Hey, it’s Berry. You all have finally got me here posting like this. Yeah, as any one of you have, I have posted to tea pages a few times, but never with my own name. But after the absolutely insane last few weeks on this page (not to mention the last 6 fucking years you’ve all been obsessively hyperanalyzing every last detail of my life on these pages) I deserve to have a say in my own story.
(Unfortunately I can’t post from either of my ABDL blogs because I made my tumblr account when I was like 12 lol, so admin will just have to confirm that this is from me. Also, references are listed at the end)
I’ve never made public allegations toward my ex partner, C. P. I have barely made private allegations, though I would have the right to. I publicly separated my brand and my business from Dumb Baby Events a few weeks ago when I saw it was time to do so.
Anyone who knows me, either very personally or you’ve just followed me since my early days in the online ABDL Instagram community, knows I’ve suffered in just about every significant relationship I’ve ever been in. Fun fact: my very first boyfriend was a 25 year old man I met on Fetlife at 18 years old, a few weeks after graduating high school. He was an ABDL, and my “Daddy” - I later came to find out he was a pedophile, as well. There are other women in this community who have been victimized by him, groomed by him (because yes, you can groom an adult [Sinnamon] and there’s a very specific form of grooming from pedophiles to their non-offending partners [Conmy]), but that is their story to share so I won’t expand on that. Unpacking the trauma of that experience was one of the biggest things I’ve ever had to work on in therapy, and I’d rather not have to go into the details. But unfortunately this situation requires I give you the context that I was victimized in this way in my very first relationship ever, and was vulnerable to this type of abuse.
Shortly after that relationship ended, I was essentially kicked out of my house for being an ABDL. It is much more complicated than just that, of course, but regardless I had a few hours to completely pack up my bedroom at my mother’s house and move into the storage room of Lolly and her (now ex-) husband, Grr. Lolly and I had been good friends already, and unfortunately Grr used this whole situation as an opportunity to pressure me into a relationship with him, and forcing a bit of a throuple between the three of us for a while. At this point I was 19 years old - Grr was a high school teacher in the area I graduated, 36 years old. This was ultimately a very negative situation for both Lolly and myself - I broke up with him at around 20, and Lolly divorced him a few months later.
Around this time, one of my biggest rumors started - I’m going to address the allegations that I am a “pedophile sympathizer.” I have been crystal clear about my opinions here, but let me set the record straight: the only view I’ve ever shared on this topic is that there is substantiated psychological evidence to suggest that the hateful societal attitudes toward “pedophiles” rather than specifically “child molesters” (because contrary to popular belief, not all child molesters are pedophiles [Landing 3]) can lead toward those individuals potentially becoming offenders (Harper). The field of psychology is a unique science, in that there are often much more actively contending ideas than in other sciences. Not all psychologists agree. I am not a psychologist and have never claimed to be. I only spoke to what I had come to understand as a traumatized 20 year old, at the insistence of people online.
Many people have put Baby Blair’s words into my mouth - I have not ever said that ABDL porn, let alone mine specifically, is a good outlet for pedophiles to view. I do not feel that way, and in fact feel the opposite. I have never said anything about these topics since entering the adult industry. I have never invited that sort of attention to my content (but you all have absolutely advertised me to predators, with your constant accusations that I could be sympathetic to them, so thanks for that).
Around the time that my alleged sympathy toward pedophiles was front page news on these pages, I went to Dipchella. In May of 2019, about 3 weeks before my 21st birthday, Dipchella was run by TroubleMakerTops and her soon-to-be-husband, C. P. The event was 21+ until they wanted to bring their 18 year old girlfriend, so they allowed a few <21 guests at the last minute, including myself. C. P., 35 at the time, heavily hit on me during the party, and I enjoyed the attention.
On Fourth of July 2019, C. P. sent me an Instagram message. He asked to fly out and take me to a nice dinner so we could play together soon, and didn’t fail to mention that he was messaging me from Martha’s Vineyard. I was excited and enthusiastically agreed, and in August he got a hotel near me and brought me to spend a weekend there with him. About a week later he and TMT were married.
