𝓫𝓪𝓫𝔂𝓫𝓵𝓾𝓮𝓼🫐🛼

instagram: @satsukamoriokaofficial youtube: 🌺Ꮥᗩ丅Ꮥᑌᛕᗩ ᗰᏫᖇIᏫᛕᗩ💫

[baniigattsuu]

i miss you dad! when you last saw me, i was eleven. and i wonder if i'll forever be eleven to you. i'm sixteen now, and after this month, i'll only have 9 months left of school. you'll always be 41 to me. i wish i could've seen you grow old. addiction and mental illness are nightmares. i'm sorry you lost the battle. i know you tried for me. i have the same illness as you, but i promise i'm fighting, dad. i don't wanna die, but a lot of days, i feel like it would be easier to. sometimes i wanna give up and talk to you. i talk out loud, hoping you hear me. even though a lot of people have seemed to forgot about you, i haven't. i love you dad. i'm fighting. you would be 46 today. happy birthday. i love you and miss you always.

[baniigattsuu]

dear introspective insights,

i'm constantly forming new realizations and ideas. how could i be mad at any past version of me? they were just doing what they thought was right at the time, so i forgive them. i forgive myself. i continue to forgive myself. over and over. i'm often afraid of becoming something new. but i'm scared to stay the same. i miss the old me, but i'm excited to meet the new me. i have already died a million times. going through another death of who i thought i was. when i let go of it all, i'm just a soul. i'm free. these walls can no longer imprison me. my depression comes from hitting a dead end of a mental construct of who i believed i might have been. but i will continue to remove all the masks, as i free myself until the end of time. i sit here with every aspect of me. every shade of me. my pain. my joy. my grief. my loss. my deepest fears. all my past lives. i embrace them with love. they want to be seen, and set free. i am here. i am alive. i stand before my own conscience. my spirit emitting gold light. trying to remember who the fuck i am, beyond all the boxes that build up my mind. nothing evil in this world is worth my gold light. i will give everything to keep my spirit alive. all of the beauty i was given is deep inside the depths of my soul. my spirit feels like its been fragmented into a billion pieces from enduring emotional trauma. so now, i'm trying to go back to every version of me, and pick up all the broken pieces, and fill in the cracks with gold light. i'm able to show up authentically as i am. exactly as i am in that moment. whether that may look like stillness. melancholy. fear. confusion. anger. when i can be loved and accepted anywhere, that's what love is to me. whenever i feel low, lost, or puzzled, i try to make everyday about finding the little hidden treasures. even if it's just looking at a flower. a butterfly. a tree. i try to remember the little things were always enough. maybe i've been so dizzy and disoriented because i've been focusing on things that never really mattered to begin with. i lost some parts of myself along the way. i'm picking them back up, merging them together again, and creating something new. in this lifetime, i've got to be simply human. and maybe in the next, i'll be a mountain. or a star. it seems our energy is just recycled again and again. into different and new forms. but for now, i'll appreicate being me. this feels like a miracle. my soul returning, every time and time again. getting to experience what its like to be a piece of everything in the universe. having strong compassion really hurts a lot of the time though. i somehow feel responsible for all the world's pain. like i need to fix it. i can't ignore it. it's like i can't win. either i ignore it and feel pain, or i hold it all in and still feel pain. this is when i truly understand the concept that we are all one. lately i've been trying to practice the idea of enjoying exactly where i am in this moment. even if this moment isn't even anywhere near where i really long to be. i know i can find beauty here too. i feel like an ethereal nymph, that, often, more times than not, feels caught in between the strings of the realm. this odd, uncanny dimension. it's often hard to be here, but i know it's no accident that we are all here, all alive. i am so many things all at once. so many colors and viewpoints. every emotion constantly passing through. infinite feelings and ideas forever. flowing dreams and visions. every second, i am entirely new. in the midst of the chaos. the peace in the violence. a sentient, divine being. please, at all costs, protect your gold light.

signed, satsuka.

