NAME: Jeri LIKES: coconut, chocolate, long-boarding I AM: Curious about the world and the individuals of this world. I graduated from the University of British Columbia in Political Science and appreciate thoughtful conversations on politics and world issues. My relationship with Jesus has become a fundamental part of my life and I can't imagine my life without Him. SITUATED IN: Vancouver, BC / Asia
After five years away from Vancouver, I’m finally moving back “home”. It feels strange, because even though this place is home, there are other places and people I still long for. There’s a feeling of “homesickness” while I’m back home. There are special people and places I miss.
I made a decision to follow Jesus in 2008. Shortly after that, I finished high school and began my studies in university. My time in university was extremely formative in building the foundation of my faith in Christ. It’s during those years I learned to: share my faith, spend time daily in God’s Word, and disciple others. It’s during those years I made my best friends -- people whom I shared life with and came to love, and who I greatly respect for the way they live. It’s during those years my heart was ignited by the Father’s heart for the nations. It’s during those years I made some of the most important decisions in my life with regards to career, relationships, and calling.
Looking back, it’s been over ten years since that journey of walking with Jesus began. It’s been exactly five years since I graduated from my bachelor’s degree and that “hothouse season” of growth, and embarked on various faith adventures around the world. I’ve lived in 8 different addresses, 5 different cities, and 3 different continents and countries in these past five years. I’ve visited 14 countries. I’ve tried to learn 3 new languages, and have worshipped in countless more. It’s been such a wild journey. I’ve experienced so much. Invariably, there were periods of doubt, loss, stress, stagnancy, loneliness, etc., but, there were also periods of awe, joy, delight, thankfulness, growth, and feeling loved. I look back on these past five years of being away from home with incredible thanksgiving. I look back on these past ten or so years of following Jesus with awe and worship of him.
I don’t think I can settle back into Vancouver as if it was the home it was to me five years ago. It’s changed. I’ve changed. I confess, even though there are so many “good things” waiting for me here, I easily become anxious about the future. I have worries and doubts about what’s in store for me. And yet, as I reflect on how God has been constant in his loving-kindness towards me, and faithful to me in every way, I choose (by faith) to fix my eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfector of our faith. I choose to throw off the sin that so easily entangles and to lay aside every weight. I choose to trust Him each day, Who is gracious in bringing new mercies every morning.
LORD, help me in my disbelief! I look forward to this new season, because you are the Author of it. May your Word dwell richly in me; may it take root -- transforming my heart and renewing my mind, so I become more like Jesus. I want to joyfully obey you. I want to wait and anticipate greater things from you with a faith-filled heart. I want to live by the holy convictions of your Spirit and power that comes from Him. I want to delight in you, as a child delights in the love of her father. You love me more than I could ever understand. Help me live a life that reflects your furious and passionate love. Help me a life worthy of the Gospel. I pray in Jesus’ name, Who is the name above every other name. Amen.
The reality is, I will never be “home” until I meet my King face to face. Until I get to be with the One whom I love most, and whom I am wholly known and accepted by, I will never be home. Until that Day, I will delight and give thanks for the beautiful glimpses of home in all the places I temporarily call “home”.
When I think about all the terrible things happening in the world, I become overwhelmed with sadness. Yesterday, I had one of those moments when I heard news of the Mosque shooting in Christchurch, New Zealand. 49 people killed. 40 people injured. They were peacefully worshipping, when an evil man came in and mercilessly killed them. He was filled with hate and fear, and self-loathing, and he killed them.
Yesterday evening, I had dinner with a friend. He has been exploring the Christian faith. I asked him what got him interested in exploring Christianity. He said, for one, he wanted to better understand Canadian culture — since he had just moved to Canada. Second, he said, he is a human. And he has pain. He said, “I think, one day, when I become a ‘true Christian’, I will have no pain.”
And with that one simple sentence, I believe my friend eloquently expressed the human condition. A life, sometimes, filled with pain, in which we long to be free of.
