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Weight of my heart [Part 2]

→ Part 1 here

WC: 11.7k | For other works→ Master list

A/n: Fortunately this took me less time to write than the first part but I was genuinely excited and happy while writing this part. So, I hope you don't hate me for the WC and enjoy reading this as much as I loved writing it. Special mentions of "Hate You" by Jungkook for inspiring me to keep writing. There is definitely going to be more works on this genre.

Summary: After 18 months of military service, Jin, your childhood best friend has returned and so has much more..

Perhaps there were some questions you'll never know the answers to. Perhaps you'll always run out of time to confess what you truly felt for Jin. Maybe in the race of winning his love, you'll always lose because someone will always beat you to it.

Your heart sank in your chest the moment your eyes fell upon Jin. You had gone around the whole room looking for him and when you did, your heart dropped. You turned around just as soon as you had seen it as if turning around would make you forget what you had seen, as if you'd forget the twitch of pain you felt.

He was with Ha-Yun, dancing. His hands resting on her back while she leaned in to whisper something in his ears and he had laughed. A soft laugh you had heard often. They seemed comfortable.

And only thought crossed your mind, it could have been you. It could have been you if you had reached there soon. If you had taken his hands in your own sooner than her.

A bitter feeling rose in your chest at the thought of the two of them together. Ha-Yun had only talked to you an hour before about wanting to ask him out and in the time you were weighing your decision, she had already made her move. She didn't even know you liked him. She even told you about it then why were you bitter? Because she actually did something about her feelings? But it wasn't wrong of her to do that. She liked him and now she was making it clear. She wasn't you. She didn't wait for the right moment, she did not calculate all the risks involved, she did not think if he was going to reject her, instead she went for it. You hated her spontaneity but perhaps that's why she had been in and out of love while you have been stuck on Jin for longer than you've realized.

And so you realize that you've missed your chance, yet again.

Hoseok was right. While you waited for the correct moment, you've already lost him to somebody else. Jin wasn't going to wait for you. Time was not going to wait for you. This is what you have always done, waited and waited and you'd wait longer until someone else would come in and take him away.

Whatever courage you had momentarily found after talking to Hoseok had now disappeared. Perhaps this is how it'll always be. Carrying the weight of your feelings, alone.

Pained you try to leave the party silently before it even ends without telling Jin, however, as if you were connected through a magnetic pull, he found you, just as you were waiting for your cab to arrive.

“Do you have teleportation skills or what? It's really hard to find you today.” He asked, running out of breath. It seemed he had run here.

You shook your head, replacing your bitter emotions with nonchalant expressions. Right now you wished you possessed those skills so you could escape him.

“Looked everywhere for you inside.” He huffed.

“Why? Did you want something? I was just bidding my parents off.” You replied.

Jin looked at you quizzically for a second, “is something wrong?”

You shook your head, your face expressionless.

“Are you feeling unwell?” He asked again, concern lacing his voice. He really couldn’t figure what could have happened in the span of an hour that you were desperate to leave without even telling him. Why didn't you tell him you were leaving? The last time he had seen you, you were laughing on the balcony with Hoseok but right now you seemed far from the person he had watched from a distance on the balcony. His concern was justified.

You still shook your head, denying.

“Did someone say something to you?” He asked, stepping closer to you. His concern only bothered you more because you knew his concern came from a place of friendship.

“I’m really fine. I’m just cold waiting for my cab."

The moment those slipped past your mouth, he had taken off his jacket and hung it across your shoulder gently even though his expressions seemed irritated, mumbling something about waiting outside in the cold. You weren’t surprised at his gesture, he had done that too many times for you to count without realising its effect on you.

Before you knew it he was snatching your phone away from your hand and cancelling your ride.

“Jin, what are you doing? Do you even know how long it took me to get a cab?” Irritation and frustration were clear in your voice but in your attempts to take your phone back, you stumbled over your foot and collapsed into Jin who instantly held you, his hand supporting your back instantly while the other grabbed your waist.

You stay in that position for a moment, staring at him, your heart beating loudly at his gaze, unable to look away from him.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his eyebrows knitting together while his hands remained on your body.

Clearing your throat, you pulled away from his grasp after a moment and took your phone away from him, “I’m-okay, just tired. Try standing in heels for 3 hours and you’ll know.”

“Then give them to me.” He was joking but you didn’t know whether to be irritated or laugh at him but it dissolved some of your composure which he was quick to notice and smiled at his victory.

“Come on, I’ll take you home,” he didn't even wait for you to answer, instead he just grabbed you and headed towards his car. You had no other option but to comply with his wishes. As you always have.

You remained quiet in the car, not having the heart to look at Jin, not having the heart to satisfy your curiosity if Ha-Yun really had asked him out but it didn’t mean he didn’t look at you. He couldn’t help but be concerned for you. To him you seemed distant

“Y/n, are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to stop at the pharmacy?” He asked. All his attention lingered on you.

You shook your head, "I'm okay."

"Y/n, do you want me to punch someone? Should I turn around?" He was joking obviously and it worked, a little at least.

You turned to him and he finally smiled as if he was happy that he had won your attention.

“Can I ask you something?” You finally asked, your hands fumbling in your lap.

“Whatever you want.” At this point he was willing to answer even the absurdest question as long as it would mean you’d look at him, that you’d talk to him.

“Have you ever thought about what we would be if we weren’t best friends?” This time you turned your head to look at him.

Jin's attention faltered from the road and spared a glance at you, "Why wouldn't we be friends?"

"You think we'll always be best friends? Even if we had met some other way. Some other time, some other place?"

You watched him smile and he reached your hand over your lap, "any other time, any other day, any other universe, I will always choose you as my best friend."

You smiled sadly as you stared at your hands in your lap. Best friends. That's what you'll be.

So much for hoping for more.

"I saw you dancing. It looked like you had fun." That's all you said before you leaned against the window and closed your eyes. Even if Jin had a reply, you didn't hear it. You don't think you wanted to.

You don’t realize when you slept until Jin softly tapped you awake and you noticed you have reached your place.

The car felt much warmer than it had been when you first sat in. It had been him. You apologized for falling asleep and reached the door but he stopped you.

“Y/n, just wait.”

You watched carefully as he leaned behind your seat and took out a bag. You waited as he opened the bag to reveal slippers inside it.

"Wear these."

