Do you trust me?
The first time Harry asked me out, I honestly didn’t believe his intentions were to date me. It was impossible for me to fathom what had gone through Harry’s big head to want to talk with me. As we got closer I tried not to let myself believe he was slightly interested in me. There was no way that someone like him could be into someone like me. Yet, it became increasingly hard not to wonder where things were headed when he kept wanting to see me.
When he finally asked me to be his girlfriend I couldn’t really believe it. It all felt like a massive joke from the universe. I was ready for Harry to burst out laughing, telling me he couldn’t believe that I actually thought he liked me. In the beginning of our relationship, it was easy to keep my thoughts to myself, the intensity of our relationship deleting any doubts I had.
As we got more serious, however, it became increasingly difficult to keep some thoughts to myself. I quickly learned just how open about his life Harry was. He would so easily tell me every thought in his head whether it was something that had happened to him that day or an insecurity he struggled with in the past. I was left being unable to reciprocate that same level of emotional vulnerability.
He never pushed, but I could tell he was starting to get frustrated from how closed off I was. As much as I wanted to trust him, I feared that once he learned how mentally fucked up I was he would runoff. The longer we were together the more I feared he would realize I wasn’t the person he wanted in his life.
There I stood near baggage claim waiting for Harry to return to LA from his latest European event. all the while my thoughts kept going back to these insecurities.
Quickly, I scanned at the group of girls who were eagerly waiting for Harry’s arrival, hoping for just a mere glance at him. They were all pretty young, but my gaze lingered on the group of girls who were most definitely in their 20s. Three of them. They were tall, skinny, little things and they exuded confidence that I could only ever hope to have.
Harry could easily fall for one of them. I wrapped my arms around my chest, all of a sudde aware of myself and my body.
The instant shrill screams of the small group notified me on Harry’s arrival. I lingered behind with Pete, the security guard Harry had sent with me, to give Harry an opportunity to greet his eager fans.
Once I caught sight of Harry everything I had been worrying about disappeared. A small smile made its way across my lips seeing the gangly British boy with a giant grin on his face. He happily greeted his fans, taking his time with each of them.
With a single flip of his hair sent the girls in a fit of giggles, making me roll my eyes at the cheeky bastard. Signing some autographs and taking pictures here and there he made his way through the crowd. He finally approached the last group and unwillingly my smile faltered. My mind immediately started to overthink every little interaction he had with them.
Look at the way he’s laughing with them.
Look at how his hand is lingering on the girl’s small waist.
Look at how he’s smiling. Does he ever smile that big with you?
Being the jealous girlfriend was something I never wanted to be, but my insecurities seemed to dictate my emotions a lot more than I could control.
I wanted nothing more than to leave but I didn’t want to cause a scene, he would definitely see Pete follow me out. A few stray tears leaked onto my cheek and I quickly wiped them away before he could see.
That’s when he finally spotted me and grin that I did not deserve spread through his face.
He excused himself from the group and turned his direction towards me. He quickened his pace to a small jog and I couldn’t help but run into his waiting arms. His arms engulfed me in a hug, my face immediately dug into his neck, taking in his scent. More tears escaped from my eyes, but these were different kinds of tears.
I was the first to break from his hug and he followed suit by kissing my forehead, my cheek, my nose, and finally my eyes. “Harry,” I giggled pushing him back to avoid further PDA.
“God I missed you,” he exhaled, looking straight into my eyes. His hand cupped my cheek, his thumb wiping away the few tears under my eyes. His smile dropped, “what’s wrong love?”
I shook my head, all my previous insecurities seemed to have disappeared. “Just missed you,” my voice faltering as I tried to restrain myself from crying.
“You guys are so cute,” I turned to see one of the older girls call out as they stood there some of them with their phones out, pointing their cameras towards us. I bit my lower lip as some of my previous thoughts came rushing back.
“Ready?” Harry asked snapping me out of my state, I nodded. With our hands intertwined he led the way to the car that was awaiting his arrival to take us back to his place.
“Mind if we go to your place?” He asked laying down on the seat and resting his head on my lap. I was slow to process his question as my mind still lingered on my previous thought.
“Huh?” I couldn’t look at him.
He quickly sat back up. “Love?”
I could feel my eyes start to water once again, and I dared not look at him. “Yea sure,” I responded to his previous question, staring out the window.
He didn’t press anymore, and the car ride to my place was quiet and tense. As soon as we arrived I quickly opened the car door, not waiting for him. I grabbed my keys out of my purse to open the door to my apt. I held the elevator as Harry lagged probably instructing the driver to take his suitcase back to his hotel.
He approached but didn’t enter the elevator. I heard him sigh and I finally looked at him, but instantly regretted it. He looked deep in thought, and a bit… angry?
“Do you want me to come in?” He asked looking down at the ground with his hand in his pockets.
His questions startled me. “Of course-“
“Cuz if it’s a bother I don’t have to-“
“I never-“
“You don’t have to.”
So this was us fighting. How did we get here?
