keening

formerly eyeballlollipop. personal blog where I vent and write notes to my best friend. follow @mute-banshee for more art and ffxiv gposes

[banshees-diary]

I love you, Dante. And I do have faith in you, and I know you'll get better. Even if you never come back, I'll play the games for Lana to remember papa, and then I'll watch her play like you wanted to for her. Our baby will be okay, I'll look after her. And I'll take care of Than too when he comes home. It'll all be okay here while you take your time. I'm still here for you if you feel like you're ready. I'm sorry my heart health made you come back when you weren't ready to. And I'm sorry for unfriending you, I was afraid that if you let me talk, I'd say more things I didn't mean, like "I'm done." I just needed space. I should've said so. You would've given it. But don't worry, I have it all under control here. We're all be okay, I'll make sure of it.

[nightmarereverie]

[inkpressedpetals]

[banshees-diary]

Did I even talk about Than today? Maybe that's why I feel like death

[nixscriptum]

[banshees-diary]

The plans... They're all gone, aren't they? I won't get to see him play Ocarina or Wild. I won't get to show him Twilight Princess or Skyward Sword. All these things I was over the moon for. All gone? I... Why? I still don't know what I did. If I knew, I'd fix it.

[banshees-diary]

I wasn't good enough to have friends yet. I don't think I'll ever be good enough. I can't stop feeling emotions. These stupid, intense emotions.

[banshees-diary]

Oh please make a new host, one who won't be anything like me. Give us an unfeeling robot who can handle the day to day and break attachments like glass, please please please. Let me go dormant with him.

[banshees-diary]

He wants away from me. And I don't know how to leave. I want to stay and be his friend. I want him in my life. But I think I have to die to spare him. I don't know how else to say goodbye. My heart can't handle the grief.

[banshees-diary]

I just shouldn't be alive anymore. I wake up, it's a problem. I text to make sure things are okay, it's a problem. I feel, it's a problem. I want to understand what I did wrong, it's a problem. I need help for my heart condition, it's a problem. I need emergency calls, it's a problem. He said the fact I'm alive is a problem. I was only ever trying to be a good friend, a good human. But I'm still that stupid little girl who's a burden to everyone around her, wasting her time trying to be good enough to be loved. I'll never be good enough.

[banshees-diary]

My best friend admitted to wanting me dead and trying to kill me.

[banshees-diary]

What the fuck was the problem why couldn't you just fucking talk to me so I understood

Getting mad at me because of what

Sorry for wanting to know what the fuck you were going on about

I can't fucking do anything right what's the point anymore I'll always be a fucking problem

Sabotaging everything because you can't just explain a damn joke to me

Somehow it's my fault though huh? For wanting to understand? Right. Right right right. It's always me

[scribbly-z-raid]

Inktober day 24! Ghirahim get your dumb hair out of Fi’s face lol

[mournfulroses]

Martha Gellhorn, from a letter to Rosamound Lehmann featured in The Selected Letters of Martha Gellhorn

[banshees-diary]

Idk about recovering, it doesn't feel good at all today. Maybe yesterday was just a better health day instead of progress, I'm not sure :c

I almost fainted a few times and still feel like I might

I'm just trying to strangle the water out of my hair and then I'll be getting a snack

[banshees-diary]

Before bed and after waking up. More or less the same.

I woke up to my heart was trying to race and my chest still huuurts :c I feel very sick and weak, but I'm going to takw the most careful bath and try to get food after.

[banshees-diary]

too anxious you're gonna get mad at me for the sg thing im so dizzy and my chest hurts ugh... i cant just have an easy day apparently