How Black Swan helped me get back my lost passion
When I was in first grade I wrote my first poem. When I was in third grade I wrote my first story. That's when I fell in love with writing.
I would write every single day. I would stay up until 3-4 am just writing and I loved every single thing about it. I loved writing and I loved what I wrote.
I kept that passion fired up until late in high school when I discovered a website where you can share your stories. I was excited because for so long I was the only one who read my stories. I was excited to share it to people and to have positive feed back. I was so sure I can do it because to me, my stories were great! But it didn't turn out the way I wanted to.
Months passed, I have published 20+ chapters of my stories but there were less than 100 views. There were no comments either. That to me was a failure. I realized that I wasn't as good as I thought I was but that didn't stop me from writing.
I would bring my stories to school, working on them during breaks and even letting my classmates read them. Until one day, while my classmate was reading one of my stories, hw returned my notebook back to me and said that he didn't feel like reading it anymore because it was boring. That was when I started to really doubt myself.
Am I really good at it? Or do I just think that way? For a teenager these comments really hurt a lot. It's something that I loved dearly and something I was really really proud of so when they told me it was boring I was really discouraged.
It didn't help that I still wasnt getting reads on my stories that I published online. It came to the point where I reread all of my chapters to check for grammatical errors or just any mistake. I thought maybe if I wrote it 'perfectly' then people would start to appreciate it.
It went on like that for years. I wrote with perfection in mind. The first thing that I ask myself when I write is if people would like it.
I was still unsuccessful. I was also slowly writing less and less. There was no satisfaction anymore. I felt like there was no point because nobody liked them anyway.
Then came college. It was busier this time. I had no more time for anything other than studying. So I stopped writing altogether. I had 10+ stories that I put on hold.
I busied myself with other things. I wrote my thoughts on paper but I no longer wrote stories. Sometimes the urge to write again would come but every time I open a new notebook I would just stare at it not knowing what to do. It was sad because I realized that the one thing that brought me joy before doesn't bring me happiness anymore. I felt nothing. Then I felt scared.
I was scared when I realized that I was losing my passion. I was no longer the young ambitious girl who stays up all night making worlds and creating characters. I was no longer passionate about writing. I felt so lost because for so long that to me was my identity. I was a writer. Was.
But I just let it go because like I said I was busy with other things.
Until that day when I was reviewing for the board exams. I looked over to the notebooks that I haven't opened in years and I just cried because I remembered what I really wanted to do. I wanted to write. I didn't want to become an accountant I wanted to become a writer but I thought that was impossible because I no longer felt happy.
I was scared because I lost that feeling. I was scared and I was desperately trying to find her, that ambitious girl filled with excitement and fired up with passion but I can't seem to find her anymore.
I wondered, is there anybody out there who felt the same? Is there anyone out there who knows how I feel or am I making a big deal out of nothing?
A couple of days later Black Swan by BTS came out. They were talking about the same things that was going in my head. They were talking about their fears of waking up one day and not liking what they were doing anymore. It was sad. Sad but relatable because that's exactly what I'm feeling!
I felt understood. I felt comforted know that somewhere someone knows how I am feeling. I'm not making a big deal out of it because it is a big deal. It's a genuine fear and it's valid. I wasn't alone.
I took a couple days off after that. I spent some days just contemplating. One question kept me up at night: Why did you start writing anyway? The answer is simple: I loved it.
I started writing because I loved writing. It made me happy when I finish a story. It makes me happy when I start a new story. I love the freedom that it gave me. I loved that everyday, it was a new journey for me. I was happy.
I realized that by putting other people's opinions first when I am writing, I am throwing away that freedom that it gives me.
After that, I deleted all of the works I posted online. I promised myself that I'll start writing again but this time I will write for my own satisfaction. I will write what I want to write not what people want to read. I will write for myself.
I've been slowly writing again. It's still not as much as before but it's a start. This time I'm no longer censoring myself. I no longer think of whether people will like it or not. I feel free.
Honestly, if it wasn't for that song I probably wouldn't have started writing again. I would've thought that it was not a big deal and that it's natural to let go of your childhood dreams as you grow older. But the truth is we dont have to give those dreams up right?
Tldr; Black Swan made me realize that the fear of losing your passion is a true fear but we can get over it as long as we remember why we started doing what we we're doing.
[Intro: Jimin]
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
What’s my thang?
What’s my thang? Tell me now
Tell me now
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Verse 1: Suga]
Ayy, the heart no longer races
When hearing the music play
Tryna pull up
Seems like time has stopped
Oh, that would be my first death
I been always afraid of
[Verse 2: RM]
If this can no longer resonate
No longer make my heart vibrate
Then like this may be how I die my first death
But what if that moment’s right now, right now?
[Pre-Chorus: V, Jimin]
Heartbeat pulsing slow in my ears bump, bump, bump
Try to flee but back into the maw jump, jump, jump
No song affects me anymore
Crying out a silent cry
[Chorus: All]
Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah
My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah
Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah
Killin’ me now, killin’ me now
Do you hear me? Yeah
Sinking slowly like in a trance, nah, nah, nah
Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah
Every moment becomes eternity, yeah, yeah, yeah
Film it now, film it now
Do you hear me? Yeah
[Refrain: Jimin, V]
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
What’s my thang?
What’s my thang? Tell me now
Tell me now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Verse 3: J-hope]
Deeper
Yeah, I think I’m goin’ deeper
I keep losing focus
No, just let go of me
Let my own feet carry me
I'll go in myself
In the deepest depths
I saw myself
[Verse 4: Suga]
Slowly, I open my eyes
I'm in my workroom, it's my studio
The waves
Go darkly by in a throe
But I'll never get dragged away again
Inside I saw myself, myself
[Pre-Chorus: V, Jin]
Heartbeat racing in my ears bump, bump, bump
Eyes wide open into my forest jump, jump, jump
Nothing can devour me
I shout out with ferocity
[Chorus: All]
Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah
My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah
Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah
Killin’ me now, killin’ me now
Do you hear me? Yeah
Sinking slowly like in a trance nah, nah, nah
Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah
Every moment becomes eternity yeah, yeah, yeah
Film it now, film it now
Do you hear me? Yeah
[Outro: Jin, Jungkook]
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
What’s my thang?
What’s my thang? Tell me now
Tell me now
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oooh boy, it's been a while.
When did I post this? 5 years ago? I don't remember anymore but it's been a journey.
I'm happy to say I've been writing again! And this time I do it for me! I restarted a 10 year old work in progress, I started another big writing project, and I've finished about 25 stories and it's fucking awesome!
I can't say everything turned out the way I hoped they would though. Past me thought I'd have at least one book published by now but present me is just taking it one step at a time. I'm loving writing again and the last thing I want to do is pressure myself to the point of hating it again.
I still love bts. In most of my stories, their songs are my inspiration. I don't think I could have done it without them, if I am being honest.
It's really nice, looking back at what I wrote. Can't say I found the 15 year old ambitious girl though because let's be honest, I could never be her because I've grown and I've changed. Instead, I'm an almost 28 year old girl who's doing her best to live each day of her life with love and no regrets. I think that's pretty cool.
Past me, you're pretty cool 😎 I know you're still a bit lost, a little confused, a little unsure about what you want to do in life. You're still that even in the present, but hey! You love yourself now!
You've been through a lot of shit but you're stronger, braver, wiser. I'm pretty damn proud. Pretty fucking proud.
It's lovely to see how far we've come. I'm excited to see who we will become 💜