@banjaara - Tumblr Blog

"Retrograde Amnesia"

I wish I had amnesia’s grace To wipe her name from every place To wake and not recall her face Or how her laugh would fill the space To walk through rooms we used to share And feel no ghosts still waiting there To pass the mirror, calm, composed Not haunted by the life I chose They say forgetting steals the flame But memories just fan the same They light the match, then walk away And leave you in the ash and grey I’d lose the scent of midnight rain That always drags her back again Erase the street, erase the sky Where once we learned to say goodbye I’d strip the poems from my skin The ones she stitched so deep within Forget the nights I couldn’t breathe And every vow I can’t retrieve She taught me love like sacred fire Then turned to smoke and climbed it higher I knelt in hope, she stood divine But gods don’t shiver when you pine I made her holy in my chest But love like that won’t let you rest It carves your soul with every breath And slowly rhymes itself with death I wish I had amnesia’s hand To pull me from this sinking sand To take the words she left behind And wash them from my weary mind If someone asked who broke me so I’d shrug, and simply never know No ache behind a smiling face No echo I would still embrace When I see homes left torn and bare I see myself still standing there The walls are cracked, the paint is dry But no one ever asks me why No windows left to show the light No doors to hold the dark at night Just silence dressed in shadow's thread And hope that softly plays dead I wish I had amnesia's touch To feel a little, not too much To drift without a name to call To never rise, nor ever fall Forget the song she used to hum The way my hands would come undone Forget the look, the loss, the flame Forget I ever spoke her name Forget I begged her just to stay Forget she chose to walk away Forget the prayers, forget the cost Forget the depth of what I lost So if forgetting brings me peace Then let these haunted memories cease Let every rhyme she gave to me Be drowned beneath amnesia’s sea And when they ask what tore me through I’ll smile like I never knew No cracks inside, no scars above Just one who simply lost his love

Such a pretty blog, my my

Here's a flower🪻 hehe

Shukriya 💐

tumblbidi

bechainiyaan

- तू जा रहा है तो इतनी दूर जा पहुंचे

मैं आवाज़ दूँ और तुझ तक आवाज़ न पहुंचे..

मेरी दौलत तेरी, शोहरत तेरी मेरे हिस्से की हर बरकत तेरी

शर्त मेरी बस इतनी सी है, मेरे कानों तक तेरा नाम न पहुंचे..

उस से पहले ये पंखा हमको हाथ बढ़ाकर खींच ले ऊपर,

इस से बेहतर ये होगा हम मंदिर मस्जिद दरबार जा पहुँचें..

अब जिस के भी मुक्कुदर पहुँचें

बेशक हम कुछ देर से पहुँचे

उसकी खातिर इतना तो हो

टूटे बिखरे बेकार न पहुँचें।

🖤

"Last Wish"

I rise from the grave in the cold winter air, My hands feel empty, my heart stripped bare. I was silent so long that time forgot me, Now I walk like a shadow no one can see. The world moves on with its noise and light, But I feel nothing in day or night. Hope once lived in me soft and small, Now winter has taken the last of it all. My breath feels thin, my chest feels tight, I wake each day without a fight. I look at the sky and find no sign, Nothing to claim as yours or mine. The earth beneath me feels far away, I speak to myself with nothing to say. My steps are slow, my voice is weak, There is no dream left for me to seek. The cold keeps growing inside my skin, A quiet ache that does not begin. They say in the end the heart must try, But mine stays still, it will not cry. It lies like a river frozen too soon, No warmth from sun, no pull from moon. I stand in winter with hollow eyes, Watching the days without surprise. So here I am with one truth to speak No wish to hold, no hope to seek. My last wish is simple, I want nothing now, No promise to make, no prayer, no vow. My last hope is smaller than any before I hope nothing waits on the other shore. And as the frost settles deep in me, I learn this is how I was meant to be A man returned from the quiet and cold, With a tired heart that forgot to be bold. Still breathing only because breath must stay, Unwanted, unchanged, at the end of the day.

