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taylor price
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@baylielove
I dreamt of you. It was a bad dream. The first thing I did when I woke up was to cry. It will be your 14th birthday 5 days later, happy birthday my baby. It would be the worst 01 Oct I have ever been through. I miss you baby, so much
Today is August 12, 9 days after Betty's 13th birthday. This year was tough. It was the first year we celebrated Betty's birthday without Baylie. It felt empty. And sad. I'm not looking forward to October. I don't know how we are getting over 1 Oct without Baylie this year. It would have been her 14th birthday. I know it is a relief for her, away from daily needles and drugs. I just don't think we are ready to embrace a 14th birthday without Baylie. And my 34th birthday without Baylie. It's difficult
I can't recall if I've ever had a good day ever since Baylie left. I might have but today is definitely not one. Work's getting tougher. And I'm not sure if I'm really waiting for the Bangkok role, I think I should plan for an exit, it's weird how I haven't done so. Is it too late for that?
Day 211 - I wanted to record this moment because I dreamt of you last night. You were kissing me as if we went back 365 days when things were still so perfect and normal. We went for a tattoo session but you were the one getting a tattoo when it should have been me. It felt so surreal yet unreal. I never believed in afterlife but right now I wished for it to be true, and I cannot wait for the day I get to hug and kiss you at the 🌈 bridge. Baylie I love you so so much, so much so that I miss you everything. Everyone does. I want to tell you how my day have been every single day, I want to carry you in my arms, I want to see you barking at me and I want you to wake me up with your smoothering kisses. 01 Oct used to be one of my happiest day, what am I supposed to do this year? I'm dreading it. Everyday at home, I wished you were with me. I had a good 13 years with you yet I didn't treasure it. Now it's all regrets and misses. All I could do is carry a piece of you with me, bringing you to all the places I go. That brings me some comfort. I don't know what else I can or should do. I know you want me to live a life of my own, I'm trying. Wherever you are, know that you will always be my beautiful mischievous carefree toy poodle. And the best thing in my life ever. I love you Baylie
It has been a while. 184 days. Things seemed to be normal, except Baylie is no longer here. Germany made life better but we were swept back to reality quickly. I wished Baylie is now sitting next to me. Recently I read a news. A man lost a dog due to negligence and because of this, he decided to build the best living environment for his other dogs. I wished for a moment that I had done the same for Baylie. Does Baylie enjoy life with us? We used to leave her alone at home, she does nothing all day but sleeping and waiting. She gives us all her love and we do nothing for her. Food trips started only when she was sick. We wasted half of her life, her very short life and who are we to pine for her now when we could have treasured our everyday when she was around. I would give up everything just to see her again, have her kiss me and tilt her head when I call Baylie. Have her turn her head, running to me whenever she hear her name. Have her running to the door whenever she hear the keys clinging. I miss you Baylie, I miss you so much, I miss you so so much. I dont want anything or anyone, just you.
I love you so much Baylie, I miss you so much Baylie.
#MissingBaylie #Day102
My memory starts to get vague. It has only been 86 days, but it seemed like 86 years. Things that we were so used to with Baylie, are no longer the norm. As much as I hate for things to be normal, things are normal now. I forgot how Baylie smelled, I forgot how Baylie would smoother me with kisses to wake me up, I forgot how Baylie would come to the door receiving me after a hard day work, I forgot what happiness was with Baylie around, I forgot how kissing Baylie felt, I forgot what life is all about
Today is the 80th day. I don't know why, I am super irritable today, to the extend that I would have quit on the spot if anything bad happens at work. I miss Baylie, I miss Baylie so much. In the past, when life gets tough, she would give me a kiss and everything would go away, as if her kiss heals everything in this world.
Without Baylie in my life, everything is not going well. Work is bad, home is bad, life is bad. It seems as though I have used up all the good luck in my life, and everything just goes downhill from here.
I don't know what to do. Technically speaking I don't want to do anything. Why does life suck so much? Where are you Baylie? Wait for me
Today is 02 Jan 2022. Also day 35, the 5th 7th day since Baylie left.
Chinese believe that when a person pass, the soul remains on earth for 49 days before it leaves for good. Which means I am only left with 14 days.
2021 is a really bad year, the worst year ever for me actually because nothing is more painful than losing a family, your precious love.
