 🥲.

i didn’t think i was sick til he started getting sick. i thought i was just super congested bc i sleep with my window open.

it’s rlly time to learn some self control & stop indulging myself. i feel super bad 😢

[axtrn]

i’m gonna try n learn some self control bc i don’t want him thinking i only want sex. but it’s so hard since he be teasing me all the time, and he’s just so damn irresistible 🥲.

but i can do it, i’ll learn some self control 🥲