basic bored and baffled

a bored basic bitch who is constantly baffled by her own audacity

[basicboredanbaffled]

[basicboredanbaffled]

is it ever casual ? i’ve never been casual about anything i in my life. every moment feels like a lifetime and every word reads in my brain like a novel. did he really mean this when he said that? so be careful with each letter you type, i’ll rehearse every line till i can’t ever forget. and every compliment i’ve ever been given and ever insult that’s ever been thrown are locked in a cage in my brain, fighting it out till every bone is broke. till every sliver on my skin i find a reason to love or hate. the insults seem to take the win most days. i’ll memorize every line by your eyes and every mark you make. imprint in my sheets, my hand when you hold it on the street, my soul, my heart forevermore. cause every glance always meant more than a convienent place to look. and every act i found myself hoping to find you at your mark. hoping every time you’d give me a smile and i’d yearn for miles and miles till i will you to end up at my door. like the nights of you on my ceiling would turn into a spell. so is it ever really truly casual? drama queen or just honest what it all meant to me? what’s so bad about feeling everything so deeply you could scream? everything or nothing at all.

[basicboredanbaffled]

when i put on a video late at night

with my fingers laced between my thighs

i imagine i’m yours and you are mine

and no stupid film could ever compare

to the euphoria, those thoughts bring me there

of you biting my neck

i’m biting my tongue

from screaming out your name

or saying words too early that would just come out dumb

but i swear to god no one’s felt this way

how could they have without going insane

so tie me up

and fill my thoughts

with healing words

and cleansing promises

sounds of mine and forever

and no time could ever be enough

feelings raveling together

till i’m completely undone

[basicboredanbaffled]

i no longer care what you think of me

if it’s all gonna come out as negativity

so you can keep your heart of stone

while i will watch mine grow and grow

just like my stupid messy hair

and my big chubby cheeks

and all the other little critiques

so while you live miserably

i’ll fill my cup with joy

cheers it with my friends

never have to worry about being poisoned again

when their drink spills into mine

full of rainbows and butterflies

and i look in the mirror and no longer start to cry

cause i remember i get to be me

while your stuck in that graveyard you call a mind

full of insults

lack of joy

only happy when something goes rotten in the ones you claim to love

but if you wish to be surrounded by mold

look at who you become

[basicboredanbaffled]

i love a compliment till it starts to feel serious. call me pretty, call me hot, tell me i’m funny, i’m everything a guy could want.

but when you look me in the eyes and they glisten as you say, “no one has ever looked as beautiful as you do in this light” i feel like i need to scream and run for the fences.

my body can’t distinguish genuine connection and being haunted by my exes.

i’d rather take a knife to the guy than ever hear you say i’m the one. the only thing worse than it being a lie is it being the truth.

so when you kiss my forehead before you go or look at me like i just saved your soul you’ll never hear from me again.

but i’ll sit up at night and listen to your voicemails from times you called me everything you could ever want. till want turned to need and like boarded on love and i like the idea of obsession until someone annoys me too much.

so maybe im the problem. maybe im meant to be alone. phone in my hand same words from the speaker on repeat.

if love was contagious maybe im the antibody. maybe we’re just not meant to be. maybe one day my body will know the difference between being kidnapped and you loving me.

[basicboredanbaffled]