[baniigattsuu]

a horror movie set in summer would be so much better than a horror movie set in october

[baniigattsuu]

IM LOCKING THE FUCK IN

[baniigattsuu]

[baniigattsuu]

FOR THE BEGINNING OF APRIL WE ARE RETURNING TO THIS

[baniigattsuu]

i swear... whoever's praying on my downfall, congrats. its working. i told myself that this year would be my year. it took me years of thinking and planning, contemplating my true passion and purpose in life. and now that i finally found it, i've become SOOOO lazy. i understand that i'm still really young, have plenty of time, and yet have my whole life ahead of me, but what i truly realized, is that RIGHT NOW, is the EXACT moment in my life when i should be working towards my future, studying what i love, and putting in all the consistent effort to be the best version of myself. yET STILL... i sit around, lay in bed, avoid chores and responsibilities, waste my time and potential doing absolutely fuck all, playing computer games or watching youtube. i stay up late every night, my mind is the most active in the late hours, so i have the most motivation and ideas at night. but if i were to actually work at night, i'd lose my energy and prolly fall asleep on my desk. at those times, i always say "i'm gonna wake up tomoro with so much inspiration and determination and work for hours and hours until the sun sets!!!!" yeah shut the fuck up satsu we both you know you ain't gonna do that. you all know you don't do that. we all know you sit on your ass and complain about not getting much attention online when you don't even bother to put the attempts into your creativity. and the craziest thing is that i always have so much free time. i'm literally rarely ever busy, so i have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to focus on what i love most and what i aspire to do as an adult. but my sleeping habits and lack of motivation are what's stopping me. i usually wouldn't call myself a creative person, but i know if i have enough inspiration i could create a good thing or two, yet, all i do, all day everyday, is watch youtube, play games, and sit around eating junk. i should be fixing my diet. fixing my sleep schedule. going to the gym. cleaning my room more. studying online (i have a huge playlist on youtube filled with reliable sources of information based on things i love most and wanna study), self-teaching myself skills i would like to have, and aCTUALLY HAVING THE STIMULUS TO DO SIMPLE BASIC THINGS. YET HERE I AM WAKING UP AT 1PM AND STRUGGLING TO PUT 3 PIECES OF CLOTHING AWAY. most actors, singers, creators.. etc, start as teens. start young. so thats what i should be doing right now. this is my prep time. this is my chance. i have so much potential, so much power, so much time, so much possibilities. this is as good as it gets. i need to prepare to be fully educated on everything i need as an adult. cuz i know damn well that time sprints ahead of you in just a few blinks. but, at the same time, i do have mental differences. i have psychological issues i've struggled with since a young age, which it makes it a lot harder for me to get things done, so i sympathize and forgive myself for all that. but the thing is, as of late, all that shit has been getting better. right now, i'm not necessarily anxious or stressed about one specific thing, therefore, i have nothing much relating to cognition that is stopping me from functioning. and i also understand how comforting it can be do to specific things on the internet, like re-discovering favourite nostalgic music and youtubers you loved as a kid (what i've done recently), but that should be a REWARD. that should be something i get at the end, when i've finished a good bit of my achievements. like a prize i get for a job well done....

[baniigattsuu]

yall i got back into listening to BTS, now i dont feel real😭😭😭

[baniigattsuu]

questions to ask before giving up:

- are you hydrated? if not, have a glass of water.

- have you eaten in the past three hours? if not, get some food. something with protein, not just simple carbs.

- have you showered in the past day? if not, take a shower now

- if daytime, are you dressed? if not, put on clean clothes that aren't pajamas.

- if nighttime, are you sleepy and fatigued, but resisting going to sleep? put on pajamas, get cozy in bed, and close your eyes for 15 minutes. no screens allowed. if you're still awake after that, you can get up again. no pressure.

- have you stretched your legs recently? if not, do so right now. go on a run. or just a walk.

- have you said something nice to yourself in the past day? do so. and make it genuine.

- do you feel ineffective? pause right now, and get something small completed. whether it's writing something, basic cleaning, etc.

- do you feel unattractive? take a damn selfie.

- do you feel paralyzed by indecision? give yourself 10 minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. the important thing is to break through the stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.

- have you been over-exerting yourself lately? physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually? give yourself a break in that area, physically rest, take time alone, etc. you're stronger than you think!!!

when you're trapped in the void, you could:

- take a break ☝🏻

- breathe / meditate🧘🏻‍♀️

- color / draw how you feel 🖍️

- listen to music / dance 🎧

- hug a teddy bear 🧸

- stretch 🏃🏻‍♀️

- drink some water 💦

- say nice things to yourself 🌬️

- bake 🍰

- redo your bedroom 🛏️

- write 📝

- read 📚

- get lost online 📲

- watch a movie 🎥

- stargaze 🌠

- cloudgaze ☁️

- have a home spa day 🧖🏻‍♀️

- make lemonade 🍋

- learn how to do something new 🪄

- make tasty meals and eat outside in the sun 🌞

[baniigattsuu]

Thank you @skinnycraves and everyone who got me to 5 reblogs!

