Dreamer @ayyramay - Tumblr Blog

I wish I have someone who I can talk too when ever my mind is in chaos. Someone who will not judge me of being me. I remember a qoute I read that says, "Name a thing that you wish you can have/keep now that you are adult." And for me, that one is my doll. Because growing up, my doll is my obly playment that I have. And now that I am an adult, I really wish that I have bestfriend who I can talk to. Si Lord na lang siguro ang gawin kong bestfriend, alam naman na nya lahay.

I am not okay right now. I wish I have someone I can talk to.

Sorry for the times that I feel like giving up, for being so lazy. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or enough. Maybe there are times when we feel like we are just floating, and we don't know where we are going. I hope life is just simple and happy. Just like fairy tales or fantasy, we just need to meet our Prince Charming and live happily ever after. But I know that life is not like that. If you want to live a simple and happy life, you need to fight for it. You need to chase what will satisfy your soul. You need to face your fear and learn to dance with the demons in your head. Cry if you want to, because you are human and you have emotions that you need to feel.

And today, I am sorry because I feel like shit, and my mind is spiraling. I feel like I want to run and disappear. I hope to do better tomorrow.

Will you forgive me for today? For not doing things that I need to do.

I know that things are getting better; I just need to push myself more.

I have to do it even if I don't know what will happen. It is tiring, but I have to do it for me to move forward with my life. To experience the life that I want. I just have to be comfortable with the discomfort.

I wish to end it, but I can't 'couse I know someone wishes to have another day, and someone wishes to have a better life. I will live for them and be better.

I don't know anymore...

I feel like I need to cry, but I can't, so I will just say it here. For days, months, or a year, I felt that I had failed terribly in life. I don't know what I wanted to do; I just wanted to run and go elsewhere. I thought leaving my old job would give me the freedom to do what I want in life. At first, it was good, but after a year. I felt stuck, and I don't know what to do anymore. The spark that I have before leaving my old job was gone. The plans I had planned were hard to execute anymore. And I don't think I am capable of doing anything anymore.

I just want to be happy, and it was so hard to do. I just want to live and feel the life that I wanted. I don't know if I can recover from this. It was so dark that my faith in Him is the only thing that I am holding on to. That anytime soon I will snap, and I don't think I can control or stop it anymore. But I really want to fight and live this life. I want to see the end of it. I really want to be happy. I want to try baking a sourdough. I want to plant vegetables and fruits that I like to eat, and to keep chickens and dogs. Cook the foods that I wanted, even if I was not good at it. I want to make a mistake without being afraid.

I want to make it. I want to survive. I want to live. I really, really want to be happy. And I am afraid right now, and He is my only hope. Please hold me 'til I can.

Angry daughter

I am lucky to have my parents and sister who try to love me even if I am hard to understand. I know that I am the problem, and I am trying to work on it. I am very sorry because they have to deal with me. I pray that in time. I can change and be a better person for them. I want to love them in different ways that they deserve.

xoxo

Going 30's

A few more weeks from now, I'll be in my 30's. Still single, living with my parents, and unemployed. But I am hoping that in my 30's I will conquer those problems. That while I am navigating my 30's, I am also resolving those problems and rediscovering myself.

This new era in my life will bring more growth, bravery, and happiness. I know it will happen because I will leave a life that He is center of it.

xoxo

Other Lifetime

When you find yourself in a situation that is not in your favor, we often say, "Maybe in another lifetime," or "In another universe or parallel universe." I've read this quote saying, 'What if there is no other lifetime or parallel universe, that you only have this lifetime to do the things you love to do, or this is the only lifetime you have to love that person. What will you do?'

Sometimes we let go of the dreams that we want in ourselves because we hope that maybe in another lifetime or in our parallel universe, we will have them. But what if this is the only life that we will leave? What will you do to achieve those dreams of yours? Will you be afraid to do it, or will you take a chance even though there is a possibility that you will make a mistake and get hurt?

Life is full of chances and mistakes that we have to live with, and it is in our hands whether the courses we take make the most of it. And always choose to be happy, even in small things. Always be grateful for the life that He gave.

xoxo

Don't be ready for him. Make him do the work; you just go with the flow. Don't try to carry the conversation; it should be a give-and-take. And lastly, don't pressure yourself.

Slow living

It was hard to choose what you really want, more so, it was harder to start again when you are in your late 20s. There will be times you'll overthink things or wonder if you made the right decision. But just like what they said, do it, just do it, even if it is hard and you are scared to fail. You will never know what will happen; either you will win, or you will learn. Just fight for the things that you want and will make you happy. If you fail, learn from it and try again until you achieve your goal. Because, along the way, you will discover many things about yourself and the things that will make you happy.

But for now, feel the emotions that you are feeling. Leave slowly and be happy for the small things that are happening to you. Big or small, always celebrate it. And if you fail, cry and learn from it because that is how life is.

And always be kind to yourself, because if you're kinder to yourself, it will show to other people. And don't forget to thank Him.

xoxo

Even the Strongest...

How can you say that the one who takes their life doesn't believe in God, or that they have weak faith? Didn't you think about how many times they pray just to be okay? Or, how many times do they cry out loud just so the pain will go away? You don't, we don't.

They say when you take your own life, you will not go to heaven. And I hope that is not true. Just because they choose to do that, that doesn't mean they don't want to leave their life. I know at some point, they have a tiny hope in their heart that they wish to live and be happy. It's just that they reach a point where they can't control what they are thinking, and even that tiny hope can't do anything anymore.

I hope and pray that God will embrace them, because that is what they need.

xoxo

Let It Go

It felt so easy and at peace that even if it was hard to face, you still dared to move forward. You don't have to take a big step to reach your dream; sometimes, small steps are enough to take you to what you want to be. Just always show up, even if you are not at one hundred percent ready. Even your ten percent is enough for you to show up because the remaining ninety percent is your faith in Him.

As they said, if it's meant for you, it will find you.

xoxo

Paano Ba 'To "Take Risks and Fail"

"You are where you are meant to be at every point because that will lead you to where you're supposed to be eventually". -Ms. B

"Do it! It's as simple as that. Do it. But also give yourself even more permission to fail, because if you are going to take on something new, the learning curve will probably be LONGER and TOUGHER. It might just be the most difficult thing you'll ever take on." -Baus

"Anti-fragility - you still fail forward... Okay. This is a failure, but it's still a forward momentum."

Always know that whatever you do, it is you who will benefit from it. So do it anyway. Make a mistake, but don't forget to learn from it. Always be hungry on learning something that will help you grow as the person you want. And always...always pray to Him.

xoxoxo

Afraid

Sometimes I am afraid that I won't make it, or the things that I am working on will fail. And it scared the shit out of me. I think that I am not good at everything that I do. Every time I felt this kind of feeling, I always felt discouraged. I want to fight it, but sometimes it feels so disheartening that I can't think straight. I feel like it was all on me that it is because I didn't give my all.

Currently, I'm unsure of what to do. I feel like I was running in a field with no way to go. I was uncertain, so I was thinking about whether I would make it or not. I just pray to God that He will be more patient with me, and He will give me more strength to face it.

xoxo

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