You stared at him for a second longer as he leaned forward and kept the slippers adjacent to your feet.

You realized at that moment why you loved him. It wasn't because of familiarity. It was because he was who he is. He would do the bare minimum but your heart would flutter because nobody had ever done it for you so you would think it special but that's just who he was. Just like now. The way he offered you his jacket without thinking, how he had turned up the heater in the car so you slept comfortably, that he had carried spare slippers and offered it to you. You loved him for the things he didn't even pay attention to, he did those things thoughtlessly but to someone who had been hopelessly in love with him for years on end, it anchored your feelings to permanence.

You wanted to ask if he did that for every one but you knew you wouldn't be able to appetize the answer so you don't. Not after you had seen him with Ha-Yun. Even if he did it for everyone, just for tonight you could feel special but tomorrow you'll remind yourself again that it wasn't special. It's just him being himself.

Jin's expressions were unreadable as you smiled at him and said, "Always know how to make a girl feel special."

You took off your heels and slipped into comfortable slippers he gave you.

“Are you really that tired or is it something else?” He asked.

“I really am that tired,” mentally but you don’t tell him that.

“Do you want me to cook you something?” He asked, worried.

You shook your head with a pursed smile, “Just need some sleep, that’s it. You should go home.”

He couldn’t ask any further. If there was one thing he knew you did was shut off every time something would happen and all he could do was wait for the time when you’d be able to come and talk about it. Over the years he had seen that multiple times, there were even patterns but he was oblivious of it.

He doesn't ask anymore, instead he just watched you walk away from the car, towards your building. Alone in the car he sighed, and then he took out his phone and texted you.

[12:47 am]

Seokjin: Whatever it is, I hope you're okay. I'm here for you.

You don't see Jin for a while. At first it was unintentional, it really had been a busy month with auditing but then it had become intentional.

You were avoiding Jin, to protect your own heart. To erase everything Hoseok had given you hope for and go back to your normal life. To pretend you weren't in love with your best friend because that was the only thing you knew how to do. All because you had received pictures from Hoseok when you were working at the office on the weekend. It was a picture of all three, Jin, Ha-Yun and Hoseok on an amusement park ride and attached to it was a picture of just Jin and Ha-Yun eating ice cream sitting together. Hoseok had sent a "?" to ask you what was going on and you will not deny, you zoomed in on the picture to see both of them eating chocolate ice cream but all you had sent back was a thumbs up and told him to have fun together.

Jin had of course asked you to accompany them on the plan but he didn't force you and you really wanted to focus on something else for a while so you had denied. And you were glad you did.

Then a couple of days later you received another dinner picture then another week later you received another picture. But in all honesty you were able to switch to your normal life, one that wasn't built around Jin even though you still kept thinking of him. You were finally able to suppress your feelings for him. You were willing to wait on the side line and maybe someday you'll be able to move on, let go of any hope you never admitted you carried.

But just how you can't push the door close when there's pressure from the other end, you too came crashing down in a single night on Jin's birthday.

You were meeting him after a long time and momentarily you forgot you had created a distance between you two. All your suppressed feelings came to the surface. One look at him and you forgot that you had been in pain because of him, you forgot that all these weeks you avoided him so you could learn how to dismiss all your hopes. You forgot you had practiced the art of loving in silence.

Tonight your love was loud, shattering, even bitter. You had let yourself melt in the hug when you wished him and he told you that it had been so long since he last saw you that he was forgetting your face, that he missed you, and actually said the words. And that was perhaps the first mistake. You shouldn't have forgotten but you did. You shouldn't have let yourself get carried away.

You laughed with him, drank with him, talked with him, even danced with him. For the first time in a while you truly felt that it was just about the two of you. It truly felt easier to be around him, to be with him. For the first time in a while you didn't feel the crushing weight of missing your chances with him.

But all it took was one glance at Ha-Yun and Jin talking and laughing in the kitchen and you were instantly reminded of the months of rebuilding you had done. All the walls you had built up.

Right. You were always the second option.

Your eyes lingered on their figures in the kitchen long enough for Hoseok and even his friend to notice it and like a good friend Hoseok did the only thing he knew, distract you.

"Y/n, you wanna play?" Hoseok asked, blocking your vision. You turned to the video game his friends had put on and with a forced smile you agreed. It was going to be your escape mechanism.

You spent a good part of the night gaming with other boys, drinking, eating that you barely register how many drinks you had drunk. In trying to drown Jin and Ha-Yun's voices, you had been louder, your laugh had been louder, your drinks had been more and inevitably it took a toll on you late at night when you stumbled on your way to the washroom.

You didn't even know Jin had followed you into the bedroom when you went to the washroom. You stayed there for a long time, collecting yourself, washing your face, just staring at yourself in the mirror for the absurdity of tonight. You couldn't even recognise the person in the mirror but you promised yourself that if this was becoming unbearable you'll take space from Jin until you were better.

You had been there long enough and Jin grew worried by every passing second. After you were in there for over 15 minutes, he decided to knock and ask if you were fine.

"Y/n, are you alright in there? It's been a long time."

Maybe you didn't heard him so he knocked again. But after the third attempt, you hear the knock and opened the door.

And there he was, his hair dishevelled, hands in the air as if he was about to knock again, his eyes wide that showed just how worried he was.

You smiled at him and nodded, "I'm okay. Just needed some time. You know I'm not a social person."

He wasn't convinced though. He grabbed your hand and made you sit on the bed as he kneeled in front of you.

"I'm okay, really-"

"Do you know how many drinks you had?" He asked, finding the bottle of water on his nightstand and opened it for you.

You pretentiously thought for a moment but it made him more worried so you just chuckled and told him the truth, "maybe 5 or 6? Definitely not more than 6."

He shook his hands in front of you in a fast wave, "how many fingers are these?"

You rolled your eyes, "three. Are you done?"

He grew relieved and offered you water.

"had me worried there for a second when you stumbled in here. Thought you were throwing up." He said watching you drink the water.

You smiled at him, "what would you have done had I not opened the door?"

"knocked it down." There wasn't even a hint of quip in his voice. It sounded like he really would have.

You patted his shoulder and snickered, "and made me pay for the damage?"

He shook his head trying to stifle his laugh.

You follow his face, your face adorned with a smile. You poked his face as he tried to keep a serious demeanor.

"Come on, I'm okay. You've seen worse."