As I explained to my friend, God doesn’t take away our pain. Indeed, he often pushes us to press deeper into the pain and darkness of our life. Sometimes, the only way out is through. God doesn’t take away the pain. But, He enters into the pain. He walks with us in the pain. He is the Person in whom we can lean on, when we are in pain. He is the shoulder in which we can cry on, when we are in sorrow and grief. He is the unconditional love that reminds us who we are, when we cannot accept ourselves or our circumstances. He is the rest we are longing for in our perpetual weariness. He is our victory, when we feel like we have failed and been inadequate in every way. He is our peace, in our anxiety and worry. God is everything and the only thing we really need in our pain and suffering.
Because what we need in our pain and suffering is not to be free of it, but to have assurance that we are not alone in it. We long for someone to understand the pain. We long to be understood. We want to believe our pain and suffering is not meaningless. We cannot accept that the difficulty we are experiencing is a consequence of chance and random events — such a probability would surely be unfair. We long for some hope and purpose in the midst of our pain and suffering.
This common human experience, and the longings in our heart point to our Creator and Designer. Consider this passage from Isaiah 53:2-11. It is a prophecy speaking about Jesus: the immense pain and suffering he will endure, the love behind it, and the purpose for it.
“2
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3
He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
4
Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
5
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7
He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8
By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was punished.
9
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10
Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the Lord makes his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
11
After he has suffered,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.” [Emphasis added.]
These past two days I’ve been listening to this song called, “You Speak”, by Audrey Assad. It’s a really beautiful song. It made me reflect on my life purpose statement, which for a long time has been: “To know God and to make Him known.”
One lyric in the song goes, “In the silence of the heart you speak // And it is there, I will know you and You will know me”. It reminded me of the importance of being known by God in our journey of knowing God. In light of this, I thought perhaps my life purpose statement should be amended to be: “To be known by God, to know Him, and to make Him known.”
Indeed, until we realize that we are known by God, i.e. He sees the depths of our hearts and mind -- all our sin, darkness, and shame -- and loves us the same, we have no ability to know Him. We have no capacity to love, until we have touched by the love of the Perfect Father.
Managing the Transience and Instability of my Life
I’m back in Vancouver and enjoying some time off. Since my time of reflection over 2017, I’ve made an effort to give myself more time and space to move between cities, seasons, and occupations. It’s a strange (but welcomed) feeling to have more than 1 day to pack my bags, move, and start life somewhere new.
To that end, I’ll be moving Sweden at the end of August to start a semester of exchange there. I’m looking forward to it very much. I’ve never been to Europe. Besides moving back to Saskatoon for my last semester of school, and moving back to Vancouver for work, I think Sweden will be my last big move in a while.
I have lived a somewhat unstable, transient lifestyle since 2014. When I graduate law school in 2019, I look forward to returning home, re-setting roots down, and finding some stability again in my life.
In some regards, there’s aspects of this life that I appreciate. You become very independent. You get to try a lot of new things, meet a lot of new people, and discover a lot of new places. You move before you get bored or tired of a place. There is often newness and excitement. At the same time, you don’t have a stable community, or deep relationships you can always turn too. Often, I’m by myself. Sometimes, I feel lonely. You’re an “outsider” and never a local.
As I prepare to make a few more moves in the next year, I realize how much energy is spent on managing the challenges I experience with the transience and instability of my life. Much time is spent: making new friends, learning the streets of a new city, adapting to life there, “getting settled”, and growing to be okay of “where I’m at” -- whether that’s geographically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually.
On that note, my latest move was to Hong Kong, where I was doing an internship with a well-established international legal institution. There are a few journal entries from my time in Hong Kong that I’d like to share publicly on my blog. Those will come soon...
I haven’t written here for a while. I just checked and it looks like my last post was about half a year ago. Recently, I’ve been thinking on the theme of disappointment. With this theme of disappointment, perhaps I can offer a bit of a life update.
2017 was a busy, tiring, stressful, and often lonely year.
(i) Finishing My First-Year of Law School (January - April, 2017)
I finished my first-year of law school in April. Exams were stressful, but they went well. I was feeling incredibly exhausted by the end of them though. I moved out of my apartment in Saskatoon.
(ii) My First Law Job (May - August 2017)
When I moved back to Vancouver, my parents had just sold my childhood home, and I came back to organize, pack, and move all my things at that home. After a major, pretty rushed, tiring, and stressful move, I slept on the living room floor of my brother’s apartment for a week, while I started my first week of summer articles at a law firm in Abbotsford. I later moved into my family’s new home.