If I could change 2021,
1. I would not leave my job and take up the new role
2. I would not be lazy and always forego Baylie's daily walks
3. I would bring BaylieBetty to Capella for their staycay as how I always promised them
4. I would bring Baylie to Botanics at least once every 2 weeks and not make it a promise that was never fulfilled
5. I would not let Baylie fall
6. I would feed Baylie her favourite treats regularly
7. I would not start on the new Cushing treatment
8. I would not waste so much time working and neglect her
9. I would pay more attention on her eyes
10. I would stay by her every minute on 29 Nov 2021 and spend every moment of the last day with her
If I knew. If we knew.
The only good thing about 2022 is that I still have Betty. I cannot allow the same regrets I had in 2021 to happen for 2022. I cannot.
#MissBaylieSoMuch
It has been exactly 31 days, 31 days since the love of my life left, on 29 Nov. She gasped her last breathe and stopped fighting at 10.06pm.
Baylie was a fighter, and a lover. She taught me what unconditional love is, and what never give up actually meant. She went through hell ever since she got diagnosed diabetes, then cushing's then Addisonian crisis then ketoacidosis then skin cancer. I have no idea how a small fragile dog can simply take in everything life has to give, yet happily living her everyday as if nothing is too hard for her. Baylie never once threw tantrums. When it's time for injection, she takes it. When it's time for medicine, she takes it. When it's time for wound cleaning, she takes it. No matter how much she hates it or how painful it is. I've never met anyone so brave as Baylie, and I for sure wouldn't have the same courage as how Baylie faced life.
I knew it the morning that it was time. I thought I am prepared but turns out I will never be prepared. I think I can let go, but no, I can never do it. As much as I know that's the best for her, I selfishly refused to let go, because I cannot imagine a life without her.
I don't think I've ever cried as hard as that 2 days in my life. I knew losing Baylie would be painful, but I didn't expect it to hurt that much. The pain in my heart was so painful that it felt like I was about to die. I might really have died.
Until today, the pain is still so raw. Yes better than the first week but no, whoever says it gets better with time, it doesn't. We continue to greet Baylie good morning, feed her treats, talk to her and lay her bed every night thinking as if things are the same but no, we greet her picture, placing snacks by the altar, talking to her ashes and laying a bed that is always empty.
Sometimes I wish life could just be kinder to us. But no it just has to suck, big time.
I miss Baylie today, again. It's day 30. 30 days since the worst day of my life. Time flies, but my pain doesn't stop. The pain is still so raw, so raw.
It felt just like yesterday when I promised her a trip to the botanic gardens that never happened. It felt just like yesterday when I fed her papaya and she happily enjoyed every bit of it. It felt just like yesterday where she had a seizure and was on life support. It felt just like yesterday where she passed away in Muack arms. It felt just like yesterday when I cried my balls out sending her on her last journey. It felt just like yesterday when I could call out her name and have her looking back at me.
It all felt like yesterday no more, no more the yesterday that used to be my every source of happiness. Now, everything seemed normal and not normal. We go back to our lives, resume working, continue joking and laughing but my heart is empty. Life without Baylie is never complete, and it drains me every single day, looking at the bed that is only going to be empty.
All I ever wished for was more time with Baylie and the family. 13 years is too short, too too short.
Christmas will never be Merry anymore without Baylie. Yes life goes on, celebrations continue as if nothing changed, but Baylie, my world is gone. And she took a piece of me with her.
The mischievous little cutie is no longer jumping around pleading for turkey, prawns, salmon or her favourite cake. We no longer see her happy tongue from getting a piece of meat, or her lit-up eyes from seeing the piece of cake or hear her barks from wanting more of the peeled cooked prawn. I miss those days, a lot, very much.
I've never believed in Santa. But right now, how much I wish and hope that Santa is real. Only when Santa is real, I can still hope for a wish that I know will never come true.
If Santa is real, all I want for Christmas is you, Baylie. Only you.
My blog disappeared, together with my journals of anxiety as well as panics from Base are gone. My blog is gone, just like baylie, as well as any harmony in the house. I miss you so much base. People say time will heal, but I only miss you more as the days go.
13 years ago, you came into our lives. I still remember how you sat in the cage, telling us through a look that we are destined to be a family while fighting your siblings at the same time. It was love at first sight. You came into our family, and became our dearest family member. You brought so much love and happiness into our lives, as if our lives had nothing memorable before you came.
13 years later, you left. And you took pieces of me with you. It has been 14 days. Life has been empty without you and all I do everyday is missing you, and hoping for the day we get to see you again.
Baylie, thank you for choosing our family and giving us the best 13 years. You gave us more than we ever wish for, and I only wished we had more time. I don't know if I'll ever be complete again without you but please, come back to visit us anytime. I miss you so much base, and I would give anything just to kiss you again. I love you so much, and I miss you every single day.