He took your hand that was poking his face and looked up at you.

"I can't be sure, you're old now."

You gasped loudly, making him laugh. You mockingly touched your heart.

"I'm never recovering from that statement."

He was still laughing but he took a seat next to you.

"There's definitely a lot of truth to it."

You rolled your eyes at him, "says the man whose birthday just turned him a year older."

"Please, I'm young at heart." The statement made you laugh and you momentarily lean into Jin, one he doesn't push away instead you think he leaned into you.

Once you both stop laughing, you stared at both of your feet lying adjacent to each other. He was wearing pineapple socks you had given him last year while he was still in the military. You smiled at the memory.

"Do you have a foot fetish?" He asked as he noticed your line of sight.

You made a disgusted face at him, "do you ever use your brain before speaking?"

His lower puckered out that you couldn't bring yourself to look away from, then smiling he shook his head, "if I have to use my brain when I'm with you then why are we friends?"

And there it hit you again. Friends.

You couldn't help but scoff inwardly at the word. Friends weren't supposed to think about kissing while looking at their lips.

He nudged you when you didn't say anything.

"What's wrong?"

You let out a breath and divert the question, "Are you and Ha-Yun going out?"

The question shocked him to say the least. He was taken aback at the sudden inquiry, his face turning into a frown.

"Who told you that?"

You shrugged, "saw you in the kitchen. You both seemed cozy."

Jin looked at you as if he couldn't believe whatever you said, disgusted even but he tried not to show it.

He shook his head, "told you I wanted to enjoy my single life while I still could."

You closed your eyes, chuckling in disbelief, "Right."

"Why? You don't believe me?" He asked.

You shook your head, "that's not it."

"Then what?"

"Someone like you can't be single for long."

"and why is that?" He seemed curious.

You turned your gaze at him, looking in his eyes.

"Because you're every girl's dream."

He really couldn't help but laugh in utter disbelief.

"I'm being honest. If I screamed from the top of the building and asked who wanted to date you, an entire line would pull up."

He had an amused reaction, his eyebrows shooting up, "you really think?"

You nodded.

"Well then I'm glad you're not in that line." He said.

You keep staring at him at the complete oblivion of your feelings for him. Not once had Jin assumed you could ever feel for him the way you do. How quick he had always been to dismiss the idea of anything more.

So you keep staring wondering if he'd really ever figure it out on his own if you never told him.

"What?"

But you don't know if he would have because you told him.

"You are my dream. You've always been my dream, Jin."

An unattainable dream.

His breath physically stops short, his face suddenly horrified, all the blood rushes away from his face, turning him paler than he was.

"Y/n-"

"I love you."

You didn't even know tears had prickled in your eyes until you felt a drop on your cheek. And then you realize that he wasn't looking blurry because of the alcohol but because there were tears in your eyes.

Tears because after all these years you had finally confessed what you felt and you can't even describe the weight that was lifted off your heart.

He knew. He finally knew.

And as you had always expected, he doesn't say anything to you. His face goes blank. In every scenario you had ever thought you've always reached a conclusive end where the sentence always starts with 'But I don't..' and right now you weren't eager to know what he could have said instead you waited to see how long it would take for him to tell you that he didn't feel the same and break your heart.

You didn't wait for reciprocation, you never have, instead you waited for a heart break. The truth you have always known.

And then he finally spoke,

"Y/n- I don't.." and he paused.

You don't know if it was because he was finding the right words or he was trying to soften the blow but it was enough for you to know that the more you stayed here with him, the more your chest constricted, the more your throat went dry and the more your heart physically ached in ways you didn't even know was possible.

Taking your sign, you stood up.

"I'll leave."

It was finally done. You've ripped your years-long band aid off. You had told him how you felt. He didn't feel the same way and now, finally you can move on. Or try to.

"What?" Confusion was clear on his face.

"I'll just leave." You sniff, collecting yourself together, standing up.

"Y/n, you're drunk." He sighed and stood with you.

"And how does that make any difference?" It really didn't. If anything you were glad alcohol gave you the courage to confess.

"At least let me drop you off."

You shook your head. You were afraid that if you stayed a second more you'd crash into the floor with pain, with this unimaginable pain you could never explain to him.

"I need to be alone."

"Y/n, stay-"

You shook your head and took your leave.

You didn't even make it home properly before tears streamed down your face. You don't even close the door properly before you slip against it and over the floor clutching your chest at the pain you felt. All these years of loving him and you had never felt the insurmountable pain that you felt now because this was finally real. All your imagination had failed you, reality was more bitter than even the worst expectations. Nothing had hurt the way this did, not even when he had cried in your arms for somebody else but the weight of his silence, the weight of his rejection had been too much.

And nobody prepares you for the pain you feel when someone you love doesn't feel the same way about you.

Like every other person you had a naive hope that just maybe, just maybe he would have taken you in his arms and told you that he loved you too but he didn't. Jin didn't. Instead what you were met with were the exact words you had always feared. All your hope finally crumbled like glass, you were crumbling in pieces and you didn't even know what to do.. there was no best friend to run to.

That night you didn't only lose the one person you loved but you also lost the only person who was your home. You've lost your best friend and it left a bigger hole in your chest.

You don't know what you hated more as you cried a river until the morning.

Telling the truth to Hoseok came much, much later but he was there for you then.

For days you cried, sometimes on your own, on your way back from work, while watching TV. And there were times when you just felt the pain but no tears came.

Hoseok then held you when you felt numb and as you cried until you had no tears left but he didn't know how to make it any better just like you didn't. He didn't even know what to tell you because he couldn't ask you to move on from the person you've been in love with for years and you don't ask him to tell you anything, you only asked him to stay with you when you missed Jin.

There was however one thing he said that you tried not to pay attention to but you also knew one day you'll have to face the music.

"You need to talk to him. Not right now but whenever you are in a better place. Tell him that you need space instead of icing him out."

By that he meant to ask you to not throw two decades of friendship to waste. You knew even if you iced him out today, there was going to be a day when you'd have to face him whether you liked it or not.

You just didn't expect that day to come this soon. 2 weeks of no contact was broken at a family lunch. You had tried getting out of it, refused the invite too many times but your mother threatened to show up at your place if you didn't show up. You knew you'd have to face Jin and there was nothing that prepared you for that. At last you decided, you'd leave earlier so you wouldn't have to stay for the whole thing.

