بانوى آتش @banu-e-atash - Tumblr Blog

i loved you and i couldn’t save you. i’ll never make peace with that. i’ll never come back from that. now there’s a void and i keep spiraling spiraling spiraling spiraling spiraling spiraling spiraling spiraling spiraling endlessly

i loved you so much

i wish i could’ve helped you

i miss my family

it’s weirdly different and the same to have fallen out with them. somehow nothing feels different and that in itself confirms the point - i’m just an extra, a prop, an interchangeable, replaceable prop. my leaving every group makes no difference at all, actually.

it felt weird to leave, like a statement bigger than intended. i was just hurt and needed space from a group that wronged me and didn’t have the backbone to even acknowledge as much. but now that i’ve left and the culprits literally don’t care and everything goes on business as usual, i feel affirmed in having left, however big or small the statement — like i should have a long time ago, like i wasn’t welcome all this time anyway, like i was nothing but an extra or spectator who’s easily replaced and displaced.

my absence and presence are all the same, for better or for worse.

i’m heartbroken. everything i ever feared about my extended family is true. i’m nothing more than an eyesore, and they gather to gossip about me or discuss matters that affect me directly and that they never tell me about. they walk on eggshells in my presence, coordinate in secret groups what to discuss in front of me.

they smile in my face and feign care, but actually i’m just a spectacle to them that they can discuss in their private cliques. i was right all these years when i felt that i don’t belong and they don’t see me as one of them. and whoever gaslighted me into believing otherwise either was in on it or refused to believe what i felt and observed.

in the absence of siblings, with frail and aging parents, i barely have anyone left in the family to turn to with trust. i am so utterly heartbroken. i just left. i left it all.

i don’t know how to recover from this. i worked so hard for their acceptance, their respect, their care. i tried so hard. all that for what? they’ll never accept me.

the family that never was.

conceptualsolitude

concept: though my pillows are wet with tears, the spirit of the moon floats down to earth and she lays with me for a while. she waits until i stop crying, and sings until i am asleep

conceptualsolitude

concept: though my pillows are wet with tears, the spirit of the moon floats down to earth and she lays with me for a while. she waits until i stop crying, and sings until i am asleep

he turned 18, and graduated high school. he argued with his parents, and left home. one month later, a policeman knocked on their door, and told them he was found dead. his body? they can’t see it because the cause of his death hasn’t even been determined yet. just found dead on the street. closure? unfathomable.

a year ago, the ocean swollowed his cousin whole.

I cannot imagine, fathom, understand loss like this. how can a person be, and leave, and then not be anymore? how does one begin to process loss like this? how?

"what kind of suffering exists outside of language?"