Untitled Depresso @battycandy - Tumblr Blog

I try to ignore it but I always end up grieving the life I wanted

Keep telling myself that I don't want it since I can never have it

accept what is given to me and want nothing

The problem is that I'm starting not to feel... and I think I'm past the point in being happy if things were to become different since it's been nearly a decade of no change...

if you wanted then you would

what's the point

Whoever I'm dating I think of as a 10 but why do they never see me as a 10?

I managed to gain a point in 16 years. One of my memories I'll never forget is having a crusty ex rate me low unprompted. Guess I'm a butterface again

I skipped my workout 3 days in a row so the depresso is strong. haven't opened my curtains. barely eat. Don't want to cook or leave my island.

i'm tired of everyone and everything. i don't see a point in doing anything anymore since i don't matter

I'm watching everyone and everything pass me by

i've always been desperate to start my own life and to get away from all of this. i feel so trapped. i'm never going to leave this house. i'll always be confined to a room.

i would work more shifts and hours if i had to but there's no point if my life is going nowhere. i can't do it alone either... but part of me is wondering if I should just move out with roommates.

i don't know why i keep falling into this pattern of noncommitment.

i get bursts of happy occasionally but for the whole picture? idk. it feels like crumbs being dangled in front of me but only because i'm the one that wants things which i'll never have.

the hope that i had left has dissipated and i don't know what would make me happy anymore. when things don't change for so long then you got to wonder why

what's wrong with me?

i've seen so much from others and i can't get the why out of my mind.

I don't want to exist

Am I okay?

It’s been 2 months since the last post.

2 years of not drowning myself in booze.

I have only felt sadder without having that numbness to conceal it. So am I ok and have I always been sad?

A recent conversation has given me doubts. I haven't had friends in over 5 years. I also don't try to make any. I've unintentionally turned into a hermit and I never wanted this. I don't know how to get close to people since I'm not relevant anymore. I will leave people on read. I've maxed out on demand avoidance. I only push them away.

When I feel like hiding, it's never a good sign. I will procrastinate on the simplest things before it comes. Mentally I'm fighting it off by pretending, avoiding and ignoring. How long can I make this last?

The only reason I'm not wallowing now is because the pill is not holding me back anymore. I felt a lifting once I stopped taking it. This experiment made me realize all the negative side effects that became my default. I've been taking it for so long that I forgot. I thought there was something wrong with ME. Only 3 side effects hinder my life. Only... But it's enough to ruin me

I have realized that it's time for me to stop trying to go after the unattainable. Do I need to move up at my job? Can I survive off these paychecks? Could I stay in this house forever until I can't afford it? Will I be okay on my own? I’m never going to have certain things but since this has been a common occurrence in my life, I wish I could understand and stop wanting more when I am not right for it.

🗑️

I've known for awhile that I need to change my outlook of my life and future. I wanted so much but it's asking too much. I assumed it was all a possibility. Realistic. I guess I was just hoping so desperately that my time would come eventually.

I wanted what others have. I thought it could have been worth it in the end. Suffer enough and eventually get rewarded? No..

The funny thing is that it was never going to get offered to me. This life, that future and this job. Not a thing. I was too blinded by greed and sadness.

It's not that I didn't earn or deserve it. This life will never give me what I want. It's just unfair and this shit happens.

I realized it's not meant to happen for me. I'm getting old. I'm tired of being upset. Waiting in denial. I can't hope for these things anymore.

a bitter melancholic

I don't feel the heaviness. Either I feel too much or not at all. Is it rock bottom yet

for wanting to step in front of traffic a few times? I've never felt that before even for a brief second. It's been gone for a month now so I think I'm better .

I need to rethink and come up with alternatives for what I want out of this life. Maybe one day I'll want differently and be okay.

I'm putting Depresso on a hiatus until it hits again

I'm sad most of the time and I can't be. If I could freely mope around and not get out of bed without the judgement...

Am I suffering enough to warrant being like this?

I can't do this anymore.

I hate this life. I don't want to be the outsider looking in. I don't want to be the supporting character for everyone else. Why can't I matter too?

How can I be mad at people that have nothing to do with these decisions? I have so much resentment because I viewed myself as an equal and I don't even get that treatment from a place I gave years.

I don't want to sit there watching everyone around me live. I don't want to be in a world that doesn't allow me to live like everyone else. I hold back so much because it's only unfair to me.

Is it unfair to the normals? No. Part of me wishes that they would have my back in some way and help so I wouldn't be so isolated and alone. But why would they care when it's just my life? It has no affect on them. I just get pity looks and responses.

How am I going to explain this? I am drained.

All of the things that I was holding onto will not happen to me.

I don't want to accept this. I can't break away no matter what I do. This is inevitable and it makes me want to die.

Why did I give myself so much hope?

I'll rather be dead

i used to have reasons to live for but eventually those will run out too. and there will be nothing left

#cuz nothing and nowhere

Saudade

what I thought it was

it isn't now

i hate that every thing that happens to me has some kind of explanation ready. i keep asking questions and never get answers as to why it's happening to me. i get excuses to cover it. it's logical so obviously i can't fight it. makes sense so why bother?

can't do a thing about this

young-aspiring

Imposter Syndrome - Circa Survive

i knew that i would never get the same things/treatment as others. this shit has been happening my whole life but now i'm the only one fighting for it. i'm so negative and self sabotage because what else can i do? nothing productive works. every time i stand up for myself or question things ...there's a punishment

the state of my life won't change and it feels like i deserve it because no matter what i do: it stays the same or quickly goes right back to "normal".

why is that being forced onto me tho? why can't i have a choice??? this is not what i want my life to be!

this feels ridiculous and pathetic that my dreams are so simple/realistic/normal for anyone other than me. it's actually attainable but not for me.

i am tired of investing my time into things and people that don't choose me.

i feel so detached that i keep pushing away and it feels like a point of no return. do i even want this anymore

siir-poesia

iamthecrime

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