You were finishing setting up the table when Jin arrived. Your eyes averted to him at the door and he couldn't take his eyes away from you either but you were the first one to break the staring contest. You don't greet him, you weren't there yet but there was a part of you that hated not being able to talk to him. You missed him dearly but this was for your own sake.

You didn't speak to each other during lunch at all even as you sat across from each other, even when you both reached for the same thing, even when he coughed choking on a spring onion. It was like two strangers at a table and it was so foreign because you've never known these faces of each other.

"Why are you two so quiet today? Did something happen? Y/n, did you beat him up?" Your father asked.

You gasped, "Appa¹."

Jin intervened, shaking his head, "I'm just stressed. Going back to work has been hectic..."

Jin took the whole conversation to himself, he kept talking about his return to work and you knew he did it to divert attention from the elephant in the room. He was trying to take the steam off you so nobody questioned you anymore and you felt a swell of pain in your chest at that. He was being considerate but you loved it and hated it the same. You didn't want him to be honest but you didn't need him to be your knight in shining armour.

Unfortunately, you weren't able to leave earlier. You should have known. By the time you decided to leave it was past 8 pm and you were outside debating whether you should take a cab or not when both of your families came out to bid you goodbyes.

"Y/n, did you bring your car?" Mrs. Kim asked. You politely shook your head.

"In repair. It broke down a few days ago."

"Perfect then, Jinie will drop you," she said excitedly. You both share a look with each other but you don't say anything.

Jin's father patted his back loud enough to hear a smack, "he was going to drop her anyway, isn't it?"

You hesitated telling them that you'd take a cab or take a subway but it would only result in more suspicion and Jin sensed that too. Better at you than tackling difficult situations he spoke up.

"I'll drop her off, don't worry. I'll just bring my car around." He said. You don't even get a chance to say anything before he is off to bring the car.

You stayed there with boxes full of food both the mother's packed for both you and him, not even packing it in separate boxes. They said you could split it on your own. If only they knew that you haven't even spoken to each other in 2 weeks.

Just in time he brought his car and opened the door for you. He took the boxes from your hands and kept them in the backseat before getting in the driver seat.

As soon as you both were far enough from the house you finally spoke up, "Drop me off at the nearest train station. I'll go from there. You can take the food with you."

"So, you can speak." He doesn't hide his sarcasm at all. He doesn't even try to hide the fact that he was fuming. You saw his knuckles turn white from gripping the steering wheel tighter. His jaw clenched but you didn't say anything about it. You didn't know you could have said that would make this situation any better.

"Jin, we just crossed the station." You said as soon as the train station went past you.

"I know." He replied. His attention never turned away from the road.

"Drop me off right there, I'll walk till the sta-"

"If you don't want to talk to me, don't, but I'm dropping you off." His anger was visible in his voice.

"Jin, stop the car-"

It only took one look from him before you shut up.

"If you want to sleep you can. I won't say anything."

Defeated, you don't intervene further. You knew he would never let you go alone as long as you were with him. That's not who he was.

And for the first time silence felt the heaviest. You couldn't help but constantly think about how much you missed him. If you hadn't opened your mouth on his birthday right about now he would be making you laugh with some dad joke. If you hadn't told him how you felt, he would be talking non stop and you'd be mesmerized to see him talk. If you hadn't told him how you felt, you wouldn't be missing him when he was right next to you.

He only spoke to you when you reached your apartment and he helped you carry boxes of food upstairs.

"You can keep these boxes." But as he didn't hear you in the car, this time you don't.

You opened the door to your apartment and immediately entered the kitchen, placing boxes on the counter.

"I'll leave-"

"I'll transfer these into other boxes so you can take them." You tell him already searching for the boxes.

"I said I don't need th-"

"Would this be enough?" You showed him the boxes. Sighing he nodded.

He watched you as you transferred the food in other boxes in silence. There were so many things he wanted to say, things you wanted to tell him but neither of you spoke up. Tension thick enough that it could not be cut with a knife either.

And after you were done you handed him the boxes, "You don't have to return these."

He nodded.

"And, don't save me the next time our parents say something. You can tell them the truth."

Whatever composure Jin was carrying with him collapsed when you said it.

He scoffed, dropping the boxes back on the counter, "told them the truth? What truth are you talking about Y/n? That I've been texting you for the last two weeks and you haven't returned a single call, a single message, that you were icing me out?"

You nodded, "Yeah, you can tell them that."

He let out a frustrated scoff, his hands running through his hair.

"Aren't you being too much? I only ever asked you if we could talk."

Your face clenched and your voice rose as equal as his, "and talk about what exactly?"

"Talk about us, Y/n, Us!" His voice grew even louder. You've rarely seen him as angry as he was right now.

"What 'us' Jin? There is no us! I told you how I felt-"

"and then you stormed away. You couldn't even own up to your confession."

It hurt you, it really hurt you the way he spoke to you. No matter what had happened between the two of you, he had never used that tone with you before and you couldn't tolerate his anger. He didn't deserve to be angry. You did.

"How else do I own up to my confession? Should I tell you again? Should I lay out to you, text you, scream from the top of the building, or tell everyone in passing that I love Jin and embarrass myself more if this wasn't enough."

He turned away from you, his chest heaving and suddenly as if he couldn't take it anymore he turned around and came closer to you, "For starters you shouldn't have told me that when you were drunk."

You bit the inside of your cheek and stepped forward so you were facing him, standing tall against him, your tears threatened to spill your eyes but you stood firm, "Don't tell me anything about drunken confessions. At least I didn't drunkenly kiss you and pretended it never happened."

Struck with a blow his face turned pale, "You-"

"I remember that kiss. The one you lied about. It was so easy for you to lie about it but I can't lie about it. I wouldn't. I'm not you. If you want to pretend my confession never happened for you, go ahead but I wouldn't turn away from my confessions like you did." You didn't know where all the bitterness came from but letting out the truth felt much free.

"Why didn't you ever say anything about it?" His voice, though still angry, was suddenly much calmer.

"about what?"

"About the kiss? Why did you pretend it never happened?" He closed his eyes for a second letting out a long breath. And although his voice was calm, his demeanor wasn't.

"Because-" you tried to say something, but nothing came out.

"Because what?" He asked again.

