(set some time between learning kneel before the dragon of Zakuul, and going to the Zakuul palace)
The pain of the needle calmed him in a way nothing else did, it represented safety, that nothing bad would come to him so long as he kept injecting himself with the liquid in the vial.
How many years did he spend stealing it? How many more until he perfected the recipe and began making it himself? All for the sake of his safety.
Normally he injected himself using the “watch” on his right hand but lately he’d been needing stronger doses, his body growing too accustomed to the serum and needing more of it to actually make him appear force null. Until he found a way to concentrate it he could only rely on larger doses.
A knock on the door startled him and he breathed a sigh of relief that his arms had remained still.
“I’ll be right there!” He stated loud enough that the person on the other side could hear him, he was almost done injecting himself anyways.
He carefully removed the needle, dabbing on some kolto gel and a bandage the same color as his skin before discarding the syringe and walking to his door.
It had to be important right? He was taking his mandatory (by Lana) thirty minute lunch break after all. Had Arcann been found? Did Vaylin do something again?
Poor Vaylin…He actually felt bad for her, knowing what he knew now.
He opened the door, shocked by who he saw.
Theron was standing there, looking nervous and a quick glance in both directions told him that they were truly alone and he felt his Commander mask slip.
“Theron? Is everything alright?” He asked, reaching out a gloved hand to caress his cheek, his eyes crinkling ever so slightly as Theron leaned into his touch.
“A lot better now that’s for sure. May I come in?” He let go of his cheek, stepping to the side.
“Of course. Are you here because of work or did you just want to spend some time alone?” He asked as Theron entered, the door hissing shut behind them.
“Work unfortunately. Lana…Wanted me to ask you something…About Vaylin.” He felt himself tense up at those words, Vaylin, the conditioning, of course. What else would Lana be so curious about she’d have Theron ask him instead of herself?
He hadn’t shared with them her command word, couldn’t even bring himself to say it no matter how much Valkorion clearly wanted him to, it wasn’t right.
“I’m not going to say what it is Theron.” He said simply and he hoped his naturally monotone voice didn’t make him sound upset with the man in any way like he knew it could.
“I know and I know you have your reasons but neither Lana nor I can figure out why because it gives us a huge advantage against her. I won’t demand you say it or try and guilt trip you but I do just want to know why. If that’s alright of course.” Theron looked away after murmuring the last part and he pressed his lips together in thought.
He and Theron hadn’t been together long, only around a year officially with their anniversary coming up soon.
His past was a dark subject, one he never wanted to bring up again but…Theron deserved answers. Leaving him in the dark would do neither of them any good and he trusted Theron, far more than he probably should given that they were both spies but if their relationship was to work, really work in the long term he needed to trust him right?
He looked at Theron, into those innately sad hazel eyes that had utterly entranced him the first time they had locked eyes all those years ago and sighed before sitting down on his couch, motioning for him to do the same.
“Hopefully this goes without saying but what I’m about to tell you is to remain just between us, we can figure out what to tell Lana later.” Theron looked at him confused but took a seat across from him anyways.
“O…Kay..? So what is it? Did Valkorion tell you something?” He shook his head.
“No, if anything Valkorion wants me to tell everyone, the reason why I won’t is more…Personal.” The memories flashed through his head briefly and he instinctively pulled out his box of cigarettes and put one in his mouth, lighting it and taking a drag from it until his nerves felt steady enough to continue.
“Back when I was a part of Imperial Intelligence I was tasked with hunting down Darth Jadus who was working with terrorists at the time and getting the final set of codes needed to shut down a series of weapons that would’ve killed a lot of people. I knew I would be forced to make a decision, Jadus was clever, very clever and had me all but backed into a corner, it seemed like no matter what I would be forced to have to kill innocent people in order to put a stop to him. But somehow I managed to outmaneuver him, I talked him down and convinced him to leave the ship and no blood was spilled, I’d been so relieved…” He took another drag of his cigarette and he saw how Theron’s face was confused but also worried, he hated making Theron worry.
“Turns out the Dark Council had been terrified of my efforts, imagine that, an entire council terrified of one of their own Government agents all because he talked down a madman from killing people. So naturally the Dark Council gave Keeper two options, either I be killed or…” He looked down, forcing the memories away with every frantic blink of his eyes as he forced his breathing to remain steady.
“I be conditioned to respond to a single phrase so I could never go against orders…” He heard Theron’s sharp intake of breath but he kept his vision on the ground, he didn’t want to see Theron’s face when he explained the next part.
“I only found out about my conditioning when I had to play double agent for the SIS and Ardun Kothe decided to use it against me. I can’t…Blame him for the first time he used it, he wanted to make sure I couldn’t hurt his people, fair enough, but every subsequent order made me feel subhuman, I was given commands like a dog, I couldn’t even talk without permission, not to mention him freely sharing them with everyone else and them taking full advantage of it, every command, every order under that one deplorable word broke my brain, quite literally. I began experiencing auditory and visual hallucinations and I fainted on more than one occasion. It was despicable. And when I learned for a matter of fact as to why I’d been brainwashed? I lost any trust I had with anyone, the Minister of Intelligence, Keeper, the Empire as a whole really, but it wasn’t like the SIS treated me any better for that matter so I decided to do everything in my power to break free of my own conditioning, I had to inject myself with the serum again and be reconditioned, it was a fifty fifty chance as to whether or not it’d work or I’d become brain dead, at the time I saw it as either way I’d be free, luckily it worked and I was reconditioned by a dead man with a new phrase and then told to never respond to orders again, thus granting me my freedom in a convenient loophole. Though I wasn’t really free until I got the Black Codex.” He didn’t know when he got through three other cigarettes while he talked but he did take note of the three butts in his ashtray as he extinguished his fourth one before looking up hesitantly at Theron, expecting him to be angry, defensive, tell him that the SIS wouldn’t do that and that they were better than whatever made up story he gave, instead he looked utterly distraught and he immediately looked away. He didn’t know if he was distraught because of what he’d been through or because of what the SIS did to him, or both. Usually he was better at reading people…
“Shit I didn’t mean to bring up something like that, are you okay?” He felt Theron sit next to him and he looked over at him, seeing the blatant concern written across his face not a hint of deception or deceit there as he felt his heartbeat slow and he reached over and grabbed Theron’s hand, intertwining their fingers.
“Yeah, yeah I’m alright now.” He replied, resting his head on Theron’s.
He’d never admit it, he was too scared to but if his compensation for being brainwashed and used by everyone around him was this, was having one person who he felt like he could trust with almost anything and know they wouldn’t betray him, wouldn’t hurt him like everyone else did and could actually let his guard down around then…Wasn’t it all worth it?
Maybe he’ll even tell Theron about his curse but…His gaze briefly flickered to where the syringe was before squeezing Theron’s hand a little harder.
