A Healing I didn't know I needed
Warning, this is a bit more personal than Mommy intended to ever be on the internets, but for some reason, I feel a calling to put this out for others who might get a little healing from it as well.
For some reason, when I woke up this morning, I felt the urge to write about the healing that I have gotten from being someone's mommy. For the fact that truly living and feeling so connected to another human in a particular dynamic could bring healing to a spot that was, prior, such a giant chasm in my soul. One so deep that if I truly acknowledged how deep it was, it might rip my soul in two, so I did what many of us do and boxed it up, covered it in mental concrete, and sank it to the bottom of the ocean, inside where you put things you worry might end you if you face it head on.
To tell this story, I have to go way, way back in time and give a little bit of context. When Mommy was a Little Little girl (like maybe 8? ), she had a dream of herself, as a big girl, taking care of a Baby. Only, they were not a Little Baby. She doted on them and did all of the things for them, and her heart would swell with adoration over her Baby and pride over the fact that she had a Baby and that she was taking such good care of them. And then, Mommy would wake up, and she would think "What a Silly Dream!" and go find the doll she was obsessed with, any carry on about her day.
The only odder thing was that this dream would appear even as Mommy grew up, not really changing (except for the age of Mommy to match her current age). Mommy would always wake up and think "What a Silly Dream!" (although the sentiment evolved over the years to sound a bit different). Mommy knew nothing of the kink world and kept wondering WHY the dream wouldn't just go away.
Mommy found the fetish world officially as a place to call home about a year and a half ago, admittedly and cringeworthy, through Instagram where she bumped into foot fetish work to make a few rapidly approaching and screaming ends meet. And then, one day, mommy got brave on Reddit and decided to see if ANYONE might relate to her dream, so she typed in "adult babies". Amazingly, an entire world popped up. I always say that I felt like a cross between Alice in Wonderland and Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz suddenly.
What I didn't know was that the Universe was sending me on a healing journey I did not know I needed so badly. We have to skip ahead to a more modern Mommy in 2018 when Mommy was 39, to tell this part of the story. Once upon a time, Mommy was married. Mommy had ALWAYS wanted children and she and her husband had decided to do IVF. Even though mommy's container is a bit different, it did not mean that she couldn't have kiddos. Her soul was always yearning for them - she's been the Auntie to so many friends' kids, her real nephew, and quasi caretaker to hundreds of others as a real-life teacher for many years - but she desperately wanted them of her own. To spoil them, to give them traditions, and teach them how to be good, kind humans to others. To show them structure and the kind of love that does not leave when it is time for Mommy to be done here. To leave someone who truly remembers and cherishes me and feels that their life has fingerprints of me all over it. Not from a selfish spot, but from the fact that I felt - and shared with another -- joy and peace and belief in themselves.
And so, Mommy went through months of shots, egg retrievals, and all of the things and at the end of it had 3 little possibilities of someone officially calling me Mommy. Each time it was time to try it was a mix of joy and terror because there was so much riding on it working. And 3 times, it did not, and the doctors could never say why, as everything seemed perfectly fine and in good working order. The last time I got to think this was working for a whole 6 weeks, until Mommy woke up feeling very, very bad and knew that it was over.
Mommy has been through LOTS of tough stuff that might have broken a "normal" human over the years, so she did what she does and mentally boxed all the feelings up, covered them in concrete, and dropped them into her ocean. She boxed the baby clothes she couldn't look at and hid the pictures of the embryos as deep as she could in her faraway closet because I could NEVER throw them away. She gave herself a week to cry, in private, and went back to her daily life. The slight burn that she couldn't stave off just became a companion, and over time, her sparkles returned. Failed IVF, heck, just IVF, the secret that she didn't share except for the very select few who knew.
Now, back to Modern times, Mommy has found the ABDL community and realized that she has a knack for this a bit. She has met some amazing friends and enjoys being around people who feel safe and play with her. I love that I can be a face in the crowd, without judgment, who can listen to your silly stories or compliment coloring. I adore humans and most especially watching them immerse themselves in the freedoms of no responsibilities. In times where nothing is an emergency or extremely urgent, and if there is something -- the Big People handle it (and you most certainly AREN'T big enough for all that...) Two hours at an event or a weekend long. I watched people thrive and live their best lives. And little did I know, Mommy's pain box wasn't quite so tied to the trench in her internal ocean anymore. She was able to say out loud again that she hoped to leave a Little with memories.
December of last year, the Universe decided to hand me something I did not yet know what it was going to be, and decided to make it's enterance funny when I got an email from someone asking me which part of a snail I'd rather be. Not an attempt at a pick up or anything, just an acknowledgement of shared interest and a hello that I could ignore if I liked. What I also didn't know is that they were silently sawing the ropes lose on my "baby that never was" box and sending it to the top of the ocean surfaces (jackasses btw!).
@diaperedandforgotten is my little lightning in the bottle. A healing I never thought I'd have (or maybe be deserving of if I'm being totally honest). While with others in the scene, I can play a Mommy (and don't get me wrong,I do care and am immersed in the moments we share), THIS is a healing soul tie. When she calls me mommy, looks up at me, or needs a change -- I AM Mommy. I know, with every bit of me, when there is no more me, my fingerprints will still be all over her Soul. This is the dream come to pass from eons ago, I could just never understand that this journey had another name that would be pivotal to my journey -- and it would be called healing. I never would have dreamed this up if was to tell you the story of my life -- and I would never give up this path if you offered me a zillion bucks.
@diaperedandforgotten gave me a Mother's Day card and I cried. Not out of sadness, but out of happiness and joy that I am, finally and truly, someone's Mommy...
This is way longer than I ever intended it to be, but a few words I want to leave you with if you made it this far:
Don't shame others for the way they are wired. It's not always sexual. No, we are not deviant or pedophiles. Some of us can't explain what led us here and feel equally odd saying "it all started with a dream..."
Everyone has their quirks, and something that looks odd to you may be something that heals something in them. Just remember the mantra "If you can't say anything nice..."
The Universe has your back and works in very mysterious -- sometimes long game-oriented ways.
All this to say to all the Bigs and Littles on their journey of Life -- be open to Magic and healing. It may come in the most unexpected ways. I see you and know that it can be scary to unlock the doors and needs that you are terrified you might not be able to suppress again if they are let loose.
If this touches a spot in you, please know that I will always be a safe space and open door.
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