hello again
i haven’t logged into this account in years but I’ve been inspired to make an updated personal post. So Sean if you see this, I hate you but I got your tumblr too so we are even. But honestly, right now after going through a lot of my old journal entries, it made me think of what I’ve been going through the past 5 years and its honestly a lot and it made me sad throughout the day. So just a fair warning, this will be A LOT.
I had to block a few people beforehand before I decided to make this even though no one uses tumblr anymore. I also wrote like 3 paragraphs earlier of stuff in detail but then i had a mental breakdown bc i was on my period. But yeah me blocking people just shows how much ppl have gone and left for the past few years, even the ppl that i was very close to.
I feel like i still have a hard time struggling with maintaining a lot of friendships. As much as I have dove into the gaming community for the past couple of years, this past year makes me feel really disconnected with my friends IRL bc they dont play games. Also, the distance doesnt help either when a majority of my close friends live in norcal now and I moved back to socal. I still get fomo whenever they are doing stuff and I cant really be there. I feel like the me now is leaning towards a person that I once was in HS that would be a potato at home and on her computer all day. I think the only exception now is that I made so many friends online that plays games with me and stuff and it really has been enjoyable and less lonely.
When i think about the stuff I went through the past couple of years, I really wonder how i am keeping my mental health in check. I lost my dad almost 4 years ago, went through a relationship 3/4 years ago that ended up being toxic and emotionally unhealthy, and I had post-grad depression that ended being regular depression and anxiety (as if there should be normalcy in depression!). Just so much happening at once in a span of 5 years and I never really had the opportunity to dump all these emotions. Whenever I did have someone to tell these things to, it was only the tip of the iceberg and never something I could fully explain, or I didnt want to explain bc its not like they could solve my emotions or problems. Even though this is still a bad habit of mine to keep things to myself, its just something I really couldn’t help because there was really a point unless they, the ppl i trusted enough to tell it to, would be able to help me fix these things. Its also a bad habit of mine to always change the subject so that the conversation is never about me too. I still remember my friend asking me why I am so private about myself and I had a hard time explaining it to her. I think for me, its just really hard for me to trust ppl with my emotional thoughts and feelings.
I have to remind myself that its ok to not be strong, you dont always have to put up a front, its ok to cry in front of ppl, its ok to feel sad or angry, its ok to be emotionally vulnerable. Even if they wont understand it. Just find the small things that make me happy and it will all be ok.
These events have been literally making my life a rollercoaster but right now, i think I am a good spot mentally and emotionally. I have found a lot more things to be happy for and right its a matter of trying to take the first step of being in control of my life instead of trying to keep it stable. Now i feel like i can progress and finally move forward. So by the next time i write this again, I hope to have new aspiring dreams and goals. I hope that I will be able to live out my life to the fullest, stay happy, live a good life, and live within every moment, and i hope by the time I see this post again that I will have my shit together and do the things I said i want to do!