"Because I didn't know how to. You were in love with someone else and you were in pain because of some other girl. I couldn't stand there and accept that we kissed and ask if it only mattered to me."

Your heart shattered as you saw his eyes well up with tears. He was angry for whatever reason and you could understand that but you couldn't understand why this would make him cry.

"Your problem is that you never confronted me. That's why you stormed out that night. That's why you can't own up to your confession."

It pissed you off to no end. You didn't want to hate yourself for loving him, you didn't want to hate yourself for kissing him, you didn't want to hate yourself for confessing to him because you already did but you never imagined, you never wanted him to use your confession as a weapon against you. You hated it and you hated him right for the way he was making you feel for loving him, for the way you told him how you felt.

"Get out." You said and then again, louder this time.

"I said get out."

Baffled, he stood there for a moment but when you didn't say anything again he turned around and left.

That night, you watched him walk away from your door. He didn't turn around, not even once but you watched him stay in his car for a long time before he drove away. And only then you cried. Only then you let yourself feel the pain of his words, only then do you hate yourself for hurting him the way you did, only then do you hate him for saying the truth.

He was right. You didn't own up to your confession. You couldn't. Why? Because you didn't want to hear the words "But I don't feel the same way." You loved him but you wanted to protect yourself from the earth shattering pain of actually hearing a rejection and you didn't think it was wrong. It was the only thing you could do for yourself and somehow Jin had made you hate yourself for it.

All that time you cried, in pain, in anger, it never occurred to you that he was angry too, and that you never asked why he was so mad at you when all you did was tell how you felt.

In all the fights you've had with Jin this was by far the longest, and the most hurtful but in a weird way it made it easier for you to deal with the outcome of your confession. The way you two had fought had left you angry with each other and you assumed he was pissed at you too because in the last 2 weeks he didn't reach out even once. Maybe it was all for the better, maybe you needed this to feel better because since that night you haven't cried even once, you felt sad but didn't cry.

And Hoseok said it was an improvement. After having seen you cry for and feel numb over Jin, he said the fight brought back some colour in you and you didn't know whether to laugh at that or agree to it. And so he called for a celebration in the most unusual way.

Clubbing.

You refused at first, arguing that you were more of a homebody and that clubbing wasn't your thing but in his words it was the best way to celebrate. And you felt bad for calling and crying to him so often that you decided you could do this for him. If something happens, you'll leave the place soon.

So, there you were dressed up in the same black dress you wore at Hoseok's parents anniversary because it fit the occasion really well and it was also the only black dress you had (Hoseok had given you a theme for whatever reason).

You entered the club alone because Hoseok said he was stuck in traffic. He told you to enjoy yourself for a while before he arrived so you let yourself be a little free. After weeks of wrenching pain, you allowed yourself a little freedom.

You sat at the bar and ordered drinks for the two of you and Hoseok arrived just a bit after you had ordered and he immediately took you to the dance floor without even greeting you.

In his words it was dumb not to dance at a club, so with a drink in your hand you danced uncomfortably at first but then you gradually remember your moves from your early twenties when clubbing was a frequent thing. You let yourself get mixed up in the electrifying air of the club. Bodies dancing, people screaming, drinks. You let yourself loose, you let yourself have fun, you let yourself forget everything that has happened with Jin in a while. At that moment everything could wait. You decided you deserved this.

But as if the universe had other plans, your eyes fell upon a man who looked too familiar to be a stranger. It was an uncanny similarity to the broad shoulders you've been used to seeing. You don't even realise when Hoseok was replaced by some other man behind you when the familiar man in front of you turned and it revealed to be Jin.

You almost gasped, you think you did but you're unsure as you kept watching Jin who had found you just as immediately as you had. He looked devilishly handsome and for some moments you don't remember the pain, the fight, all you remember is your love for him. All you see is your best friend you've been in love with for as long as you can remember. Your best friend who has always looked good in leather, your friend who looked unfairly hot, your friend tall enough to tower you, and every thought a friend shouldn't have went through your head.

You keep staring at him, watching his features twitch, especially the way his jaw clenched and the way he raised an eyebrow at you. It only occurred to you that he was real when you felt a hand on your back and you immediately realized that it couldn't have been Hoseok. He'd never touch you the way this man did and you visibly flinched. But before you could even react, turn around and shout at whoever it was, Jin had taken the matters in his own hands and had dragged you to him and for once you were glad that he did. A relief ran through you at the familiar figure but it doesn't take long before Jin is taking you out of the club and to his car.

"Not a word." He said before you could even say anything. You followed his lead as he opened the door to his car and you sat down quietly. It doesn't occur to you at all that you left Hoseok alone, inside.

All your focus was on the way Jin clutched at the steering and was speeding at an unusual speed. He was mad? That was your best guess but truth be told now that you were out of the club, you felt more relaxed. You were glad you had found Jin there even though you haven't spoken to him in days.

For the first time in a while Jin pulled up at his place.

"I thought-"

"Let's go upstairs and talk." That's all he said until you reached his apartment.

You entered his place to a citrus smell that you immediately identified because of the tangerines on the kitchen top.

"I'll do a cab and-"

"I thought you liked me?" He said, taking off his jacket hastily and tossing it aside.

"What?" You frowned.

"I thought you liked me but there you were at the club dancing with a random guy." His jaw was clenched.

This was frustrating. Whatever was going on between the two of you, it was irritating you.

"Why do you care?" You asked, taking off your coat as well. His place was unusually warm.

"I care if you dance with a random man." He said towering you and you realized then that you hadn't even made it into the living room. You were fighting again, at his doorstep.

"Exactly. Why do you care if I was dancing with a random man? It's not like you like me."

You watch him close his eyes and release a frustrated sigh.

"Why do you always have to have the last word? Why do you always have to assume everything? Why can't you just- for just one fucking time stop assuming you know everything about me!"

You scoffed with a sarcastic laugh and looked away from him for just a second then looked up back at him.

"You think I don't. I know you better than you know yourself."

He stepped even closer, making you take a step back, and another step and another.

"No, Y/n, you don't. You always assume everything. You always assume what someone is going to say to you. You always assume you know better. You always assume that whatever you think is right without caring if it's true or not."

Your face clenched again. You weren't going to stand there and take more of Jin's yelling.

"I can't fight with you again, I'm leaving." You said taking your coat and turning around to open the door but Jin's words stopped you dead in your tracks.

