āBabe, are you okay?ā
I was lying on our bed, staring at the monitor. It was midnight and I barely noticed my husband enter the room.
āWhat?ā I asked, staring again at the blank screen certain I had missed something. Had the monitor just flickered or was that my imagination?
āYouāve been staring at that screen for over an hour now. Are you ok?ā he asked.
I rolled my eyes. Of course I wasnāt okay. I hadnāt slept properly in four months but he knew that. While he was sleeping peacefully downstairs, I was upstairs trying to survive the night, trying to control my anxiety that was climbing to a whole new level of WTF?
āYou know Iām not okay,ā I said flatly.
āWhy donāt you try sleeping while the baby is sleeping,ā he said, looking concerned. I wanted to scream at him, āWow never heard that one. Full marks for originality,ā but I didnāt. On some level I was pissed that parenthood had been so easy for him, compared to the hell I was in, but heād heard it all before.
āI canāt sleep, heās waking every two hours so itās pointless. Heās going to wake up soon.ā
Michael stared at me in silence, he was looking at me as if I were an inpatient at a psyche ward but I didnāt care. I was drowning in sleep deprivation, I was in the rabbit hole with no way out. I stared tentatively again at the monitor, please god let him sleep for longer than two hours, I pleaded. Even though I wasnāt sleeping, I still wanted him to and then I could eventually relax enough to contemplate sleep.
āNat, we need to talk about the flight,ā he said worriedly.
I felt like I couldnāt breathe. I had pushed all thoughts of our holiday to Texas out of my mind. The flight alone was seventeen hours and it scared the be-Jesus out of me. How could I take my four month old son from Australia to Texas? What were we thinking? Iād have to deal with the pressure of keeping Dash quiet through the night at his parents house. The more I thought about it I was certain it was absolute madness.Ā
āMy family are desperate to meet Dash,ā he said defensively, almost reading my thoughts.
I nodded my head slowly. Perhaps if I just lay there in silence and pretended to sleep, he would stop talking. I knew he had no idea what he was asking me to do, how could he? He was a male who slept downstairs, his wife dealt with all the crying and re-settling. There was a sea of angst raging inside of me, it was exhausting trying to control it all.
I sat up and put my head between my legs and started breathing deeply. I focused on the speed of my breath, in and out, smooth, itās all going to be okay. I looked up and he was staring at me again with that same,Ā āmy wifeās crazy,ā look.
āIām not coping,ā I said frankly, āI donāt think Iām going to be able to go.ā
He glared at me as if I were deliberately choosing to be difficult. His reaction was fast, faster than my ability to process it. He sat up, threw his pillow at the wall and screamedĀ āF*ck!ā. His frustration was palpable and I didnāt blame him. Two months ago he had paid for our tickets, I knew he was homesick and wanted to see his family, I wasnāt heartless. I watched as he sprung out of bed and paced around the room.Ā
āIāll cancel the tickets,ā he said. His shoulders were slumped over, he looked like a beaten man.
He crawled back into bed with me and put his arm around me.
āI want you to see the doctor tomorrow. You are not normal,ā he said.
I sighed, the weight of his families soon to be disappointment was heavy on my conscience.
āIāll go first thing,ā I said depleted.
I looked at the monitor and he was up.