My summer articles were demanding and challenging. The learning curve was steep. I grew a lot professionally. I’m really thankful for the exposure I got to private practice. My firm was great and I really learned so much.
The hours were long though. I typically worked 9-10 hour days in the office, and had a 2-hour commute both ways. This meant work typically took up 11-12 hours of my day. After working out at the gym, eating dinner at 8:30pm, and making lunch, it would be 10PM, and I would be exhausted -- physically, mentally, and emotionally.
A highlight of my summer was making a 5-day trip to Beijing for my friends’ wedding. It was crazy rushed. Haha. But super fun. I left on Friday morning from Vancouver. Stayed in BJ for 2 days for the wedding. Took a train down to BD, stayed there 1 night. And then took a train to YC and stayed there 1 night, before I went back to BJ for my flight. I got back on Monday afternoon. And then went back to work on Tuesday morning.
Besides my whirlwind trip to Asia, the rest of my summer was marked mostly by my busy work life.
(iii) Trauma (August 2017)
In the last weeks of my summer, something traumatic and extremely disappointing happened in my family. The incident triggered some serious trauma that had occurred in my life as a child.
I entered into a dark place, feeling a mess of anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, sadness, and doubt.
Though it was one of the most emotionally challenging times of my life, I see God’s grace in it. I don’t say this to diminish the weight of what happened, but to recognize, that sometimes, we wonder, “Why? Why God are you allowing this to happen in my life?” In many situations of life, there really is no immediate answer to that question. But oddly, in this situation, there was. I know that it was in God’s mercy that He wanted to intervene where someone was perpetrating hurt and abuse. It needed to stop. God’s manner of intervention resulted in a sort of chaotic blow-up. But once that was over, it meant there was the opportunity to repent, forgive, and begin a journey of healing and forgiveness.
All while this was happening, I continued to go to work and press on as if my personal and family life wasn’t falling apart. I remember sitting outside the provincial courthouse steps in Vancouver for lunch once. I sat there, soaking in the sun, allowing its warmth to thaw my bones chilled from the extreme AC of my office. I sat there, allowing the warmth of the sun shine on my face, reminding me that there was still goodness and hope in my life.
And indeed, there was goodness and hope in my life. I experienced the love and support of dear friends and mentors in my life. My best friend, who had been living in London for the past year, just happened to be in-town when all of this was happening. I cried with her.
One of my mentors met with me a few nights in a row, late in the evening at the Starbucks near her house, after she had put her young kids into bed. Her wisdom and care for me was healing.
My pastor at church listened with no judgement, absolute acceptance and love, and hugged me.
I’m so thankful for the community God has put around me. The certainty and confidence I have in them that they will “be there for me” -- in empathy, in solidarity, in genuine care and love, is indescribable. It is the greatest gift I have, besides my relationship with God himself.
Needless to say, my summer ended on a real low note.
And, as if a common theme in my life, I rushed from one thing to the next. I finished my last day of work on the last Friday afternoon of August, and then I took a flight that evening to LA. After a quick vacation in LA, I came back to Vancouver for half a day, before flying out to Saskatoon the next morning.
(iv) Running Away (September - December 2017)
After I got back to Saskatoon, I took all my stuff out of storage and moved into a new place.
I started seeing a counsellor to work out some of the stuff that had happened over the summer and in my childhood.
School felt more demanding than ever before. I threw myself at school. I studied all the time. It was not often when I didn’t feel busy, stressed, and/or tired.
When my exams were over... I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went back to Vancouver for Christmas. I met with my pastor. He encouraged me a ton. I started reading a book called “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”. I went on a 3-day silent retreat.
It was during the retreat that I had time to finally slow down and reflect. It was then that I was able to come to terms with the fact that I had had an incredibly tiring, and disappointing year. I felt far away from God.
(v) When you don’t get what you deserve (January 2018)
When the new year began, I was determined to re-align my life to be in rhythm with the manner that I knew God wanted me to live. I began going to bed around 9/10pm and waking up at 6am. I took time in the quiet of the morning to spend time with God -- to meditate on His promises before the day went into full swing. I slowed down. I started practicing a 24-hour sabbath again.