"You always assumed I never felt the same about you."

And for the first time today his voice had gone softer.

You turn too hastily to see him wearing a sad expression.

"You- you- what did you just say?"

Jin gave a small smile and took your coat away from your hand, dropping it without looking.

"Had you not stormed out that night, you would have heard the end of my sentences. You stormed out, then you ghosted me, then you fought with me. You always assumed that I was going to turn you down but you never asked me if I felt the same or not. You never asked what I felt."

All your emotions crash into you. Tears gather in your eyes and you feel yourself pulled towards him, "You like me?"

He chuckled and took your hand bringing you closer to him.

"Why didn't you let me say anything? Why don't you?"

You bit your lip, he was teasing you, testing you but you were too close to crying your eyes out.

"Jin- just- do you really like me?"

Knowing you well enough and seeing you frustrated, he cupped your face, "I do. Hell, I love you but you didn't let me say it. You rushed out before I could tell you that. Had you not assumed my response, you would have heard this sentence, Y/n, I don't think we should talk about this right now but tell me this tomorrow morning and I'll tell you that I love you too."

"That I love you too." He repeated and you felt a tear drop down your face that he's quick to wipe it away.

And then you let yourself weep against his chest as a huge weight was taken away from your chest. You were clutching at his chest because you couldn't believe that all along, all this time he had loved you too but your stupid self had pushed him away so that he couldn't even tell you that he loved you too.

Your unrequited love was no longer one sided.

"Tell me again." You said hugging closer to his body.

You feel his chest vibrate in a soft laugh and he said it again, caressing your hair, "I love you Y/n."

And then you look up and tell him again, this time without fearing he'll run away.

"I love you Jin, I've loved you for far too long."

His eyes poured into yours and he couldn't believe the words you have said. He really couldn't but this time instead of running away you leaned forward and kissed him.

You finally kiss him. Those soft pillowy lips you had kissed only once in a drunken state when you didn't even know what you felt but this time it was real, this was better, much better than anything you've ever experienced and more than you, he couldn't believe this was real. His hands slid into your hair and behind your neck as he intensified the kiss. You were crying but the more the kiss intensified the more you forgot to cry, the more you let yourself melt into the kiss.

And you lose it when without a warning his tongue grazes across your lips making you moan allowing him to slip his tongue past your lips.

Your hands fumbled at the collar of his shirt and before you could decide what to do with it, you pulled him closer, downwards to your height that he fumbled and you both crashed into the wall behind you making you break away from the kiss with a gasp.

You feel him smile against your lips but neither of you open your eyes.

"I can't believe I finally get to kiss you." He breathed.

You arched into him and said, "Why'd you stop?"

Hypnotized by you, he moaned and kissed you even harder now. This time he doesn't even let air get in between the two of you. His lips that felt like feathers before now seemed to pull at your lips, tug at them, making you lose whatever rationality you had left in your mind. This felt natural.

Kissing him felt like everything you've ever known but also every thing you can't believe you haven't been doing everyday.

One of his hands reached behind your waist and pulled you flushed against him while the other made its way into your hair. His lips mould into you like architecture, perfect, fitted. He quickly learned that pulling at your lower lip made you moan, that it made you gasp every time you would try to separate for air and he wouldn't let you because he wasn't done with you yet.

And just as naturally you learnt that he moaned the loudest when you rutted against him while your tongue was in his mouth. You realized that he liked his lower lip being tugged at but it drove him insane if you so much so even grazed your tongue across his upper lip.

You don't realize when his lips left your mouth and went down your neck. The pleasure had been too much. You only noticed it when you let out a loud moan and Jin had to practically pull away and look at you in amusement.

And so he did it again. He kissed your neck, then sucked at it, bit it and then ran his tongue over it in feather touch again eliciting the same reaction from you.

"Fuck-" he moaned against your neck and you really couldn't take it anymore. He had the most skilled mouth and you were wondering about hundred other ways he could use his mouth all over you and that thought alone drove you insane.

"You have no clue what this dress did to me that night." He was still kissing your neck, and you don't complain.

You smile at the sensation of his hand gripping your waist tighter.

"Bet it wasn't as much as your red shirt undid me."

He let out a moan at your response and pulled away to rest his forehead against yours, "I don't think you noticed but I couldn't take my eyes off you that night. Wanted to do so many things- thought about you in every way a friend shouldn't."

You looked him in his eyes and tugged at his shirt, "we've already ruined this friendship. Do everything you wanted to."

You didn't know a man's growl could make you feel feral but he did. He didn't stop, he didn't hesitate anymore. His hand reached the end of your dress and pulled it up until it was bunched against your waist. He doesn't even realise the effect he had on you, the way you were melting under his touch as his fingers grazed against your thighs or he knew exactly what he was doing and that's why he kept driving you insane.

And then his hand reached the string of your dress over your shoulder and pulled it away kissing your shoulder as he did.

"Do you like it?"

Your response came with sliding your hand under his shirt and touching him. He stopped physically for a moment as your nails raked his chest. And to make it worse your access to his neck and to kiss along his neck made him more desperate for you than he had ever imagined.

"Need to have you- Y/n, I can't-" he moaned and he slipped the other string of your dress.

"Need you too." You moaned next to his ear and that was all it took for him to take you into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him and manhandling you into the bed.

You smiled as he climbed on top of you, tossing his shirt aside, losing your sanity at his bare chest. His knees rested on the bed next to your thighs and he kept staring at your dishevelled state, your hair had proof of his hand running through it. Your neck had proof of his kisses, your lips swollen as an aftermath.

"Why are you staring?" You finally asked, feeling more naked than you were.

Then he leaned and kissed you on the mouth again.

"Can't believe my imagination is becoming real."

You chuckled but you ended up moaning as you felt his hands drop over your chest.

"I've imagined about you too."

He lifted his gaze to look at you. His eyes blown out with lust.

"Really?"

You nodded.

Then he smiled, smirked if you were right as he found the zipper of your dress and began taking off your dress. It doesn't take long before it's off and thrown away somewhere in the room and he's surprised at the sight of your bare chest.

He gulped as he looked at your chest. Blood rushed to your face as you realized your nakedness but as if he realised the actual purpose of taking off your dress he leaned down to your chest and whispered,

"Tell me everything you've imagined."

