funny haha wee

come on in the hot dog water’s fine jacob @ridleyscottpilgrim

[bardsimpson]

guy next to me on my flight fell asleep on my shoulder. though the world might be a scary place, tonight he sleeps safe

[bardsimpson]

when a bag of chips say "share size" i just can't resist a chuckle. there will be no sharing

[bardsimpson]

if you’re at coachella this weekend, i’ll be spinning some of my favourite nokia ringtones every night from 8 - 9pm on the gobi stage

[bardsimpson]

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

[bardsimpson]

i like to think of snoop dogg not just as a business associate but also as a close personal friend. that way, when i finally meet him, i’ll already have the right mindset

[bardsimpson]

i wish there was a potato dish named after me

[bardsimpson]

my dog has developed a new bit where she waits until the exact moment i hit play on a youtube video i've spent ten minutes hunting for that perfectly fits our mutual tastes to announce she needs to go potty

[bardsimpson]

jesus was lowkey the first zombie

[bardsimpson]

[guy with a piss kink] one piss is all it takes

[bardsimpson]

clear your schedules, i just got a new lego set and it’s not gonna build itself

[bardsimpson]

smoking that shit that put nicolas in his cage 👍

[bardsimpson]

wow, chappel roan is in perth throwing cheese slices on babies' heads

[bardsimpson]

my infant niece keeps trying to latch onto my bicep like it’s a boob. sorry kid, there’s no milk in there, just certified grade A steel

[bardsimpson]

timothy got robbed, man. timothy being the name of the child who i robbed last night

[bardsimpson]

once again, i’ve lost all my oscar prediction bets cause i voted for surf's up in every category

[bardsimpson]

my hair’s grown out enough to do something really messed up to it. any suggestions?

[bardsimpson]

sorry i haven't been around much, i've been engaging in deforestation (trimming my bush)