It felt great. I was re-discovering the joy of being in God’s presence.
A couple weeks into January, my grades from term 1 came out. To my great shock, a number of my grades were pretty poor. I was in literal shock. I thought something had gone wrong. Maybe they had mixed up my exams? I was an above-average student, how is it possible that I got the grades that I did?
I worked hard through out the semester. I engaged with the material. I knew and understood it. It was clear to me that these marks did not at all reflect the type of student I was, nor the degree to which I grasped the course material.
I was annoyed that these poor grades upset me as much as they did, but I couldn’t ignore the anger, shock, and disappointment I felt.
Then it occurred to me, “you don’t always get what you deserve and that’s a good thing”. The Gospel is about getting what you don’t deserve. We didn’t work to get God’s love. We didn’t do anything to receive his forgiveness. Indeed, there is nothing we can do. At the same time, Christ did not get what he deserved at the cross. He was crucified in the most painful and shameful manner. He bore the sins he never committed. He was forsaken by the Father. He didn’t deserve that. Yet he received it with gladness.
Could I receive this bad grades with gladness? Could I be thankful, notwithstanding these grades? Did I have reason to work hard and persevere in my studies, even if I didn’t get good grades? What were my motivations for my education and career, anyways?
Isaiah 55:8-13:
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”
It’s amazing how easy it is for me to forget. To forget what God has done in my life. To forget how He has always been good to me. To forget how I’ve experienced Him.
I was looking at back at some of my old Tumblr posts today. It’s quite amazing and encouraging, going back to read those posts -- remembering and reflecting how God has revealed Himself to me, in my life, even when I have been unfaithful or have neglected or been ignorant to His promises and goodness in my life.
God, I just want to remember! I want to constantly remember and rejoice in your goodness in my life.
I haven’t been on my blog space for a while and I hadn’t realized that I haven’t written in here for so long -- since March! These last couple of months have gone by so quickly.
I finished my first year of law school. I moved out of my place in Saskatoon. I moved into a new house in Vancouver. I started working at a firm as a summer articling student.
It’s been 9 months since I left Asia. I’ll be making a visit there in a couple weeks. It’ll be exactly 10 months since I was last there.
I still miss it a lot and I think of those places and my friends fairly often.
I wonder about my future and where I’ll be.
It’s been a strange season of life. A lot of ups and downs. Periods of a lot of stress, busyness, and demand. Periods of sadness and loneliness. Periods of anger and frustration. Periods of questioning and doubt.
The only thing that has remained constant are His promises and His deep, faithful love for me. But it not for my God, I would not have reason to hope. I don’t say this to paint a picture of a life that is full of despair and difficulty. No, in fact, I know my life is extremely blessed and rich. But, sometimes, you just go through seasons of life that are hard -- where you question why you’re in the place that you are, whether it be geographically, vocationally, spiritually, relationally, emotionally, etc.
I know He is faithful. And I am constantly reminded of that, when I look back and see how in every way, He has thought of me and arranged things in my life for my good and for my welfare.
Of course, there are still many moments of disbelief and questioning. I pray He would help me in my disbelief, and help me wrestle through my questions in a way that is authenticate and not superficial. I ask for resilient joy that comes as a consequence of the Spirit’s work in my heart and not just the fleeting circumstances of my life.
Such a statement is basic tenet of the Christian faith. Yet, it is easy for me to forget. And when I say ‘forget’, I don’t mean in my mind, I don’t have the knowledge that God is faithful, but rather, in my everyday living out of my life, I have apparently forgotten that He is faithful. That truth ceases to be my schema and worldview. It ceases to guide and influence all that I do.
Instead, I become caught up in the schema that what I get is a direct output of what I put in. Hard work pays off. ‘Working hard pays off’ isn’t necessarily untrue. What’s untrue is when I begin to believe ‘pays off’ equates to “getting what I want and where I want to be” -- i.e. being satisfied and fulfilled. That is a lie. You can work damn hard and at the end of that journey, either find your goals fulfilled, but you’re personally unsatisfied, or find your goals fulfilled, and find yourself disappointed in yourself and frustrated at why your hard work has not lead to your ‘success’.
