You may think I am anti-social. Let me tell you the truth, I did not choose to be anti-social. In fact, I hate it. I have been home nearly everyday, even weekends for over a year. I’m also unemployed unable to get a job, so I am literally home everyday. It is very rare for me to be asked to go out somewhere. I have basically no one to ask for catch up or whatever beside one friend, whom is typically busy. Being alone has caused my shyness to increase dramatically. I find it extremely hard to leave home, my safe place. Because I fear to feel judged by many people, left alone as no one ever wanted to talk to me, (unless I make the effort but it’s always awkward as I can’t keep the conversation going and I will eventually feel stupid) and I have to go home early because I’m alone with big headache due to worrying and panics.
For few years I’ve been trying to get used to being non existent but I am not used to it. I don’t think I will ever be able to. Why are you guys doing it to me? What have I done? Some of you assumed I’m a snob, a bitch or whatever you guys think of me negatively, believe me, I’m not. I don’t hate anyone, I have no reason to be a snob to anyone. I’m just fucking shy.
I can’t overcome my shyness. I tried but I eventually felt embarrassed. It’s strange because being shy embarrasses me, but trying to beat my stupid shyness, I embarrass myself. There is no win.
I hate feeling invisible. I often wait for a greetings as someone greets to someone next to me and as you finish, I then say hi to your back cos you walk away straightaway, like I wasn’t even there. I feel like a ghost, I see everyone pretending I’m not there. I don’t understand why, I don’t think I ever will.
It is unfair that I have to escape my hometown soon for a better happy life. I shouldn’t have to.
There is always hamartia, but is it me or the society?
