on leaving your first "grownup job"
i dropped out of grad school at 20. i had gotten into my dream grad school program, but things didn't go according to plan, and from there, everything kind of started spiraling. it was a scary time in my life. a few months later, i moved back to California, got married, and never left. i spent a couple of years on what i liked to call my permanent vacation, babysitting, running errands, walking around, exploring the area by public transporation, spending my days at the public library, working out, playing with puppies, relapsing in my ED, trying to heal, getting drunk with my friends most nights. it was the best and the worst of times. i was 22 when i was finally able to work. i needed a job to get me out of the bad place i was in. i needed a job to afford thing and not solely depend on my husband, and help carry some of the burden. a few weeks later, i had my first big girl job. business casual, coffee, break room chats, Teams calls, emails upon emails upon emails, and learning literally anything imaginable. coding landing pages, designing gifs, writing copy, Excel formulas, doing everything a single department does, all by myself. there i found a passion for what i do, satisfaction for doing excellent work, and conflicted feelings about using first party data for profit. i found new friends that wouldn't burn me like old ones did, reasons to laugh while the world is falling apart and everyone is dying, money to buy a car, move twice, once with our rescue dog, drive all around California because there's nowhere else to go. i also found the constant overwhelm and anxiety that would force me to set boundaries, people who would abuse my kindness and blame me for it, i discovered that as a human, i only have so much energy and that i can't put all of it into work. there i turned 25 and shortly after, realized that i was doing a fantastic job and had reached my full potential. i decided to leave. it broke my heart thinking about what i'm leaving behind, the memories, the years of growth, birthdays, celebrations, weddings, deaths, moves. the thing that kept me paid and allowed me to take part in providing for my family, that made it so easy for me to stay in this country, that opened so many doors for me. i'm taking all of the memories, knowledge, skills and friends with me throughout life. i'm oh so grateful for those, but most certainly wish i wasn't on meds.