He is faithful. Every good thing has come from my Heavenly Father. Every good and perfect thing comes from Him.
Lord, may the work of my hands be my worship and fragrant offering to you. May I be compelled by your love and goodness to press on when necessary and cease when necessary. Stop this frantic heart and these restless hands from working for what is fleeting. You alone are worthy of my life. I surrender and give my all to You. Help me abide in You, as You promise to abide in me. You know how much I desperately need You. Your love shall be my joy and Your faithfulness shall be my banner, as I press forth unto that, which You’ve called me to. For your glory! In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
I am convinced at the core of Christian faith is the call to love and serve those with the most needs. Why? Because the essence of the Christian faith is the Gospel. And what is the Gospel, but the good news that “We are more sinful [or needy] and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope”[1]. It is a consistent theme throughout Scripture, from Genesis to Revelations, that the loving, saving grace of God has always been for the weak, the poor in Spirit, the broken-hearted, the alien living among us, the widowed, the orphaned, and the oppressed. In my journey as a Christian, the need to apply the Gospel in my life has not diminished, since receiving Him the first time. If anything, that need has increased. And with that increasing awareness of my need of the Gospel, is an increasing awareness that there is a need for the Gospel for all those around me. I believe the verses in Matthew 5:3-12 (often known as “The Beatitudes”) provides a perfect summary of what the blessings of the Gospel are, and to whom they are for.
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
[1] Timothy J. Keller in “The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God”
As many of you may know, President Trump put out an executive order for a ban on all refugees and travellers from seven muslim countries this past week.
Most of you probably don’t know this about me though -- members of my family were refugees to America. My grandfather and uncle lived in Cuba for most of their lives. After the communist revolution, they lost everything. Shortly after, my uncle boarded a refugee boat to Florida. It capsized before it made it to shore, and he swam the rest of the way. He stayed a short time in Florida, before he was able to eventually make his way up to New York City, home to one of America’s most established Chinatowns and a city where many migrants (from all over the world!) found “home”. He found work in the restaurants in Chinatown and eventually became a restaurant-owner himself.
My cousins grew up in New York. They eventually went on to graduate from prestigious universities -- MIT, Cornell, etc. and have their own families. One of my cousins is heavily involved with civic work that advocates for the rights and affairs of Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders. Another cousin serves as a police officer in Atlanta, Georgia -- a city that deals daily with race, discrimination, and violence.
All of this began from a refugee who swam to Florida.
I cannot fully express in words the sadness, anger, disappointment, and disbelief I feel at what the Trump Administration has done and feels justified in doing. Nothing can justify what they are doing. Nothing.
It’s called racism. It’s called Islamophobia. It’s called fear-based hate.
As a Political Science major, I used to write articles on policy recommendations -- thoughts on what to do and how to take action. Certainly, there is a need for that, but in this post, I really just want to express how I feel. I want to share my story. Sometimes, that’s all I feel I can do.
I’m not saying factually not more can be done. I’m just sharing that’s how I feel -- a bit dejected, a bit helpless, a bit jarred at the state of our world.
One of my favourite musicians is Rich Mullins. He was a Christian artist, popular in the 80s and 90s, who was brutally honest about his life, faith, pain, and doubts -- as he wrestled with the idea of an all-loving, all-powerful God; yet, a deeply broken and hurting world.
From his song “You did not have a home”:
'Cause You knew that the whole world belonged to the meek
But You did not have a home, no, You did not have a home ...
Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man
No, You did not have a home
Christ was a homeless refugee. He was born in a time of foreign-occupation of his land. He was lowly. He was meek. He loved the outsider, the rejected, and the unwanted. He opposed the proud, the rich, and the corrupt.
I follow Christ’ example and I choose to also oppose the proud, the rich, and the corrupt. And I choose to welcome and love ‘the outsider’, the rejected, and the unwanted. I stand in solidarity with those who share the same story and the same family history as me -- those who are leaving a life they never want to go back to and longing to walk into a new life they’ve always dreamed to give to their children.
