IF THE ZODIAC SIGNS REWROTE CHRISTMAS CAROLS
Aries: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
There’ll be moshpits for hosting
And screamo singing out in the snow
There’ll be scary Krampus stories
And tales of the horrors of the
Christmases long, long ago
Taurus: Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
Shopping around the Christmas Tree
A sale sign hung where you can see
Every shopper tries to stop
Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree
Let the cash registers ring
Later we’ll buy some pumpkin pie
and we’ll continue buying
Just hear those annoying sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling, too
Don’t go, it’s horrible weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and enemies are calling, “Screw you!”
Come on, it’s terrible weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, don’t go
Let’s look at the show, we’re riding in a crapload of snow
Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap, it’s terrible even holding your hand
We’re dragging along with a song of a wintery wasteland
Cancer: Winter Wonderland
Sleigh bells ring are you listening
In the lane snow is melting
A nasty sight oh we’re miserable tonight
Walking in a winter wasteland
Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He’s screeching a song as we go along
Walking in a winter wasteland
What a bright time, it’s the right time
Jingle-bell time is a swell time
To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh.
Giddy-yap jingle horse; pick up your feet;
Mix and mingle in a jinglin’ beat;
That’s the jingle-bell rock.
*Karen kicks radio by accident*
I’m dreaming of a red Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops are bare and children listen
To hear screaming in the snow
I’m dreaming of a red Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days have fright and spite
And may all your Christmases be red
Libra: All I want for Christmas
I want a lot for Christmas
There are just so many things I need
I care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas isn’t you
Deck the halls with balls of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to take molly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our American Apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient internet with carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sagittarius: Feliz Navidad
I wanna wish you a Happy Birthday
I wanna wish you a Happy Birthday
I wanna wish you a Happy Birthday
From the bottom of my fart
Capricorn: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
It’s beginning to look too much like Christmas
Take a look at the driveway, snowed in once again
With candy canes and heart burn aglow
It’s beginning to look too much like Christmas
But the worst sight to see is the family that will be
Aquarius: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You would even say it blows
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names
They never let stuffy Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Pisces: Frosty the Snowman
He was made of snow but the children know
How he went to hell one day
There must have been some magic
In that old musty hat they found
For when they threw it on his head
He began to scream around