i don’t think i ever liked you

just liked the attention you gave

and the way you’d say your falling for me

and they way you’d say my name

but i hated what you believed in

and your job and where you lived

i hated the way you didn’t hate men

that were mean to women and kids

but you knew what to say to turn me on

and to get me to smile

like i’m pretty and im smart

and you were thinking about me with yourself and your hand all night

so could it be enough

to pretend the conversations weren’t only fun because i was in them

or to think you could be the one

because you claim to be

how much of myself would i have to lose

to gain a liking for you

and how much needs to be true

for me to see it through

just cause your waiting for me

doesn’t mean i enjoy answering you

but i love getting a reply

the attention is my drug

and your my current dealer

but the price has gone up

and i’m not the best feeler

when it comes to love and trust

or believing in the only one

but i still like to hear the words leave your mouth

even if lies stain your tongue

and i hope you think about me

every time you call her

but that makes me mean

because she deserves better

all of you

and you forgetting about me

but what if i can’t manage being forgotten

what if i beg you to say my name in your sleep

because haunting the narrative is all i’ve ever wanted

like you fighting my name from leaving your lips

every time you finish inside

and when you think of the girls who got away

you see me in a haze

and wonder what could have been or been better

if i could have stayed

or been less damaged

or caused less pain

because everyone who gets too close

i make sure to scare away

till their only left with the version of me in their head

and my phantom with them each night in bed

on the ceiling

in the walls

in between every number you call

and whispered words of i’ve never felt this way before

become i hope i never feel this way again

and i hope i never leave the seams in your head

[basicboredanbaffled]

i stay up all night writing words of times that have passed me by

keeping them in the present with every letter and hoping they stay

because the only thing worse than letting you forget is the memories no longer existing at all

that’s the pain of them only being ours to have and to hold

when one person lets go it leaves what was once a warmth of home empty and alone

you can choose to forget

i can hang on for dear life

and let my current life pass me by

wondering hoping wishing and waiting

the four horseman of my apocalypse

[basicboredanbaffled]

another hour spent spewing your name

another therapy session trying to pay someone to take away the pain

horrifying thrilling memories of you

killed me once, thought i’d never get through

then after two years of barely thinking about you you go and ruin it

one tweet

eight simple texts

making me feel crazy

like you put it all to rest

that it meant nothing at all

apparently i'm the only one who took the fall

just shattered bones and a shattered heart

i bled in public while you left without a scratch

screamed and cried your name to my friends

and you never even missed a breath

or that's what you act like

you seem to not care

and i look fucking crazy

wishing you weren't there

wishing you could be here with me

one goddamn fucking tweet

tore me apart all over again

wishing i could look into your eyes so i could see the thoughts inside your head

your brain and thoughts are secrets i've always kept

one that feels special to me

to only live inside my head

things only you and i will ever know about

things you won't let show

but you told me every fucking thing

told me your pain and your haunted memories

now your haunting mine

haunting me

my mind

my dreams

my therapy

killing me all over for what?

to heal yourself?

thinking of only you

as something you’d always do

unless it came to me

never thought i’d be a part of the majority

i also never thought i'd have to live without you

never thought i’d lose

the one person i felt i truly knew

the one person that truly knew me

and yet you just left

how could you do that to me

you knew every fucking thing

and what does that say?

the person who truly knew your brain

wanting to leave you with just pain

is there something wrong with me

am i actually fucking crazy

or is that just how you want it to seem

so everyone thinks less of me

i’m always the easy one to blame

too emotional

little do they know youre just the same

i wonder if they can see down to your pain

or if they ignore the flicker in your eye

ignore when your smile doesn't match up to the lines on your cheek

or the way you used to look at me

they were blind to it all

i’m sure they still are

but i can't help but think about your family

and if they hate me

for what i did to you

what i did to us

leaving

breaking our hearts

and you just live on the cusp

of saving your heart and making me lose my mind

i also hide the pain behind my eyes

wishing you'd look in them one more time

[basicboredanbaffled]

i feel like i love like the gods

and yearn like the poets

and imprint memories in my brain

like protons in an atom

i bring you up in every story

hear your name in every song

the internet would tell me i’m crazy

my therapist would tell me im wrong

the poets would wish for even a drop of my emotion to write for decades long

and i’d give my entire soul

while you couldn’t figure out how to give forever

so while wars start around me

and pages fill each night

melodies flow right through me

and every flame lights as i brush by just know

i’d love you for a millennium

and every millennium after that

no amount of pages could contain

the emotion the passion the pain

but is it wrong to want the same

to want to be desired to the brink of death

to promise forever and mean it

between each breath

to start fires

to tattoo flames

to sit with nothing just us on this plane and be at peace

to need nothing and no one as long as you have me

like the sun won’t shine tomorrow if i’m not there

the promise to be nocturnal if you could only find me in lack of light

to dedicate the sound of the ocean

or the image of the stars

to my very being

and the mark left on your soul

be one big gaping hole

[basicboredanbaffled]