“I want to go out like Elijah with a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire”
Today, an event appeared on my FB newsfeed “Celebration of Wendy’s Life”. My heart skipped a beat. Surely not. Had Wendy passed away?
Wendy was dear spiritual mother and giant at my home church in Vancouver, Tenth. She was a joyful spirit; a lover of the broken-hearted and down-trodden; a prayer warrior; and precious and contagious encourager to whomever she was around.
I first met her when I attended Alpha with some friends at my church. She was the leader of another group, but on one occasion, our two groups came together. During that one time our groups came together, we were learning about prayer. She prayed for everyone in the group. When she got to me, she said “I don’t know if you know much about prayer or not, but I believe God has given you a passion for prayer. He will give you a gift to prayer for others -- it’s what we call intercession.” At that time, she didn’t even know my name. She didn’t know whether I was a Christian or not.
Of course then, she would have had no idea, at that point in time someone had also recently asked me if I would consider serving in the prayer team at church, affirming that I had a gift in prayer.
Wendy had a powerful gift of prophesy that she used to encourage and exhort the church. She discipled another woman in my church, Jeannie in the gift and service of intercession. Jeannie, in turn, discipled me in the gift and service of intercession. That’s who Wendy was -- she was spiritual mother and served out of an overflow of receiving from our Heavenly Papa.
Though I never knew Wendy super well, her person has had a lasting impact on my life. She is a woman who I genuinely hope to grow to become. I know she is in the dear arms of Jesus now. She is laughing in Papa’s lap. She is dancing into eternity with all the saints who went before her.
Wendy, you are loved! You will be missed! We honour and celebrate your life. Wendy, this song is for you:
Lately I’ve been listening to this song “First Love” by Jonathan and Melissa Helser a lot. I really just stumbled onto the song, as I was listening to other worship music on youtube.
There weren’t any particular lyrics from the song that really hit me initially. I just loved the sound of the music and was drawn to the idea of returning to our first love.
I kept listening to it. Wondering.
Wondering, how do I return back to my first love? How do I return to a place of being in awe of Christ?
I’ve been a Christian for several years now. I grew up in a religious home and made a personal decision to follow Jesus in the spring of 2008. It’s been almost 9 years. I think back to some of my years in high school and university, where I grew in incredible ways in my walk with God.
I think to my intense two years living in Asia.
I think to now. The challenging transition back to an entirely new life in Canada. The disorientation. The loneliness. The loss of excitement and purpose found in the life and community I previously had.
How do I go back to those rich times of fellowship with the Lord and with my brothers and sisters around me?
I think of how I can re-make and re-live those experiences that have so shaped me into who I am today. But it doesn’t work that way.
The reality is... we can never go back. It sounds like the “moral of the story” after a bad break-up, but it’s true. We can never go back.
And that is a GOOD thing. That is God’s blessing. We won’t ever experience the things we experienced previously in the exact same manner, because the world changes and you change. I have changed.
I can always, always return to my first love. But the manner in which I experience Him and relate to Him will be different. I am a different person, in a different season of my life, in a different environment, in this world that has changed overnight. God will always remain the same. I will always have the same ability to be enthralled by Him and be in awe of Him -- but how that will happen cannot be fully anticipated or understood by me right now -- until I am again swept up in His lavish loving-kindness towards me and look back and realize “ah! Yes, you are the sovereign LORD! Yet, you are also my tender Heavenly Papa and my faithful best friend.”
I’ve been listening to All Sons & Daughters’ Album “Poets and Saints” a lot recently. It has really ministered to my soul. One song off the album is called “Path of Sorrow”. The chorus of this song goes “I know I know You never change // Even in Even in my wandering”. Inspired by those words, I’ve written my own prayer in the form of a poem.
I’m in the midst of a 3-day fast right now. For the last several years, I’ve traditionally fasted before my birthday. It’s a means for me to more concertedly seek God, before I enter into, what I believe, is a new season of my life.
Fasting is a spiritual discipline I began in my second-year of university. There’s been good fasts and there’s been bad ones. There have been fasts where I have felt like I was going to pass out. There have been fasts where I felt physically strong.