Originally I was C. P.’s play partner, and attended a few parties of theirs, as well as a CAPCon. The two of them broke up during the pandemic, in around July of 2020. He and I also took a break for about a month during this time while he figured out his divorce.
It’s worth noting that C. P. manipulates all of his partners, both current and ex, into having issues with one another. He triangulated a lot of issues between me and TMT, without a doubt, as he did between me and MissPandaPants, as well. However, TMT has gone out of her way time and time again to fuck with me and the people I care about, beyond this petty C. P. shit. And for those reasons, I am not a huge fan of hers. However, I have never, not once, denied her allegations that C. P. abused her in their relationship. To his face and to anyone who asked, I would say something to the effect of, “Yeah, they just brought out the worst in each other, he definitely made mistakes there but so did she.” I was simply too young at the time to not be fooled by his manipulation - that “it was just a bad relationship, it was a two-way street, she was reactively abusing me,” etc. And given that she has also gone out of her way to make up stories about Lolly abusing her current boyfriend, as just one example of her many “boy-who-cried-wolf” moments, it was hard to take her very seriously.
He came to visit me for 2 weeks in December of 2020 for Christmas, but because it was the pandemic he just ended staying… for like, a few months. We more-or-less lived together from then on out, just because of how the world was at the time. Summer of 2021 I moved to Colorado to be near Lolly, originally planning on living alone, but quickly realized I wouldn’t be able to afford it, so C. P. and I chose to live together. The relationship developing between C. P. and I was the first even remotely serious relationship I had ever been in - I simply didn’t have any context for anything.
Immediately, it was apparent I’d made a mistake. He wouldn’t help me move my boxes and furniture into our home until several of my friends pressured him, since they had to come help me. He isolated me from my friends and my support network. It got to a point where I barely saw Lolly, who I had chosen to move into a home 5min from. There were a lot of dark points in our relationship. He never physically abused me, but the domestic abuse felt like a constant threat - he would become so aggressive and violent at the slightest provocation, and I lived in constant anxiety. I lost my little side while in a relationship with a Daddy - not a switch, so we just lost our entire dynamic (a dynamic that I had to unpack in therapy afterward and realize was wildly unhealthy). And also - I hear he’s told people that he was supporting me, but we split absolutely everything 50/50. In fact, I often lent him money, never once the other way around. He didn’t insist upon that, but for the man 15 years my senior that sold me on steak dinners and Martha’s Vineyard trips, I felt a bit deceived by the reality of his financial stability, or rather the lack thereof.
It took me about 6 months for him to “let” me break up with him. I tried in January of 2023, but he kept hold of me until July when our lease was finally over and I could move into my own apartment. That Spring we had attended CAPCon, still living together and technically sort of dating, but… it was complicated, obviously. On the drive home we conceptualized the brand Dumb Baby Rave, building upon an idea Kandi and Mags had discussed together for years and shared with C. P. and I. We began to work on this with Kandi, Mags, and others throughout the next two years.
Ever since we finally separated in July 2023, he has not ceased to pester and harass me at every single event or party we happen to both be at, to say vulgar and insulting things about me to anyone who will listen, and pressure me into sleeping with him from time to time (which yeah, for the first time in my life I slept with an ex. Shoot me. We all have lessons to learn). Then hearing his vulgar retelling of those experiences second, third-hand from others locally was gut-wrenching.
But I cared about Dumb Baby. I came up with the damn name for crying out loud, I found the damn venue, and did just about all of the work he put his name on. I didn’t care about that though, I was just invested in getting Dumb Baby Rave to happen and be a lot of fun for everyone. Which it was! But due to how C. P. continued to treat me, I had to resign from Dumb Baby a few months after the event.
All of the Dumb Baby staff insisted to him that he couldn’t continue to date these extremely young women that he kept bringing around, because it doesn’t reflect the values of our event, not to mention looks terrible professionally. He agreed, giving reasons unprompted for why he needed to change his behavior, and the ways he would.