banjaara

"Love is Gonna Get You Killed"

It started like a quiet song A feeling soft, but never wrong A glance that made the air feel light A name you whispered late at night The world grew still when they were near Their voice, the only sound you’d hear You followed stars they never saw You kissed their flaws and called them raw They held your hand, but not too tight They stayed just close enough at night You built a world from words they said And planted roses in your head They laughed and all your fears stood down You wore their love just like a crown You let them in, you lost the key You called it fate and let it be Each promise felt like sacred gold You gave them warmth when nights grew cold And every time they turned away You begged your heart to let them stay But love is blind and sometimes cruel It plays you soft and makes you fool It spins a dream then takes the thread And leaves you waking up half-dead Love doesn’t kill with guns or blades It kills in soft, familiar shades In quiet nights and morning texts In all the things that came next No final scream, no bloody floor Just walking out and shutting doors But what they leave is twice as cruel A breathing body, love’s dead fool So when they say love makes you whole I think of what it stole Not hearts or lips or time that spilled But how I smiled Right before it killed

"Diseased"

This love inside me grows like a stain, It starts as a whisper, then turns into pain. It moves through my veins like a quiet disease, I breathe it in, though it cuts like a breeze. I know it will spread till there’s nothing of me, Yet I keep it alive like a deep hidden tree. It feeds on my nights and lives in my chest, It robs me of sleep, it robs me of rest. It hides in my smile when I meet someone’s eye, It blooms in the dark where my true self will die. I feel it expand with each word I don’t say, It waits like a hunter who knows I won’t stay. I could try to heal but I turn away slow, I cradle the wound as I help it to grow. I wear it like warmth though it burns my skin, I call it my friend though it ruins within. It hums like a song that I dare not forget, It writes my own ending but hasn’t yet. My body still moves but my heart feels undone, It walks like a stranger beneath the same sun. Each day I pretend but it rises again, A flood that drowns even memory’s name. I know what it is and I know what it’ll do, But to let it go feels like losing you. So I let it stay though it eats through my bones, It builds me a house that is empty of tones. It gives me a fever no prayer can erase, It writes on my soul with an unsteady trace. And when it is finished there’ll be no one to see, How love was the illness that hollowed out me.

1 sided love- blackbear

Tame impala - New person, same old mistakes

"Letter to the Moon"

My dear,

It is midnight again, and I write to you in the stale air of this room where nothing moves except the trembling of my hand. I should not write, every word fastens me tighter to you and I am afraid of what it makes me. But I cannot stop. To remain silent is more unbearable than exposing this sickness of mine to paper.

Do you know what you are to me? You are the wound I return to so it never closes. My hours are no longer measured by clocks but by the thought of you intruding and then retreating, leaving behind silence more violent than noise. I have no defenses left. I wake with you in my mouth, as if my tongue itself was built to repeat your name until it rots there.

You are not near, and perhaps you never will be, yet your absence stains every corner of this life. I sit among people and speak, I even laugh when required, but in truth I am a ghost performing a duty. The moment I am alone, the mask collapses and the hunger for you breaks open again. It is not romance, not sweetness, it is thirst that has no end.

What frightens me is that you do not even belong to me. Not your breath, not your hours, not even the smallest fragment of your day. I am like a beggar standing at a closed door, pressing my ear to hear footsteps inside. And yet I write as if you were mine, as if these sentences could steal from the world the right to keep you away from me.

Do you understand how unbearable it is to love in secret, to live in secrecy, to fold every feeling into silence as if it were something shameful? And still I would rather die with this fire unsaid than hand it over to the world’s indifferent laughter. You, only you, are the one who could read me and not recoil.

Forgive me if these words are heavy. I am not asking anything of you. Not pity, not reply, not even acknowledgment. I only want you to know or rather to never know that somewhere in the shadows of this life someone waits for you as one waits for rain in a desert that has forgotten water exists.

I will burn this letter, or keep it hidden in the bottom of a drawer where even the dust forgets. But tonight, as the walls lean in and the silence presses its fingers to my throat, it is you I write to, and only you.

