i rlly hate that i gained all my weight back this past year :) granted, i did start eating a lot because i was pregnant and didn’t know it till about 9 weeks. i felt so sick when i didn’t eat. then i had an abortion and “recovered”. recovery has made me hate myself even more, doesn’t even feel like recovery feels like i’ve just been being a fat ass overeating. i feel so paralyzed in my body sometimes. purged till there was nothing left yesterday. had a coffee and a protein bar so far today. it doesn’t matter though bc i just for some reason can’t starve myself like i used to and i don’t understand why. last year i wouldn’t eat for weeks at a time until i was passing out, and even then i’d just have a granola bar or like two strawberries and do it again. i would run and do full body workouts everyday now i can’t even run a mile without feeling like i’m going to die. tbh i don’t know why i did this to myself. everyday i think today is the day i’m finally able to get back on track but i always end up giving in i just wish i had my self control back. i just want to lose the thirty pounds that i gained back this sucks and it’s such torment in my mind having the ED thoughts but never being able to follow through. how do i begin again. i did so good last year i feel like a failure.