Throughout the last few months, I have learned a lot about the man we call C. P. I never knew during our relationship that he was a pedophile. I was so open with him about how traumatized I was by my ex-boyfriend, so I think he really avoided being as honest about it with me as he was with others. But I have come to find out that he has admitted on numerous occasions, to numerous individuals, to sleeping with child prostitutes in South Korea when stationed there for the military. I found out that he has been caught with child porn. I found out that he groomed Ally and brought her to his house to diaper her when she was 17. Then I found out, through friends of this girl who were worried for her safety with him, that he had actively hid a girl 20 years his junior in his CAPCon hotel room this year, telling her she had to wait there for him to finish partying with all rest of us because we wouldn’t be cool with her, then pressured her to fly to Denver with him afterward for a week, then admitted it to some people and bold-faced lied about it to others.
That’s when I told him exactly what I thought about him. I think my exact choice of words were, “Disgusting pedo freak.” Other leaders of DBE and the local community spoke to him to address these concerns, and after shaking Kandi’s hand and agreeing to take a step back from DBE, he then essentially stole the event.
Then I publicly, professionally pulled out of Dumb Baby Events, both my Ella Raine brand and business, Immature. So did Kandi, and Mags.
I will not be held responsible for the sins of the men I’ve sought to escape in my life. I have spent my early 20s running from these men, unwittingly into the arms of other men just like them, clearly extremely vulnerable to this form of abuse when I was a very young-looking woman. To be held responsible on any level for the abuse I suffered is something I will not tolerate. You all do not get to decide my narrative. This is the honest truth, straight from the horse’s mouth. Choose to believe it or don’t. Either way, you all will endlessly do your, “Ella said this, Berry said that!” so I might as well say what I want to say.
I know that this won’t do anything to shut you all up, but I don’t care. I’m over this subcultural norm in the ABDL community where we, particularly women, are all expected to take some shit like this lying down. I’m done doing that. You all are playing some very grown-up games with this shit, and I don’t think you all necessarily realize just how serious some of this is. This isn’t a fucking reality show. These are people’s real lives.
Also, I’m not a narcissist. Not that my denial means much to someone who has decided this is true, but I’m just not. I’m diagnosed with “traits of Borderline personality disorder,” ADHD, anxiety, and depression. And just throwing this out there - Borderline women tend to attract Narcissist men and be abused by them (Lachkar). And I’ve sure attracted quite a few narcissists in my time, such as C. P. Is it really so hard for you to believe that maybe, just maybe, I tend to be surrounded by narcissistic people because I’m vulnerable to their manipulation after a lifetime of being treated that way? Next time you notice a pattern like this, particularly in women, maybe ponder for a moment whether she’s in on some master, evil scheme, or if more realistically she could potentially be a victim.
But again, believe what you want. I just needed to say my piece. Now go ahead and discuss amongst yourselves, as you do.
Conmy, Eileen, et al. “The Lived Experiences of Women Who Discovered Their Partner Perpetrated a Sexual Offence.” Journal of Criminal Psychology, www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/jcp-10-2023-0065/full/html. Accessed 21 Feb. 2025.
Harper, Craig A., et al. “Humanizing Pedophilia as Stigma Reduction: A Large-Scale Intervention Study - Archives of Sexual Behavior.” SpringerLink, Springer US, 29 Oct. 2021, link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-021-02057-x.
Lachkar, Joan. Narcissistic/Borderline Couples, International Psychotherapy Institute, mymiddlenameischaos.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/narcissistic_borderline-couples.pdf. Accessed 21 Feb. 2025.
Landing, Kenneth V. Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis, National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/Digitization/149252NCJRS.pdf. Accessed 21 Feb. 2025.
Sinnamon, Grant. “The Psychology of Adult Sexual Grooming: Sinnamon’s Seven-Stage Model of Adult Sexual Grooming.” The Psychology of Criminal and Antisocial Behavior, Academic Press, 6 Jan. 2017, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/B978012809287300016X.