Yours, in memories.

Ghar

#banjara's burnt diary

"Jaadugar"

Main kaun hoon? Mujhe kya pata? Tumhe pata ho toh batado. Suno, dekho, bazar mein kahin ek khwab bik rahe ho, toh lo paise aur laado. Kya khwab bhi kabhi asli hote hain? shayad haan shayad nhi... ek pal ke liye roshni, agle hi pal andhera. Main un khwabon ko haath mein pakadne ki koshish karta hoon, Toh woh ret ki tarah ungliyon se phisal jaate hain. Mujhe logon ko khush dekhna pasand hai... Pata nhi kyon... Main isliye logon se tab tak baat nhi karta jab tak mere khudke chehre par mukaan naa ho.. Mujhe lagta hai main logon ko chhote chhote chamatkaar bantta firta hoon. Kisiko hasi deta hoon, toh kisiko tasalli, aur kisiko yaad. Lekin jab wapas apne kamre mein aata hoon toh sab kuch khaali lagta hai. Jaise meri rooh sirf ek stage hai aur wahan roz ek naya khel khela jaata hai, Naye Naye kirdaar hote hain kuch apne hote hain kuch haqdaar hote hain... Lekin unme se kisiko bhi stage par chalrha jaadu dikhai nhi deta Us 300 ki sitting wale hall mein, main akela hota hun Aur khud hi khudko tamasha karte hue dekhrha hota hun. Bachpan mein jab raat ko khidki se taare dekhta tha, toh lagta tha unki roshni mujhe bula rahi hai apne paas. Main ungli se unka naksha banata, ek kahani ghadta, aur khud us kahani ka naayak ban jaata. Par jaise jaise bada hua, samajh aaya ki taare sirf door ke patthar hain aur kahani, bas mera apna banaya hua koi dhokha. Log kehte hain, tum alag ho. Tum sunte ho, tum samajhte ho, tum apna sab kuch de dete ho bina kuch wapas hasil karne ki umeed ke (selfless you know). Mujhe nhi lagta, mujhe main selfish lagta hoon, mujhe lagta hai agar logon ko kuch milega nhi toh unke paas rukne ki koi wajah nhi hogi... par ye sab sirf ek dhokha hai jo mujhe tab dikhai padta hai jab main us 300 ki sitting wale hall mein khudko stage par tamasha karte hue dekhrha hota hun. Mujhe lagta hai Andar se main bhi utna hi khaali hoon jitna koi banjar maidan, jahan hawa chalti hai par awaaz koi nahi sunta. Jab raat ke akhri peher mein main aaine ke saamne khada hota hoon, toh mujhe lagta hai ki main ne apne hi dil ko kitni baar behlaaya hai. Kabhi dosti ke roop mein, kabhi mohabbat ke roop mein, kabhi muskaan ke roop mein. Main ne sabko kuch na kuch dikhaya hai, aur sab ne vishwas kiya hai. Par jo sabse bada dhokha hai, Woh yeh hai ki main ne apne aap ko bhi vishwas dilaya hai. Ke sab theek hai Is tarah main jeeta hoon, jaise har din apni jeb se naya chamatkaar nikalta hoon aur logo ke saamne rakh deta hoon. Aur jab sab taali bajate hain, main chup chaap uth kar chala jaata hoon. Kyunki main jaanta hoon yeh khel mere liye bhi utna hi anjaana hai jitna baaqi sabke liye. Lekin haan magar ek din jab sab roshniyan bujh jaayengi,

Toh bas ek khali stage bachega, jisme main bhi nahi, bas meri parchhayi hogi. Aur 300 logon ki sitting wala woh hall bhara hua hoga ek tamasha dekhne Shayad jiska Naam hoga "Zindagi ka safar" Aur uske darshak hi uske kirdar honge jo ek ek karke stage par aaynge aur potli mein se zindagi ka chota saa lamha nikla kar baaqi darshakon ko dikhaynge kahenge dekho esa tha Mera "Jaadugar".

