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Hesitation is defeat

I had now completed the hardest and the saddest game I ever had, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice and it was amazing from mechanics and story standpoint plus the emotional effect it gave you behind the controller.

Just like any souls game like Dark souls this give the chills and shit out of you, the level of Adrenalin during the final boss fight is immense and I can feel flowing in my body, I never felt that in any game before and rightfully so, that's Isshin, the Sword Saint after all. With gamepad in my hands and good headphones in my ears helps absorb every game is giving me from the visuals, sound effects, and the music triggers all my emotion and reaction I even flinch my feet sometimes. Right after executing my last and only combo and the kill indicator showed up I fucking yelled and almost crying that I did it. I really did it, the effort and time it took to finish the hard game of my life(so far).

Although I got the neutral ending, everyone ended up dead but me and Emma since The Sculptor is missing. I know there's a Demon of Hatred on the skirt of Ashina and I thought it's a kinda random but there were hints about it through out the game about a "Shura" and "Flame" and since this is an optional boss I tried to kill him later for rewards if I start a new game plus. I thought I'm finished the game so I watch videos to support my post-game depression and something hint me that the Demon is the Sculptor, I learned before from the game the he trained as monkey on sunken valley and Finger Whistle prosthetic affects monkey, when I tried blowing on the whistle the demon reacted like a monkey and it hits me he was the Sculptor as I fighting him I see the resemblance on the beard, fur, and the knees just like him. As I executed the demon mutter the words "Wolf, thank you"

I killed the people who helped me grow, trained, give direction and a second chance for the betterment of the world that is fucked up and my thoughts are just exercising may freewill to the world. Very nice story just the way I like it, it's dark and not everybody wins.

This is not only The Game of the Year, this is One of the Games and making me write this is one testament to it.

"Patience and the Little things"

So, I've been enjoying surfing, skateboarding, and surfskating so far. Can't really do much work because this place is too good for me not to enjoy it. Liking the vibes, skin getting toast, live music and food but budget is saying different thing. But anyways, I'm learning and trying to fix things.

I hope I don't get fired soon :D

happy kid after surfing Pacifico!

Happy Anniversary: The Flower and The Worm

Hiatus

Hello, kamusta ka na? I hope you have been well. We just a had picnic around Rizal and this is kind of camping I wanted for us. Clean restroom, relaxing nature, and nice people around.

Also it reminded our picnic date around the area which is my favorite. I can't help thinking of us while on the road both sad and happy moments. Anyways, I just dreamt of you telling me you getting married and felt so real.

Take care of yourself.

Amanda's Final Form

Chiw,

Hi! you might want to get some water. These thoughts that I wrote for the past few weeks and now dropping them.

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When we met there 3 things my life in order of priority. Career, Gaming, and You. nothing else matters.

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Sorry for the impulsive actions that I made causing other people to react. I can say my ass is calm as fuck now.

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I’m a problem solver in nature. Working on one makes me feel alive it’s either from work or games or worst, to you. You are not a problem.

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I miss your simplicity. I miss your cuteness, I miss your little Chiku-chiku things.

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I didn't cheat but I was traitor, I betrayed you.

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I thought I want you to not need me and want me instead but it was me that want that all this time.

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I have this wall built around me to protect myself to the one who could only hurt me, You. I regret not breaking that down.

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I want to confess to you everything without reservation, I already lost important part of myself what more to loose?

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The thing is, you were good for me but I'm not to you.

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I miss the cute little stupid things that you do and even though you know I have some money that I kept from you, you never took advantage for it. just a little :)

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When I was playing The Witcher 3 and the story is about father and daughter(adapted) I had a wild thought that the name Cirilla or Zirael is a nice name for a daughter. This month December Witcher 4 trailer got revealed and your boy was so excited and happy then I got teary eyes and started to breakdown because you we are not there anymore to tell you how good the trailer was and calling me out that I have been replaying to trailer for a hundred of times and another kick is you will not be there when I will play that game. You will not be there thinking I'm kinda cheating because I'm going to a in-game brothel and looking at you side-eye without your permission.