[baniigattsuu]

2014 was practice

2015 was practice

2016 was practice

2017 was practice

2018 was practice

2019 was practice

2020 was practice

2021 was practice

2022 was practice

2023 was practice

2024 it's game time‼️☝🏻🗣️

[baniigattsuu]

100 REASONS TO STAY ALIVE:

1. to make your friends proud

2. to conquer your fears

3. to see your favourite artist live

4. to listen to music

5. to experience a new culture

6. to meet new people

7. to inspire

8. to have your own children

9. to adopt your own pet

10. to make yourself proud

11. to meet your idols

12. to laugh until you cry

13. to feel tears of happiness

14. to eat your favorite food

15. to see your siblings grow

16. to pass school

17. to get a tattoo

18. to smile until your cheeks hurt

19. to meet your internet friends

20. to find someone who loves you like you deserve

21. to eat ice cream on a hot day

22. to drink hot chocolate on a cold day

23. to see untouched snow in the morning

24. to see a sunset that sets the sky on fire

25. to see stars that light up the sky

26. to read a book that changes your life

27. to see the first flowers in the spring

28. to travel abroad

29. to learn a new language

30. to learn to draw

31. to tell others your story in the hopes of helping and inspiring them

32. puppy kisses

33. kitten kisses

34. swear words, and the release you feel saying them

35. trampolines

36. stargazing

37. cloud watching

38. taking a shower and then sleeping in clean sheets

39. receiving thoughtful gifts

40. "i saw this and i thought of you"

41. the feeling you get when someone says "i love you"

42. the relief you feel after crying

43. sunshine

44. the feeling you get when someone is listening to you / giving you their full attention

45. your future wedding

46. your favorite candy

47. new clothes

48. completing goals / a milestone

49. the kinds of dreams when you wake up and can't stop smiling

50. the sound of rain

51. the feeling you get when you're dancing

52. the people who mean the most to you

53. trying out new recipes

54. the feeling you get when your favourite song comes on the radio

55. the rush you feel when you step into a concert

56. sharing your voice, talents and knowledge with the world because they're so valuable

57. breakfast in bed

58. forgiveness

59. fireflies

60. birthdays

61. realizing that someone loves you

62. spending the day with someone you love

63. eating a whole pint of your favorites ice cream

64. floating on your back in warm water, staring at the sky and thinking

65. first dates (even the bad ones make for funny stories!)

66. bonfires n smores

67. coming home to someone you love

68. singing at the top of your lungs with your friends (or on your own!)

69. cuddling

70. being wrapped up in a warm bed

71. someone's skin against yours

72. holding hands

73. road trips

74. spontaneous adventures

75. the feeling when the ocean wave rolls up and envelops your toes and ankles

76. peaceful thunderstorms

77. trips to disneyworld

78. the child-like feeling you get on christmas morning

79. the day when everything finally goes your way

80. compliments and praise

81. making someone laugh

82. taking care of yourself

83. sleepovers

84. waking up on summer mornings

85. creating

86. therapy

87. feeling like reality is finally better than dreams

88. relationships

89. friendships

90. good hair days

91. feeling confident, like you can openly be yourself

92. creating ambitions and aspirations

93. putting yourself first

94. memes and funny jokes

95. writing

96. aesthetics / visuals

97. learning to love yourself

98. falling back in love with living

99. feeling genuinely at peace with yourself

100. looking back at this moment in the future and thinking "i made it"

[baniigattsuu]

anotha poem

cherish your possessions, you have plenty!

cherish your friends, even if you don't have many

cherish your mind, even if its damaged

cherish your strength, even when emotionally challenged

cherish your past life, even if you've outgrown it

it made you who you are, even if you've overthrown it

cherish your obssessions and specialties, they say so much about you!

