My one gift in this life seems to be coming up with really terrible white baby names. Living in Utah - the capital of Bad White Baby Names - it always seemed like the best way to fight back against the insanity.
Since 2017 or so I've kept a running list of my horrific eldritch name creations on my phone (to bust out at parties when conversation tapered off mostly), but I finally want to share it with a larger audience. Plus the list has become so long that it's become it's own type of monster.
Listen, if I suffer, I need others to suffer too.
What is this list?
A collection of FAKE bad Utah baby names. Emphasis on FAKE. When all of these names made it onto my list, I had not encountered any of these names in the wild. Unfortunately some have been put on my list and then later I'd be reading the news and be filled with exasperation at that same name belonging to a human being. I feel disgustingly responsible.
What makes a name bad anyway?
I have a lot of thoughts about this, but I'm by no means an expert. I can simply say in this name list I've got bizarre spellings, random objects/words being turned into names, "it's short for x", and lots of mashups of different name building blocks that shouldn't go together. It's all here.
Do you take suggestions?
I love(?) to hear of terrible names you've seen or heard of! My creed is not to put already existing names on the list, but usually they can be a source of great inspiration for other names to make the list. Please send submissions, we have to suffer together.
That name isn't THAT bad, c'mon!
See, that's part of the point. I set out to make a list of names that were slightly feasible. The ones that you hope someone wouldn't name their child, but you definitely knew that one girl who went to High School with you that would totally do it. And that's where the pain stems from. That being said, if I find any child in the next few years with one of my names, I will have no choice to claim my fae right of owning their name and therefore them. Please don't name any children these, I couldn't take the guilt.
That's enough of an intro, go forth and enjoy some terrible baby names