The request shocks you. You didn't know Jin was vocal in bed. You've thought of Him in bed in every way possible but never this. You had never imagined that but the idea of it alone generated a wet pool between your legs.

His fingers lightly grazed over your right nipple and he repeated, "tell me Y/n, what have you thought about me."

You gasped, your nipples hardening under his touch and just as you opened your mouth, his mouth found a better purpose on your chest. He placed open kisses between the valley of your chest leaving you a moaning mess and to make it worse his hands never left giving attention to your nipples, rolling and pinching it between his fingers.

"You- thought about your-" you moaned louder at a particular pull and Jin chuckled softly.

"about my what? My mouth?" He asked.

You nodded.

"Words, Y/n."

"Your mouth on- on my- breasts." You let out a heavy breath.

"Like this." And you whined, quivered at the way his lips sucked at your nipples. At first it wasn't harsh, only peppering it with kisses but the more you arched into him, the more he took your nipple in his mouth and sucked it, licked it, tugged at it with his teeth.

Your hand automatically fell into his hair and tugged at them but he intertwined your hands with his own leaving you quivering.

"What more? What else did you think about me?"

You shook your head, the pleasure was starting to get to you.

Jin pulled away from your chest and climbed over you so he was at face level with you.

He tuts, "I've barely begun."

You didn't mean to let out a moan but his words had you melting.

He smirked then leaned down to kiss your cheek, "is it too much?"

You immediately shook your head.

"Then do you want me to tell you everything I've thought about you?" He asked as if it wasn't the dirtiest question he had ever asked you.

You bit your lip then nodded, you really did want to know.

He smirked and before you knew it his hands were already pulling at your underwear and taking them off.

"Tell me if it's too much." It came as a sincere request but it didn't really look like he would stop if you told him that he drove you insane right now.

You nodded and then without hesitation he kissed behind your ear as his hand fell between your legs.

He had to have practice. An unusual amount of practice or he was just that talented because he immediately found your soft spot. Almost immediately he realized the pace at which you liked being touched. His thumb rested over your clit and began its circular movement then in between rubbing it gently.

You clutched at the sheets next to you as your neck arched backwards.

"Thought about touching you like this-" then tapped your clit, then one more time, then as if it wasn't enough his middle finger gathered the wetness between your legs and smeared it across your clit giving you a pleasure you didn't know you could attain, "- how you would look when I touched you like this. How wet you'd be for me."

You moaned louder at his words.

"how wasted you would be- how you'd let me touch you however I want. Will you let me?"

You nodded.

He climbed down your body, finding home between your legs.

"How you'll spread for me just at a simple touch." This wasn't enough. You needed him more and his words, god his mouth, spoke the filthiest things that turned you on even more.

And then he spread your legs. His hands pinning your thighs to the bed.

"So wet for me." He licked you, he actually licked you between your legs and you thought you'd cum right there with just a sweep of his tongue but you don't.

"Have you ever touched yourself at the thought of me?" He asked and it came to you as a surprise but then you look at him between your legs looking up at you expectantly while kissing your inner thighs just the same.

Damn the timing that made you miss all this.

"Have you?" He asked again and licked you again making you shiver. You needed him so bad so you nodded because you really have. You really have touched yourself thinking of him and never has it ever come close to this.

You saw him smirk, his face devilishly seductive that made it hard to look away especially when he looked this good between your legs.

"Let's see if I can make you cum harder than any time you've made yourself cum." And he licked and sucked at your clit. Your back arched with a loud groan of his name and you thought he liked your reaction because he only did it more.

He ate you harder, switching between your clit and your pussy and every switch made you scream his name. He ate you out with such precision, such attention that you crumbled too quickly in pleasure. You couldn't handle it anymore. His mouth felt heavenly on you, unfairly good. It was evil.

You knew it if he wasn't pinning you down to the bed, you would have pulled him away from your cunt but all your attempts to soften his process were in vain because he would only pin your hands over your lower belly.

His name slipped past your lips like a prayer and he didn't leave you until you were cumming all over his mouth, until you were overstimulated and close to cumming again.

"Jin- please." You whined.

"Please what Y/n?"

"Need you." Satisfied with your request he pulled up and kissed your mouth again. You could taste yourself on his lips and never have you ever enjoyed it as much as you did now.

"In my imagination I've made you cum more times but I guess I can do that later as well."

You had no reply. The thought of this being your new relationship had you feeling electric, everywhere.

So you kiss him harder and palmed him over his jeans. He almost collapsed over you when you ran your hand over his crotch.

"You don't come with a warning, do you?" He moaned, breathily.

It was now your turn. You sucked his neck to leave a hickey and whispered, "Do you think you can handle it?"

And then he really did fall into your neck as you found your hand inside his jeans undoing his belt. He felt big, bigger than you had ever imagined and rubbing him with your hand felt surreal. Sinfully surreal.

"fuck- if you keep doing that-"

"Thought about sucking you off."

"Fuck- Y/n, what are- fuck- fuck, fuck, baby-" his moans become more hoarse, more needy as you pulled his jeans further down and clenched him in your hands.

"Jesus- Y/n-" he was very vocal about his pleasure and you loved the effect you had on him.

You tut against his neck and whisper the same words, "I've just begun."

His teeth bit too gently because it felt like if he didn't, he would combust. You felt him shiver, quiver as you fisted his dick in your hand and pumped him in your hands.

"please- jesus- please-" he pleaded. You've never seen him like this but oh how much you loved this. Liked him as needy as he was.

"Pleading already?" Pumping him faster, you too groaned as his teeth grazed at a particular spot on your neck.

"I'll cum Y/n- I'll-" but his words get lost in a loud moan that you found instantly very attractive when your thumb swiped his precum at his head.

"Thought if you'd cum over my hand or would you cum harder if I sucked you."

In a flash his hands pulled yours away and pinned it next to your head. When you looked at his face, it was ragged with heavy breathing, his chest heaving and eyes blown out wide. He was more impressed than he could express. He's never had a woman whose mouth was enough to drive him insane but then again no other woman has been you.

Just you, only you had this effect on him.

"Need to be inside you or I'll really combust. Now."

And he doesn't give you a warning before his dick is slapping against your opening. With one hand pinning your hands above your head, with the other he held his dick in his hand and glided across your pussy making you whimper.

You knew he wasn't going to last very long and so were you. You both needed each other desperately, pathetically that you could jump his bone if he didn't enter you now.