ओ माहिया ! तेरे सितम

तेरे करम

दोनो लूटेरी लगदे ने !

#desiblr #being desi #desi teen #hindi #spotify #2 states

"Eclipse"

I lit a candle inside my chest, a fire that would not stay, It burned my sleep, it burned my breath, it carried my peace away, Each shadow crept beneath my skin, it begged my soul to say, The warmth became a fevered flame, a storm that would not sway, I prayed for silence in the dark, but silence chose to play, It whispered death in broken songs, and tore my home that day. The glass of night fell hard on me, it cut my hands so bare, I drank the shards to taste the truth, but truth was never there, My voice was lost in empty rooms, where echoes filled the air, I begged the walls to carry me, but walls don’t ever care, And so I learned the price of love, it leaves you stripped and spare, A frozen prayer within my bones, a weight I always wear. I wore my scars like holy cloth, each thread a mark of pain, They pulled me tight, they kept me bound, but could not heal the chain, The altar bled with every word, my loss was carved again, My prayers returned as heavy stones, they broke against my vein, I kissed the wounds to call them mine, to give the hurt a name, And knelt before the empty night, to honor all my shame. The stars were nails across my eyes, they pinned me to the sky, Their silver burned into my skin, a light that learns to lie, I reached to hold their fragile glow, but watched it pass me by, And in the void I carved my name, though no one heard me cry, Each breath became a funeral song, each heartbeat chose to die, Yet still I walked the broken path, with questions asking why. The rivers spoke in bleeding tongues, they told me I was weak, They washed my hands but not my heart, they drowned the words I seek, I pressed my face against the stream, its current cut my cheek, And every wave returned to me, the silence of the bleak, I asked the water who I was, it never chose to speak, A mirror shattered in the dark, a soul that can’t be meek. The night became a living wound, it carved my memory, It held my ribs and stole my breath, it bent eternity, I slept upon the broken ground, where ghosts sang endlessly, They hummed a song that broke the dawn, a song too dark to see, And in that song I left myself, a truth too vast to be, A moon that dreams of being a wound in your memory.

a-mental-piece-of-trauma

#if you are the one dying

Manikarnika

Main Apna aap dikhun agar toh?

Himmat hai? Dekh paogi?

Woh dekho meri laash jalrhi hai

Tum laash si thandi

Uski aanch mein Haanth senk paogi?

Main yahan baitha dekh raha hun

Barson ka banaya woh jo hua karta tha

Kitna main logon ke pyaar par qurbaan tha Kaise main logon ke dilon ko chua karta tha Yahin ganga kinare raatbhar baithkar Mohabbat mukamal hone ki dua karta tha

Logon ko khone ka jo dar hota hai naa

Kabhi ko woh mere andar bhi hua karta tha Saari khwahish saare khwaab

Adhuri hasratein, tohmatein aur azaab

Woh dekho Woh jalrhe hain

Meri laash ke saath

Jo kuch bechainyan baaqi thi

Woh choti chingariyan bankar chatak rhi hain

Wahi chingariyan sabse phle thandi hongi

Aur hawa uda lejygi unhe apne saath

Ab tak aag mere dil tak pohach gayi hogi

Dil shayad ab bhi sehma hua hoga

Ab bhi unsabko khone se darrha hoga

Jo andar hain

Lekin main kisiko khone se nhi darta

Tumhe bhi nhi

Pata hai maine yeh sab kab seekha

Khudko khone ke baad

Ab yeh sab bahot asaan saa hai mereliye

Khudko khone mein bhi itni takleef nhi hui

Jitni tumhe khone mein hui thi

Arey main baatein nhi banarha

Yaqeen karo

Woh dekho meri laash jalrhi hai

Kuch hi der mein main khaak hojaunga

Aur phir hum kabhi nhi milenge

Mujhe tumhari yaad nhi aaygi

Tumhe meri yaad nhi aaygi

Aur haan ab main yahan ispaar baitha hun

Toh batadun

Log kehte hain saat janam hote hain

Galat kehte hain

Jo hota hai yahi hota hai

Yahan nhi toh kahin nhi

Kabhi nhi...

