Recipe: Evil Chicken
This recipe is eerily reminiscent of the chicken that one might buy from a certain evil chain restaurant. One that endorses discrimination. I probably shouldn’t say which one for legal reasons, but I think we all know which one I’m talking about.
The secret, dear readers, is pickle juice. Tangy, tasty pickle juice. If you have a Sam’s Club membership, you can get an extra big-ass jug of pickles there and it will provide you with more than enough juice needed for the recipe. It should also be noted that while most people use chicken breasts for fried chicken, I find that thighs are a little better. The thigh is a more flavorful piece of chicken; it’s also, in my experience, easier to fry. If you don’t have a deep fryer, don’t worry; I don’t have one, either. I do, however, have a cast iron skillet, which is just as capable of frying tasty things. So, without further ado, here is it: Evil Chicken.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup flour
1 tbsp powdered sugar
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp basil
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp paprika
dash cayenne
4 boneless skinless chicken thighs
1 egg
1/2 cup heavy cream**
enough pickle juice to submerge chicken entirely (how much depends on the size of the chicken, so it’s hard to give exact measurements for this)
enough oil to submerge chicken halfway (about 1 1/2 cups, but it depends on the side of your frying apparatus as well as the size of the chicken)
a wooden spoon
a meat thermometer
**If you don’t have heavy cream, don’t panic! If you have milk and butter, you can make a decent substitute. Add 2 tbsp. melted butter to 1/2 cup milk. It works just as well!
Prep:
submerge chicken thighs in a container of pickle juice (I usually use a tupperware container) and allow to marinade for at least 1 hour. If I really want that pickle juice tang to shine through, I’ll let it go for several hours or even overnight.
Cooking:
When you’re ready to cook, put your oil in whatever you’re using for frying and heat on medium. This may take a good minute depending on your frying apparatus, your stove and how it behaves, etc. Just make sure the oil isn’t hot enough to smoke; this leads to burnt breading and sad chicken. In one bowl, combine flour and spices. In separate bowl, beat egg into heavy cream (or heavy cream substitute).
Remove chicken thighs from their briny depths and use paper towels to dry the chicken to the best of your ability (this helps the breading stick. If you don’t do this, the breading will come off while frying and then you’re left with sad chicken.)
Dip the chicken into the heavy cream/egg mixture, then into the flour/spices mixture. (Note: if you double up the amount of flour/spices, you can double-batter it, which isn’t mandatory, but if you’re in the mood for extra breading, it’s a nice thing.)
To check if your oil is hot enough, place the end of the wooden spoon into the oil. If you see a lot of bubbles form around the wood and float to the top, you’re ready to fry.
Place chicken into oil; cook 4 min. on each side or until chicken reads 165 degrees on the meat thermometer. When it’s done, place it on a plate with paper towels to absorb the excess oil.
And that’s it! Tasty, tasty chicken that you have the satisfaction of making yourself! Now, you can have delicious chicken without contributing to the further oppression of LGBT+ people! Hoorray! Serve it up with whatever sides you like best.