"Shall I- protection?" Your heart melted for a split second then you shook your head.

"birth contr-" but the words don't even slip out fully before he's asking you another question kissing you again.

"You really want this, right? It's not too much, is it?" His mix of sexiness and absolute innocence and sincerity swallowed you whole. Your love for him grew tenfold. It was a simple gesture but at that moment you couldn't even explain why you liked it so much.

You kissed him and agreed, "More than ever."

And then he entered you, slow at first, giving you time to adjust all the while he kept kissing you making it easier for you to take his big dick inside you.

He was big, you knew it now when he struggled to fit in but that also made you equally wet and easier to slide in further.

"Shit- so tight Y/n. How-" thrust "-are you so-" thrust "-so tight."

You back arched as he hit deeper inside you.

"Jin- fuck- faster, please." And then he hesitated no more.

The room filled with louder moans, your name leaving his mouth like a learned recitation and the sound of your skin against each other drove you crazy.

"Would have you like this everyday- if you'd let me." He moaned, his hands intervening with yours.

"Would you let me?"

And you nodded, hastily, too quickly.

"So- big- uh- fuck-" the last word came out with a louder scream as he hit a particular spot inside of you.

And he kept hitting over and over again as he whispered into your ears how much he liked having you wrapped around him, how much he had thought of crumbling under him.

"would have fucked you that night- in the bathroom of that party- that's how much I wanted you," he confessed and somehow it made you feel ten times nicer about that night.

"You should have. Instead of flirting with other girls-"

"flirting? Baby- all I thought about was undressing you."

And you whimpered particularly louder as you felt yourself coming closer to climax.

"you're- y/n-" but he couldn't formulate his words well enough because you were clenching around him too much.

He pulled out almost to the brink, halting, "I'll cum if you keep doing that-"

You pulled him by his neck, "that's the goal."

And fucked out by you, he pushed in without warning, harder, and faster, hitting your spot repeatedly.

Your hands claw at his back, trying to find some other relief that doesn't arrive.

And then you crumbled with one push that pushed you further up the bed. And it doesn't take longer before he's whimpering in the crook of your neck, and cums inside you.

He stayed inside you for a bit as you both try to catch your erratic breath to normal. His body grew softer against you and after a few seconds passed he looked up, pulled out of you and got up to get you a wash cloth and changed the sheets.

Minutes after cleaning up you both collapse back into the bed, Jin on top of you.

You giggle, your hands threading his hair.

"Tired?" You asked.

He mumbled against your neck as he covered the two of you with a sheet.

"More than I ever thought."

"I hope it's a good thing."

He looked up at you with a sheepish smile, "It's the best."

And you grinned.

He takes a moment to look at you and then he said, "I can't believe it finally happened."

You chuckled, "you're saying it as if you've loved me longer than I have."

Even if it was a mockery he pretended to be hurt, "How can you compare my love to anything?"

You laugh, genuinely laugh at his words.

And then he climbed up so he could pull you closer to him.

"Missed your laugh."

You bit your lip and swept away his hair from his forehead, "I missed you making me laugh."

Overwhelmed, he kissed your nose, "never again."

"never what?"

"never am I ever going to leave you alone. You're mine now."

You gazed into his eyes and smiled, "yours?"

He nodded.

You let your fingers intervene with his, playing with them and said, "I've been yours for a long time now."

His expressions suddenly grew sadder, "was it painful?"

"What was?"

"loving me without ever knowing I'll love you back."

You pursed your lips then shook your head, "it doesn't matter anymore."

After a long silence he spoke up again, "It doesn't. I'm going to make sure to tell you just how much I love you to make up for all the lost time."

You smiled at him and kissed his forehead, "you have a lot of making up to do then."

As if you had destroyed a romantic moment, he rolled his eyes, "How long have you even loved me for?"

You brought your hand up and started counting on your fingers. When it exceeds ten fingers he closed your hands in his own.

"My fault, I asked." And you laughed against him.

"What about you? When did you know you loved me?" You asked.

He thought for a moment and said, "I think I loved you too long to know when it started but I only realized on the day I was leaving for the military."

"Millitary?"

He nodded, "when I saw you holding back your tears, I just wanted to hold you so bad that I knew it wasn't friendship. It was love."

"You had almost 2 years to tell me you loved me and you didn't." You were offended.

He raised his eyebrows at you, in fact he raised up physically, "like you're one to talk- let me remind you how long you waited before telling me.."

The rest of the night you stayed up talking and laughing. It didn't seem like there was enough time, like you had to talk about everything in one night but this is how you've always felt. This is how he has felt for a long time now.

And then you realized, love wasn't supposed to be loud, cliche, grand or anything, love felt like coming home.

And you had found a home in his arms. For the rest of the time.

Extra 1.

As you chewed down on your waffle he made for you sitting on the kitchen top in his clothes, it randomly occurred to you that you hadn't asked Jin one question.

"Why were you at the club last night?"

He frowned then gave you another waffle, "Hoseok asked me to. He knew I was pent up after our fight and how I felt about you so he said it would be a good way to blow off steam. In my opinion it was a trashy idea but I don't regret it anymore."

You let out a loud laugh, clutching at your stomach as you kept laughing at the realisation.

"what- what's so funny?"

You threw your head back, wiping away the tears at the corner of your eyes.

You opened your arms in a hug and asked him to come closer which he happily did. Your hands cupped his face as you gave him a peck.

"We're such idiots." You told him, still finding it funny.

"I'm sure you're right but why?" He was so confused that he wondered if his girlfriend (now) was ever going to tell him what was so funny.

"Hoseok totally set us up." And then you tell him the whole thing.

Hoseok was a mastermind in bringing you two together and you couldn't be more glad that you both had heard him.

Extra 2.

"Isn't that the dress you wore on the anniversary?" Hoseok asked as he saw it hanging over your wardrobe.

You peeped inside the bedroom and nodded, "my one and only black dress."

Hoseok smiled to himself as you walked into the kitchen. He had a plan in his mind and he definitely wasn't going to tell you that but when the day comes, you'll be praising him for his plan. And then he'll be ready for all the praises.

¹Appa: Father in Korean

A/n: certain edits are underway.

Taglist: @jinkoo94 @c3hu @jiniretexe @withmuchluv-tannie (genuinely thankyou for all the people who requested for the tags, I so so adore y'all)

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