Woh dekho meri laash jalrhi hai

"Luxury"

To hold a hand when nights get long To hum together a quiet song To feel a touch that doesn’t flee To say “I’m here” and simply be A look that lingers, soft and kind A peace that calms the crowded mind A lap to rest a heavy head A voice that stays when words are dead To laugh without a second thought To share the things that can't be bought A name called out not out of need But just to let the silence bleed To be forgiven when I fall To have someone to simply call A steady light behind my fears A room not filled with broken mirrors To hear “I missed you” just once more To not be brave through every war To cry and not be told to hide To let someone just step inside But every one, they cost too much Each hug, each look, each gentle touch They're silk and gold behind a gate They're served on plates I never ate They're for the ones with softer scars Whose dreams weren’t locked behind steel bars They're passed around like passing bread While I stitch warmth from threads I shed So I just nod and walk away My pockets echo every day These things you trade so carelessly Are luxuries denied to me.

"Morning Dream"

Your breath was caught in dawn’s first light Half in sleep, half in delight The sheet clung softly to your skin A silent hush, a world within Your lashes danced beneath the day As if the night refused to stay One shoulder bare, your fingers curled A portrait drawn from a gentler world I watched the way your chest would rise Like secrets trying to touch the skies The sun slipped through with hands of gold And kissed the parts I couldn’t hold I traced the curve where dreams had laid In that quiet hour where time won’t fade Each inch I touched, you seemed to glow A garden blooming soft and slow Your lips, half open, dared to part As if they spoke straight from your heart A whisper lived beneath your sigh Too soft to speak, too sweet to lie You turned, not waking, but you knew My fingertips were painting you Not just your skin, but what you hide The songs you hum, the ache inside The edge of sleep still held you close Your body warm, your breathing rose I kissed your spine, one bone at time And counted them like fragile rhyme The world outside had not begun But here you were, my only sun The air was thick with something true Not lust, but how I worship you I stayed a while, afraid to move Each second begging me to prove That moments like these still exist In skin, in pulse, in breath, in bliss So when you woke and caught my gaze Your eyes still lost in twilight haze I hoped you knew, without a sound My love had traced you all around

(Note: She never existed but somehow, I still remember her touch.)

"In Her Eyes"

You held my hand and touched my hair, The room was warm, the lights were rare, Your gentle eyes began to stare, Like something deep was growing there. You didn’t talk, but still I knew, You felt the things I’m feeling too, Your every move was soft and true, And slowly pulled me close to you. You brushed my neck and kissed my face, My heart beat fast, then slowed its pace, It wasn’t rushed, no need to race, It felt like time had left this place. I looked away but stayed so near, You didn’t push, you stayed sincere, Your hand was calm, your voice was clear, And I forgot my every fear. You saw the truth inside my eyes, The dreams I hide, the quiet cries, You touched the parts that wear disguise, And made the hush feel like sunrise. Each kiss you gave was soft and slow, Like falling rain or melting snow, It told me things I need to know, Without a word, your love would show. You stroked my arm, then held me tight, The world was gone, just us and night, No louder sound, no louder light, Just skin and breath that felt so right. I didn’t speak, but still you heard, The way I moved, the way I stirred, I didn’t say a single word, But all I wanted still occurred. You took your time and stayed so kind, Like reading pages line by line, You read my heart and touched my mind, And made me feel I wasn’t blind. I didn’t beg, I didn’t plead, But in my eyes, you saw the need, You didn’t hurt, you didn’t lead, You only gave and watched me feed. Your every touch was like a song, It didn’t rush, it lasted long, And though I feared I might be wrong, With you, I felt like I belong. I didn’t ask, but still you knew, That I want more than just a few, My breath was deep, my face was new, And all I dreamed had come in view. And in your arms, I found my peace, My racing thoughts began to cease, You held me close, and gave release, Like every ache had found its ease.

(She’s made of ink, not skin.)

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