cherish what fascinates you, it helps you fight through

cherish your hometown, even if it feels unknown

even if you feel lost, its still your home

cherish your originality, your individuality

you're made of star dust! so blossom magically

[baniigattsuu]

a poem idk lol

i wanna swim in the clearest waters

i wanna stargaze with someone's daughter

i wanna take photos and make memories everywhere

i wanna feel the breeze in my hair

i wanna sneak out past curfew

i wanna learn fascinating things i never knew

i wanna try new things with new people

i wanna feel as if life were simple

i wanna eat ice cream for breakfast

i wanna be told that i'm the strongest

i wanna feel the sun on my skin

i wanna play games till i win

i wanna dance in the rain

i wanna forget all the pain

i wanna laugh until i cry

i wanna paint under a peaceful sky

i wanna ride my bike down the restful streets at midnight

i wanna be reassured that everything will be alright

i don't just wanna exist

i wanna live the most fulfilled life i've ever witnessed

[baniigattsuu]

what matters most to ME in a relationship? giving yourself and your partner the love that neither of you ever got in your early life. being quiet together. observing eachother's aura. learning about eachother. listening to eachother. genuinely feeling comfy and at home with eachother. escaping reality together. feeling comfortable enough to show your soft and vulnerable side to eachother, the side of you that you hide from society. honesty. clear communication. intimacy. dates. lots of dates. especially when they're more fun, than fancy. simple and fun dates, even something small, but meaningful. like drawing together or dancing. being raw, real, authentic, genuine. being silly together. laughing and joking. reliving our childhoods that we never got to enjoy. healing our inner childs. moving forward together, growing up together. thats what i want in a relationship.

[baniigattsuu]

bruh i have so much to do and im excited to do it all but it takes so much effort and i always feel like i dont have the time but in reality i have so much free time and i get overwhelmed by the fact that i have so much to do but at the same time they're things that i lobe and enjoy doing but i have no motivation because i wanna do more than one thing at once but obviously i cant do that

[baniigattsuu]

A WEIRD VENT ABOUT MY ART CLASSROOM IN SCHOOL

the more and more time i spend in this room, the more i dread with jealousy. of course i feel content and comorted in a room filled with arts, but i start to fall deeper and deeper into visions and fantasies, of having 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦. the vibes of this room make me feel nostalgic for a time that never really happened. i truly feel at home. compared to the only thing i can really do, create my art outside, in a dark old backyard, on a cold windy day in january 😔💔 every single feature in this creative space makes me feel so inspired and euphoric. the clay sculptures on the shelfs, the paintings on the walls, the posters featuring information about art techniques and other things similar. the cupboards containing papers and paints. the long, twisting tables, that spread across every direction in the room, these tables truly make me imagine what kind of big projects could be done on them. the sinks, behind the seats, which are scattered with painting equipment. the sinks make me think about what art methods can be done using water. the closet, near the big, projective whiteboard, which is used for storage, for extra clutter of spare materials....

[baniigattsuu]

i am constantly having insane galaxy genius ancient greek philosopher level thoughts about everything all the time, but before leaving my mouth, they get filtered through seven layers of autism, and come out sounding like a youtube comment made by a nine year old

[baniigattsuu]

questions to ask before giving up:

- are you hydrated? if not, have a glass of water.

- have you eaten in the past three hours? if not, get some food. something with protein, not just simple carbs.

- have you showered in the past day? if not, take a shower now

- if daytime, are you dressed? if not, put on clean clothes that aren't pajamas.

- if nighttime, are you sleepy and fatigued, but resisting going to sleep? put on pajamas, get cozy in bed, and close your eyes for 15 minutes. no screens allowed. if you're still awake after that, you can get up again. no pressure.

- have you stretched your legs recently? if not, do so right now. go on a run. or just a walk.

- have you said something nice to yourself in the past day? do so. and make it genuine.

- do you feel ineffective? pause right now, and get something small completed. whether it's writing something, basic cleaning, etc.

- do you feel unattractive? take a damn selfie.

- do you feel paralyzed by indecision? give yourself 10 minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. the important thing is to break through the stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.

- have you been over-exerting yourself lately? physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually? give yourself a break in that area, physically rest, take time alone, etc. you're stronger than you think!!!

when you're trapped in the void, you could:

- take a break ☝🏻

- breathe / meditate🧘🏻‍♀️

- color / draw how you feel 🖍️

- listen to music / dance 🎧

- hug a teddy bear 🧸

- stretch 🏃🏻‍♀️

- drink some water 💦

- say nice things to yourself 🌬️

- bake 🍰

- redo your bedroom 🛏️

- write 📝

- read 📚

- get lost online 📲

- watch a movie 🎥

- stargaze 🌠

- cloudgaze ☁️

- have a home spa day 🧖🏻‍♀️

- make lemonade 🍋

- learn how to do something new 🪄

- make tasty meals and eat outside in the sun 🌞