my heart tends to fill with vengeance and hate

and it’s not something i can iterate

without poison leaving my tongue

words come out as curses and as spells

tearing down anyone who tries to get me out

and i cry myself to sleep at night

thinking my tears can leak out the venom inside

but it always seems like there’s more to come

while the toxins fill my lungs

and the weed doesn’t kill anything but my developing brain

and the tears on my cheeks turn into stains

while i leave every party with a beer and a pain

that everyone hates me

no one really knows me

i will never be sane

not enough to be loved

feared and afraid

of my words and my heart and the affect it has on my soul

so when i feel attacked i go back tenfold

somehow never believing im wrong

until the moment is dead and gone

but never finding the right way

so how come i’m haunted by my memories

but can never admit that im the one at fault in any of the tormented dreams

wishing on comets and stars and anything that has a power i can hope to hold

wishing i could find religion

because then at least i could have a sin to forgive

instead of trying to forgive myself

a cure i’ve never seemed to have found

for the person i want to be and the person who actually comes out

[basicboredanbaffled]

my half drank half cold shirley temple olipop sits in the window with my book lying idily by. the light from the street lamps and the heads of the passing cars while my candle flickers softly on my bar cart. i hear planes passing in the night and far off sirens along with the swirling of the wind. my phone quietly plays peace by taylor swift and i wonder if my drink was colder or if the bowl i just set up for myself didn’t half fall in my lap or if i didn’t have my neighbors to worry about if this moment could be perfect. if everything around me is something i’d miss one day. if i’d dread not taking it in more and letting myself get in my head instead of enjoying a tranquil space. one i spent majority of my twenties in. filled with friends sleeping in and going out. filled with beer pong and glee nights and days lounging on the couch. with barely any money and so much time on my hands. free to do whatever i want whenever i want as long as im willing to pay the price. i dream about a future life one with a husband and a kid. wonder if id ever be this at peace then or if id always have something to worry about and wishing it was “back then”. would i ever be happy in that life? its one i could never imagine now. imagine feeling like i had to forgive someone cause its easier or that i had to listen to a scream at 2 am. fear i’m fucking everyone up more than i am now and more than i ever did back then. what if im never meant for it. what if forever looks like this. alone with the lights off listening to taylor swift.

[basicboredanbaffled]

it ended with a kiss

a text

it ended with your patience

it ended with a tweet

a call

a glance on your location

it ended with a melody

a sadness draped in song

it ended with your hands round me

lonely as they come

cause it took four weeks

till i recieved a call

then two long years till i heard from you at all

just to say you never loved me

never hurt

never cared

but you sit there and stare at me

in my apartment

up three flights of stairs

took time out of your day

to confess a few white lies

but they meant more to me

then i’d ever let slide by

so two years later when i saw her by your side

i gave her a smile

gave you a glance

like everything is fine

and i watched as it shred you inside

took 7 years to kiss me

and 7 more to believe it was done

so forgive me if i miss me

before you lied and let me believe

no one could ever love me

when the one person who saw me claimed

that he never felt that way

and confirmed my worst fears along the way

so it ended with a i’ll see you at the bar

and me never showing up

and hoping you stared at the door all night

surrounded by your friends

can’t stop thinking about back then

and how you pictured your life

knowing you could never be with me

unless on a pirate ship in your dreams

because i was always destined to run

while you were a down to earth kid

climbing trees

while you screamed up at me get down from there

so you’ll have a wife and a few kids

i’ll stay a flight risk

and never let anyone too close

but she’ll never know you

the way i once did

when your fences were less guarded

before a kiss and a text and your patience

[basicboredanbaffled]

what was i?