“Harry I-“
“I think we should talk.” We said at the same time, but I stopped as soon as I processed what he had just said. I nodded, not looking up at his face as he entered the elevator and pressed the number to my floor.
We walked to my apartment in silence.
I opened the door and let him enter first. He turned on the lights. “Are your roommates-“
“No,” I responded shutting the door behind me. He nodded and lingered at the kitchen bar. I watched him as he grabbed an apple from the fruit bar and began to play with it.
My heart pounded as I waited for him to utter the words I had been waiting for since he had asked me to be his girlfriend.
“(y/n),” he never used my name, I could see it coming.
“If you’re gonna rip the bandaid, just rip it off Harry,” I was getting impatient and all I wanted was for him to leave so I could lock myself in my room and wallow in my own self-pity.
He looked puzzled. “What?”
“If you’re breaking up with me-“
Comprehension dawned on his face. “Break up with you? (y/n) why would you- that’s not…” he sighed rubbing his face with his hand.
He put the apple back into the fruit bowl and walked up to me grabbing both of my hands. “ (Y/N) look at me.” I kept my gaze down. “Please,” he begged and I did.
As I looked up I saw the sad look in his eyes and my heart broke. I had caused him to be sad. “You can’t keep shutting me out,” he mustered out.
“I’m not,” I denied looking down again.
He groaned letting go of my hands. “There it is… again.” He was trying not to raise his voice and I realized I couldn’t keep doing this to him.
“I’m scared,” I whispered out, collapsing onto the couch and burying my face into my hands.
“Scared? Scared of what that I don’t understand?” I felt the dip of the couch and finally his hand on my knee.
“That you’ll leave Harry… that you’ll find out how insecure and broken I am and won’t want to deal with it!” I could feel my body shaking as I finally began to let out my emotions. I closed my eyes and breathed out as a few stray tears escaped, I quickly wiped them away.
With his hand on my cheek, he turned my face towards him. once again his thumb swiped underneath my eyes to wipe away the few remaining tears. His other hand found my own and he intertwined them. “That’s what a relationship is love… you have to trust that I love you enough to want to stay through the good and the bad.”
A laugh escaped my lips, he blinked perplexed at my sudden outburst.
“What?” His eyebrows knit together, puzzled.
Those three little words, I thought I’d never hear. “Y-you love me?” It dawned on him what he had let slip, his eyes widened in realization and he cursed under his breath. He stood up all of a sudden and started pacing.
“Shit, this isn’t- that wasn’t…” He sputtered out.
“I love you too.” He stopped pacing, looking back at me. “And maybe I’m not the best at expressing it but it’s only cuz I feel like I don’t deserve you.” I began to ramble.
“(y/n)-“
“No, let me finish. You’re right… I-I need to open up more, tell you about how I’m feeling. But that’s never been. Fuck, Harry at my house my parents hit me with a shoe if started to cry,” I laugh darkly remembering all the times I had to suppress how I was feeling knowing how my dad would react.
He tried approaching but I held my hand up. “And it’s fine it was never that serious. The point is we don’t talk about our feelings and I’ve always been okay with that. But you’re right, you’re right if I wanna show that I love you and trust you I have to tell you how I feel.” A small smile appeared as he heard me say those words again.
“I feel like I don’t deserve you. And maybe I do deserve you I don’t know, but I just see your life and all the wonderful people around you and I think… how could a guy this in love with lifelike someone like me, someone who’s as pessimistic and dark as I am. Someone who just brings you down… I feel like I don’t deserve you and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. But I’m too selfish to let you go…”
He stood silent for a while processing everything that had just come out of my mouth, it wasn’t nearly everything I needed to get out, but it was all that I was comfortable with for now.
Again he tried approaching me but looked at me for permission and I nodded. He sat down next to me and engulfed me in his arms and the tears just kept coming.
“Thank you. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know how you’ve been feeling.” I nodded, sniffling a bit. “Don’t deserve me…” he chuckled, looking into my eyes. “I don’t think I deserve you.”
It was my turn to laugh. “I’m serious. You’re smart and beautiful, and the way you put everything aside for those you care about. Your smile could turn anyone’s day into the best, and despite going through a bad day you still try and make sure those around you are having a better day.”
I could feel myself getting hot and I was pretty sure I was blushing from all his sweet words. “My point is you’re not the only one with those insecurities. But if it’s a problem I want to know about them and maybe we can get through them… together. And I want you to let me know if it ever gets bad again.”
I let out a deep breath as I finally began to feel okay. I grabbed Harry’s hand with my own and leaned my forehead on his. “Thank you. Thank you for being patient, for listening, and for just- for loving me.”
He grinned and kissed the tip of my nose. “Thank you for loving me.” I bit my lower lip, Harry was usually always the one who initiated our kisses, but maybe it was time I accepted that he truly did love me and I didn’t have to stop myself from showing him that I loved him.
So I tore my hand from his and wrapped them around his neck and let my lips meet his.
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So this is my first attempt in a long time to write something. Feel free to tell me what you liked, didn’t like, something I should work on. Also if you like my work, let me know so I can continue writing. Excited to start writing again.