I didn't say a thing on the names because I know having a kid is not ideal for us and a very sensitive topic to play around the idea on but yeah if do, I meant that names as a strong suggestions.

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If given a chance to change anything, I will change how I reacted when the news broke. In James' classic fashion it would have been calm while doing those stupid shit preventing ruckus and headache I've cause to the people around me. But my thanks to all the people being patient and supported me during that time. It won't happen again.

I have this thought na ayaw mo makagawa ng kasalanan kasi I know how kind you are. I have this thought na you want me to take you by force, I felt that as a sliver of hope and chance but I'm afraid that, that is only me playing tricks on my head, looking for a positive in the sea of negatives. I was looking for a definite reason to believe in a hundred of doubts, I did compressed it down to minimum action without saying a word, with a little and small action from a single click of a button that will change our lives for the future.

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I was ultra de-cluttering today and stumble on some naughty and nice notes when we were together, found my old notes and I wrote on my notebook what is love on my definition. It says kissing, fucking, cooking you grilled cheese, and some shit. I didn't really know how to love but I know you are mine. Which represents my relationship to you. As time goes by, as I go turning pages the next chapter of my life that has changed or at least my perspective. Love is not the feeling I felt when you are around, fought for you, and lost you but it's a choice I made to feel these emotions to one single person. I'm willing to be hurt, feel loved, and some more emotions. These emotions could come and go, we can't really control them and sometimes controls us. But a choice is the one we can keep and stand on, choosing you is something I can die with.

I hope you forgive me and also myself someday sa lahat ng hurt feelings. I am really fucking sorry. I hope you felt the feelings and intentions I want to say in through these words. I was not good at crafting it but you fill the gaps. The only thing na mamayabang ko noon is my word, that shit was tainted even to myself. I'm trying to clean that mess up, even though the words written above are with emotions in it was true or at least true to me at the time of writing. You probably thinking “who the fuck is this guy?” hahaha I will understand if you did.

This probably the last open letter I would write, hopefully. I'm gonna do as you told, I will not wait for you, but like this open letter I will leave my door open and you have access on the back.

I’m free now.

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Happy holidays or new year. I have been doing better and this end of year festivities is not so bad. Lots of change happening in the apartment which is positively affecting my mentality, I am embracing that I will stay here for the next 2 years and needed to fix a lot. I was there again, calling out your name when I felt happy but its more subtle now and controlled this time around and I guess you would have enjoy what I have done in the apartment.

I was glad that your sister invited me for the new year, I know you will gonna be rattled by the idea and yes, it was all me placing the idea to your sister to invite me over. Do not get me wrong I would love to come and I really need to return some of your stuff you left here but yes, maybe that's for the better.

Cleaning up and de-cluttering was a painful activity aside from being tiring and expensive, it was a physical representation of moving forward without you and putting your memories to a box. I know you don’t want that but it’s decision needed to make to my baggage to rest. I know almost everything is caused by me why we here but I’m glad I don’t have social media to erase your memories too and disappoint the people close to us, again.

Lot of things changed. sometimes I'm not sure what version of my self is in but one thing for sure, my perspective is not the same. Some scary things before now could have been fun and exciting. I know I have been saying (in summary) the decision I made before between settling down with decent life you or myself with chaotic freedom. I’d like to think I am working on it for the better version, I know these are just empty words easy to throw out there but my mind is set to it. It has direction now, it wasn’t far but at least it has one and I thank you for it.

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If we ever meet again, don't be shy to say hi.

If we ever get together again, please be more patient with me, don't let me astray, if I do please be stray with me and remind this phase will just pass.

if we ever be together again, slap my face to reality that you are not a problem to solve and just go solve some software engineering problems instead.

If ever, let's get fucking binded in one way or another.