Last year, I had an awesome roommate, who committed to fasting with me once a month. Last year, I also completed my longest fast (7 days), to date. Looking back, it’s pretty miraculous how God sustained me. I was living in this little concrete communist apartment, that was freezing all the time. My roommate and I would wear jackets and toques at home. Haha. I slept with: 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of thick socks, a t-shirt, 2 sweaters, and a toque.
As I am fasting right now, I am also in one of the most intense times of the school year -- one week before exams start. I feel such a need to hunker down and study like a madman, but instead, here I am -- weak and incapable and working less than I usually do. My tummy grumbles. My mind is foggy. And I feel tired and cold.
So, why fast? So many people in the modern church do not regularly fast. When I tell other people I fast, I often get asked the question, “How do you do it? Isn’t it hard?”
Yes, of course! Haha. It’s hard. Every time.
I don’t fast because I am strong. I fast because I am weak. I fast to declare that I need God more than anything. I fast because whether I feel weak and incapable or not, I am, in fact, weak and incapable. I fast because I need to be humbled. When I fast, I am declaring that I need God more than the time and energy needed to work, food that makes me happy, and the feeling of ‘being strong and capable’.
We fast from the physical bread of the world, to feast on the word of God!
My life is pretty busy right now. School is more intense than usual and other commitments are in my schedule or on my ‘to-do’ list. It’s easy to become stressed and overwhelmed in the midst of it all.
It’s usually in these moments, where I’m terribly tired and still have much more to do, that I begin to question what I’m doing and what really matters most. Sleep? School work? My church? My friends? My volunteer position? Health? etc. The list is way longer and the questions far more.
I’m a bigger picture person. I often think about what this small thing will achieve in the grander scheme of things. In some ways, I’m a bit of a dreamer. I just like to dream of where something will eventually go and become.
And I guess, there’s always been this innate desire within me to be a part of something bigger. I’ve always wanted to see impossible things happen. Often, I believe they will happen.
These are my late-night ramblings. They’re just a sliver of the thoughts that run through my brain at this hour, when I’m debating whether I should sleep or keep pressing on to read my textbook. (My new goal is try to sleep 7 hours a night. This week, it hasn’t gone well. I’ve been running on 6 or less hours of sleep a night.)
Thank you Lord for all that you bring. I pray you will help me see what matters most and enable me to make wise decisions out of that.
As I was riding home on my scooter, I slowed down to pass gently over the crumbled and bumpy section of pavement. There I saw two streets-weeper ladies, each with their bike-carts of debris and trash, a rugged straw broom neatly hanging on each of their carts. The younger lady excitedly was placing a large plastic bag of chicken eggs into the basket of the elder lady's. She enthusiastically refused, waving her arms about to somehow physically prevent that bag from being placed in her basket. What a beautiful sight! How something as simple as a bag of chicken eggs can bring such joy and blessing to a person!
This afternoon, as I was spending time with God, I spent a good portion wrestling through the dread of doing law school apps, wanting to serve long-term, and the uncertainty of the future.
I realized I have this dread towards doing law school apps, because (1) I'm not sure if I'll get in, and (2), even if I did get in, and decided to go, do I really want to be a practicing lawyer? Deep inside of me, I am thinking of the future -- what will I be doing? Who will I be sharing my life with? And with those questions comes another type of question, which is, what can I be doing now to prepare me for that life?
I guess in many ways, I want to see my life as some type of linear path. I want to be able to connect all the dots, seeing how right now will lead to tomorrow, and etc. When the rubber hits the road, my heart is anxious to have some type of certainty and guarantee for the future.
Wrestling through this, I felt God speak to me clearly about three things He is calling me to have, in order to face the current predicament I find myself in, namely: humility, faithfulness, and courage.
HUMILITY is accepting that you don't know and that you don't have any guarantees, but still choosing to make a decision. You are not paralyzed by not knowing and you are okay with not 'having everything figured out.'
FAITHFULNESS is continually seeking God in the matter, believing He is the God who rightly gives and takes way, so whatever should happen, blessed be the Name of the LORD.
COURAGE is taking the step to commit to a decision, even when you have no guarantee of where you'll end up.
I felt so blessed receiving this word from the LORD. I hope it blesses you too, as you work through the own discernments of your life.
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