just another line in your fucked up list of crimes

just another fool

who took all your lies as true

who saw your smile

batted her eyes

who made you feel special

special enough to let you blur your lines

took your ring off and left it in the sand

along with the million little grains you had to leave out of your day

when you lied to her did your voice even shake

did you miss a breath

or almost mention my name

you tried to get me to not know about her

got me to live in our own little world

filled with magic

left with blues

left with bruises shaped like you

your words are scared written on my chest

my breath wasn't the only thing you took away

was it exciting i was only half your age

did i help your midlife crisis

got you over your growing pains

just to give me my own

left with tear stains

they tasted like your beer

like the lies you told

like the secrets we promised to keep

i thought the secrets were to help you and me

but why would they be

when all you ever wanted

were my eyes on you

giving you the satisfaction that someone could still get stuck in your game

that someone would still be willing to take the blame

having panic attacks on a plane

trying not to scream and shout your name

because the woman always takes the blame

and all the little acts were calculated by you

were made up so no one but me would know you're making a move

i can't say i didn't feel it too

my fucked up little thrill left me empty and brokenwhile it patched up all your little holes

wondering it i was the only one

if i was really special

or if you've done it to her

to another girl

while you had a woman at home

when did the ring get put back on?

the way you flinched when someone mentioned her name

the way you used all your power to try and not get her in my brain

hoping by the time it did it was too late

your wishes came true

because i could see nothing past you

our lips never pressed only a few times we stole a touch

you stole a touch

i wonder how many of them youve gotten to fuck

is your marriage really open or is that just hints you like to give

to unexpecting women

who could be the age of your kid

could you smell the daddy issues

see them the first time we locked eyes

since that moment its like you knew every line

found me at every party

walked next to me every change you got

then left me crumbled on the floor

stepped over me as you walked back through the door

into the arms of your wife and kid

did you make sure my smell was off you

before you pulled her in for a kiss

or is it part of the thrill

trying not to get caught

while leaving little hints

i got you off

on feeling like you still have your youth

while treating me like just another kid

whose eyes couldn't find their way off of you

mesmerized by your need for me

little did i know it was only for you

[basicboredanbaffled]

words unspoken

and texts never sent

2 months broken

and constant replays in my head

left without a word

texts left on read

you call me drunk and alone

i watch it ring by myself in bed

you give me falsities

to try and get in my mind

it’s an emergency

the emergency is what are you doing tonight

so you let me lie

and i let you pretend it’s okay

i text you to have fun and be safe

you reread the line

over and over

trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me

to let you get to know me and leave

without an excuse

without a goodbye

high and dry

but i get high every night

leaving myself a mess

of empty water bottles

and trying to silence the thoughts in my head

[basicboredanbaffled]

i wish you were in a band

or some artsy shit like that

then maybe i’d know how you feel

you seem to be able to tell everyone but me

and i know you'd eat that up

the attention and the fame

making money off mine and your pain

id pay all the money in the world to never think of your name

or for you to finally take some of the blame

because my tear stains turned to tattoos

seems to be visible to only you

or maybe your actions are true

and you never loved me like you said you do

said you did

did you?

if i could peak into your mind

would i even find myself

or the person you once knew

or would the entire thing be pictures hanging of you

the only true love i ever had was you

at least we have one thing in common still

texting me at 2 am

making jokes with my sister after 3 years of nothing from you

everyone i have met knows your name

my pillows memorized my screams of pain

the tears i cried and the thirst continued to grow

of hoping one day id feel better

hoping one day i could let go

i don't wanna live forever

since i left you

was it for the best?

