anais ❤️ @aymariposilla - Tumblr Blog

My beautiful darling girl. 12 days in the world.

いい時間　月桃膝 261/365

September. Patience.

My son's favorite word is "friendship", my most despised is "family". The meaning shifting as we oscillate between two worlds again:

I'm waiting and asking myself "Am I ready? Does everything feel ready?" But then Areli got sick and my Dad just tested positive for Covid. Again the stark reminder of how dark things can get here. A simple invisible virus.

In the fishbowl, the air is not clean, happiness is not a guarantee, freedom is not truly free. The culture is toxic, the culture is also colorful but at what cost? Where does it heal? Deep down everyone is struggling here. I have more white hairs that I've pulled out constantly in the past few months. Healthcare, politics, holding a pepper spray tube while I'm alone with my kids. Children can be children only with exceptions. I watch on the screen other children whose lives mean the end, living in a country that feeds into it.

Then there is judgement and I am concerned for the ignorance of the judger. In a place that pushes them unknowingly down. Finding value in the wrong places, with time wasted. I know this and I watch, slowly get sucked in to. So now I ask what would I choose now. What can I do

torreyseabolt

Groningen, Netherlands. 2016

huariqueje

Zwanestraat in December , Groningen - Hans Versfelt , 2022.

Dutch , b. 1968 -

Oil on canvas , 110 x 80 cm

huariqueje

Groningen Sky - Rutger Hiemstra

Dutch, b. 1975 - Oil on panel , 60 x 62 cm.

hisell

margotfonteyns

“My film At Land … opens with a scene in which the girl is thrown up on the beach by the sea. She is not drowned; rather, the scene implies a birth or passage from one element into another.” – Maya Deren

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I love reminding myself there is no audience to perform for.

I'm pregnant, 32 weeks. That's T-minus 7-8 weeks left before she arrives. I'm exhausted, extremely exhausted. I have an entire summer that at least has been fairly pleasant with weather and luckily not as brutal as years before in L.A. I fear the scorching type of weather. Maybe I need a change of routine too. I feel that I am missing some essential things in my diet or sleep. The past two summers Areli spent working on his doctorate now. I felt tired then because of the anxiety and plans upcoming with his employment ending and the kids being home 24/7. The good thing about being here this time, as opposed to Copenhagen which was nice, is that the kids have had opportunities to be in summer programs funded due to our financial situation. I got a break sort of. But it's been mentally stressful settling down because we don't have anywhere to settle down after the fires here. It's hard to get acclimated back here. Then comes fall...

The baby will arrive in September. We will be exhausted then too. We will be in an Airbnb with a newborn. How strange that is. There will be no nursery but that's okay, we never had a nursery for the kids. I'm supposed to be planning and prepping. The kids and their lives will adjust to the change of a new sibling. I have to accept this change as much as I hate it. I have to accept that my life will have to go through a period again of being back here with my family because it's necessary and because the universe for some odd reason has kept us here for now. There will be opportunities to find a new normal we're happy with.

I have to embrace this period in my life. I will remember this. I don't even think it's possible to fly back with a newborn anyway. The kids are growing up. I need to be able to find myself in the chaos with a newborn and the kids being homeschooled, Areli finding his place after he graduates. This is temporary because we do want to leave and we will make sure of it, just not now.

It's all just hanging in the air.

At this moment, I feel lost.

Not lost in the sense that I feel full at heart because I am but

Because it's been difficult navigating moving along and losing our normal everyday routine in the Netherlands, the sense of peace we had for some time in comparison to the one back here in Cali that set all our plans literally a blaze

It's tragedy marked by tragedy here

A reminder of what we were running from but we are not blinded and dream of our next flight back...