it seemed like it at the time

now my own therapist cant forget your name

that expense didn't seem to help

how much do i have to spend

time and money i can't get back

like the 7 years i spent

memorizing the freckles on your back

the lines by your eyes

the things that made you cry

your parents story

how you got your middle name

trying now to convince myself that it never was fate

but no one else seems to get me the way you do

the way you did

and i know you’d never admit it

but you used to say the same

i’ve read your journal

i’ve memorized your pain

i’ve seen your face on my ceiling

trying to go to sleep

just to see it in my dreams

seemed like id never escape

an we can't brush off the dust

it grew to mold

ready to be thrown away

but i feel like a landlord

not being able to let go

trying to make excuses for the toxins

living in it till my lungs give out

not being able to breath

but the mold filled my heart

giving it too much of a squeeze

not able to stop

all the pain just grew

till all i was left with is the imprints of you

on my sheets and in your spot in bed

the mugs i use

the memories in my head

the hoodie i wore the day we met

still in my closet

couldn’t give it away

it hugs me when you wont

only it doesn't have the power to heal my pain

wipe away the blood stained tears on my face

no waterproof mascara could hold up the pain

no paint could compare to your stain

like a wine stained dress i can't get myself to throw away

i’m half the size i used to be

lost the weight of you

gained your absence in the form of blue

thought without you i wouldn't get through

and your claim that i'm never wrong is starting to come true

[basicboredanbaffled]

i don’t think i ever liked you

just liked the attention you gave

and the way you’d say your falling for me

and they way you’d say my name

but i hated what you believed in

and your job and where you lived

i hated the way you didn’t hate men

that were mean to women and kids

but you knew what to say to turn me on

and to get me to smile

like i’m pretty and im smart

and you were thinking about me with yourself and your hand all night

so could it be enough

to pretend the conversations weren’t only fun because i was in them

or to think you could be the one

because you claim to be

how much of myself would i have to lose

to gain a liking for you

and how much needs to be true

for me to see it through

just cause your waiting for me

doesn’t mean i enjoy answering you

but i love getting a reply

the attention is my drug

and your my current dealer

but the price has gone up

and i’m not the best feeler

when it comes to love and trust

or believing in the only one

but i still like to hear the words leave your mouth

even if lies stain your tongue

and i hope you think about me

every time you call her

but that makes me mean

because she deserves better

all of you

and you forgetting about me

but what if i can’t manage being forgotten

what if i beg you to say my name in your sleep

because haunting the narrative is all i’ve ever wanted

like you fighting my name from leaving your lips

every time you finish inside

and when you think of the girls who got away

you see me in a haze

and wonder what could have been or been better

if i could have stayed

or been less damaged

or caused less pain

because everyone who gets too close

i make sure to scare away

till their only left with the version of me in their head

and my phantom with them each night in bed

on the ceiling

in the walls

in between every number you call

and whispered words of i’ve never felt this way before

become i hope i never feel this way again

and i hope i never leave the seams in your head

[basicboredanbaffled]

i’ve always had a problem with speaking my mind

like i do it too much or not enough

and never at the right time

like gray doesn’t seem to exist in my soul

full of colors dominated by blue

and my default setting always flips to total despair

but when i turn it all off everyone thinks i don’t care

while it’s either nothing or everything all at once and neither seem to be fair

to me or him or anyone around

cause i’m either too loud or completely shut down

and when a thought creeps inside it almost impossible to get out

i keep setting traps but walls tumble down

and i feel like im possessed

by an angrier version of me

i look in the mirror and barely recognize what i see

till i fall and collapse and cry myself to sleep

at the thought of never being good enough to love and always too much to bear

and i share all my secrets just to fill the air

so now now one trusts me with theirs

and my only saving grace is reality tv

but when you watch shitty people all day it’s bound to seep shitty into your seams

and dreams of throwing drinks and screaming matches

thinking it’s a form of showing you care

while everyone else wonders who is that crazy girl over there

and i feel the same in my bones and in every glare

that my head can’t be normal

but it’s not healthy to compare

because i think im better than everyone

till i go to the bar

and see the prettiest girls in the littlest tops

and remember he would never even think to look at me

so i’m full of contradictions

which makes me full of shit

full of myself

till i’m just full of it